I feel that I have hardly stopped since Snowdown. Last week was a recovery week and I was so tired and last weekend was catch up  at home. I have had a lot going on and have hardly had any down time at home. I hate when I have blog posts running through my head all day and I can’t get them down. I am going to try and get to some of the ones I have thought of the past couple of weeks. My big one was Valentine’s Day. It has never been my favorite “holiday” but I still always would have liked acknowledgement. Before marriage, it seemed I was always single on Valentine’s Day. Too often, a boy/man would break up with me just prior. During my marriage, I learned that the ex was not romantic at all. I would have been happy with a nice dinner, a flower or bouquet, anything even remotely romantic. He didn’t give flowers often because HIS MOM didn’t like getting flowers. I LOVE getting flowers and he knew this.  Occasionally, I would get a card or something but I learned to not expect us to do anything romantic for anything. I would suggest weekends away, even to somewhat local places so we could save money. I would suggest things all the time and he poo-pooed them all the time. The last few years of the marriage, it, of course, got worse. Six years before the divorce, our middle child was given a dozen roses at school by a boy that liked her. They were not dating. They were beautiful and I was so happy for her. We put them  in a vase and had them prominently on display. A few hours later, the ex came in, threw a single rose on the table and said, “here is your VD flower.” Wow. I just wanted to cry and shove it up his ass.

He filed for divorce on January 14th and here in Colorado, your first court date is one month later. Yep, I went to divorce court for a divorce I didn’t want on VALENTINE’S DAY. I still cannot believe they do that. There are some days that divorce court should not happen. I was a mess. I had a severe anxiety attack. The people in the courthouse sent me to Adult Protective Services downstairs to make sure I was okay. It was terrible.

Since then, I have tried to not let that day completely ruin Valentine’s for me. I could find a romantic man that enjoys doing things for his gal. My first one single was great. A guy I was dating and I went skiing and he reserved a table for us at the restaurant at the top of the mountain. I had no idea. He knew that I was having a hard time and he was so sweet. He and I were not ready for a relationship at the time. We were both the first dates after 20+ year marriages. We were good for each other and he helped me a lot. I hope I helped him. The following two years I was dating ex/bf bff and R. Exbff and  I went on a cruise right afterwards and R and I had a great date. They both gavve me flowers. Last year I was single but still received flowers from someone that was interested. I don’t know why but this year hit me hard. I was single and feeling very alone. Maybe because there have been no prospects since ice cream man. I have no idea. For the most part, I have been doing well but the days leading up to and on Valentine’s Day last week, I was getting grouchier and moodier. I cried a lot and just wanted someone to hold me. I had someone tell me to just ignore it but when yo are walking up and down main street with every window having ads for Valentines, every radio station, TV station ad is about love, it is hard to ignore. The person that told me this is basically a hermit.  I was so ready for the day to be over. I got off work and went to my car and see R drive up. He gets out of his car and tells me that he failed. He was holding a bouquet of flowers that he was going to put on my car anonymously.  He told me that he knew it was a hard day for me. I just wanted to cry. The man says there is something missing in our relationship and that is why we aren’t dating but it is obvious that he really cares for me. Why won’t he accept my heart? I would give it willingly. Oh well, he made my day better and I do know that he loves me, just not enough.

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I have been a bit lonely at times lately and definitely craving some physical touch. R and I still talk a lot. He is still talking to the gal in Moscow so we have not done anything besides friend things. We have had coffee a few times. We have been to the dog park. I worked for him one day when he needed help and I was able to use the money so that was a win win for both of us. Recently, we were talking about a movie and I asked him if he was available for some innocent snuggling.  He said yes and invited me over to snuggle on his couch and watch that movie. I was prepared to possibly spend the night and totally behave.  He is a good snuggler and  we both are missing physical touch. He has no commitment at this time so no reason he can’t fool around but I was planning on not doing anything.

Things were real good and nice for a while but eventually, he and I were fooling around a bit. It was so difficult to not let it go farther. He told me that he didn’t have to behave but he felt like he shouldn’t do anything until he gave her a chance. I know that if I had pushed at all, things would have progressed and I would have enjoyed having a wonderful night with  him, instead, I stopped things from going farther. I flat out told him that I would stay if he wanted me to and do nothing but snuggle, have sex, or leave but it was his choice. At this point, leaving was NOT what I wanted to do but I finally told him that I was leaving unless he stopped me. I kissed him goodbye and went out the door. I got to my car and realized I needed to go back for my phone and glasses. Damn….I had to do it all again but I did it. I can have him be a FWB like he was for a while but not under these circumstances. It was not easy to drive away from his house. I told him later that I couldn’t believe he actually let me leave. He said he couldn’t believe it either. I told him that she better not hurt him. I sure wish that he and I could have had a nice innocent night. I did enjoy what happened but I left completely sexually frustrated AND still wanting to have a night of snuggling.

