I’ll never forget April 20th, 1999.

Source: Thoughts on Vegas, and Why Men Keep Doing This – Be Yourself

This is a real good read on what is going on with men in our society. I highly recommend The Mankind Project to help our men.

Advertisements

Here I am sitting in my den with my dogs, alone, on a holiday. The kids are at work. There are events going on, of course, but I really didn’t feel like going to these alone.  This is such a family day. My friends are with their families and I have my dogs. I guess this is a good day to get some  things done around the house and get some blogs written.

It is funny how most of the time I am not lonely anymore. I am truly content being alone most of the time.  can do what I want, when i want. Read, watch TV, take a walk, ride my motorcycle. Eat dessert for breakfast. cook if I choose, I really do enjoy the freedom BUT there are times that it is super lonely and things that I really miss. I miss family meals. For twenty-three years, we had a sit down meal almost every night. We would laugh, talk, share our day, dreams, etc. I miss that so much that it sometimes hurts. Now I get that rarely. I eat by myself most of the time. I am most  lonely when my emotions are high. When I am super sad or excited about something, I miss having a partner to share things with. I miss having someone to run things by before a decision is made. I do not miss them telling me what I can do but advice and a helpful ear is definitely missed. I miss having someone to share fun and bad times with. I miss having someone that is my best friend in all ways. Good thing that my pup listens well. 😉

Today I am lonely. I wish I had someone to BBQ with, to drink a beer or two with. To snuggle with and watch fireworks. Instead, I am home….alone….. and will be until I go to bed. I tried to stay up and positive today but as the day goes on, it is getting worse. Oh well, this is now my life. I need to get used to it.

The holidays are such a difficult time for so  many people for various reasons. One of the hardest things during the holidays is being single and alone. We are constantly reminded of coupledom: Jewelry commercials, movies, songs, etc.  Except for my first Christmas after my divorce, this was my first one being single since 1988. I still had my annual party. I was the only one, besides the kids, that was single.  I made it through it even with my ex-bf bringing his new girlfriend. Fortunately, and unfortunately, I really like her. It makes it easier to be happy for him but also less easy for me to secretly hope they don’t work out and he decides that I am perfect for him after all. I really do not want him back but there are moments that I do, especially when I am lonely and that has definitively occurred this season. I was speaking to R today and he was talking about his loneliness this season. We decided that, even though we don’t belong together, that we will be there for each other during lonely times until one of us finds someone else.

I have actually done pretty well this season but do admit that I am not thrilled to see Valentine’s Day stuff already out. I am sure I will blog about that at some time. I haven’t had a boyfriend since R last March. I almost had one with P in October but that was disastrous. I am proud of myself this year though. I have only cried a couple of times and actually enjoyed myself a lot. I do wish I had someone to ring in the new year with but that is not going to happen and I am mostly good with that. I know that this probably will not last forever but then I look at my mother. She is almost 76 and has been single for over 20 years. As far as I know, she hasn’t had a date or sex since her divorce. I do not want to be that way.  I have decided this month that I am no longer actively looking. I am just going to live my life and see what happens but I do hope that this was my last lonely holiday season. I do not like being alone during this time.

 

This is a question that so many people deal with after a divorce or break up. Everyone is different but I have read in many books that three years is ideal. It gives a person time to heal and figure out what they want in a relationship.  Some people start dating right away while some stay away from dating for a long time. In my opinion, people that begin dating immediately tend to be the kind of person that cannot be alone. I know several people like this. They bounce from relationship to relationship. When one ends, they tend to find the next one quickly. I wonder if these people can ever learn to be happy alone.

I do understand how people do this though. When I got my divorce, I was scared to be alone. I was lonely. I had so many emotions that I could have stashed away  and started a new relationship. I didn’t want to do this though. I had already started a journey of self-improvement. I knew that I had to figure me out and be independent before I could give myself to someone else again. I also did not want my divorce. I was heart broken. I did not feel lovable or beautiful or desirable. I didn’t know if I could ever love again or trust again. The thought of being with someone other than my husband after 23 years was terrifying. I had had three kids. I wasn’t in the shape I was 23 years prior. I am older as we all are.

I realized I was ready to date again after  a few months when I met a man that I couldn’t quit thinking about. He treated me real well and taught me that I could be interested again. We dated for a few months but were never serious. We were good for each other. He was going through his divorce at the time so we knew it was too soon for both of us. I did get a bit attached to him and that scared me (and him). He disappeared from my life for a few months and now we are friends again.

I went out with a few people before I actually met  my ex-bf. It was almost a year after my divorce was final when I met him. Looking back, it was probably still too early. I did fall madly in love with him BUT I was still holding onto so much anger towards my ex. He later told me how much the ex was in our lives really bothered him. I hadn’t realized until that day how much the ex still infiltrated my life. That is not the reason B and I broke up but I am sure it was a contributing factor. I also stated early in our relationship that it wouldn’t last. Was that me being negative because I didn’t know how to trust or was it me being wise to signs that I saw early  in the relationship. I definitely think i was a bit of both. I knew pretty early that I was not what he wanted long term, though he professed his love first. He spoiled me and taught me how to accept love and to give love again.

It has now been three years since my divorce and only a few months since B and I finally really broke up. It took us 16 months too do so. I look at myself after all this time and I think I am finally ready for a real relationship. I am not in a hurry for something to happen but I am not so scared anymore. I know I will not sacrifice myself for a relationship again. I won’t give myself up nor try to change anyone else. I know more and more what I want in a man and where I am willing to compromise. I am willing to be alone forever if I do not find  a compatible man. I hope that doesn’t happen. I would prefer companionship but I no longer NEED it. I think we all need to reach this stage before we get serious with someone after a heartbreak.

