Why do relationships have to be so damn complicated? Right now, I’m watching my daughter whose heart is broken. I know many other people whose hearts are breaking right now. I know many others that are lonely or afraid to try again. Of course, there are the ones that are in miserable relationships that stay for whatever reason that they stay.

Here I am, wanting to embark and take a chance but then I’m terrified to give my heart again and/or trust. My insecurities keep coming forward for no reason whatsoever. Are my insecurities going to be what destroys this potential relationship? He is giving me no reason to be insecure yet I keep telling myself he’s pulling away and all sorts of other things. The reality is that he was out of town for the weekend and I was out of town for the weekend. We were both busy on our separate trips. He’s working more. It probably has nothing to do with me and him that I was not hearing from him as much today. He has his own vehicle at work now so he can’t text me while he’s driving. He didn’t get back into town until late last night.  Yet I find myself thinking bad things like he’s pulling away or that I saw something that wasn’t there with us.

I definitely think seeing other people struggle and sad and lonely and scared and miserable makes it so much harder for me to trust and love and try again. As I have said before with my job that I have lots of time to think. Today, I had these things run through my mind. My doubts were that I hadn’t seen ice cream guy since Friday. we had texted over the weekend. He got home late last night and so we didn’t see each other but I really wanted to see him. My mind started the doubt train. Then, I hardly heard from him today. I kept the self talk of don’t text him too much, it probably is nothing, I am being too sensitive. I don’t want to need him. I don’t want to be clingy. I don’t want him to be clingy. I was really trying to convince myself that everything was okay when I finally got the text. He asked if I remembered him and if we were going to see each other later. Whew. I did it again. I almost got myself all worked up and then he responded with making me laugh. I have got to let these insecurities go but there is always that part of me that thinks that I like someone more than they like me. We need to take it slow and see where this goes and I need to quit being paranoid that he doesn’t like me the same as I do him. It is obvious that, at this time, he does. I need to learn to trust that. We had a couple of hours tonight but he had some things to do as did I. I have time with friends the next couple of nights so he has time to work one something he needs to do for a possible permanent job here.

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So my last post I mentioned a fun date that I had with the Canadian. We were supposed to go out the next night. He was going to take me out to dinner. I didn’t hear from him all day on Monday, the date day, so at four I texted him and asked if we were still on. I got off work at six and have a forty minute drive home. Six came and went so I got in my car to drive home. I refuse to beg anyone for attention again. I didn’t text or call him. At 6:35, he texted me that the had been at the doctor and had strep and a bad ear infection and that he would love to take me out later in the week. Well, guess what? Today is Saturday and I had heard nothing. I debated between texting him or ignoring him. The smart ass in me decided to text him this morning. I told him that I hoped he felt better and since I hadn’t heard from him all week he was either dead or had decided that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I know, that was terrible but I had to say something. I wasn’t mad or even that disappointed. I truly feel that I am fine and if someone doesn’t want to make the effort, I do not want them in my life. Of course, he texted back and said that he has been down all week (which can happen) and that he does want to talk to and see me again.

I don’t know how I feel now. The part of me that doesn’t trust, wants to tell him to get lost because he is probably lying and just didn’t want to make me a priority. Then there is the part of me that wants to trust and hates to think I could throw away a good guy because he was sick.

I hate dating…….

This is a subject that is difficult for everyone. I have been cheated on. I have had friends that were cheated on. My mother was cheated on. It is so easy to hate the other woman but we all need to remember that it is as much, if not more, the cheaters fault. I am not stating that she is not at fault, depending on the circumstances.  He is the one that made the promise to his wife. The other woman did not. I m using the male as the cheater but it, obviously can be the other way, too, so if you are a male reading this, change the pronouns to fit your life.

My father cheated on my mother numerous times. We kids found out when my sister went into the Officer Club and saw him with his girlfriend. That was the beginning of the end of my childhood family. My sister hated our dad for a while and told me about the other woman in a fit of anger towards him. Of course, I hated the girlfriend, too and was so angry with my dad. I was about 13 at the time.

That was the beginning of my not trusting men. I didn’t understand how my father could do what he did to the family and my mother. My mom is so awesome and would always tell us that no marriage ends because of one person and they both made mistakes. Personally, I don’t think anything justifies cheating.

I have been the other woman a couple of times. The first time I was in college. He was here in town for a construction job and I had no idea he was married. I ended it as soon as I found out. Luckily, that was almost immediately so I wasn’t too emotionally invested. The second one broke my heart. I met him in AIT training and fell madly in love before I found out he was married. He was tall, good looking, fun, fit, smart. When someone told me he was married, I couldn’t believe it. When I confronted him, he told me that he was but they were separated and he wanted out. That turned out to be a lie, of course. We continued our relationship, with me under the impression that he was leaving his wife before he knew me. I met a couple of members of his family even. When we left training, we both ended up in San Francisco, unfortunately. His wife and son joined him there and he still was telling me that he didn’t love her and he loved me. He kept asking me to marry him when he left her. I kept telling him that I was not going to promise him anything and I was not going to be the reason or excuse for him to leave her. She found out about me and confronted me. She and I had a long talk. I was honest with her and ended up asking her point blank if she wanted to save her marriage. She said yes so I told her that I would not see him anymore and I did not. He tried so hard to get me back, everything but leave her. I was NOT going to make him any promises first. I remember him crying and begging me to come back to him. It was so difficult to walk away from him because I did truly love him. I had told her I would stay away and I did. Years ago, I looked him up as I was wondering if they had made it. I found out that he is dead. I thought he had died in a car accident but a mutual Army friend found me recently and told me that he killed himself. I haven’t asked more details yet. I couldn’t hear it. I felt terrible for my part in his marriage trouble though I was innocent in the beginning. It was a terrible time in my life and I am not proud of it. I tried to right the wrong by being honest with her and stepping away from the man I loved. I wish his life had turned out better and they could have been happy.

I was surprised when I was younger as to how many married men would actively pursue other women. I don’t know how many times I was hit on by men that I knew were married. Now, it seems open marriages is the thing. That is a whole other topic that I wrote about a little bit ago and I am sure I will again. All this cheating that I have seen in my life made me very cynical about trust and very aware of the signs of a cheater. I am pretty sure my ex-husband cheated on me. The signs were there. He claims he never did and at four years since he left me, it really doesn’t matter anymore but if I ever find out he did, I would not be surprised at all.

Those of us that are cheated on have every right to be angry at the other woman but unless she knew he was married when they started the affair, he is the guilty one. Even if she did know, he is more guilty than she is. He is the one that broke the promise. He is the cheater and user. We don’t know what he told her and, obviously, he is a liar. You cannot believe anything the cheater says about the relationship.