trust


My friendship with R is so good and the man is so kind and caring. I love him and his kid. He is often texting me when he is in town offering me a coffee when he is at the coffee shop or just texting asking if I need a hug. He does this especially if he knows I have been having a hard day. We have been doing so well with not crossing the line of friendship lately. My Self Control-He didn’t stop me We had another movie night where we did nothing. It was so nice and I thought we had finally gotten to where I could be around him and not want to kiss him. Well, I was wrong. In the past few weeks, the communication with us has increased and the way he looks at me and hugs me just makes me melt. I finally kissed him again the other day and told him that I couldn’t help myself. It was just a peck but still, it was nice. We both wanted to see Ready Player One so we decided to have a date night when his son was with mom.

It was so mice to just have some time with him. We snuggled as much as you can at the theater and then we decided to go out to eat. While we were eating, he told me that he had no reason to behave anymore. Damn, I am weak. Next thing I know, we are driving to his place and have a wonderful night. Every time I woke, he was holding me and it was such a nice relaxing night and morning. I guess we are back to FWB because I know his feelings haven’t changes, though he sure acts like a boyfriend in so many ways. When he hugs me, I feel so safe and comfortable. I love the feeling and wish I could have it every day. Oh well. Maybe someday. Until then, I will enjoy my life.

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When the ex-bf and I were having our disagreement, I realized how much I have grown confident in myself and less dependent on wanting or needing a man. Here he was dating (or trying to date someone that I highly disapprove of) and R was in Moscow meeting a gal that he had met on the dating site. A year ago, I would have wondered why I wasn’t enough for either of them but instead, I thought that neither of them were making wise moves. I do not want either of them to be taken advantage of or hurt. Going overseas to meet a partner has risks that you don’t have dating someone here already. I know there are a lot of people that marry someone to come to this country. I used to see it a lot when I was in the Philippines. I hope that if R, ends up with this gal, that she is not one of those women. Ex-bf…..I think he has stopped the actions he was doing. I hope he has. There was potential of a woman really scamming him for money.

There you have it, the two men that have meant the most to me in the past few years, both moving on and seeing other women and I was upset, not because they didn’t choose me but because I was worried about their hearts and happiness. I can let them both move on to another woman. I just hope that no matter what, we can remain friends. They both have been so important to me and my family. I trust them both with my life. You cannot say that about many people.

I am so surprised by my emotions today. R is such a wonderful man He owns a carpet cleaning business and even though we haven’t been a couple in so long, came over to do my bedroom for free. I actually asked him how much and he said he wouldn’t charge me. Today, he comes over on his day off and cleans my bedroom and my sofa and futon in the Bronco/TV room.

We sit down afterwards and have some lemonade  and talk. He asks me about the ice cream man. That is what everyone has dubbed the new guy so I guess that is his moniker here. I told him a little as how well things are going. We chatted a bit and then he packed up his equipment and we hugged. I told him that I love him and for the first time he told me the same. I just started crying and told him that I know. I have always known. Damn, I am such a big baby. We dated for about four weeks in winter of 2016. I knew we didn’t have a future very early as he told me that something was missing and he didn’t  know what. We have had so many good times but we have never really been a couple. He is one of the best people that I have ever known. It is difficult to move on but it is time. He dated someone else for a couple of months this summer and I finally met someone worth giving a chance. I have met several of his siblings and adore them all. I guess there was a part of me that thought things would change. He kid loves me, too. I will always love him but for now, it is time to truly try and move on. I couldn’t kiss him when he was here. That is the first  time that I haven’t wanted to kiss him since we met in January of 2016. I hate emotions sometimes. I am the one moving on. I am crazy about the ice cream guy. I can see a possible future with him.

Why am I crying so much over R? Maybe I loved him more than I realized. Maybe, it is fear of our future as friend. Maybe it is fear of change. He has been here for me for so long. Maybe it is because, he hasn’t found someone and I want him to be happy. I feel like I am abandoning him. His kid is with the mom now and his dog is dying slowly. I don’t want him to be alone. I do love him and always will. I want to be with the ice cream man now. I think there could be a future. Why was it so hard to let R go today? I felt like we were breaking up. He wiped my tears away and hugged me tighter. Maybe he had become a security blanket for me.  I don’t know but I have been crying off and on since he left my house.  I want us both to be happy. Love is so damn confusing.

I have been spending a bit of time with ex-bf/bff  lately. It has been so nice to have time with him alone. I have missed talking to him so much. I have mentioned that he and his girlfriend broke up the beginning of July and he also lost his dog the same week. I was worried about him for a bit but he seems to be doing well now. He has been going to some personal growth retreats and he is really working on getting over his baggage. I sure hope that someday he can truly find happiness with himself so he can find it with somebody else. I will always love him but, unfortunately, I cannot go back to him, even if he asked. We did fool around on my birthday. It was nice to be back in his arms and kiss him again. It would  have been easy to open my heart back to him but I refuse to. As I have said before, I believe that love is a choice. I won’t give my heart back to him at this point and I have told him that. I choose not to love him like that again unless he is ready to let me in. Even then, it would not be a given. I would have to really think about it. He would have to earn me back.  I love how honest we are with each other. I love that I can tell him these things and he tells me that he still worries about hurting me when he is with someone else.

