They say the third time is the charm. Three times you are out. I think that Broncos Fan just blew any chance with me. I shared previously how he blew me off on my birthday. 

We worked past that but it definitely make me look at things with him differently. Things had started off so good and I actually thought that we might develop into something. After that incident, I stepped back and decided that I really needed to take it slow with him. I am so glad that I changed my tone. He has now blown me off not once, not twice, not even three times but FOUR!!!! My birthday was bad enough but I wasn’t heartbroken. I mentioned that we were supposed to get together that Tuesday. I messaged him asking about the plans and he cancelled on me. He stated that he had to be in town at 0730 the next morning so didn’t think he could handle going out. I let him off the hook but I was really bothered. I live thirty minutes farther from town than he does. If we had gone out, I would have gotten home later than him and had to be at work in town at 0800 the next morning. He would been home more than an hour longer than I would have been so I felt he wimped out on me. The third time he flaked out on me was something coming up this weekend. My family has access to Denver Broncos tickets. I had invited him to go to the game with me this Sunday. He originally said yes and was supposedly excited to join me.  I put in for a vacation day on Monday and it was a date. He was looking for a new job and was lucky to find one pretty quickly BUT when he took the job, he had his start day be this Monday. I do know that maybe there wasn’t a choice BUT usually when you start a job, you can say, I have plans on such and such a day, can I start the next day. I have never had that be a problem when I was hired somewhere. I decided to let it go  but due to having some other problems, I almost had to cancel the trip, I got things worked out and a friend of mine is going with me. Tonight was the last one, He has been out of town for a week. We haven’t seen each other since the 1st. He called me last night and said he wanted to see me before I left town tomorrow. We planned a date for tonight. I think all we were going to do was hang at his place and watch some television and then I would have driven my 30 minutes home to my place to drive to Denver (almost 6 hours) tomorrow. This morning, he texts me and told me that today was going to be too busy for him and he was going to have to cancel. I told him okay but was not a happy woman.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend and I had a girls day. We talked a lot about our kids and their relationships. One of the things that she said that wishes that she could get her kids to realize is that what we see at the beginning is the best it is going to be. If someone is unreliable at the beginning that is not going to get better. I remember thinking then that it was a wise thing for all of us single people to remember. Broncos Fan is a nice man but he is not wanting to make sacrifices or make the time to spend it with me. If it were important to him, he would. I think maybe he was right when he said that we should just be friends. I can enjoy watching football with him but the man that I want to date wants to make time to be with me. I need to let him know this but first, I am heading out of town for a few days.  I deserve a man that puts me first and shows that I am important to him.

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My kids and I carpool to work a lot. We live thirty miles from Durango and all three of us work there. We have two cars currently so carpooling is often necessary. Sometimes we have to wait a couple of hours to start work or for the other person to get off work. Usually, the kids carpool as they both usually work nights but occasionally, I get the pleasure of one of the kids company. The other day was one of those nights. I got off at five, my son at eight, and the child at almost eleven. I volunteered to stay and wait for the boy. When I have to do this, I usually sit at the bar across the street and have a drink or two. The other night, it was a longer wait than usual and I ended up at the Starbucks for a while, reading my book and having a coffee a friend had bought for me earlier but hadn’t been made yet. After a little while, I decided to walk down the street and ended back up at the same bar I tend to go to. I got a table by the window, pulled out my book and had a beer. There was a musician playing that I hadn’t heard before and I was really enjoying that. I went from reading to just listening. I talked  a bit to the tourists at the table next to me. I watched a cute little kid playing on the sidewalk wearing a cape. I was just enjoying life and then it hit me. Six months ago, I was still uncomfortable walking into a bar by myself but that night it didn’t phase me. I have been going to Starbucks regularly alone and reading and having coffee on the weekends so that hasn’t been an issue in a long time. It is my weekly date with my pup. He gets a puppacino and a get a drink. I read, he gets love from strangers. Sometimes we do something else before or after but it time for me to read and relax away from home. I think this was the first time that I have walked into a bar/restaurant by myself and not felt awkward or lonely. I didn’t feel bad taking a table by myself. I was totally at ease. I think now that I could walk into any restaurant and have a meal by myself and not feel bad about it or feel that people were staring at me feeling sorry for me.