I texted my eldest and told her what happened and she told me how strong I was for leaving. I had to think about it for a minute and then told her why I was able to do so. I did not want him to regret having sex with me and I have too much respect for myself now. I want him to have sex with me again because he wants to not just because we are both horny. I am proud of myself for walking out and the relevation of why was very good for me. I don’t know if R and I will ever be together physically again but obviously, the physical connection is still there. We  care about each other. It is a shame that he couldn’t love me. We could have been good together but I accepted we would be no more than friends a long time ago. It has been two years since we dated. I hope he can find love. I hope I can find love.

I’ll never forget April 20th, 1999.

Source: Thoughts on Vegas, and Why Men Keep Doing This – Be Yourself

This is a real good read on what is going on with men in our society. I highly recommend The Mankind Project to help our men.

Here I am sitting in my den with my dogs, alone, on a holiday. The kids are at work. There are events going on, of course, but I really didn’t feel like going to these alone.  This is such a family day. My friends are with their families and I have my dogs. I guess this is a good day to get some  things done around the house and get some blogs written.

It is funny how most of the time I am not lonely anymore. I am truly content being alone most of the time.  can do what I want, when i want. Read, watch TV, take a walk, ride my motorcycle. Eat dessert for breakfast. cook if I choose, I really do enjoy the freedom BUT there are times that it is super lonely and things that I really miss. I miss family meals. For twenty-three years, we had a sit down meal almost every night. We would laugh, talk, share our day, dreams, etc. I miss that so much that it sometimes hurts. Now I get that rarely. I eat by myself most of the time. I am most  lonely when my emotions are high. When I am super sad or excited about something, I miss having a partner to share things with. I miss having someone to run things by before a decision is made. I do not miss them telling me what I can do but advice and a helpful ear is definitely missed. I miss having someone to share fun and bad times with. I miss having someone that is my best friend in all ways. Good thing that my pup listens well. 😉

Today I am lonely. I wish I had someone to BBQ with, to drink a beer or two with. To snuggle with and watch fireworks. Instead, I am home….alone….. and will be until I go to bed. I tried to stay up and positive today but as the day goes on, it is getting worse. Oh well, this is now my life. I need to get used to it.

The holidays are such a difficult time for so  many people for various reasons. One of the hardest things during the holidays is being single and alone. We are constantly reminded of coupledom: Jewelry commercials, movies, songs, etc.  Except for my first Christmas after my divorce, this was my first one being single since 1988. I still had my annual party. I was the only one, besides the kids, that was single.  I made it through it even with my ex-bf bringing his new girlfriend. Fortunately, and unfortunately, I really like her. It makes it easier to be happy for him but also less easy for me to secretly hope they don’t work out and he decides that I am perfect for him after all. I really do not want him back but there are moments that I do, especially when I am lonely and that has definitively occurred this season. I was speaking to R today and he was talking about his loneliness this season. We decided that, even though we don’t belong together, that we will be there for each other during lonely times until one of us finds someone else.

I have actually done pretty well this season but do admit that I am not thrilled to see Valentine’s Day stuff already out. I am sure I will blog about that at some time. I haven’t had a boyfriend since R last March. I almost had one with P in October but that was disastrous. I am proud of myself this year though. I have only cried a couple of times and actually enjoyed myself a lot. I do wish I had someone to ring in the new year with but that is not going to happen and I am mostly good with that. I know that this probably will not last forever but then I look at my mother. She is almost 76 and has been single for over 20 years. As far as I know, she hasn’t had a date or sex since her divorce. I do not want to be that way.  I have decided this month that I am no longer actively looking. I am just going to live my life and see what happens but I do hope that this was my last lonely holiday season. I do not like being alone during this time.

 

This is a question that so many people deal with after a divorce or break up. Everyone is different but I have read in many books that three years is ideal. It gives a person time to heal and figure out what they want in a relationship.  Some people start dating right away while some stay away from dating for a long time. In my opinion, people that begin dating immediately tend to be the kind of person that cannot be alone. I know several people like this. They bounce from relationship to relationship. When one ends, they tend to find the next one quickly. I wonder if these people can ever learn to be happy alone.

