The Renegade Press

My mother knows that I am sick, but I hate that she can’t understand that whilst I am grateful for her love; it won’t stop the shaking of my hands.

  • Tom Weaver

One of the hardest things about dividing your time between blogging and writing manuscripts is that it often feels like one body of work must suffer so that that the other may thrive. When I blog, my desire to work on a larger manuscript wanes; and when I devote my time to creative fiction, it can be difficult to transition into the mindset required to produce entries for this site. At times it can be overwhelming to try and find an equilibrium between who I am as a blogger, as an author, and as a man. This complex balancing act is what has led to the recent lull in activity here at The Renegade Press.

I haven’t given…

View original post 1,233 more words

Emma

Here is the english version of my now famous “Fallait demander” !

Thanks Una from unadtranslation.com for the translation 🙂

You should've asked_001You should've asked_002You should've asked_003You should've asked_004You should've asked_005You should've asked_006You should've asked_007You should've asked_008You should've asked_009You should've asked_010You should've asked_011You should've asked_012You should've asked_013You should've asked_014You should've asked_016You should've asked_017You should've asked_018You should've asked_019You should've asked_020You should've asked_021You should've asked_022You should've asked_023You should've asked_024You should've asked_025You should've asked_026You should've asked_027You should've asked_028You should've asked_029You should've asked_030You should've asked_031You should've asked_032You should've asked_033You should've asked_034You should've asked_035You should've asked_036You should've asked_037You should've asked_038You should've asked_039You should've asked_040

View original post

After I became single again, I was quite surprised to have so many YOUNG men hit on me. At first I was pretty horrified as was my eldest daughter. We would go out and guys her age would hit on me. She did not understand and would be hurt. I came to the conclusion after several events that there were a few reasons. The first is that they knew that I wasn’t going to be looking for a  relationship with them and she might. Another reason was given to me by several men that I know and that is I have a confidence that she doesn’t have. At first, I was very resistant to any man more than a few years younger, though I am a young forty nine. No one ever believes that I am the age that I am. After dating or going out on quite a few dates in four years, I have realized that most men older than me are too old. I have been mostly dating men five to eight years younger. I did go out with one man about ten years younger and he was SO YOUNG but then went out with another guy the same age and it wasn’t an issue. Men, so often, date women much younger. Why is there a double standard for women. I like men. I am still attracted to young men and some are attracted to me. They  are always surprised when they find out I am almost fifty. I can keep up with them in activities. I am fit. I am not grey and have few wrinkles. I am aging well. I have had  many men around my age mention how much older they are than me. Is there really an issue for a woman to date a much younger man. If they are both consenting adults, why is there a double standard?

I am not really looking to get involved with someone much younger but am  wondering about this from others views. The young ones are fun to flirt with though, I do admit that.

without the dating sites. I tried the traditional way of meeting men and managed to go on ONE date and it wasn’t good. I am starting to wonder if I am doomed to be alone. I have met so many wonderful men in the past four years but no one that our feelings are mutual. I have been spending so much time with R lately and know that I have to start looking elsewhere. He cannot love me (or admit he does). I hate for either of us to move on because I will miss him terribly if we quit seeing each other BUT I have got to try. Of course, we were matched again on line. We are so good together but as much as I want to be okay with things the way they are indefinitely, I cannot. I eventually want to be loved again and to love again. I eventually want to be in a relationship again. I want to grow old with someone. I want to be with someone daily. I want to wake up with someone. I want to eat with someone. I want to go to bed with someone. Is that too much to ask? I am starting to think so, at least with the dating pool that I have here. This is one of the major drawbacks or being in a small town. My dating profile says no long distance men and that is realistic because I do not want to move and do not want anyone to move for me.

I have been on POF and OKCupid again for one week and it is mostly the same men that were there three years ago when I went on the first time. There are occasional new men but not many. I am looking for a non-theist and non-conservative. Maybe I am too picky. I keep having men that live far away or religious men contact me. They do not even read the damn profiles but how the hell am I supposed to meet men otherwise. I keep trying but everyone I meet is either way young or married. There are two police officers that I get along with well but both are married. There is a fun photographer in town but he is very religious. R won’t love me. The Banker….. well, who knows with him. There are several men in town that flirt with me constantly but there are issues with all of them. One I met online a few  years ago. He is a lot of fun but is an alcoholic that has a reputation with women that is not great. I like him as a friend but am not attracted to him and even if I was, I would be concerned about his past. It is a bit violent and he is still drinking.