I have come such a long way since the divorce. During the divorce and for several months after, I could barely go anywhere much less by myself. My friend, Maria, and my kids drug me to a few places but I hardly went anywhere. When I was invited to go out with friends, often I would say yes but the anxiety would keep me home on the night of the event. I definitely didn’t want to do anything ALONE!!!! I didn’t want people to pity me or feel sorry for me for my husband walking out on me. I didn’t want to look pitiful. I didn’t want to be alone. The first couple of parties I went to alone, I cried either there or when I got home. This was at a friends house that I have known for years. When I went to my karate class the few times, I cried afterwards as it used to be a family class for us all. I struggled going to the Library grand opening when we built our new library though I knew just about everyone there. Maybe that was why it was so hard. Even going to my son’s school performances alone was hard. Now, I do  not even think about it. I just go where I want, when I want. I no longer think about what people think of me being alone. I even recently ran into someone I worked with years ago and he asked about my ex-husband. He had no idea we were divorced. That didn’t phase me. I just told him that we have been apart for over five years now.

I remember people telling me that it would get easier but I had no idea that some day I would be so comfortable with myself that I could do anything alone without it bothering me. I was not even like that prior to my marriage. I think my fifties are going to be great because for the first time in my life I am truly happy with who I am and with my own company.

I have been accused a number of times, mainly by family, of being way too open on Facebook. I decided years ago to be my authentic self. I am no longer going to hide my feelings or be who I am not. I did that for many years when I was married. By the time I was divorced, I had been depressed severely for years, suicidal and definitely not myself. Before he filed for divorce, I started the journey of healing. I started blogging. I started meds. I was seeing my doc regularly about my depression. During the divorce, I remember telling him that I was NOT going to go backwards.

I have shared so many details here and on Facebook. I know it is not always pleasant but I feel that when we share the unpleasantness also, we can possibly be helping others. I know how it feels to feel alone. I want my friends to know that they are not alone. Over the years, I have had many friends tell me how my openness has helped them with their divorces or other times of stress but last night, I truly felt that it has paid off. I had an ex-coworker contact me. She and I were not overly close but I always liked her a lot. She is a bit of a loner and introvert and does not make friends easily but there is something about her that drew me to her at work. Except for an occasional message now and then, we haven’t had any contact in many years. Last night, I got a message from her saying she needed to talk to someone. My son and I were having an evening together and were about to start a show but I told him it would have to wait, someone needed me. She called and we talked and cried and I was there for my friend. She told me that she felt alone and was so glad that I was there for her. I was told that the reason that she felt she could reach out to me is my openness on Facebook.

Being alone is sometimes hard but we all need it from time to time but being LONELY is another thing and there is nothing lonelier than being alone when you are in crisis. I wish I could do more for my friend than listen but I will stand by her during her time of crisis and be a friend that is needed. I will always be there for someone in need and I will continue to be an open book, good and bad. I truly believe that it saves lives.

Last weekend, I went on a short ice cream date when I went to visit my son. My son was at an event so I figured I would do something. The guy talked about how much he hated various things and ended up making a very racist remark to me and then told me how he is not racist. I left that “date” once again wondering why I even bother anymore. I love my life. Most of the time I am not lonely. Do I really want to bring someone into my life that is going to take my time away from the things that are important to me? From what I have seen since I started dating it most men want to change us into who they want us to be. I am not “good enough” for them for whatever reason OR they are not right for me. I keep meeting men that are religious (even though I am very clear that I won’t date a religious man), crude,  or needy. Is it so much to ask to find a man that is non-religious. We are now a large part of the community. Is it so much to ask to find a man that can speak in proper English (most of the time), reads books, listens to music, is athletic and takes care of himself and cares for humanity? He doesn’t have to match me 100% but there are some things that are very important to me. I want him to have teeth. I want him to be well kept. I don’t want to be with a fat man that does not take care of himself. I walk almost ten miles a day for work. I also do karate 2 times a week. I hike on weekends. I kayak, I love football. I do drink but can have fun without it. I ski. I don’t want a partner that wants to sit on his ass and watch TV all the time, though I do love to watch television and movies. I read a lot. I would love to have someone to share books and discuss books with. I am very liberal so a Trump supporter does not fit in my life but many of them ask me out because I am cute. I am fifty years old but don’t look it. I am about 120 pounds trying to gain muscle mass but I want more than a physical relationship. I want to be physically attracted to my partner. It would be great to find someone to go to Comic Con with, as well as brew fests, film festivals, and wine festivals. I have gotten so I am comfortable going by myself. Is that a good or bad thing. I am finding that the longer that I am single and alone, the less tolerant I am of partner issues. Last weekend, my mom and daughter also came to visit my son. We had four of us trying to decide where to eat. I am so used to making decisions without anyone’s input anymore. I was really having a hard time with the indecision. Finally I just said that I didn’t care where I went. I would have a beer at one place and a margarita at the other. That was when my mom finally put in an opinion. For breakfast the next day, I just made a decision. Will I ever be able to let someone completely into my life again? One of my concerns with men I meet are ones that have never been in a long relationship because I am afraid that they will not be able to handle the changes of one. Am I becoming that person? Am I doomed to be my mother and single the rest of my life? I love who I am and how I am growing in independence daily but it scares me, also. There are days or moments that I am lonely sometimes lonely as hell. Days that I just want someone to love me. Today is one of them. Here is it Mother’s Day and I am all alone. I have three great kids but they are grown. I am no longer the focus of their lives, as it should be. The oldest had the morning with her boyfriend and is at home 300 miles away right now. The middle one that lives with me had to work today. The youngest hasn’t come home for the summer from college yet.  I have spent the day doing chores in my house but not as much as I should have. Most of the day has been spent paying bills and watching Shanarrah Chronicles. I started drinking margarita’s a drink ago. It would have been nice to not be alone today. Tomorrow is a quiet day but then Tuesday through Thursday, I go non-stop. I get up, go to work, and eat all day. After work, I either have my karate class or my atheist meeting. By Friday, I am usually exhausted so if I have no plans that night, I am actually usually relieved but going out for an hour or two after work is not a terrible thing. Saturday is my errand day if I stay in town. I also take an hour or two to sit at Starbucks with a coffee, a book, and my pup (outside patio). I really enjoy my Saturdays. Sometimes, I go on a hike or something like that instead.

