My kids and I carpool to work a lot. We live thirty miles from Durango and all three of us work there. We have two cars currently so carpooling is often necessary. Sometimes we have to wait a couple of hours to start work or for the other person to get off work. Usually, the kids carpool as they both usually work nights but occasionally, I get the pleasure of one of the kids company. The other day was one of those nights. I got off at five, my son at eight, and the child at almost eleven. I volunteered to stay and wait for the boy. When I have to do this, I usually sit at the bar across the street and have a drink or two. The other night, it was a longer wait than usual and I ended up at the Starbucks for a while, reading my book and having a coffee a friend had bought for me earlier but hadn’t been made yet. After a little while, I decided to walk down the street and ended back up at the same bar I tend to go to. I got a table by the window, pulled out my book and had a beer. There was a musician playing that I hadn’t heard before and I was really enjoying that. I went from reading to just listening. I talked  a bit to the tourists at the table next to me. I watched a cute little kid playing on the sidewalk wearing a cape. I was just enjoying life and then it hit me. Six months ago, I was still uncomfortable walking into a bar by myself but that night it didn’t phase me. I have been going to Starbucks regularly alone and reading and having coffee on the weekends so that hasn’t been an issue in a long time. It is my weekly date with my pup. He gets a puppacino and a get a drink. I read, he gets love from strangers. Sometimes we do something else before or after but it time for me to read and relax away from home. I think this was the first time that I have walked into a bar/restaurant by myself and not felt awkward or lonely. I didn’t feel bad taking a table by myself. I was totally at ease. I think now that I could walk into any restaurant and have a meal by myself and not feel bad about it or feel that people were staring at me feeling sorry for me.

I have come such a long way since the divorce. During the divorce and for several months after, I could barely go anywhere much less by myself. My friend, Maria, and my kids drug me to a few places but I hardly went anywhere. When I was invited to go out with friends, often I would say yes but the anxiety would keep me home on the night of the event. I definitely didn’t want to do anything ALONE!!!! I didn’t want people to pity me or feel sorry for me for my husband walking out on me. I didn’t want to look pitiful. I didn’t want to be alone. The first couple of parties I went to alone, I cried either there or when I got home. This was at a friends house that I have known for years. When I went to my karate class the few times, I cried afterwards as it used to be a family class for us all. I struggled going to the Library grand opening when we built our new library though I knew just about everyone there. Maybe that was why it was so hard. Even going to my son’s school performances alone was hard. Now, I do  not even think about it. I just go where I want, when I want. I no longer think about what people think of me being alone. I even recently ran into someone I worked with years ago and he asked about my ex-husband. He had no idea we were divorced. That didn’t phase me. I just told him that we have been apart for over five years now.

I remember people telling me that it would get easier but I had no idea that some day I would be so comfortable with myself that I could do anything alone without it bothering me. I was not even like that prior to my marriage. I think my fifties are going to be great because for the first time in my life I am truly happy with who I am and with my own company.