moving on


As I continue in this world single in my 40s soon to be 50s, I cannot help but wonder about the men  I am meeting and why nothing goes forward with any of them.

One thing is I am not desperate or needy so I am not chasing anyone. They have to put forth the effort or nothing is happening. A year ago, even less than that, it was not that way. I was making first moves, I was texting a guy if I was interested, sometimes too much, probably but now, if I don’t hear from them, I pretty much forget about them or occasionally wonder how they are doing. I do wonder if what I want is too much to ask.

I want a man that is attentive but not clingy.

I want a man that wants to be with me but is not obsessive.

I want a man that is ready for a relationship and is over his last one.

I want a man that has time for a relationship.

Ii want a man that thinks about me a lot but doesn’t need to text or call me every five minutes. I also want to think about him a lot but not feel the need to text him continuously.

I want a man that is comfortable if I don’t respond to a text immediately.

I want a man that I can trust.  I want a man that trusts me.

I want a man that takes care of himself but not one that has to look perfect all the time.

I want a man that thinks I am beautiful with or without doing my hair or makeup but appreciates it when i take the effort to do so. I guarantee when he dresses up and puts in the extra effort, I will appreciate that.

I want a man that can and will put me first (except in front of his children).

If he has children, I want him to be a good dad and have a good relationship with his children.

I want a man that can accept my kids and possibly grow to love them.

I want a man that is not afraid to show his emotions. Crying is NOT a weakness and real men DO cry.

I want a man that loves to be active but also is fine with sitting still and cuddling on the sofa for a night.

I want a man that wants to go out and play sometimes, more than just a movie.

I want a man that appreciates the finer things in life but is not a snob about it.

I want a man that is not embarrassed or concerned about appearances. I live in a double wide. It is a nice double wide on 3 1/2 acres in the Colorado Rockies. My ex-husband was embarrassed that is wasn’t a stick built home. I never understood that. I don’t need to look good to others. I may not live here forever, in fact, I probably won’t but it should not embarrass someone.

I want a man that can be silly but is also a grown up. You can’t be silly all the time.

I want a man that is a hard worker but knows that life is more than chores.

I want a man that is reliable and punctual. I want to be able to count on him to do what he says when. I am like that, I deserve the same.

I want a man that is not afraid too try new things.

I want a man that doesn’t need to be saved or fixed.

I want a gentleman but not a chauvinist.  Hold the doors, walk closer  to the cars on the street, give me flowers but also  be willing to let me be a strong independent woman and not try to control me.

I want a man that will want to know the real me and will let me know him.

I want a man that I can have intelligent conversations with and debate rationally if we disagree with each others views.  We can learn from each other that way.

I want a man that will spoil me from time to time. If he does, I will spoil him, too.

I want a man that will truly listen to and hear me and try to understand me.

I want a man that is willing to work through hard times and knows that love is worth it though not always easy.

I want a man that understands that a relationship will have its ups and downs and that you don’t always like each other but with hard work love can persevere. Love is a choice.

I want a man with intelligence. Formal education is not necessary to be intelligent.

Of course, I want the little things, good hygiene, teeth, job. It would be nice to have a man that likes to read, enjoys wine and beer, concerts, festivals, live music, dancing, football, motorcycles, skiing, hiking and is a nerd but none of those are necessary.

I want a non-religious and a progressive or liberal minded man.

I want a man that I can love that will love me. I want us to grow old together and be that cute old couple.  I guess I am too picky. Maybe not, only time will tell. Does this man exist? I am doubtful.

 

 

I have been absent for so long. I have been reading but honestly have had no time to write in weeks. I have been enjoying having the boy home from college and was also out of town for almost a week. I actually thought I would have time to write on the trip but I had absolutely no down time. I am hoping that things have settled down and I can start writing again at least once a week. Obviously, I am not going to talk about everything that has happened while gone so I will start with my latest first date.

I saw this guy on Plenty of Fish. He had an interesting profile and a great smile so I sent him a message. We talked for a couple of days and I took the bull by the horns and asked him if he wanted to meet. I am so tired of waiting for men to make the first move. We had a date set up for that upcoming Sunday which was also a huge event in our town. I had things to do prior to the date but I looked absolutely adorable. It was one of those times when you leave the house and you feel GOOD!!! I ran my errands and then was in town a bit early so I decided to go have a beer while I was waiting. I ran into a friend of mine and we were watching the local event when I got a text from the new guy- The Canadian. He was cancelling an hour prior to the date. After having three other men do that in the last year, I was a bit pissed. My friend and I ended up hanging out and I had a pity date. We had a good time but I was debating whether or not to give the new guy a second chance. He was very persistent and hopeful so I decided I would.  We went out the nigh before my trip and he is super sweet. I did not touch a door all night. He was quite a gentleman. He was well groomed, very polite, we had a lot in common. His teeth aren’t great but no one is perfect. When the date ended, we both had expressed our interest in having another date and that will be tomorrow night.

He has dual citizenship. Been married once, no kids, loves animals, liberal. We will have to see if there is anything there. Stay tuned……..

