Last weekend, I went on a short ice cream date when I went to visit my son. My son was at an event so I figured I would do something. The guy talked about how much he hated various things and ended up making a very racist remark to me and then told me how he is not racist. I left that “date” once again wondering why I even bother anymore. I love my life. Most of the time I am not lonely. Do I really want to bring someone into my life that is going to take my time away from the things that are important to me? From what I have seen since I started dating it most men want to change us into who they want us to be. I am not “good enough” for them for whatever reason OR they are not right for me. I keep meeting men that are religious (even though I am very clear that I won’t date a religious man), crude,  or needy. Is it so much to ask to find a man that is non-religious. We are now a large part of the community. Is it so much to ask to find a man that can speak in proper English (most of the time), reads books, listens to music, is athletic and takes care of himself and cares for humanity? He doesn’t have to match me 100% but there are some things that are very important to me. I want him to have teeth. I want him to be well kept. I don’t want to be with a fat man that does not take care of himself. I walk almost ten miles a day for work. I also do karate 2 times a week. I hike on weekends. I kayak, I love football. I do drink but can have fun without it. I ski. I don’t want a partner that wants to sit on his ass and watch TV all the time, though I do love to watch television and movies. I read a lot. I would love to have someone to share books and discuss books with. I am very liberal so a Trump supporter does not fit in my life but many of them ask me out because I am cute. I am fifty years old but don’t look it. I am about 120 pounds trying to gain muscle mass but I want more than a physical relationship. I want to be physically attracted to my partner. It would be great to find someone to go to Comic Con with, as well as brew fests, film festivals, and wine festivals. I have gotten so I am comfortable going by myself. Is that a good or bad thing. I am finding that the longer that I am single and alone, the less tolerant I am of partner issues. Last weekend, my mom and daughter also came to visit my son. We had four of us trying to decide where to eat. I am so used to making decisions without anyone’s input anymore. I was really having a hard time with the indecision. Finally I just said that I didn’t care where I went. I would have a beer at one place and a margarita at the other. That was when my mom finally put in an opinion. For breakfast the next day, I just made a decision. Will I ever be able to let someone completely into my life again? One of my concerns with men I meet are ones that have never been in a long relationship because I am afraid that they will not be able to handle the changes of one. Am I becoming that person? Am I doomed to be my mother and single the rest of my life? I love who I am and how I am growing in independence daily but it scares me, also. There are days or moments that I am lonely sometimes lonely as hell. Days that I just want someone to love me. Today is one of them. Here is it Mother’s Day and I am all alone. I have three great kids but they are grown. I am no longer the focus of their lives, as it should be. The oldest had the morning with her boyfriend and is at home 300 miles away right now. The middle one that lives with me had to work today. The youngest hasn’t come home for the summer from college yet.  I have spent the day doing chores in my house but not as much as I should have. Most of the day has been spent paying bills and watching Shanarrah Chronicles. I started drinking margarita’s a drink ago. It would have been nice to not be alone today. Tomorrow is a quiet day but then Tuesday through Thursday, I go non-stop. I get up, go to work, and eat all day. After work, I either have my karate class or my atheist meeting. By Friday, I am usually exhausted so if I have no plans that night, I am actually usually relieved but going out for an hour or two after work is not a terrible thing. Saturday is my errand day if I stay in town. I also take an hour or two to sit at Starbucks with a coffee, a book, and my pup (outside patio). I really enjoy my Saturdays. Sometimes, I go on a hike or something like that instead.

I think I am just needing to accept being alone.It is so much easier and there are so many frogs out there. I haven’t found anyone worth my time in almost a year and he ghosted me after four weeks of telling me how much he liked me. I am not sure it is worth the risk and pain anymore. I can take care of myself. Financially is a struggle but it is getting better.  I refuse to let loneliness take over my life so I will stay busy and active. If someone decent enters my life, I hope I can accept him in.

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Awaken the Giant Within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Destiny!Awaken the Giant Within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Destiny! by Anthony Robbins

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I was recommended this book to me several years ago by a friend. He was the most positive person I had ever met and I asked him how he was that way. He was going through a divorce and things in his life were quite difficult but he was always happy. He told me that this book transformed his attitude about life.
It has taken me a while to actually sit down and read this book but this was definitely the right time. For many years, I was a wife and mother and all my goals and dreams involved my husband and kid. Five years ago, that all ended and my youngest graduated from high school a couple of years later. I am finally ready to focus on me and my goals again. I don’t think I realized that until I read this book. I have been thinking about goals and dreams now and am making plans. I have broken a lifelong habit of picking my skin. Tomorrow is two weeks since I picked and I actually have not had a hard time in days. I am no longer a picker. I have tried to quit all my life. Quitting smoking was easy compared to this. Suddenly, after reading this book, it has been easy to quit.
I highly recommend this book to anyone that is wanting to make positive changes in their life. I will continue to work on the assignments in the book and continue to grow and follow my new dreams and goals.

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Before I was married, my mother used to host a party on Christmas Eve. She didn’t do it very long but I enjoyed it and when I got married, I continued the tradition. When the kids got to school age, we changed the date so it was a Saturday before Christmas. For many years, it has been the highlight of the holiday. I have baked for a month prior to the party. Cookies and breads galore.  A few main dishes, side dishes, chocolate fountain. For many years, we had a pool table (the ex got rid of it two months before he filed for divorce- I gave in to make him happy) We have  dart board, air hockey table. When the kids were younger, we let them have one friend spend the night every year. One young man has only missed a couple of these parties since he was about five. He is twenty now. We have had as few as ten people come and as many as sixty come and go. We have had clear skies and almost blizzards but it has happened every year. Every so often, during my bad years, I would threaten to cancel the party due to stress but was always glad that I didn’t. The event was always one of my favorite nights of the year. After the divorce, I almost stopped but the kids still really wanted it to happen. Some of the best ones have been the past few years. We pulled out the karaoke machine, board games, and just enjoyed the time BUT it has been more and more difficult for all the kids to be here. The middle one has been late or missed due to work for years. She won’t be able to be here at all tomorrow. My son has to work  and miss the first few hours. The eldest is driving down tomorrow and has no idea when she will be here. I have been working so much as have the kids so hardly anything is ready for tomorrow night.

I made a decision today. This is the last one. I basically cancelled it today. I told a few people to still come. Tomorrow I will clean house and make cookies. We only have a few old time guests coming, including that young man. Next year, my kids and I will not be hosting this party. Our lives are so different now. They have jobs, boyfriends or girlfriends. I am trying to date. I love our party but no longer want to make this a have to event every year. We may choose to do something smaller from time to time but no longer will we have a date set in stone for a year. No longer will  I spend a ton of money and time on this party. The kids will be free to go hang with friends during the holiday time when they are in town and their friends are home, too.I will have the freedom to go with a boyfriend (if I have one) to other events.

It has been a good long run. I have hosted this party 25 times in 27 years. There are many things that I will miss but it sometimes is good to change traditions. I wonder how I will feel next December when I do not have a party to plan and prepare for. Only time will tell but I imagine that I will be more free with money and time and that will be good.