Three years may be what the experts recommend but I do think that may be too long for some and definitely not enough for others. I know I do not want to date a man going through his divorce or immediately after. I have recently met two men, probably very nice men, that are obviously dating too soon. One, I suspect, is going to jump into a marriage as soon as he finds a woman agreeable and the other even admitted that he still loves his ex. Not men that I want to date. I am glad I didn’t rush into a marriage or commitment. I am glad I have taken the time to get to know ME. I like ME and if I find a man that I commit to again, he will be lucky to have me and I will be lucky to have him..

Dating, that is? Sometimes I wonder. Tonight, the ex-con and I decided that we need to be just friends. This was after some major flirting and sexual innuendo. He is not ready, which I totally understand AND he doesn’t want just a physical relationship, which I respect. I do admit, I am a bit disappointed. He has such a nice body. So muscular and firm. I was definitely sexually attracted to him. I am not hurt or angry at all though. I knew it would probably go this way, I just figured it would go further first. He really is a nice guy. I wish him the best and hope that we can be friends. He is here for several more months and has no friends here. He did admit that I have been good for him. He needed to know that women might still be interested in him. Well, DUH!! He is hot, intelligent, articulate… Definitely my type.

I was talking to a neighbor today and he was asking me about R and why I was still looking. I didn’t know what to say. R has told me that something is missing. He is still so emotionally connected to his ex. He has a young child. I love that kiddo BUT do I really want that again. I am not sure that R and I could ever be in love. We keep ending up hanging out. I love him but I am not IN Love with him. He is a workaholic. I don’t know if I could do that.

Other men that I have dated or liked since the divorce have had good and bad things about them. It would be so nice to be able to make a man out of the best features of these men. Some have been extremely gentle and kind. Others very sexual but also very much wanting to please the woman. Others have been very generous. Some have been very attentive.  Is there a man out there that I can be happy with, even for a year or two? I am starting to doubt it. I am starting to wonder if dating is just a pain in the ass and a way to get hurt or hurt others- unintentially, of course. Tonight, I am lonely and wanting to be held so that is why I continue too look. I want someone to be able to talk to about concerns in my life and stresses. I want some to share the exciting things with too. I don’t want to be alone forever so i guess it is worth it and all the tears in the mean time.

I am asking this because I was talking to my best male friend today and he told me that he hopes that this new guy (A) and I will work out. I responded that I will either be happy with someone or happy without someone. I would love to find someone to grow old with but I would rather be alone than settle on someone just to not be alone. My friend told me that I am much too sweet to be alone and the man for me is out there.

I am not sure I believe that. I may end up with someone. He may or may not be in my life already. Every guy I go out with shows me things that are important to me in one way or the other. I have been single for three years now. There are pros and cons to “finding” someone. Yes, it would be great to have someone to share with and talk troubles out with all the time. Yes, it would be nice to have a someone to have sex with on a regular basis. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to snuggle with when watching a movie, TV, or just for snuggle. On the other hand, it is wonderful to be able to make all my own decisions. It is wonderful to get dressed up or down, based on my mood and not to please anyone. It is wonderful to not have someone expect me to cook and clean for them. It is wonderful to be alone. The longer I am alone, I think, the more difficult it will be to give up tha freedom. Will I let that man go due to stubbornness or pride or independence. Is there someone out there for me? If so, how do I know? Truly know. I thought my ex was and now I truly hate him. I never want to go through that hurt again. It is much easier to keep a bit of a wall up and have these short relationships. I have pushed away several men that were perfectly nice because I do not want to settle. I want passion, compassion, love, respect. I want a man who is a non-theist and a liberal. I want a man that is not afraid to show and share his feelings and emotions. I want a man that will stand up for me but also let me fight my own battles if I want to. I would also love to have a man that fits my physical attraction. Tall (6’2″ is perfect), fit, light eyes. Not fat, good teeth, no tobacco, if drugs, only marijuana occasionally. Intelligent. Kind to others. Are all these things too much to ask? If so, I would rather be alone and happy.

Life is so funny. Two weeks ago, I had very few prospects for even dates. There have been a couple of men that have expressed interest in me but for various reasons, I have still been discouraged. There is one gentleman that is super nice but I feel he is in a rush for a relationship. He hasn’t even been divorced a year after a long marriage. He is one of those men that will be living with or married quite quickly. I do not want a man that needs a wife. He is real nice BUT  not for me. That is where I have been lately. I have hardly had a date in weeks except for the two I discussed in a previous post. Suddenly, I have several men around again. When it rains it pours, I guess.

The ex BF (B) and I have not been fooling around and we have hardly seen each other. It is difficult to feel like I am losing my best friend but I guess that is the direction it is going. He has met a woman that he is interested in and has been hanging around other people a lot while I have been down and hanging out alone at home. I miss him but I guess this is probably for the best. I just hope I can find with someone else what I had with him. I have never had such good communication with anyone before. It was a wonderful thing. It is one of the reasons that I still love him so much and always will.

I have had a little time with number two (R) this week. We went to the rec center this week and had a nice date last night. I am still quite confused about what is going on with us.

In the mean time, there has been a new man at a meet-up that I attend that has really piqued my interest.Yesterday, I received a phone call from a man I was speaking to 9 months ago on one of the dating sites. I quit talking to him after R and I met and hit it off. The third one I started talking to on OK Cupid and we have a first date on Sunday. This has definitely been an interesting week.

I have been feeling real down and lonely lately which is probably not a good time to be going out on dates with new men but they also have been good for me this week Today is my first birthday without my son since he was born. I took the day off work but have no plans at this moment for the day. Have a date with girlfriends tonight though.