Last weekend, I went on a short ice cream date when I went to visit my son. My son was at an event so I figured I would do something. The guy talked about how much he hated various things and ended up making a very racist remark to me and then told me how he is not racist. I left that “date” once again wondering why I even bother anymore. I love my life. Most of the time I am not lonely. Do I really want to bring someone into my life that is going to take my time away from the things that are important to me? From what I have seen since I started dating it most men want to change us into who they want us to be. I am not “good enough” for them for whatever reason OR they are not right for me. I keep meeting men that are religious (even though I am very clear that I won’t date a religious man), crude,  or needy. Is it so much to ask to find a man that is non-religious. We are now a large part of the community. Is it so much to ask to find a man that can speak in proper English (most of the time), reads books, listens to music, is athletic and takes care of himself and cares for humanity? He doesn’t have to match me 100% but there are some things that are very important to me. I want him to have teeth. I want him to be well kept. I don’t want to be with a fat man that does not take care of himself. I walk almost ten miles a day for work. I also do karate 2 times a week. I hike on weekends. I kayak, I love football. I do drink but can have fun without it. I ski. I don’t want a partner that wants to sit on his ass and watch TV all the time, though I do love to watch television and movies. I read a lot. I would love to have someone to share books and discuss books with. I am very liberal so a Trump supporter does not fit in my life but many of them ask me out because I am cute. I am fifty years old but don’t look it. I am about 120 pounds trying to gain muscle mass but I want more than a physical relationship. I want to be physically attracted to my partner. It would be great to find someone to go to Comic Con with, as well as brew fests, film festivals, and wine festivals. I have gotten so I am comfortable going by myself. Is that a good or bad thing. I am finding that the longer that I am single and alone, the less tolerant I am of partner issues. Last weekend, my mom and daughter also came to visit my son. We had four of us trying to decide where to eat. I am so used to making decisions without anyone’s input anymore. I was really having a hard time with the indecision. Finally I just said that I didn’t care where I went. I would have a beer at one place and a margarita at the other. That was when my mom finally put in an opinion. For breakfast the next day, I just made a decision. Will I ever be able to let someone completely into my life again? One of my concerns with men I meet are ones that have never been in a long relationship because I am afraid that they will not be able to handle the changes of one. Am I becoming that person? Am I doomed to be my mother and single the rest of my life? I love who I am and how I am growing in independence daily but it scares me, also. There are days or moments that I am lonely sometimes lonely as hell. Days that I just want someone to love me. Today is one of them. Here is it Mother’s Day and I am all alone. I have three great kids but they are grown. I am no longer the focus of their lives, as it should be. The oldest had the morning with her boyfriend and is at home 300 miles away right now. The middle one that lives with me had to work today. The youngest hasn’t come home for the summer from college yet.  I have spent the day doing chores in my house but not as much as I should have. Most of the day has been spent paying bills and watching Shanarrah Chronicles. I started drinking margarita’s a drink ago. It would have been nice to not be alone today. Tomorrow is a quiet day but then Tuesday through Thursday, I go non-stop. I get up, go to work, and eat all day. After work, I either have my karate class or my atheist meeting. By Friday, I am usually exhausted so if I have no plans that night, I am actually usually relieved but going out for an hour or two after work is not a terrible thing. Saturday is my errand day if I stay in town. I also take an hour or two to sit at Starbucks with a coffee, a book, and my pup (outside patio). I really enjoy my Saturdays. Sometimes, I go on a hike or something like that instead.

I think I am just needing to accept being alone.It is so much easier and there are so many frogs out there. I haven’t found anyone worth my time in almost a year and he ghosted me after four weeks of telling me how much he liked me. I am not sure it is worth the risk and pain anymore. I can take care of myself. Financially is a struggle but it is getting better.  I refuse to let loneliness take over my life so I will stay busy and active. If someone decent enters my life, I hope I can accept him in.

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Last night I went out with my friend, the photographer.  We met on a dating site three or four years ago and went on a couple of dates but it never went anywhere. I never felt a physical connection with him but enjoyed  his company. Over the years, every time we run into each other, he gives me these great hugs and we have become decent friends. About a month ago, we went out for dinner and I realized how much I enjoy his company. I wish I felt some physical connection because he is just wonderful. We have so much in common. We went out last night again. We were at the restaurant for hours and had such a nice time. We talked quite a bit about dating.  He has been divorced for a long time and has no kids. He was involved with a woman not that long ago. They talked about marriage but she broke it off with him a year ago. The talk about dating turned interesting when we realized that we both feel the same way about dating. I had actually posted on Facebook.

