When the ex-bf and I were having our disagreement, I realized how much I have grown confident in myself and less dependent on wanting or needing a man. Here he was dating (or trying to date someone that I highly disapprove of) and R was in Moscow meeting a gal that he had met on the dating site. A year ago, I would have wondered why I wasn’t enough for either of them but instead, I thought that neither of them were making wise moves. I do not want either of them to be taken advantage of or hurt. Going overseas to meet a partner has risks that you don’t have dating someone here already. I know there are a lot of people that marry someone to come to this country. I used to see it a lot when I was in the Philippines. I hope that if R, ends up with this gal, that she is not one of those women. Ex-bf…..I think he has stopped the actions he was doing. I hope he has. There was potential of a woman really scamming him for money.

There you have it, the two men that have meant the most to me in the past few years, both moving on and seeing other women and I was upset, not because they didn’t choose me but because I was worried about their hearts and happiness. I can let them both move on to another woman. I just hope that no matter what, we can remain friends. They both have been so important to me and my family. I trust them both with my life. You cannot say that about many people.

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How to reduce shootings

I don’t go into politics very often here though it really is a big part of my life. The older I get, the more I am into politics and the effects of the decisions of Washington DC. The massive shootings are one that just get harder and harder to accept. We have got to make changes. In the past couple of weeks, we had a shooting at a school in my area. A 21 year old white man went into the school acting like a student. His plan was to go into a classroom and kill everyone in it. He went to a bathroom to get geared up and a boy walked in. He shot that boy and then went into the hall and ran into a girl. He killed her. The teachers locked down all the classrooms so he was unable to just walk into one. He wandered the hallway shooting doors and then finally shot himself.  A year ago, the FBI questioned him because he was posting on web sites things that were flagged, including discussing obtaining guns for a school shooting. They didn’t find any reason to charge him with anything and a month before he did this, he LEGALLY bought the gun he used to kill the kids. This one hit way too close to home. I knew kids that went to that school. I know a teacher at that school. I have known her most of her life. I was a mess until I found out that she was okay. Our entire community was stressed as numbers and stories circulated. My co-workers son in law is SWAT and was on the scene. Our schools all had added security. Two (yes, only two) innocent kids were killed.

Why can’t we be sensible about guns in this country? Why can’t we get help for people that need it? If someone posts on the web about shooting up a school, they should NOT be able to legally buy a gun. Yes, I know he may have been able to get one anyway but why make it easy? The week before this happened, a boy was caught in the town I work in with a a gun and a list of names. Luckily, someone knew what he was planning and called Safe2Tell. Who knows how many lives were saved. I knew a kid in Vegas and know many people that had loved ones there.  I don’t know about the rest of you but I am tired of this. I am not anti-gun but I am ready for us to get sane about them. I do not want to go back to our “normal”, I am ready for us to make a change to help prevent these things from happening so often in our country

Life has been a bit busy for me lately and my mind has been all over the place. I really wish that I could blog every time I want to. I usually have things come to me at work and then I come home and have to feed the dogs, do things in the house, and then read and go to bed. I haven’t been dating at all.

Ex-bf and I had a rough spell in which I almost told him to leave my life. He was/is making decisions that really bothered me and made me uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure that our friendship was going to survive. I am glad to say that we worked past it.I was so sad to think that he wouldn’t be in my life anymore. We basically decided to not try again. He said that I was not showing interest but I was afraid. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to “fix” him. He is looking for a woman to fix something big. I tried for two years. I truly think that a woman will not fix the problem. I think he needs to see someone for mental help and to change a few things in his life for the problem to be fixed. I was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to love me again. He ended up saying some real mean things to me on a day that was already stressful. It is funny though that as angry as I was with him, he was the first person I wanted to contact when I needed to talk to someone and needed comfort. He was interested in this one gal and she said some not nice things about me and he decided to not see her anymore and defended me. I guess we are back to FWB. I spent a few hours with him yesterday. It is just so nice with him. It really is a shame that it won’t grow into something more but I have finally accepted that we won’t be together forever. I am going to enjoy what we have when we have it. He is my family. He is my kids family. We all love each other.

A Woman on the Edge of Time: a son's search for his motherA Woman on the Edge of Time: a son’s search for his mother by Jeremy Gavron
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I picked this book up at a book rescue not knowing much about it but it definitely drew me to it. The speed in which I read it says something. I did not want to put this book down. Hannah was such a strong woman and so ahead of her time. It made me think of being a woman before now. My grandmother was also ahead of her time. I often thought about my mother who was in the same age group as Hannah. Women were expected to be a certain way and women who chose not to had a difficult road. Unfortunately, Hannah ultimately couldn’t handle it and took her life. She left two young boys and a family that never spoke of her again. This is written by the younger of the boys as he tries to understand his mother and her choice. This book also made me proud of my daughters who are in no hurry to marry and have babies. They are living their lives before they go down this path, if they choose that path I sure wish that I had done so. Hannah’s thesis that was later published is The Captive Wife. I wonder how many of us feel the way this book implies. I think Ii will have to find it and read it. I know I can probably relate. I gave up my life for the “dream” and it was a mistake. Now I am alone, poor, and fifty, trying to figure out how to live my dreams. I will make it as I have made it this far. This book is worth the read. It is not anti-man. It is not anti-marriage. It is more about having the strength to follow your dreams. The women back then had so many more obstacles than we do now. It has improved but many are still there due to our gender. We need to continue to change things for our daughters and granddaughter.

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In A Messy World

“I’m not going to pretend you don’t exist.
Instead, I’ll do something better.
I’ll show you I’m doing alright without you.”

Silly of me to expect so much;
To think you would be different;
That you wouldn’t be the one to leave.

Yet here we are;

You’ve turned out to be like everyone else,
but that’s OK, because I promise you,
I’ll do just fine.

I might even go further than if I had you in my life.

I’ll be flying high,
striving to reach the top…

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…while you remain down there,
looking up and wishing you were here with me;
Wishing you never left.

You think I’ll be weak without you;
I’ll show you the opposite.

So, it’s OK, leave me,
because I’ll do just fine.

“Your first mistake was leaving me.
Your second mistake was giving me the chance
to realize I could live without you.”

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Be Inspired..!!

Do you have the clarity, the willingness, do you have the momentum to not care about what somebody else thinks about what you are doing?

I don’t care, yes, say these to yourself every time a stupid doubt created by others enters your mind. Say these words to yourself every-time someone hurts you, or say mean things to you.

I don’t care.

Its just how I am. I like it this way. Life is so much fun for me.

I don’t care. I am sorry you are upset but I don’t care.

I want your world to be very good but I don’t care.

I would like everything to work for you, but I can’t fix it so I don’t care.

I don’t care about whatever is conditional.

I understand that if I don’t care you no longer want to talk to me. Well, I don’t care.

No, I am…

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Be Inspired..!!

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.” ~ Oscar Wilde.

Do you know what it means to love yourself unconditionally? Do you know how to totally accept and embrace yourself fully? Are you facing difficulties with loving yourself?

Listen to your mind talk and you will know things. Chances are that you have been saying more negative than positive things to yourself. If your self-talk is unkind, causes you to feel down and erodes you of your spirit, then you can be said to be having some challenges with feeling good about yourself.  On the contrary, should you love yourself absolutely, you will be supportive, compassionate and not be constantly criticizing yourself. Hence, it is important that you start to observe what you have been saying to yourself. 

Overflowing love comes from consciously choosing to learn with your personal source of spiritual guidance about loving yourself. When your intention is to learn about loving…

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