I’ll never forget April 20th, 1999.

Source: Thoughts on Vegas, and Why Men Keep Doing This – Be Yourself

This is a real good read on what is going on with men in our society. I highly recommend The Mankind Project to help our men.

Advertisements

Sometimes, we get mixed up in a situation due to no fault of our own. A year ago, someone near and dear to me (the lonely gal) got involved with a married man, who was a good friend. (I thought) I had been friends with him since my divorce. I even dated one of his best friends. He and I had shared a lot of personal information over the years I had known him. He made me laugh. He was fun to party with. He was a huge part of my social circle. Now, she is a younger gal. She had never been with anyone before. She was not living here but was living a couple hours away in a  tiny town that she was having a difficult time meeting men to date. She had made a few friends but for the most part was very isolated.  He was temporarily living past her and was driving home on weekends to see his wife and kids. He occasionally would pick her up and they would carpool to town. I had introduced them and wasn’t concerned about anything happening between them. She was innocent, knew he was married, a virgin, and not the type to break rules. He had been telling me for a couple of years how much he loved his wife and how he would never ever cheat on her. I had been to their house a couple of times and liked her. He was a flirt but a lot of people are. I flirt with just about anyone but most of the time, it is nothing. Flirting is fun. I knew that she had a bit of a crush on him but understood that but wasn’t concerned.

It all started at my holiday party. Sometimes people will stay over night so they don’t drive unsafely or if the weather is bad. In the morning, they were holding hands and hugging a lot. I talked to her about what was going on and encouraged her to not go forward. In the months that followed, I told him multiple times to NOT do what he was heading towards and not to hurt her. Eventually, it became a full fledged affair and not only was I disappointed in both of them I was stuck in the middle. Of course, the truth eventually came out and he didn’t leave his wife and my young friend was heart broken. We also found out he had been sleeping with a couple of other gals I know, one I had been friends with for years. He had turned out to be a real winner. This all damaged to many relationships. I lost him as a friend. Almost lost the other gal he was sleeping with. She and I have been able to work things out. The young one was used, her loneliness was taken advantage of. Yes, she made poor choice but was really hurt and damaged by this man that I thought was my friend.  He was her first of many things. She and I are fine now but she doesn’t have to run into him or his wife.

I ran into him yesterday when I was at work. It was so awkward. I just want to scream at him. I want to scream at him for hurting multiple friends, for hurting his wife, for hurting me. I so miss my friend but I cannot forgive him or let him back into my life. Unfortunately, we do run in some similar circles  and have mutual friends that do not know what happened. It makes it difficult in our little town and I am sure there will be times that we have to be together. If he had just chosen to stay faithful until he figured things out it would be all different between us all. I don’t think any of those involved realized how their actions would affect everyone else. It was such a mess and actually almost cost me my friendship with ex-bf, too. There is a tiny part of me that would love to let him back in my life at a party buddy but I know I cannot do that for many reasons. I am still so angry at him. When I see him, there is the part of me that wants to scream at him but then there is the part of me that wants to hug him and ask him how he is doing after all this. I am such a damn softy that I want to forgive him and be his friend again but the gals that were involve are way more important to me than he is so there is no way I can. So I will continue just being polite when I see him an ignoring his wife when I see her. Of course, she hates ALL OF US now, even those of us that weren’t involved but knew.

2007 was one of the toughest of my life. I turned out to be numb for much of the year. 2006 ended on a high note and I woke to a phone call from my mother real early. That was not a usual occurrence for me. She called to let me know that one of my favorite players on the Denver Broncos had been murdered in downtown Denver the night before. If I had known that was just the beginning, I don’t know how I would have reacted. As it was, I was heart-broken. Darrent Williams was a great cornerback but he also had a passion for the game that was exhilarating. He always had a great smile and I couldn’t help but smile when I saw him. He was young and had potential for being a great in the league. I loved watching him play or be interviewed. A few years later, my children gave me a collectors photo of him for my Broncos room. He will always be remembered by me.

If there was any year in my life that I would remove if I could, it would be 2007. Williams was just the beginning. I had so many deaths to deal with that year. Co-workers, friends, kids friends parents, family members, friends kids, kids friends, my dog.  Deaths were unexpected and some were expected. There was old age, cancer, car accidents, brain aneurysm, and stroke. I spent most the year in mourning and scared about what was next. I spent most of the year worrying about my kids and how they would handle all the death in their lives. I spiraled into a deep depression that I truly believe was the beginning of the end of my marriage. 2008 started with the first time my ex told me that he didn’t want to be married anymore. I understand. I cried almost very day the year prior. I just thought that once I got better, we would get better. I do think he got depressed too but would never get help. He spiraled into anger and withdrew from everyone and everything.

It took me a while to dig out and a lot of work. I will probably blog about many of these people that died in 2007 this year. That year changed me. In the long run, it was for the better. It has made me stronger though I am pretty cynical when people get sick now. I hate the way it affected my children. It was the beginning of a lot of deaths for them. They have all been affected so much at such young ages. They all had a classmate missing at graduation. Our little town has had a child missing at graduation almost every year for the past 8 years. I think only one year was the exception. I am not going to focus on the negative but I do need to talk about this. Death is such a difficult subject that we all try to avoid BUT it is something we all have to deal with. Our time is so short on this planet and we need to appreciate every day and everything we have. The song by Five For Fighting in 100 Years always hits me hard. 

