I’ll never forget April 20th, 1999.

Source: Thoughts on Vegas, and Why Men Keep Doing This – Be Yourself

This is a real good read on what is going on with men in our society. I highly recommend The Mankind Project to help our men.

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I have been spending a bit of time with ex-bf/bff  lately. It has been so nice to have time with him alone. I have missed talking to him so much. I have mentioned that he and his girlfriend broke up the beginning of July and he also lost his dog the same week. I was worried about him for a bit but he seems to be doing well now. He has been going to some personal growth retreats and he is really working on getting over his baggage. I sure hope that someday he can truly find happiness with himself so he can find it with somebody else. I will always love him but, unfortunately, I cannot go back to him, even if he asked. We did fool around on my birthday. It was nice to be back in his arms and kiss him again. It would  have been easy to open my heart back to him but I refuse to. As I have said before, I believe that love is a choice. I won’t give my heart back to him at this point and I have told him that. I choose not to love him like that again unless he is ready to let me in. Even then, it would not be a given. I would have to really think about it. He would have to earn me back.  I love how honest we are with each other. I love that I can tell him these things and he tells me that he still worries about hurting me when he is with someone else.

Last weekend, we went on a hike to a natural hot springs. Yes, we soaked naked. It was so nice sitting next in the hot springs with the cold river flowing by.  We have talked so much about our growth since we split up. I know the things he has done and he asked me what I have done. He also thinks that some of what I say is just words because I still occasionally say that I want a man. I have explained to him that those times are actually few anymore. I like my space. I love my freedom. So many times, I hear couples on the street and think to myself how glad I am not to be in a relationship. Even as few as a few months ago, I would sometimes get sad when I saw a couple holding hands walking down the street. Now, I really feel nothing. Not anger and pity, like I felt right after my divorce. I was such a cynic and was sure that they were all making a mistake in trusting and loving. I also, not longer feel sad because I am alone. I feel happy for them and hope it lasts. I do sometimes wonder if I will ever find that BUT it is truly not a concern anymore.

So, what have I done to grow? I have been thinking about that since he asked. One is that I spend so much time alone that I can think. Most of my workday, I spend thinking about my life and reflecting. I also blog here. This is so good for me. Not only is it journaling but I get feedback and see my feelings are normal and others feel the same way. I read LOTS of books and blogs. I am exercising not just at work but weight lifting again. I have loved that since I was a teen and haven’t done for years. I love how it makes me feel mentally and physically.  I am also spending more time with friends and reconnecting with people. My birthday helped with that. When you are content with your life and yourself, a partner becomes less important.

One of the things that I thought about the other day is WHY am  I so content alone right now? Of course, there is the standard, I can do what I want, when I want, without anyone having any say or worrying about being criticized for my choices and feelings as I did for years. My big AHA moment came the other day though. I had been dwelling on this for days and it just popped into my head. For the first time in my life, I am taking care of ME only. I am 50 years old and don’t need to take care of anyone but me and my puppies. Of course, I am still here for my kids but I am my priority for the first time. It is such a free feeling. I can go hike with my ex-bf, get naked and sit in a hot spring. I can go have beer with a friend. I can sit on my couch naked and blog. I can go to bed at 7 or at midnight. I can have ice cream for breakfast or dinner, if I choose. I am fifty years old and feel better physically and mentally than I did at 35. I am healthier. I am fit. I am sexy. I am beautiful and strong. I am independent. I am not lonely at all. I plan to continue growing and getting better with age. We all should.

The year of the divorce (2013) was the second year that Denver had a Comic Con. We had known about it the year before as a friend  of mine had had her photo taken with James Marsters and I was quite jealous but I really never thought that Con was a place for me. I knew it was something my kids  would enjoy and in 2014, when it was announced that Stan Lee was going to be there, I knew I would never be forgiven if I didn’t bring them. I had no desire to attend. I was going through the divorce. I really wanted to hide from the world but bought tickets. We drove over 300 miles to my mom’s in Denver and went to the convention center the next morning. I was sure that I was going to be bored senseless. I brought a book and money for wine. Little did I know that I would love my weekend. I hardly saw my kids and didn’t read at all. I ended up people watching the entire time. I even had a gentleman buy me a glass of wine and we spent a few hours talking. I sure needed that.