I have had a few of the men I have met in the past send me messages on the dating site telling me that they hope I am doing well and what I good person or woman that I am. I deleted all but one. The rafter that I mentioned in my last post. I actually asked him out again but he hasn’t responded. I sure wish we could hang out occasionally. He is so damn much fun.

I am  not going to pay for either of the sites right now but will be on them and hope that maybe I can meet someone again. I think maybe our town is way too small for me to  meet anyone the traditional way. No one new at my Meetups. No one old enough at game nights. I am going to try geek trivia night and see but my guess is they will all be young, too.

The other day as I was walking around town writing tickets, my thoughts kept going to the various men that I have met since my divorce. Some have brought lots of joy, some not so much. I have gone on a lot of first dates, several multiple dates, and even tried relationships with a couple of men. I was thinking about the effect they have had on my current life, my views on dating, my views on love, my mistakes with them, their mistakes with me. It can be very interesting when you spend most of your day alone. You have a lot of time to think.

There have been a few men that I barely remember meeting. I wouldn’t recognize them if I saw them again. Obviously, they didn’t make much of an impression and we only went on one date. There are a couple that made enough of an impression that I remember the date and why I didn’t like the guys. I don’t remember their names or what they look like.

There are a few that almost became special. They are the If Only’s……The builder was the first one that I dated. It was too early for both of us. He was going through his divorce. He is a wonderful man, that unfortunately is an alcoholic. We have remained friends. The Mechanic was a perfect gentleman but took it too far (to the point of being chauvinistic) and closed off to his emotions. Our last date we saw The Fault in Our Stars and he told  me that men don’t cry and that is why he didn’t at the movie. We do not have anything to do with each other now. The Engineer….oh how he makes smile. I think we would have really given it a go if he hadn’t lived on the other side of the mountain-300 miles away. We had a few months together meeting halfway between for the weekends when we could. We had so much fun together. We have remained friends. The raft guide was so much fun and I just wan’t ready yet. I blew that one. I think he really liked me but I was needing so much more than was healthy. I was clingy and felt insecure when he didn’t want to be with me all the time. I wish we had met later. I would give us a try again if he were willing. We talk when we see each other. I wish we could be at least friends.  I actually miss him a lot and think of him often.  Of course, there was the one I called Mr Perfect. I wrote about him this past fall. He became clingy way too fast. I wish all these men happiness and wonder IF with a few of them.

Then, of course, there is the ex-bf. I don’t think I was ready yet but he was so good for me. He truly taught me to love again and that I was lovable. He and I are still close and as much as it hurt to lose him, I will never regret our time together. R is wonderful. I have no idea what the future holds. I do know that he is still looking.

 

I know my last couple of posts have been downers but it has been a difficult few weeks here in our area. In the past two weeks, we have had three suicides in our county in the past two weeks. The youngest was 14, one was 22 and graduated with my second kiddo, and the other was a young mother. We have had nine in our county this year already and several more in our area. A friend of mine had a coworkers son in the neighboring county kill himself on Facebook the other night. It is becoming rather frightening for all of us.

For me, my middle kiddo having a classmate kill herself was very difficult for me to handle. She has been suicidal in the past and definitely been depressed off and on for a few years. When I heard about her classmate, I had no idea how close they were. I knew she had to know her. They had to know each other as our town is small and we are all connected and the kids all know each each other in school. I was so worried about her all day. I was so relieved to know that they weren’t close at all but still have had concerns about her since. She appears to be okay but studies do show that suicide is contagious.

I spent all day wondering who was next. Why it is contagious. Why do people get permission to go ahead and go through with it when other people do? I have always wondered that. I have never understood that but it is true. I have read a lot on theories of why this past week but I think I have one idea why. One of the reasons I never acted on my plans was I was afraid of failing and having to live with the consequences of that. I didn’t want to live with people upset with me for attempting to die. I think one of the reasons that it is contagious is we see people  succeed and think maybe we can, too. Is that one of the reasons that there are more attempts after a suicide in an area? It is a theory of mine. There is a town summit on Thursday addressing our crisis and where to get help, what to watch for, etc. I imagine that it will be highly attended as this is affecting our small community so hard. I hope that we can stop this from continuing in our area.