Wow, I made it through today. I wasn’t sure how I was going to be with my eldest not coming home and my ex-bf being with someone else.  Amazingly, I did great. I had a good day. We all slept in. We woke up and did our stockings for the others and then talked a bit before we actually went to see what Santa brought. Luckily, my eldest had done some shopping so the stockings weren’t empty. We were all very happy with what were happy with what we got. The kiddos were cute with their Santa gifts. After that, we did our presents and were laughing and having a great time until the eldest called. She sounded so sad. She chose to spend the holiday with her dad and his new girlfriend that has always treated her poorly. She stated this woman had hardly spoken two words to her since she got there. I almost let this conversation get me down but I had to remind myself that she is almost 26 and chose to spend the holiday with them. I cannot let that get me down. I was having fun and I do have to be happy that she wants a better relationship with her dad than I have with mine. Unfortunately, as long as he is with the woman he is with, there will b problems. He will never tell the gal to treat his kid better. He never told his family to treat me better in twenty-three years.

Presents were good, though few, and we just chilled most of the day. I did get some nice glasses and serving dishes so we did rearrange the kitchen a bit to find  place for the new stuff and get rid of the stuff I no longer use or need. We have watched a couple of movies, napped, ate lots of leftovers from the party and just enjoyed each others company. We just munched on food all day and did not have a formal dinner. If we can get out of the driveway tomorrow,  I will go buy some things for dinner tomorrow. The middle kiddo is stuck in the middle o the driveway due to about a foot of snow that fell in the past 24 hours. If not, we have no formal dinner but we had each other. My first Christmas being “alone” in ages. The first one post-divorce doesn’t count. I was still numb. Maybe, next season will be better for me. I have come to realize that I am fine being alone. I haven’t felt lonely all day.

I love my kids and really don’t need anything or anyone else but have some amazing friends, in addition to my kids. I had a good day even without my eldest and a significant other. Sometime tomorrow, my eldest will get here and we will have a little time together before she heads home. I hope she had a decent day. Of course, the ex-hubby didn’t call the other two. He sent them a text and he wonders why they want nothing to do with him. Oh well. We all pay for our choices. She chose to spend the day with her dad. He chose to walk out on his family. The other two chose to spend the holiday with me. I choose daily to be happy with ME.

Tomorrow, we will dig a car out of the driveway and probably actually move a bit but today has been close to perfect. I have my kids and myself. I do not need anyone else. I am happy and content with my life just the way it is. Okay, a bit more money wouldn’t hurt. 😉 I hope you all had a great day and enjoy  the rest of your holiday season. Thanks for reading. This blog is healing for me and the fact I have anyone read at all is nice.

 

A couple of years ago, I decided to try a new treatment for my migraines. I actually went in very skeptical but figured anything was worth a try. I have a friend, also my chiropractor, who also does accupuncture. I went in to see her for this. I had headaches almost daily and was taking a lot of meds to try and at least make them tolerable. They seemed to be getting worse in severity so I had to try something new.  I ended up doing about 8-10 treatments, ending in February of that year and DID NOT HAVE ANOTHER MIGRAINE until AUGUST. I was shocked. So for the past two years, I have hardly had to use migraine meds and go in about every 5-6 months to get another round of accupuncture treatments. It is not a horrible treatment. Most of the needles, you do not feel at all. What I found interesting though is the ones that hurt real bad at the beginning of a series of treatments, don’t hurt at the end. I have now realized when they quit hurting, I am done with the treatments for a while.

This was so worthwhile for me and I highly recommend anyone that suffers from chronic headaches to try and find a good accupunturist and give it a whirl.

Sometimes, we all get so wrapped up in day to day living that we forgot the important things in life. Sometimes, we are given reminders of what is important. Last week was one of those for me and many that I care about. We have lost a 14 year old girl to a tragic accident. I spent last week going through old photos to try and find some to scan and share with others and give some to her family. Right now, the shock of losing her is horrendous but eventually those photos will be more precious than about anything. I am so glad I have photos of my grandparents and wish that I had more photos of a few other people I have lost. Taking them is important but so is putting them somewhere where they will be safe and last so when needed, they can be retrieved and enjoyed. That is where safe albums and digital back up is so important. I am always working on that but will be in high gear again after this.

I can honestly say I haven’t had a day like this in so long. First I woke up feeling pretty good. No headache or major pain. That is rare for me. At work, I found out that not only have we hired someone for the FT position next to me but it is someone that I really like that has been with us PT for almost a year. She is so good at her job and I don’t have to train anyone either. The relief knowing the days of being majorly short-handed at work are over is phenomenol

The last and best thing is my husbands job. It has come through and we can start moving on to the changes. I do know that not everything about it will be good and there iwll be major adjustments but I am truly hoping that his being happy at work will help him to be happy at home. To top it off, through all this job stuff, he has been telling me before his best buddy, coming down to my office to tell me. I can tell we are reconnecting already. Now to get him to just put on his damn ring.