I think I am just needing to accept being alone.It is so much easier and there are so many frogs out there. I haven’t found anyone worth my time in almost a year and he ghosted me after four weeks of telling me how much he liked me. I am not sure it is worth the risk and pain anymore. I can take care of myself. Financially is a struggle but it is getting better.  I refuse to let loneliness take over my life so I will stay busy and active. If someone decent enters my life, I hope I can accept him in.

I have come to the conclusion that I am too damn busy to date. In the past few weeks, I have had a total of three days with nothing on my calendar. Even if I had found someone that I am interested in, it would be difficult to find the time that would be fair to him or me. On the other hand, there is the part of me that knows if I found someone I was interested in, I would probably find the time.

I work from 8-5 every day and walk about 25,000 steps so I don’t tend to want to go out late on weekdays. If I go out on a weekday, I want it to be an early night. If I go out on a date, it won’t be a long one. It is good for an out with a first date but if things were to progress…….. well, maybe not so much if I want real time with the guy.  My schedule is nuts. Tuesdays and Thursdays I am in karate again. Three Wednesdays a month I have standing plans. Two of them are game night until 8 at the local winery and the other one is my Skeptic and Atheist Meeting. That leaves four nights and two days. I need time to do housework, time to chill, time for blogging, etc.  In the past few weeks I have ushered at the college concert hall twice, I have had dinner with a couple  of friends, The #Metoo march, movie with  my kid and R and his kid, and I am volunteering at the local film festival for the next few days. The next month doesn’t look as busy right now but my life is very busy and full.  I wonder if I can find the time if I find a real man that has possibility?

I wonder how others handle this. I love my alone time. I love my independence. I love being able to binge on a show with no guilt. I love being able to go in the kitchen and cook what I want when I want. I hate to be alone forever due to the fact that I have a life.

I feel that I have hardly stopped since Snowdown. Last week was a recovery week and I was so tired and last weekend was catch up  at home. I have had a lot going on and have hardly had any down time at home. I hate when I have blog posts running through my head all day and I can’t get them down. I am going to try and get to some of the ones I have thought of the past couple of weeks. My big one was Valentine’s Day. It has never been my favorite “holiday” but I still always would have liked acknowledgement. Before marriage, it seemed I was always single on Valentine’s Day. Too often, a boy/man would break up with me just prior. During my marriage, I learned that the ex was not romantic at all. I would have been happy with a nice dinner, a flower or bouquet, anything even remotely romantic. He didn’t give flowers often because HIS MOM didn’t like getting flowers. I LOVE getting flowers and he knew this.  Occasionally, I would get a card or something but I learned to not expect us to do anything romantic for anything. I would suggest weekends away, even to somewhat local places so we could save money. I would suggest things all the time and he poo-pooed them all the time. The last few years of the marriage, it, of course, got worse. Six years before the divorce, our middle child was given a dozen roses at school by a boy that liked her. They were not dating. They were beautiful and I was so happy for her. We put them  in a vase and had them prominently on display. A few hours later, the ex came in, threw a single rose on the table and said, “here is your VD flower.” Wow. I just wanted to cry and shove it up his ass.

