So my last post I mentioned a fun date that I had with the Canadian. We were supposed to go out the next night. He was going to take me out to dinner. I didn’t hear from him all day on Monday, the date day, so at four I texted him and asked if we were still on. I got off work at six and have a forty minute drive home. Six came and went so I got in my car to drive home. I refuse to beg anyone for attention again. I didn’t text or call him. At 6:35, he texted me that the had been at the doctor and had strep and a bad ear infection and that he would love to take me out later in the week. Well, guess what? Today is Saturday and I had heard nothing. I debated between texting him or ignoring him. The smart ass in me decided to text him this morning. I told him that I hoped he felt better and since I hadn’t heard from him all week he was either dead or had decided that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I know, that was terrible but I had to say something. I wasn’t mad or even that disappointed. I truly feel that I am fine and if someone doesn’t want to make the effort, I do not want them in my life. Of course, he texted back and said that he has been down all week (which can happen) and that he does want to talk to and see me again.

I don’t know how I feel now. The part of me that doesn’t trust, wants to tell him to get lost because he is probably lying and just didn’t want to make me a priority. Then there is the part of me that wants to trust and hates to think I could throw away a good guy because he was sick.

I hate dating…….

I was in seventh grade when I first had a man show me that promises about love aren’t always kept. I was devastated to find out that my parents had been having problems, including him moving out for most of sixth grade, due to another woman. My sister was the one that had told me all this after she saw my dad with the other woman when she was with some of her friends. Understandably, she was very angry at our dad. She told me because she was so angry with him and, I think, wanted me to be too. If I remember correctly, she was angry at our mom for giving our dad another chance. I was hoping they would work things out. I couldn’t believe that my dad would do that to my mother.

As time went on, I have had a few men cheat on me and friends cheat on their partners or be cheated on by their partners. Unfortunately, it is so difficult to trust when you see so many that are not trustworthy. I want to love and trust someday again.

I did eventually find someone that I loved and trusted and I married him. Eventually, I quit trusting him as all the signs of him cheating were there by the time we split. I am not 100% sure he cheated but would be surprised to find out that he didn’t.

How do you learn to trust relationships? I do not want to be one of those women that suspects cheating at every turn but I also don’t want to be so stupidly naive again. I hope to meet someone at some time that I can love and trust. I just need to learn how to trust.

Sometimes, we get mixed up in a situation due to no fault of our own. A year ago, someone near and dear to me (the lonely gal) got involved with a married man, who was a good friend. (I thought) I had been friends with him since my divorce. I even dated one of his best friends. He and I had shared a lot of personal information over the years I had known him. He made me laugh. He was fun to party with. He was a huge part of my social circle. Now, she is a younger gal. She had never been with anyone before. She was not living here but was living a couple hours away in a  tiny town that she was having a difficult time meeting men to date. She had made a few friends but for the most part was very isolated.  He was temporarily living past her and was driving home on weekends to see his wife and kids. He occasionally would pick her up and they would carpool to town. I had introduced them and wasn’t concerned about anything happening between them. She was innocent, knew he was married, a virgin, and not the type to break rules. He had been telling me for a couple of years how much he loved his wife and how he would never ever cheat on her. I had been to their house a couple of times and liked her. He was a flirt but a lot of people are. I flirt with just about anyone but most of the time, it is nothing. Flirting is fun. I knew that she had a bit of a crush on him but understood that but wasn’t concerned.

It all started at my holiday party. Sometimes people will stay over night so they don’t drive unsafely or if the weather is bad. In the morning, they were holding hands and hugging a lot. I talked to her about what was going on and encouraged her to not go forward. In the months that followed, I told him multiple times to NOT do what he was heading towards and not to hurt her. Eventually, it became a full fledged affair and not only was I disappointed in both of them I was stuck in the middle. Of course, the truth eventually came out and he didn’t leave his wife and my young friend was heart broken. We also found out he had been sleeping with a couple of other gals I know, one I had been friends with for years. He had turned out to be a real winner. This all damaged to many relationships. I lost him as a friend. Almost lost the other gal he was sleeping with. She and I have been able to work things out. The young one was used, her loneliness was taken advantage of. Yes, she made poor choice but was really hurt and damaged by this man that I thought was my friend.  He was her first of many things. She and I are fine now but she doesn’t have to run into him or his wife.