I do understand how people do this though. When I got my divorce, I was scared to be alone. I was lonely. I had so many emotions that I could have stashed away  and started a new relationship. I didn’t want to do this though. I had already started a journey of self-improvement. I knew that I had to figure me out and be independent before I could give myself to someone else again. I also did not want my divorce. I was heart broken. I did not feel lovable or beautiful or desirable. I didn’t know if I could ever love again or trust again. The thought of being with someone other than my husband after 23 years was terrifying. I had had three kids. I wasn’t in the shape I was 23 years prior. I am older as we all are.

I realized I was ready to date again after  a few months when I met a man that I couldn’t quit thinking about. He treated me real well and taught me that I could be interested again. We dated for a few months but were never serious. We were good for each other. He was going through his divorce at the time so we knew it was too soon for both of us. I did get a bit attached to him and that scared me (and him). He disappeared from my life for a few months and now we are friends again.

I went out with a few people before I actually met  my ex-bf. It was almost a year after my divorce was final when I met him. Looking back, it was probably still too early. I did fall madly in love with him BUT I was still holding onto so much anger towards my ex. He later told me how much the ex was in our lives really bothered him. I hadn’t realized until that day how much the ex still infiltrated my life. That is not the reason B and I broke up but I am sure it was a contributing factor. I also stated early in our relationship that it wouldn’t last. Was that me being negative because I didn’t know how to trust or was it me being wise to signs that I saw early  in the relationship. I definitely think i was a bit of both. I knew pretty early that I was not what he wanted long term, though he professed his love first. He spoiled me and taught me how to accept love and to give love again.

It has now been three years since my divorce and only a few months since B and I finally really broke up. It took us 16 months too do so. I look at myself after all this time and I think I am finally ready for a real relationship. I am not in a hurry for something to happen but I am not so scared anymore. I know I will not sacrifice myself for a relationship again. I won’t give myself up nor try to change anyone else. I know more and more what I want in a man and where I am willing to compromise. I am willing to be alone forever if I do not find  a compatible man. I hope that doesn’t happen. I would prefer companionship but I no longer NEED it. I think we all need to reach this stage before we get serious with someone after a heartbreak.

Three years may be what the experts recommend but I do think that may be too long for some and definitely not enough for others. I know I do not want to date a man going through his divorce or immediately after. I have recently met two men, probably very nice men, that are obviously dating too soon. One, I suspect, is going to jump into a marriage as soon as he finds a woman agreeable and the other even admitted that he still loves his ex. Not men that I want to date. I am glad I didn’t rush into a marriage or commitment. I am glad I have taken the time to get to know ME. I like ME and if I find a man that I commit to again, he will be lucky to have me and I will be lucky to have him..

Dating, that is? Sometimes I wonder. Tonight, the ex-con and I decided that we need to be just friends. This was after some major flirting and sexual innuendo. He is not ready, which I totally understand AND he doesn’t want just a physical relationship, which I respect. I do admit, I am a bit disappointed. He has such a nice body. So muscular and firm. I was definitely sexually attracted to him. I am not hurt or angry at all though. I knew it would probably go this way, I just figured it would go further first. He really is a nice guy. I wish him the best and hope that we can be friends. He is here for several more months and has no friends here. He did admit that I have been good for him. He needed to know that women might still be interested in him. Well, DUH!! He is hot, intelligent, articulate… Definitely my type.

I was talking to a neighbor today and he was asking me about R and why I was still looking. I didn’t know what to say. R has told me that something is missing. He is still so emotionally connected to his ex. He has a young child. I love that kiddo BUT do I really want that again. I am not sure that R and I could ever be in love. We keep ending up hanging out. I love him but I am not IN Love with him. He is a workaholic. I don’t know if I could do that.

Other men that I have dated or liked since the divorce have had good and bad things about them. It would be so nice to be able to make a man out of the best features of these men. Some have been extremely gentle and kind. Others very sexual but also very much wanting to please the woman. Others have been very generous. Some have been very attentive.  Is there a man out there that I can be happy with, even for a year or two? I am starting to doubt it. I am starting to wonder if dating is just a pain in the ass and a way to get hurt or hurt others- unintentially, of course. Tonight, I am lonely and wanting to be held so that is why I continue too look. I want someone to be able to talk to about concerns in my life and stresses. I want some to share the exciting things with too. I don’t want to be alone forever so i guess it is worth it and all the tears in the mean time.