He filed for divorce on January 14th and here in Colorado, your first court date is one month later. Yep, I went to divorce court for a divorce I didn’t want on VALENTINE’S DAY. I still cannot believe they do that. There are some days that divorce court should not happen. I was a mess. I had a severe anxiety attack. The people in the courthouse sent me to Adult Protective Services downstairs to make sure I was okay. It was terrible.

Since then, I have tried to not let that day completely ruin Valentine’s for me. I could find a romantic man that enjoys doing things for his gal. My first one single was great. A guy I was dating and I went skiing and he reserved a table for us at the restaurant at the top of the mountain. I had no idea. He knew that I was having a hard time and he was so sweet. He and I were not ready for a relationship at the time. We were both the first dates after 20+ year marriages. We were good for each other and he helped me a lot. I hope I helped him. The following two years I was dating ex/bf bff and R. Exbff and  I went on a cruise right afterwards and R and I had a great date. They both gavve me flowers. Last year I was single but still received flowers from someone that was interested. I don’t know why but this year hit me hard. I was single and feeling very alone. Maybe because there have been no prospects since ice cream man. I have no idea. For the most part, I have been doing well but the days leading up to and on Valentine’s Day last week, I was getting grouchier and moodier. I cried a lot and just wanted someone to hold me. I had someone tell me to just ignore it but when yo are walking up and down main street with every window having ads for Valentines, every radio station, TV station ad is about love, it is hard to ignore. The person that told me this is basically a hermit.  I was so ready for the day to be over. I got off work and went to my car and see R drive up. He gets out of his car and tells me that he failed. He was holding a bouquet of flowers that he was going to put on my car anonymously.  He told me that he knew it was a hard day for me. I just wanted to cry. The man says there is something missing in our relationship and that is why we aren’t dating but it is obvious that he really cares for me. Why won’t he accept my heart? I would give it willingly. Oh well, he made my day better and I do know that he loves me, just not enough.

I have been a bit lonely at times lately and definitely craving some physical touch. R and I still talk a lot. He is still talking to the gal in Moscow so we have not done anything besides friend things. We have had coffee a few times. We have been to the dog park. I worked for him one day when he needed help and I was able to use the money so that was a win win for both of us. Recently, we were talking about a movie and I asked him if he was available for some innocent snuggling.  He said yes and invited me over to snuggle on his couch and watch that movie. I was prepared to possibly spend the night and totally behave.  He is a good snuggler and  we both are missing physical touch. He has no commitment at this time so no reason he can’t fool around but I was planning on not doing anything.

Things were real good and nice for a while but eventually, he and I were fooling around a bit. It was so difficult to not let it go farther. He told me that he didn’t have to behave but he felt like he shouldn’t do anything until he gave her a chance. I know that if I had pushed at all, things would have progressed and I would have enjoyed having a wonderful night with  him, instead, I stopped things from going farther. I flat out told him that I would stay if he wanted me to and do nothing but snuggle, have sex, or leave but it was his choice. At this point, leaving was NOT what I wanted to do but I finally told him that I was leaving unless he stopped me. I kissed him goodbye and went out the door. I got to my car and realized I needed to go back for my phone and glasses. Damn….I had to do it all again but I did it. I can have him be a FWB like he was for a while but not under these circumstances. It was not easy to drive away from his house. I told him later that I couldn’t believe he actually let me leave. He said he couldn’t believe it either. I told him that she better not hurt him. I sure wish that he and I could have had a nice innocent night. I did enjoy what happened but I left completely sexually frustrated AND still wanting to have a night of snuggling.

I texted my eldest and told her what happened and she told me how strong I was for leaving. I had to think about it for a minute and then told her why I was able to do so. I did not want him to regret having sex with me and I have too much respect for myself now. I want him to have sex with me again because he wants to not just because we are both horny. I am proud of myself for walking out and the relevation of why was very good for me. I don’t know if R and I will ever be together physically again but obviously, the physical connection is still there. We  care about each other. It is a shame that he couldn’t love me. We could have been good together but I accepted we would be no more than friends a long time ago. It has been two years since we dated. I hope he can find love. I hope I can find love.