Last weekend, we went on a hike to a natural hot springs. Yes, we soaked naked. It was so nice sitting next in the hot springs with the cold river flowing by.  We have talked so much about our growth since we split up. I know the things he has done and he asked me what I have done. He also thinks that some of what I say is just words because I still occasionally say that I want a man. I have explained to him that those times are actually few anymore. I like my space. I love my freedom. So many times, I hear couples on the street and think to myself how glad I am not to be in a relationship. Even as few as a few months ago, I would sometimes get sad when I saw a couple holding hands walking down the street. Now, I really feel nothing. Not anger and pity, like I felt right after my divorce. I was such a cynic and was sure that they were all making a mistake in trusting and loving. I also, not longer feel sad because I am alone. I feel happy for them and hope it lasts. I do sometimes wonder if I will ever find that BUT it is truly not a concern anymore.

So, what have I done to grow? I have been thinking about that since he asked. One is that I spend so much time alone that I can think. Most of my workday, I spend thinking about my life and reflecting. I also blog here. This is so good for me. Not only is it journaling but I get feedback and see my feelings are normal and others feel the same way. I read LOTS of books and blogs. I am exercising not just at work but weight lifting again. I have loved that since I was a teen and haven’t done for years. I love how it makes me feel mentally and physically.  I am also spending more time with friends and reconnecting with people. My birthday helped with that. When you are content with your life and yourself, a partner becomes less important.

One of the things that I thought about the other day is WHY am  I so content alone right now? Of course, there is the standard, I can do what I want, when I want, without anyone having any say or worrying about being criticized for my choices and feelings as I did for years. My big AHA moment came the other day though. I had been dwelling on this for days and it just popped into my head. For the first time in my life, I am taking care of ME only. I am 50 years old and don’t need to take care of anyone but me and my puppies. Of course, I am still here for my kids but I am my priority for the first time. It is such a free feeling. I can go hike with my ex-bf, get naked and sit in a hot spring. I can go have beer with a friend. I can sit on my couch naked and blog. I can go to bed at 7 or at midnight. I can have ice cream for breakfast or dinner, if I choose. I am fifty years old and feel better physically and mentally than I did at 35. I am healthier. I am fit. I am sexy. I am beautiful and strong. I am independent. I am not lonely at all. I plan to continue growing and getting better with age. We all should.

Recently I wrote a post about The men in my life  since my divorce. One of the “what ifs” was The raft guide. He and I met on POF almost a year after my divorce. Our first date, he drove out to my town to one of our few bars and we met for drinks. As usual, I was a bit nervous. I hadn’t dated much at this time. I had never hung out at this bar previously. It is a bit of a dive and my ex-husband and I never went out anywhere. I will always remember our first date. Oh my goodness, I laughed so much. I had a great time and could not wait to see him again. We really hit it off. Our next date, we went out to eat and ended up making out in the parking lot a bit. We quickly decided that we needed to be a couple. I actually loved every minute we had together. We would go out at times. We would play on the river. We would cuddle on the couch and rub each others feet. He was very kind and sweet BUT there was an issue. I was so damn insecure. As an avid rafter, he had trips planned before he met me. At the time, I didn’t know how hard it was to get permits for some of these trip. They sometimes are planned a year ahead. I had no idea the protocols. When he got ready and planned for a long trip and didn’t invite me, I was hurt. I didn’t know that part of the permits are who is going. I thought that he just wasn’t that into me. I needed to be the center of his world. I was so damn messed up and clingy. I ended it with him and regretted it almost immediately. We didn’t speak for a long time. He ignored my messages that I would send occasionally. Over three years, I sent maybe a dozen messages, saying hi. There were a few that told him I was sorry that I handled it improperly. One telling him I got a ducky for the river. I apologized to him and knew he would never talk tome again. I was so sad as he was so much FUN. I never stopped missing him.

When I started this job, I would occasionally run into him on the street and we would talk for a few minutes. It was always nice but I still missed really talking to him.  I wanted to be his friend and knew I had probably hurt him. When I signed back up on the dating site, he sent me a message telling me that I really am a good person. We started talking from that moment. I have no idea what the future holds. He says he is not looking for a relationship with anyone at this time but I have the friendship back. We have spent some time together, including paddling down the river this past weekend. It is nice to be hanging out with him again. I wish I had been ready when I had met him and we had taken it slower. Who knows where things would be now. I will never forget his original dating profile. He said he wanted to find someone to grow old with. He said he wanted to be one of those cute little old couples holding hands. That is really what I want, too. I do wonder if I blew it with him but his friendship is more important. He is the kind of man that is a good friend. Only time will tell what will happen here but I am glad he is back in my life. I have missed him a lot in the three years we were not talking.