This weekend just ended out fifth Con. One child was unable to attend but the three of us that did go had a great time. We have become avid cosplayers and we all have our different things that we like to do at Con. My youngest loves to go to gaming and cosplay panels and hang with friends. I love going to celebrity panels and meeting the various celebrities. My oldest does the same as I do, for the  most part but spends a LOT more money on autographs and photos. I love getting to know that a celebrity that I like is a good person. Occasionally, we find out the opposite. My middle kiddo likes to people watch and meet people. She rarely meets celebrities or even goes to panels.

I am not a person that normally likes crowds but it is so different when you are in a crowd of nerds. It is funny how polite everyone is. Everyone is just enthralled with others creativity. We talk to so many strangers. I love seeing all the different fandoms and have developed a lot of new ones due to Con.When you bump into someone at Con, both of you apologize profusely. You do not hear about fights. You are much more likely to get a random hug than a scowl. Due to Con, I have embraced my nerdiness. I plan on sharing some of my Con experiences here, too. I definitely have some new loves after this year. None that are relationship bound but actors that I will follow after finding out what amazing humans they are. I will share in a later post.

With my job, people always assume that I get yelled at all the time but I actually got yelled at more often sitting at the front desk of a doctor’s office. Today, I met my worst citizen so far on the streets. Most people are not happy when they get a ticket but also know that they deserve them. Most people will ask us to give them a break very nicely and some will actually come up, hold out their hand and actually say that they deserve it.  This guy today was awful. I wrote him a parking ticket for an expired registration. He came up as I was putting it on his car and asked what I was doing. I told him that I had just written him a ticket and what for. He immediately grabbed it out of my hand, threw it in his car and screamed that I wasn’t a Effin cop and I had no right to do that. We do it daily, per city council. He proceeded to drop the F-bomb to me over and over. If someone comes up and is nice, we will call in and ask if we can make it a warning. I was not about to do that since he was so hostile so I told him to have a nice day and continued on. A gentleman on the street was watching and listening. I could tell that he was horrified at what was happening. The guy continued to yell profanities at me until he couldn’t see me anymore. If I had ever felt threatened, I could have called the police for assistance. I called my supervisor and told her about him so she wouldn’t dismiss the ticket when he came in. It turned out that we booted his car a couple of months ago for several unpaid tickets for the same thing. We did have to call the police on him then. His file is not good with our department. I ran into the observing man a block later getting into his car and he asked if that was normal and how out of line the other guy was. It was nice to have someone tell me that but the jerk did not really bother me. I almost laughed at him as he was being so obnoxious. I also thought about telling him no thanks, you are not my type. Now, I look forward to giving him more tickets. He definitely did NOT intimidate me.

The photographer is a man that might find a place in my blog in the future. Who knows what the future holds but I met him at work, too. He had bought a parking pass but a mistake had been made and he was given the incorrect pass. Due to the mistake, he kept getting tickets. He would bring it in and it would get dismissed. He got several before it was discovered that he was given the wrong pass. Most people would have been angry at our department but he just laughed it off. When the mistake was realized, I was asked to go meet him and exchange the passes. He was so delightful. I apologized for the error and thanked him for his understanding. Since then, I have spoken to him occasionally. I stopped in to see him today as I was watching a car  in a loading zone. We have to watch for ten minutes to make sure there is no activity. I had the ticket all ready to print and I just had to wait my ten minutes. It was cold and it was right outside his store. I stepped in and told him what I was doing and how I was going to use his heat while I watched. We talked a bit and he proceeded to tell me that I am the ray of sunshine in his day every time he sees me. This affected my day more than the jerk did.

People like him and the observer are part of the reason that I love my job so much. The jerks are few and far between. Most people are awesome. Maybe it is where I live. Maybe it is because I smile and am nice to everyone. I don’t know why but it really doesn’t matter.