“I think that might be part of the problem. I really am enjoying the freedom of being single. I would like someone but don’t want to give up my freedom. Finding a man who feels the same is difficult. I have met a couple that want to be attached at the hip immediately and I do not want that at all. I have an active full life now. Do I really have time for a man??? I am not sure but there are times I really want one. Is there a rent a boyfriend plan out there for the nights I want to snuggle and Netflix with someone besides my pup?” 

when she said that when I quit looking I will find someone.

He and I started joking about the pros and cons of being with someone. We both love the idea of having someone to snuggle with and be the companion but we also love that no one is expecting us to watch things we do not want to watch, complain about our sleeping habits, complain about me reading in bed, etc. We were laughing so hard about  all the different things we do NOT miss about being in a relationship.

After dinner, we came back to my house and snuggled on the couch and watched a movie. We had a nice night. He asked if he should stay and snuggle but I chose not to. I really do like him. I wonder if a physical attraction can develop. If not, I have a great friend that I can honestly share things with and laugh.

I have been a bit lonely at times lately and definitely craving some physical touch. R and I still talk a lot. He is still talking to the gal in Moscow so we have not done anything besides friend things. We have had coffee a few times. We have been to the dog park. I worked for him one day when he needed help and I was able to use the money so that was a win win for both of us. Recently, we were talking about a movie and I asked him if he was available for some innocent snuggling.  He said yes and invited me over to snuggle on his couch and watch that movie. I was prepared to possibly spend the night and totally behave.  He is a good snuggler and  we both are missing physical touch. He has no commitment at this time so no reason he can’t fool around but I was planning on not doing anything.

Things were real good and nice for a while but eventually, he and I were fooling around a bit. It was so difficult to not let it go farther. He told me that he didn’t have to behave but he felt like he shouldn’t do anything until he gave her a chance. I know that if I had pushed at all, things would have progressed and I would have enjoyed having a wonderful night with  him, instead, I stopped things from going farther. I flat out told him that I would stay if he wanted me to and do nothing but snuggle, have sex, or leave but it was his choice. At this point, leaving was NOT what I wanted to do but I finally told him that I was leaving unless he stopped me. I kissed him goodbye and went out the door. I got to my car and realized I needed to go back for my phone and glasses. Damn….I had to do it all again but I did it. I can have him be a FWB like he was for a while but not under these circumstances. It was not easy to drive away from his house. I told him later that I couldn’t believe he actually let me leave. He said he couldn’t believe it either. I told him that she better not hurt him. I sure wish that he and I could have had a nice innocent night. I did enjoy what happened but I left completely sexually frustrated AND still wanting to have a night of snuggling.

I texted my eldest and told her what happened and she told me how strong I was for leaving. I had to think about it for a minute and then told her why I was able to do so. I did not want him to regret having sex with me and I have too much respect for myself now. I want him to have sex with me again because he wants to not just because we are both horny. I am proud of myself for walking out and the relevation of why was very good for me. I don’t know if R and I will ever be together physically again but obviously, the physical connection is still there. We  care about each other. It is a shame that he couldn’t love me. We could have been good together but I accepted we would be no more than friends a long time ago. It has been two years since we dated. I hope he can find love. I hope I can find love.

Just before the holiday, I decided to sign back up on the dating sites. I admit that my timing was terrible. I didn’t take the time to do much responding but have been talking to a few guys.

One guy seemed real nice. We chatted quite a bit and I thought that we were hitting it off. We discussed having drinks after work one day and then he disappeared. The day after we were supposed to meet (date had been set but not time or place), I heard from him. He apologized profusely and stated life had been hectic. Since my life can be that way, I understood. I ran into him downtown, we said hi, hugged, had one more text and then I haven’t heard from him for two weeks.  I have no idea why I was ghosted but am getting used to this.

I had a date last night with another guy that I had been chatting with.   I was really looking forward to meeting him.He seemed so personable via chatting BUT, in person, he was so dull and there were some red flags.  He was nice but I have no desire to see him again. Unfortunately, he wants to see me again so I need to find a way to let him down. I hate hurting people’s feelings.

I had a lunch date today with another man that I have been chatting with. To be honest, I wasn’t at all interested in him but have decided to be more open and give more men a chance. I almost cancelled at the last minute but decided that would be rude. He showed up and I immediately noticed he was older looking and heavier than his profile pictures but he was very nice. We had a very nice lunch and I enjoyed my date very much. I do not see anything happening with it but maybe a new friend but it was still a nice time. We had enough in common to enjoy each others company BUT I think we both felt the same after the date.

