I am trying so hard to not be negative and not distrust but it is so hard for me.

Ice Cream guy and I were supposed to be together on Friday night. I have a friend that I occasionally go out with for drinks on Friday night.  Two weeks ago, I didn’t join him and his wife (also a good friend) to be with ice cream man. I haven’t hung out with this friend in a while and wanted to catch up. I asked ice cream guy if he would mind us joining the other friend for a short while. If he had said no, I would have been okay with it. He doesn’t drink but has also told me that he is regularly a DD for his friends and was okay in bars. He had met my friend briefly a couple of weeks ago and wanted them to get to know each other, The other guy (Coke dealer) and I have been friends for 31 years. I met him and his wife before they knew each other at the same time.  We have maintained this friendship. Our families are close. He is like a brother to me. He looks out for me and my kids and I am there for him and his family. I didn’t want to stay long but thought it would go okay. Boy, was I wrong.

I had thought the wife was coming also until the last minute. She ended up going to one of their kids as she was in crisis AGAIN. Ice Cream guy shows up, the guys talk for a minute but my guy is very quiet. Coke guy goes to restroom and ice cream guy says this isn’t his scene and was very cold. Friend came back, ice cream guy leaves minutes later and won’t talk to me. I freak out. I cannot date someone that won’t talk to me, that just walks away upset and won’t tell me why. Friend tells me to go after him. I did but he told me to leave him alone and kept walking. I went back to bar and proceeded to cry. Coke guy asked if he was the problem or the bar but I had no idea what triggered him. I tried calling him but his phone was off. I finished my beer and went home and cried for hours.

I texted him good morning on Saturday and he finally responded. He stated that I did nothing wrong. He had spent the afternoon looking at finances and was upset about his income.  He said he needed the weekend. So I texted him back and told him I would give him his space. I haven’t heard from or contacted him since.

There is a part of me that wants to just say to hell with him. He was a jerk and unreasonable to not talk to me.  I also know that it is hard to make it here financially and he really wants to stay here. He is having a hard time finding a decent place to live that is affordable. Having me in his life has definitely complicated matters. He actually found a place a couple of weeks ago but told me it wouldn’t work because WE would have no privacy. I know how men can internalize these things and how money can be such an issue. He actually has told me that he has had gals break up with him in the past because he didn’t make enough.  I don’t know what is going to happen now. I do know that if this continues with us, he needs to know that for me, what he did the other day was way to hard for me to deal with. I need communication. If he had just said, I had a rough day and cannot handle this I would have understood. I will not be with a man that just shuts down like that when upset. I did that for years. Never again.

As difficult as it is, I will not contact him until he contacts me. No good morning, no good night, no how are you? There is part of me that wants to just close off my heart to  men completely now. It hurt so much the other night. Is it worth it? I am not sure. My playing the field with guys with no thought of a future was not painful at all just lonely at times. I guess I will wait and see for now and give him a chance, if he wants it. If not, I will continue taking care of myself and enjoying life.

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Why do relationships have to be so damn complicated? Right now, I’m watching my daughter whose heart is broken. I know many other people whose hearts are breaking right now. I know many others that are lonely or afraid to try again. Of course, there are the ones that are in miserable relationships that stay for whatever reason that they stay.

Here I am, wanting to embark and take a chance but then I’m terrified to give my heart again and/or trust. My insecurities keep coming forward for no reason whatsoever. Are my insecurities going to be what destroys this potential relationship? He is giving me no reason to be insecure yet I keep telling myself he’s pulling away and all sorts of other things. The reality is that he was out of town for the weekend and I was out of town for the weekend. We were both busy on our separate trips. He’s working more. It probably has nothing to do with me and him that I was not hearing from him as much today. He has his own vehicle at work now so he can’t text me while he’s driving. He didn’t get back into town until late last night.  Yet I find myself thinking bad things like he’s pulling away or that I saw something that wasn’t there with us.

I definitely think seeing other people struggle and sad and lonely and scared and miserable makes it so much harder for me to trust and love and try again. As I have said before with my job that I have lots of time to think. Today, I had these things run through my mind. My doubts were that I hadn’t seen ice cream guy since Friday. we had texted over the weekend. He got home late last night and so we didn’t see each other but I really wanted to see him. My mind started the doubt train. Then, I hardly heard from him today. I kept the self talk of don’t text him too much, it probably is nothing, I am being too sensitive. I don’t want to need him. I don’t want to be clingy. I don’t want him to be clingy. I was really trying to convince myself that everything was okay when I finally got the text. He asked if I remembered him and if we were going to see each other later. Whew. I did it again. I almost got myself all worked up and then he responded with making me laugh. I have got to let these insecurities go but there is always that part of me that thinks that I like someone more than they like me. We need to take it slow and see where this goes and I need to quit being paranoid that he doesn’t like me the same as I do him. It is obvious that, at this time, he does. I need to learn to trust that. We had a couple of hours tonight but he had some things to do as did I. I have time with friends the next couple of nights so he has time to work one something he needs to do for a possible permanent job here.