Don’t worry, I am not depressed or contemplating at all at this time. I am just saddened by all the recent deaths. I am grateful that I haven’t been close to any of the people that have died but I have friends that have been. Survivors have such a hard time.

Depression….. aah that horrible subject that is taboo. I have to talk about it periodically. I refuse to be silent anymore.

Depression entered my life when I was fourteen. By all accounts, I should have been happy. For the most part, I had a great life but I was lonely. A lonely that made no sense. I was sad. A sadness that made no sense. I no longer wanted to live and that made no sense. I felt guilty for feeling the way I did, which made it even worse. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I felt shame for having my feelings. I knew that telling my mom would just make her upset and she would tell me to pull myself up and get over it. She wouldn’t be being insensitive but she didn’t understand depression. She truly has no concept of it. I read a book called Lisa, Bright and Dark. The girl was going crazy and then I wondered if that was what was happening to me. I must have read that book a dozen times. I related to her.  Why was I so sad for no reason? I would pray to my god every night to not let me wake up. This went on for years. I got involved with smoking, drinking, drugs, even sex to try and make me feel better. Every day I thought about dying and how I didn’t want to live anymore. I thought about ways to kill myself. I had a knife to my wrist more times than I can count.  No one would listen I was supposed to be happy so I faked it the best I could. Eventually, I went to visit my dad and he took me to a therapist. That man was the first to save my life. I didn’t see him long but enough to give me tools to keep going. I continued my destructive behavior for a long time but no longer was praying or wishing to die daily.

Flash forward a few years. I was doing much better until a boyfriend and I broke up. We were going to get married. I was the one that decided to break it off but it was so painful. I just knew that no one would ever love me. I was unlovable and always had been (in my mind). I remember being in my apartment in school and just sobbing that I wanted to die and crying out for my former therapist. Somehow, my roommates and I tracked him down and I called  him across the country. Funny how I had seen him in the Philippines and this was preinternet but I found him here in the states. He and I are still in contact to this day. I was is patient in 1984.

After that incident, I managed to plug along with very little depression and few if any suicidal thoughts for years until 2008. Things collapsed for me then. In 2007, we had a string of deaths in our lives:  One of my favorite football players was killed Jan 1st., Dr Bustamante, Kieth, Carly, Ray, Sam, Mrs Faust, My grandfather, Kit, my cousin, and even my dog.  I actually think there were a couple more but I cannot think of who it was. It was emotional turmoil. I was struggling so hard to manage and survive all the pain and heartbreak around me. The first week of January 2008, my husband told me that he no longer wanted to be married to me. That was it. After a year of crying for deaths, I felt like my life was over. I told him he could have the kids because I knew I would die. It wasn’t very long after that I was making a plan. I was drinking almost a bottle of wine every night. I was researching all my meds to see what combination would definitely kill me. I did NOT want to fail this too. I had failed everything in my life, or so I thought. My husband would yell at me daily to pull it together. That just made me worse. My eldest kid had no idea what to do. My husband would yell at me to go get help when I told him that I wanted to die but he never took me for help. I have no idea how many times I TOLD HIM THAT I WAS GOING TO KILL MYSELF. He never took my pills away, never spoke to our doctor, never asked anyone for help. Maybe he was hoping I would do it. I don’t know.

My turning point was being in the car with my youngest. Someone was passing someone else in front of me. I had to put on the brakes to avoid them. My first thought was to hit the gas and unbuckle. That would have been so easy. I had thought about driving off a mountain so many times. I didn’t want to fail my suicide. The only reason my brakes were used is my son was sitting next to me. That was my wake up call. I went to my doctor and was put on antidepressants and started working with the tools I had learned all those years ago. The ex got  angry that I “only went on meds” because he didn’t understand that I already had the tools. I gradually got better and when he eventually filed for divorce, I swore to him that I would not let him kill me.

Last year, I got my semi-colon tattoo for suicide awareness and prevention. My story is not over yet and I am determined to never let that demon take over in my life again. I will speak LOUDLY and PROUDLY of my success. I will be here for anyone that needs to talk. If I can save one life, it is worth the tears I cry every time I recall that pain and loneliness. I no longer am ashamed of having depression. It is not my fault. It is not a weakness. It should no longer be a stigma.