I have been chatting with a few more men that have just baffled me. One yesterday lives a couple of states away. After a couple of texts, he asked it we had a chance. I told him that we knew nothing about each other yet so he sent me photos of his nice body. He wouldn’t answer direct questions about him, his values, beliefs, or anything. He just kept asking if we had a chance. Needless to say, he is now blocked. A guy a shared a couple of messages with today went from hello to sexual innuendos after 3 texts. A third guy a few weeks ago kept telling me about how large he was and how well he could satisfy me. I can’t help but wonder if these guys really have luck with this approach with anyone.

Needless to day, my first few weeks of trying to date again are not going well. It is a good thing that I am not needing a man to be happy. I will trudge on and see what happens.

Life has been a bit busy and crazy for the past few weeks. I thought about blogging many times and about many things BUT just have not been taking the time. I have 24 more hours with my son home and I have been enjoying every moment we have had together. I also have been doing a lot of reading and self reflection. One of the first guys I dated after my divorce was the most positive person that I have ever met. I asked him how he could always be so positive and he told me that it was because of this book by Tony Robbins that he read.

I have finally been reading this book after almost four years. I will go into it a bit in a later blog but I wanted to share one major thing that I have realized. I am GLAD that I have been alone mostly for the past five years. It has enabled me to grow. It has enabled me to learn who I really am. Time (and this book) have given me the ambition to set goals again. My life had been, for so long, all about our kids, our marriage, his career. Our kids are grown, our marriage is over and his career doesn’t affect me anymore. I have not been focusing on goals for years now. If I had stayed in the relationship with BFF or gotten serious with someone else, my focus would have become on them, their wishes, their lives, etc. This has been a great time of growth for ME and maybe, eventually, I will be able to let someone back in that fits into MY GOALS. I truly love myself and enjoy my own company. I am setting my own goals and have my own dreams now all because I have taken the time to get to know me- post marriage.

Life has been a bit busy for me lately and my mind has been all over the place. I really wish that I could blog every time I want to. I usually have things come to me at work and then I come home and have to feed the dogs, do things in the house, and then read and go to bed. I haven’t been dating at all.

Ex-bf and I had a rough spell in which I almost told him to leave my life. He was/is making decisions that really bothered me and made me uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure that our friendship was going to survive. I am glad to say that we worked past it.I was so sad to think that he wouldn’t be in my life anymore. We basically decided to not try again. He said that I was not showing interest but I was afraid. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to “fix” him. He is looking for a woman to fix something big. I tried for two years. I truly think that a woman will not fix the problem. I think he needs to see someone for mental help and to change a few things in his life for the problem to be fixed. I was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to love me again. He ended up saying some real mean things to me on a day that was already stressful. It is funny though that as angry as I was with him, he was the first person I wanted to contact when I needed to talk to someone and needed comfort. He was interested in this one gal and she said some not nice things about me and he decided to not see her anymore and defended me. I guess we are back to FWB. I spent a few hours with him yesterday. It is just so nice with him. It really is a shame that it won’t grow into something more but I have finally accepted that we won’t be together forever. I am going to enjoy what we have when we have it. He is my family. He is my kids family. We all love each other.

A Woman on the Edge of Time: a son's search for his motherA Woman on the Edge of Time: a son’s search for his mother by Jeremy Gavron
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I picked this book up at a book rescue not knowing much about it but it definitely drew me to it. The speed in which I read it says something. I did not want to put this book down. Hannah was such a strong woman and so ahead of her time. It made me think of being a woman before now. My grandmother was also ahead of her time. I often thought about my mother who was in the same age group as Hannah. Women were expected to be a certain way and women who chose not to had a difficult road. Unfortunately, Hannah ultimately couldn’t handle it and took her life. She left two young boys and a family that never spoke of her again. This is written by the younger of the boys as he tries to understand his mother and her choice. This book also made me proud of my daughters who are in no hurry to marry and have babies. They are living their lives before they go down this path, if they choose that path I sure wish that I had done so. Hannah’s thesis that was later published is The Captive Wife. I wonder how many of us feel the way this book implies. I think Ii will have to find it and read it. I know I can probably relate. I gave up my life for the “dream” and it was a mistake. Now I am alone, poor, and fifty, trying to figure out how to live my dreams. I will make it as I have made it this far. This book is worth the read. It is not anti-man. It is not anti-marriage. It is more about having the strength to follow your dreams. The women back then had so many more obstacles than we do now. It has improved but many are still there due to our gender. We need to continue to change things for our daughters and granddaughter.

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