I ran into him yesterday when I was at work. It was so awkward. I just want to scream at him. I want to scream at him for hurting multiple friends, for hurting his wife, for hurting me. I so miss my friend but I cannot forgive him or let him back into my life. Unfortunately, we do run in some similar circles  and have mutual friends that do not know what happened. It makes it difficult in our little town and I am sure there will be times that we have to be together. If he had just chosen to stay faithful until he figured things out it would be all different between us all. I don’t think any of those involved realized how their actions would affect everyone else. It was such a mess and actually almost cost me my friendship with ex-bf, too. There is a tiny part of me that would love to let him back in my life at a party buddy but I know I cannot do that for many reasons. I am still so angry at him. When I see him, there is the part of me that wants to scream at him but then there is the part of me that wants to hug him and ask him how he is doing after all this. I am such a damn softy that I want to forgive him and be his friend again but the gals that were involve are way more important to me than he is so there is no way I can. So I will continue just being polite when I see him an ignoring his wife when I see her. Of course, she hates ALL OF US now, even those of us that weren’t involved but knew.

Last month, I blogged about a realization about my ex-bf (A self realization) and I mentioned how I was hoping that this would help me get over him an it has. Once I realized that the biggest connection now was the family thing, it helped. It also helped that I really like his new girlfriend. She and I have texted a few great conversations. She fits him better than I do. Also, in recent conversations I have had with him, I have heard how happy he is. I think this man that has struggled with happiness all of his life may have finally found it. As  I am getting to know her, I see why he has fallen in love with her and I definitely know why she has fallen for him. In our conversation today, she told me that she can see why he cares for me so much. She is not threatened by me at all. I am truly happy for him and realized the other day that I am over him romantically.

When I was super down the other day, the first person I contacted was him. I sent him a text telling him what A had done. I vented to him all morning about being the perpetual nice gal and also how that event triggered my emotions from my divorce.  He knows all about R and the married one.  As I was texting him I realized that I wouldn’t be doing that if I was still romantically interested. I realized that I am over him. I will always love him and the relationship he has had with my kids but I no longer want to be with him as a partner. I saw him the other day at work and had no desire to kiss him. Yes, I hugged him but I am a hugger. I hug people I care about. I appreciate how he helped me grow. I appreciate how he taught me how to love again and how to accept love. I definitely appreciate the fact that he taught me to enjoy sex for the first time in my life.  I want to be his friend. I want to be with him or help him through the death of his dog that is coming relatively soon but I also know the new gal will be there for him. I am happy for both of them and I am over him. Realizing this will help me truly move on. I have been in love with him for over two years. He has been such a positive person in my life and there is absolutely no anger towards him. He only hurt me one time since I have known him and we discussed and got past that almost two years ago. I hope that they can continue their happiness and journey. I hope that he can finally be truly happy. I am so glad that I can truly move on.

I have got to wonder if what has been missing with R and others has been that I was still (unconsciously) holding onto ex-Bf. Maybe I can finally move on. I am still not actively looking again. I am still a bit turned off of relationships and men right now bu this has been a break thru for me. He taught me to love and how to love BUT I am finally ready to let go and let us both move on. It is a great feeling and very liberating.

Well, I am sitting here with my son watching television on New Years Eve. The past two years I was with ex-bf. It is actually strange not seeing him at all today. We did talk and it is so nice to hear him so happy and in love, though I have to admit that I am a little jealous that he has found love and I am alone. I am sad that he was unable to find it with me. I guess I will have my puppy to hold all night.

I did have a great night last night with R. I wish we could have had it tonight. It would have definitely helped me get through this damn holiday. We ended up at one of the local hot springs and then his place. We had dinner and watched a movie. We snuggled and more and he held me all night. It was so nice to wake up still in his arms this morning. He is such a sweet, gentle, and kind man. It is really unfortunate that we haven’t had a deeper connection. Whomever he ends up with will be a very lucky woman. In the mean time, I will enjoy our occasional nights together and our support of each other and our friendship. I do love him but not in the way needed and he is the same way with me. Something is missing and neither of us know what. We have discussed how unfortunate it is that things haven’t changed between us. We both wish that we could change that. I do think that if he were to fall in love with me, I could possibly put down a wall and fall for him, too. Oh well, the wall is there to protect me. It would be real sad if what is keeping us apart is our both protecting ourselves. I never thought I could be with someone that doesn’t talk much but, though he is quiet, I am very comfortable with him. The way he looks at  me says everything. I know he cares about me. I know he finds me attractive. I know that he finds me desirable and enjoys my company. Oh well. I will enjoy what we have while we have it and look into those eyes and read them every chance I get.