 

The other day as I was walking around town writing tickets, my thoughts kept going to the various men that I have met since my divorce. Some have brought lots of joy, some not so much. I have gone on a lot of first dates, several multiple dates, and even tried relationships with a couple of men. I was thinking about the effect they have had on my current life, my views on dating, my views on love, my mistakes with them, their mistakes with me. It can be very interesting when you spend most of your day alone. You have a lot of time to think.

There have been a few men that I barely remember meeting. I wouldn’t recognize them if I saw them again. Obviously, they didn’t make much of an impression and we only went on one date. There are a couple that made enough of an impression that I remember the date and why I didn’t like the guys. I don’t remember their names or what they look like.

There are a few that almost became special. They are the If Only’s……The builder was the first one that I dated. It was too early for both of us. He was going through his divorce. He is a wonderful man, that unfortunately is an alcoholic. We have remained friends. The Mechanic was a perfect gentleman but took it too far (to the point of being chauvinistic) and closed off to his emotions. Our last date we saw The Fault in Our Stars and he told  me that men don’t cry and that is why he didn’t at the movie. We do not have anything to do with each other now. The Engineer….oh how he makes smile. I think we would have really given it a go if he hadn’t lived on the other side of the mountain-300 miles away. We had a few months together meeting halfway between for the weekends when we could. We had so much fun together. We have remained friends. The raft guide was so much fun and I just wan’t ready yet. I blew that one. I think he really liked me but I was needing so much more than was healthy. I was clingy and felt insecure when he didn’t want to be with me all the time. I wish we had met later. I would give us a try again if he were willing. We talk when we see each other. I wish we could be at least friends.  I actually miss him a lot and think of him often.  Of course, there was the one I called Mr Perfect. I wrote about him this past fall. He became clingy way too fast. I wish all these men happiness and wonder IF with a few of them.

Then, of course, there is the ex-bf. I don’t think I was ready yet but he was so good for me. He truly taught me to love again and that I was lovable. He and I are still close and as much as it hurt to lose him, I will never regret our time together. R is wonderful. I have no idea what the future holds. I do know that he is still looking.

 

One of the most difficult thing I have found about dating is dating rebound men. I have had so many dates with men that I was their first date after their divorce or break up.  The first few guys I went out with all fit in this category. One was so not ready that he quickly ran. Another wanted to go too fast though he said he would never marry again. Ex-Bf and I became serious and were together for a while. I am still friends with all of them. One is alone and drinking way too much the other two are in pretty serious relationships now.

After going out with a few other guys that I was their rebound date, I have realized a few things. One is that I do NOT want to be the rebound girl again.  There are so many issues to deal with. I do not want to have to guide another man through the learning to date process and sex with a new woman again.  I do not want to be the first kiss for a man after twenty years again. They all act sixteen. Yes, I like sex now BUT that is not  what I want with most dates. I am more picky than that. Besides, I have found that “stage fright” is not unusual for them.  I remember how awkward it was to be a first time dater. First date, first kiss, first time being naked with someone besides my husband after 23 years. It is difficult for everyone but I no longer want to be the teacher. The last few first dates with rebound men have stopped at that. There was one real nice man that I got along with real well but I could tell that he wanted to move much faster than I wanted to. I have noticed that with most men that I have gone out with. Statistics actually show that men tend to remarry more quickly than women do. They either are so commitment-phobic that they just want to play the field or they want you to be their girlfriend in a week. The one I met and dated last fall was like that. Clingy after a couple of dates.

I am glad that I have reached a point of contentment without a man. I have hardly been dating (except for R) I have been off the dating sites for four months now. I haven’t met anyone new since Valentine’s Day and he was a rebounder. I am not going out with him again. He was way to handsy too fast. I am going to continue on the path I am on now and see where life takes me but for now, I really do not want to be the rebound girl again. He needs to be ready to date but not desperate to find love. He needs to have confidence in himself but not be cocky. He needs to be over his wife and not tell me how much he still loves her on our date. Yes, I had that happen. He needs to be looking for friendship and a companion that a relationship can build and grow over time.  He needs to be ready for ME.

You know this in this dating world we are all afraid of getting hurt again. We are all afraid of losing again. Occasionally,  we meet someone that catches our eye and we want to spend more time with them. How do we know when it’s worth taking the risk of exposing our heart to this person? Do we do it with our brains and logic? Do we look at the pros and the cons of the person? Will they be a good step parent? Will they like my dogs? Will my family like them? Will my kids like them? Will I like their family? Will their family like me? Do we just go with the emotions or a combination of both?

When I start having that person be the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of before I go to bed, I realize maybe they are worth the chance. When that person enters my thoughts several times during the day that’s a big sign that they are worth the chance. When I get excited when I see their car or think I see their car, it’s a pretty big sign that I’m crazy about that person. When this person accepts you 100% the way you are. Is that enough to make them worth the risk?  What if they tell you that they don’t feel the same way about you but their actions show otherwise? Should you stick around and see what happens? Should you wait? Should you give up? That is so hard to do when your day is better just by merely being in their presence.