As I walk the streets everyday, I have lots of things go through my mind. I don’t know why yesterday my reflection seemed to be how much I’ve grown. On Facebook, you can see your “on this day” in the past. I tend to look at these daily. Some are good, some are bad, many make me really see how far that I have come.  As I’m looking at these from four years ago, right after my divorce, I was struggling to eat, get out of bed, to go to work. I had done most of my crying before the divorce was final but I was terrified of being on my own.  I had grown so dependent on the ex because he thought he did everything better than me. I had quit trying to do things because it was easier to let him do things than to be criticized for doing things wrong. My self-confidence was in the toilet.  I never thought I could get a decent job because I gave up my career when I got married.  I never went back to college. I was a full-time at home mom for a long time. I loved being home with my kids.  I love the relationship I have with them now, probably due to that but I will always regret giving up my career.

Here I am four years later, I am feeling happier and  more self confident than I’ve ever felt in my life. I think when I first started dating that I was looking for somebody to take care of me. I no longer want nor need that. I’ve had men tell me that I was too strong and independent for them. Who would have thought that would be an issue for me four years ago. I don’t want a man that can’t handle my independence, that can’t handle my strength, that wants to be the man and take care of everything. I will never give up my independence again.  Now I’ve met a new man, the ice cream man, and he seems to really like my strength. I told him about other men saying I was too strong and independent. He said that he doesn’t see that. He likes it.

Something hit me this morning about me and my relationship with the ice cream man. In previous relationships, I have said that I felt that they made me feel pretty, smart, sexy, happy, etc. How many of us say that at time? I think it is a standard thing to feel . I was thinking about him and how he makes me feel. He does not make me feel any of those things and that is not bad.

I already feel all those things. I love the way he looks at me. I love the way he lights up when he sees me. I love that he thinks I am beautiful, smart, strong, and sexy but I also love that I feel that way already and not because of him. I guess I am actually healthy enough to be loved as I finally love myself.

i feel pretty

I am so surprised by my emotions today. R is such a wonderful man He owns a carpet cleaning business and even though we haven’t been a couple in so long, came over to do my bedroom for free. I actually asked him how much and he said he wouldn’t charge me. Today, he comes over on his day off and cleans my bedroom and my sofa and futon in the Bronco/TV room.

We sit down afterwards and have some lemonade  and talk. He asks me about the ice cream man. That is what everyone has dubbed the new guy so I guess that is his moniker here. I told him a little as how well things are going. We chatted a bit and then he packed up his equipment and we hugged. I told him that I love him and for the first time he told me the same. I just started crying and told him that I know. I have always known. Damn, I am such a big baby. We dated for about four weeks in winter of 2016. I knew we didn’t have a future very early as he told me that something was missing and he didn’t  know what. We have had so many good times but we have never really been a couple. He is one of the best people that I have ever known. It is difficult to move on but it is time. He dated someone else for a couple of months this summer and I finally met someone worth giving a chance. I have met several of his siblings and adore them all. I guess there was a part of me that thought things would change. He kid loves me, too. I will always love him but for now, it is time to truly try and move on. I couldn’t kiss him when he was here. That is the first  time that I haven’t wanted to kiss him since we met in January of 2016. I hate emotions sometimes. I am the one moving on. I am crazy about the ice cream guy. I can see a possible future with him.

Why am I crying so much over R? Maybe I loved him more than I realized. Maybe, it is fear of our future as friend. Maybe it is fear of change. He has been here for me for so long. Maybe it is because, he hasn’t found someone and I want him to be happy. I feel like I am abandoning him. His kid is with the mom now and his dog is dying slowly. I don’t want him to be alone. I do love him and always will. I want to be with the ice cream man now. I think there could be a future. Why was it so hard to let R go today? I felt like we were breaking up. He wiped my tears away and hugged me tighter. Maybe he had become a security blanket for me.  I don’t know but I have been crying off and on since he left my house.  I want us both to be happy. Love is so damn confusing.