I, once again, am baffled by humans. My friend, the ex-con, dumped me today as a friend. I have no idea what happened. When he first got his parole transfer to Arizona, I figured I would never hear from him again. Not only did I hear from him but he wanted me to come visit. I was in the process of planning a trip when he told me that he had met someone. We texted a few times after that but eventually, he quit texting. I sent him a message yesterday just saying that I hope he was doing well. He responded today yes and please don’t message him again. WOW. I am just baffled. Originally, I was quite hurt. I thought that we were friends. For several months,  I was his only friend outside the halfway house. We had fun together. I felt so comfortable with him. My guess is that the new gal doesn’t want him talking to me. That is fine but he could tell me that. I hate not having closure and not understanding why. I guess this was better than being ghosted. I told him that I would leave his life but would like to know why. I unfriended him and deleted the conversation and his number from my phone. I will never beg someone to stay in my life again and I deserve better than he gave me today. I did tell him that I was hurt before I said goodbye. In the final text, I told him that I had deleted everything and that he ever wanted to talk again that the ball was in his court. I will be surprised if I ever do hear from him. I do wish him well and have missed his friendship. I guess it is over now.   I don’t understand as it takes a LOT for me to dump a friend. There are only a few people in my life that I have ever cut out and I have tried to let them know why.

As I continue in this world single in my 40s soon to be 50s, I cannot help but wonder about the men  I am meeting and why nothing goes forward with any of them.

One thing is I am not desperate or needy so I am not chasing anyone. They have to put forth the effort or nothing is happening. A year ago, even less than that, it was not that way. I was making first moves, I was texting a guy if I was interested, sometimes too much, probably but now, if I don’t hear from them, I pretty much forget about them or occasionally wonder how they are doing. I do wonder if what I want is too much to ask.

I want a man that is attentive but not clingy.

I want a man that wants to be with me but is not obsessive.

I want a man that is ready for a relationship and is over his last one.

I want a man that has time for a relationship.

Ii want a man that thinks about me a lot but doesn’t need to text or call me every five minutes. I also want to think about him a lot but not feel the need to text him continuously.

I want a man that is comfortable if I don’t respond to a text immediately.

I want a man that I can trust.  I want a man that trusts me.

I want a man that takes care of himself but not one that has to look perfect all the time.

I want a man that thinks I am beautiful with or without doing my hair or makeup but appreciates it when i take the effort to do so. I guarantee when he dresses up and puts in the extra effort, I will appreciate that.

I want a man that can and will put me first (except in front of his children).

If he has children, I want him to be a good dad and have a good relationship with his children.

I want a man that can accept my kids and possibly grow to love them.

I want a man that is not afraid to show his emotions. Crying is NOT a weakness and real men DO cry.

I want a man that loves to be active but also is fine with sitting still and cuddling on the sofa for a night.

I want a man that wants to go out and play sometimes, more than just a movie.

I want a man that appreciates the finer things in life but is not a snob about it.

I want a man that is not embarrassed or concerned about appearances. I live in a double wide. It is a nice double wide on 3 1/2 acres in the Colorado Rockies. My ex-husband was embarrassed that is wasn’t a stick built home. I never understood that. I don’t need to look good to others. I may not live here forever, in fact, I probably won’t but it should not embarrass someone.

I want a man that can be silly but is also a grown up. You can’t be silly all the time.

I want a man that is a hard worker but knows that life is more than chores.

I want a man that is reliable and punctual. I want to be able to count on him to do what he says when. I am like that, I deserve the same.

I want a man that is not afraid too try new things.

I want a man that doesn’t need to be saved or fixed.

I want a gentleman but not a chauvinist.  Hold the doors, walk closer  to the cars on the street, give me flowers but also  be willing to let me be a strong independent woman and not try to control me.

I want a man that will want to know the real me and will let me know him.

I want a man that I can have intelligent conversations with and debate rationally if we disagree with each others views.  We can learn from each other that way.

I want a man that will spoil me from time to time. If he does, I will spoil him, too.

I want a man that will truly listen to and hear me and try to understand me.

I want a man that is willing to work through hard times and knows that love is worth it though not always easy.

I want a man that understands that a relationship will have its ups and downs and that you don’t always like each other but with hard work love can persevere. Love is a choice.

I want a man with intelligence. Formal education is not necessary to be intelligent.

Of course, I want the little things, good hygiene, teeth, job. It would be nice to have a man that likes to read, enjoys wine and beer, concerts, festivals, live music, dancing, football, motorcycles, skiing, hiking and is a nerd but none of those are necessary.

I want a non-religious and a progressive or liberal minded man.

I want a man that I can love that will love me. I want us to grow old together and be that cute old couple.  I guess I am too picky. Maybe not, only time will tell. Does this man exist? I am doubtful.

 

 

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