My eldest came home last week and on Friday morning, my two eldest kids told me that they had something to tell me. They dropped a bombshell. They told me that their dad is getting married. My initial reaction was good for him. I always knew he would do this before I did. I was so relieved that he didn’t marry the weasel faced bitch. The new gal is also a gal he knew in high school. I am grateful that she and the kids all get along. I haven’t met her yet but she seems better than WFB. I do think it is humorous that he has gone backwards with his women but really, I do wish him well.

My initial reaction lasted a short while and then the tears and anger came. Damn him!!! He is about the make the promises to another woman that he made to me twenty eight years ago. For twenty three years, I stood by him as he built his career. I gave up my military career because he didn’t like the military life and I stayed home and raised our kids. Because of the date I got out of the military, I had to give up my GI Bill so I lost my chance of finishing my education while I raised our three kids. I moved to and lived in Chicago and suffered there all alone. I dealt with in-laws that for the most part never welcomed me to the family. I dealt with a controlling husband that treated me like he was better then I am, even though I was more educated and, to be honest, smarter than he is. I put up with emotional abuse but kept thinking that it would get better. I put up with so much only to find that his promises meant nothing to him. Is it normal of me to have resentments now, even though I wouldn’t take him back for anything? I could have retired from the military ten years ago and worked in a field I loved all that time. I would have retirement now and could be having a second income now.

I don’t want him back. I do not love him. I am not jealous but I fucking resent the hell that he makes over three times what I do. I sacrificed so much for our family only to have him walk out just as the kids were grown and we could finally start having our time. He gets to move on with a good career while I am struggling to even pay my bills and eat. I am alone while I am struggling while he is now in his second serious relationship and actually getting married. I honestly think I will be alone forever. There is also the part of me that hope that he has grown enough that he will treat her better than he treated me. Such a horrible range of emotions. I cried for a bit, which made my kids feel bad for telling me. I tried to hide it from them but was unable to hold it in the entire time. I really am happy for him. I wish him well. I just wish that things could be good for me, too.

R was hanging out with my kid and me on Friday. He noticed immediately that something was wrong and mentioned that maybe I should see someone. I am so hesitant to do so. I have a few free visits with my insurance but they are with counselors in the hospital where i used to work. One encouraged him to divorce me and the other has been an acquaintance for over 20 years, I also get stressed being in that building due to how Centura treated me. Besides, I honestly think that my having a reaction was normal. I am not dwelling on it. I am not crying about it anymore. I just had to vent my feelings.

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I had so many plans for this weekend but I barely got off the sofa. I did get some things done but never left the house and barely got dressed. I sure wish that I could just end this funk that I have been in.

As the year is coming to a close, I cannot help but realize that another year has passed ALONE. January 8th will be the beginning of my 7th year alone except for the few marvelous months with the ex-bf. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being just friends. I am tired of FWB which is why I haven’t had sex since I was in Arizona the beginning of November. Is is so much to want a relationship.. Is it too much to want to be loved and be in love. I won’t settle to have it but DAMN it, I miss it.

The pilot and I decided that the distance was an issue and have decided to be just friends. It sucked to have that discussion but it was needed. It is a shame that things were not different with us. He is so much fun. I could have gotten attached to him. In the mean time, R is confusing the hell out of me. He came over the other night, we talked, snuggled and fooled around but I told him that I cannot and will not have sex with him as friends anymore. He was fine with that. I have made it very clear with him where I stand. If he wants to give us a chance, all he has to do it say so but he won’t. He invited me to come over and spend new years with him and his son tomorrow. I told him that really all I want to just spend a week in bed drinking and feeling sorry for myself for not being lovable. He texted me back that I am loved and I told him but not completely. He replied, “more than you know” Now what the fuck does that mean. If he is in love with me, why doesn’t he say it. If he isn’t then he needs to quit saying things like that.

There is a part of me that wants to just give up and be celibate forever but then there is the other part of me that wants to continue trying so I signed back up on Match today. I have never paid for Match before but POF and OKCupid have had the same men for five years. It was time to look at possibly a new set of men. Of course, Broncos fan, R, and a couple of other men that I have gone out with are there. I hope that it is not as bad as the others were for me more recently.

In the mean time, I need to get my ass off the sofa for more than work and karate. I need to work on decluttering the home so I can sell this place ASAP. I need to find another source of income so I can start getting ahead financially.

I hope that 2019 is a better year for me. 2018 has had its moments but for the most part, I am so glad that it is over.

Before I was married, my mother used to host a party on Christmas Eve. She didn’t do it very long but I enjoyed it and when I got married, I continued the tradition. When the kids got to school age, we changed the date so it was a Saturday before Christmas. For many years, it has been the highlight of the holiday. I have baked for a month prior to the party. Cookies and breads galore.  A few main dishes, side dishes, chocolate fountain. For many years, we had a pool table (the ex got rid of it two months before he filed for divorce- I gave in to make him happy) We have  dart board, air hockey table. When the kids were younger, we let them have one friend spend the night every year. One young man has only missed a couple of these parties since he was about five. He is twenty now. We have had as few as ten people come and as many as sixty come and go. We have had clear skies and almost blizzards but it has happened every year. Every so often, during my bad years, I would threaten to cancel the party due to stress but was always glad that I didn’t. The event was always one of my favorite nights of the year. After the divorce, I almost stopped but the kids still really wanted it to happen. Some of the best ones have been the past few years. We pulled out the karaoke machine, board games, and just enjoyed the time BUT it has been more and more difficult for all the kids to be here. The middle one has been late or missed due to work for years. She won’t be able to be here at all tomorrow. My son has to work  and miss the first few hours. The eldest is driving down tomorrow and has no idea when she will be here. I have been working so much as have the kids so hardly anything is ready for tomorrow night.

I made a decision today. This is the last one. I basically cancelled it today. I told a few people to still come. Tomorrow I will clean house and make cookies. We only have a few old time guests coming, including that young man. Next year, my kids and I will not be hosting this party. Our lives are so different now. They have jobs, boyfriends or girlfriends. I am trying to date. I love our party but no longer want to make this a have to event every year. We may choose to do something smaller from time to time but no longer will we have a date set in stone for a year. No longer will  I spend a ton of money and time on this party. The kids will be free to go hang with friends during the holiday time when they are in town and their friends are home, too.I will have the freedom to go with a boyfriend (if I have one) to other events.

It has been a good long run. I have hosted this party 25 times in 27 years. There are many things that I will miss but it sometimes is good to change traditions. I wonder how I will feel next December when I do not have a party to plan and prepare for. Only time will tell but I imagine that I will be more free with money and time and that will be good.