Tomorrow is the beginning of a new year. I wonder what it will bring. I know it will bring challenges and rewards. I know it will bring tears and laughter. I know it will bring heartbreak and hopefully love. Thank you everyone for reading and commenting. I am glad to share and meet others going through similar things. We are stronger together.

The holidays are such a difficult time for so  many people for various reasons. One of the hardest things during the holidays is being single and alone. We are constantly reminded of coupledom: Jewelry commercials, movies, songs, etc.  Except for my first Christmas after my divorce, this was my first one being single since 1988. I still had my annual party. I was the only one, besides the kids, that was single.  I made it through it even with my ex-bf bringing his new girlfriend. Fortunately, and unfortunately, I really like her. It makes it easier to be happy for him but also less easy for me to secretly hope they don’t work out and he decides that I am perfect for him after all. I really do not want him back but there are moments that I do, especially when I am lonely and that has definitively occurred this season. I was speaking to R today and he was talking about his loneliness this season. We decided that, even though we don’t belong together, that we will be there for each other during lonely times until one of us finds someone else.

I have actually done pretty well this season but do admit that I am not thrilled to see Valentine’s Day stuff already out. I am sure I will blog about that at some time. I haven’t had a boyfriend since R last March. I almost had one with P in October but that was disastrous. I am proud of myself this year though. I have only cried a couple of times and actually enjoyed myself a lot. I do wish I had someone to ring in the new year with but that is not going to happen and I am mostly good with that. I know that this probably will not last forever but then I look at my mother. She is almost 76 and has been single for over 20 years. As far as I know, she hasn’t had a date or sex since her divorce. I do not want to be that way.  I have decided this month that I am no longer actively looking. I am just going to live my life and see what happens but I do hope that this was my last lonely holiday season. I do not like being alone during this time.

 

Wow, I made it through today. I wasn’t sure how I was going to be with my eldest not coming home and my ex-bf being with someone else.  Amazingly, I did great. I had a good day. We all slept in. We woke up and did our stockings for the others and then talked a bit before we actually went to see what Santa brought. Luckily, my eldest had done some shopping so the stockings weren’t empty. We were all very happy with what were happy with what we got. The kiddos were cute with their Santa gifts. After that, we did our presents and were laughing and having a great time until the eldest called. She sounded so sad. She chose to spend the holiday with her dad and his new girlfriend that has always treated her poorly. She stated this woman had hardly spoken two words to her since she got there. I almost let this conversation get me down but I had to remind myself that she is almost 26 and chose to spend the holiday with them. I cannot let that get me down. I was having fun and I do have to be happy that she wants a better relationship with her dad than I have with mine. Unfortunately, as long as he is with the woman he is with, there will b problems. He will never tell the gal to treat his kid better. He never told his family to treat me better in twenty-three years.

Presents were good, though few, and we just chilled most of the day. I did get some nice glasses and serving dishes so we did rearrange the kitchen a bit to find  place for the new stuff and get rid of the stuff I no longer use or need. We have watched a couple of movies, napped, ate lots of leftovers from the party and just enjoyed each others company. We just munched on food all day and did not have a formal dinner. If we can get out of the driveway tomorrow,  I will go buy some things for dinner tomorrow. The middle kiddo is stuck in the middle o the driveway due to about a foot of snow that fell in the past 24 hours. If not, we have no formal dinner but we had each other. My first Christmas being “alone” in ages. The first one post-divorce doesn’t count. I was still numb. Maybe, next season will be better for me. I have come to realize that I am fine being alone. I haven’t felt lonely all day.

I love my kids and really don’t need anything or anyone else but have some amazing friends, in addition to my kids. I had a good day even without my eldest and a significant other. Sometime tomorrow, my eldest will get here and we will have a little time together before she heads home. I hope she had a decent day. Of course, the ex-hubby didn’t call the other two. He sent them a text and he wonders why they want nothing to do with him. Oh well. We all pay for our choices. She chose to spend the day with her dad. He chose to walk out on his family. The other two chose to spend the holiday with me. I choose daily to be happy with ME.

Tomorrow, we will dig a car out of the driveway and probably actually move a bit but today has been close to perfect. I have my kids and myself. I do not need anyone else. I am happy and content with my life just the way it is. Okay, a bit more money wouldn’t hurt. 😉 I hope you all had a great day and enjoy  the rest of your holiday season. Thanks for reading. This blog is healing for me and the fact I have anyone read at all is nice.