Wow!!! That is how this week is described. We did not make it until Thursday. In fact, we have seen each other every day. We text constantly. Tuesday night, we went on a walk on the river walk and then just sat by the river and talked. We have talked about so much- past relationships, health, money, family, childhood, and more.  We are comfortable with silence together. That usually doesn’t come so early. Wednesday was my game night. I had told him that he could join us. He showed up eventually and joined us for a game. We then went to Coldstone and had a little time alone. Thursday, we were supposed to eat and walk on the Riverwalk but it was storming. We ended up making out for a while after dinner. Friday, we played pool and today we went on a hike and more ice cream.  We decided to spend tonight without each other. He can ride his mountain bike and I can chill at home with some wine and probably read. I know I will sleep for more than seven hours tonight.

I know it has only been a little over a week but I see no red flags yet. We respect each others individuality. We both wanted to be together tonight but we also know that it is good to have our own time and that it is not realistic to be together every night. He keeps telling me that he is not going anywhere. He is an amazing kisser and I am very much looking forward to more. I love his body and his sense of humor. His smile makes me melt. He loves my muscles and I love his. We both appreciate what goes into having them.

Last night, I saw that I possibly see a future with him. He is a closet romantic. He told me the other day that he loves giving foot massages but last night, he almost made me cry. I was talking about my nails. They are the only area where I am real girly-girl. He looked down at my feet. The nails are not painted at this time. I asked him if he liked toenails painted. He looked at me and stated that he actually liked PAINTING nails. He talked about how it is such an intimate thing. I realized at that moment that I could love this  man. I have no idea what the future holds but this guys is amazing. He reads romance novels and his favorite movie is Pretty Woman. I actually love that we have different interests but respect the need for individuality BUT we are willing to try new things. He is thrilled that I can ice skate because he grew up on ice skates. I am not good but it is fun.  He wants to try to get me mountain biking. I told him that I would try but I can’t imagine that I will like it  more than hiking. We are planning a weekend in Moab in a few weeks. I am hoping we continue so well. I cannot believe how I am feeling and how not scared I am. I think about him constantly and cannot wait to be with him again. We both now we are in a honeymoon phase and it doesn’t usually last forever but we sure are enjoying what is going on.

New guy and I texted off and on all day Sunday. We decided to have our next date on Thursday after work. I told him that I was hoping it would be sooner and he said too much of a good thing us not a good thing. I actually agree with him. If we are going to be sensible and take this slow and really give us a chance, we need to not become each others worlds. I was disappointed but thought it would definitely be Thursday. I was okay with it but wanted to see him sooner.
We were texting in the morning yesterday and he ended up inviting me to join him and his friend for their weekly burger night. I was very excited that he did that. When he got off work, he went to one of the coffee shops on main and sat outside. He texted me asking where I was. After I passed him and we talked a couple of minutes, he quickly left that spot. I am sure he was there just to see me. I actually drove by in the city vehicle two times and saw him looking up occasionally. It was sweet to see. On our fist date on Saturday, I found out that he has a quick and fun sense of humor. I always joke that I am a street walker. He had seen me on the streets before but he laughed that from now on, he will imagine red stilettos and mentioned something about a pole. I had to act on that yesterday. I spoke to him at the coffee shop for a couple of minutes and then said I had to get back to work. I took a few steps away and then swung around on one of the parking meter poles. He laughed so hard. He told me later that he was so glad that he decided to look up and watch me walking away. He was very pleased when I told him I would join him for burgers.
I got off work at six and went to the restaurant. He got there a couple of minutes later. He had gone, showered and changed clothes. He looked so nice. Dinner was awesome. He friend was nice and had no problem with me joining them. He hugged me when he got there but other than that, no touching. I am such a touchy person that no touch is difficult for me. I did so well though. Towards the end of the night, I did reach up and kiss his cheek. I told him that I couldn’t wait any longer. After dinner, his friend left and told me that he would see me next week. We left the restaurant and he asked if he could walk me to my car. He immediately grabbed my hand. It felt so nice. About a half a block later, he pulls me into an alcove and kisses me. Wow again. We get to my car, kiss some more, and he says goodnight. He is so polite. He hasn’t touched anything “inappropriate” but he is definitely interested. I will have to behave myself with this one and take it slow. I don’t want to mess this up. This guy actually has potential.

He told me on Saturday that he actually has three very good things to offer a woman. 1. He is articulate.   2. He knows how to love and 3. He knows how to receive love. Ex-bf had two out of three but didn’t know how to receive love. That is the main reason we couldn’t work. I love that new guy is not afraid of love.
Supposedly, we won’t see each other until Thursday but I doubt that will happen. He was the first thing I thought of when I woke this morning and told him that. He didn’t get scared off. I am hopeful and not afraid. It feels right. We will see what happens but I definitely have a crush on him. I am determined to not get clingy but I am definitely distracted by him.