But then the damn brain gets in the way it starts thinking about the logistics of the relationship if it were to go further. If you were to become a long term couple,  where would you live? What about finances? Holidays? Bills? All those couple things….When you start thinking of those things it makes it absolutely terrifying to try to go forward. How would it be to deal with all those things and then you don’t work out? You have to divide everything up again. You get hurt. Your kids, their kids get hurt. You miss their kids. Your kids miss them. YOU miss them. These are all  real fears and concerns. Should we let those fears and concerns let us keep that wall around our hearts to protect us? Are these the reasons we don’t give love a chance? Should we tear down the wall and take a chance? Love has no guarantees and no refunds. Probably more times than not, we get hurt when we try to love and trust so why do we keep trying?

We keep trying because that person makes our lives better. We keep trying because when we have a bad day, the only thing we want is to have that person be with you and hold you. We keep trying because this life can be so much better not alone. Life can be good alone but with a partner, a TRUE partner, is is even better. I am very happy in my life right now. I have a job that I love, great friends, an active social life, a wonderful family but, nights like tonight, I want a partner. I want someone to hold me and tell me things will be okay. I want someone to love me. I am so ready to give him a chance and he is not running so I guess there is a chance. I am ready.

I met the Banker almost a year ago. I don’t remember if I have mentioned him much or not. I had actually gone on a couple of dates with a bartender at a local restaurant and was visiting him at work and having the fabulous blood orange margaritas when the banker came in. He came in to get a gift certificate for a client and the three of us ended up talking for a few minutes.  The next  day I was working and this young-looking guy walks with me for a few blocks and asks if I was the one at the bar the night before. He said then that he would love to buy  me one of those margaritas someday. I was flattered and said that would be nice but thought he was super young. We didn’t exchange names but he obviously knew where I worked so he knew how to find me if he really did want to take me out. Months went by without seeing him again and then we ran into each other again. I asked him when he was going to buy me that drink. We set up a date for the next week. I knew NOTHING about him except his appearance. This was unusual as until then, most of my dates I had met through dating sites. We met at the restaurant where we met and I figured that as soon as he found out my age, it would be over. I figured he was in his early thirties. I was pleasantly surprised how the date went. First of all, he is in his forties and we actually had a lot in common. I really wanted to see him again. I should have known real quickly to step away from him. He would go weeks without contacting me but when I would see him, he would act very happy to see me. We actually went on a couple more dates but very spaced out in time. I knew he was dating another woman, too. No big deal to me. I was seeing other men. He wasn’t in a committment with anyone. Occasionally, I would mention to him that he obviously wasn’t interested as he would not contact me and then he would back pedal and tell me that he was but was a “mess”. I think I finally figured him out the other night. Last Monday, we had what I expect to be our last date. Once again, we had a good time. We have a lot to talk about. He is nice, good-looking, smart, and meets most of what is important to me in a man BUT he is definitely not ready for anything. He has been divorced a little less than I have been and has two younger kids. I know he is not married anymore and is not lying to me. I have been to his place and he has been to mine. He adopted kittens from me for his kids. The other woman he has been seeing is a teacher at his kid’s school and “is good with the kids”. I can tell that he is not that into her either but I think that maybe he is looking for a new mom for them. He actually mentioned to me recently basically that I was done with kids so would not want to take more on. There is some truth to that BUT that is not a deal breaker for me. I have dated a few men with kids. Yes, the freedom of dating a man without kids is great but I will date a man with kids. If I fall for a guy with kids and we end up together, the kid(s) are part of the package and I am sure I can love the kids if I love the dad. I told him after Monday night that I had a good time but would leave him alone.  He once again apologized for being a mess. I actually feel for the guy and the other gal. She is younger and will probably want kids of her own, which I know he doesn’t want. I mentioned that to him and he said he knew that was a possible issue but since she is so good with the kids that he feels that he should give them a chance. That is NOT a reason to date someone. I feel that he is making a mistake that in the long run will hurt all four of them. I am stepping back and going forward I am not waiting for him just like I am not waiting for R to figure things out. I am just glad that I haven’t gotten too attached to the banker. I wish him luck and future happiness.

It has been a crazy but fun week for me. This is my first night home in nine nights. It has been a good week but crazy.  I have had two nights with R that have been wonderful. I met another of his siblings last night. Once again, I felt instantly comfortable with him. We had a night of fun and my feelings for R are growing every time we are together.  I enjoy being with him and his family. I am quite scared of my feelings especially since he doesn’t seem to be able to reciprocate them. He treats me fabulously, he cares about me. I know that. I just don’t know if he will ever let himself love me. I did tell him last night, after one too many drinks, that I love him. I also asked him to please let me know if his feelings ever change. I sometimes wonder if the reason we do not go forward is his responsibilities and his fear. I have a hard time believing that I am not more to him than he admits or he wouldn’t keep introducing me to his family.

I have such mixed emotions on how to handle our relationship. There is a part of me that wants to run away to protect myself.  There is a part of me that so wants us to become a couple and give us a chance. I am not in a hurry for anything to go forward. No one can say we have rushed anything if we do ever end up together. We met fifteen months ago. He is the reason I actually finally quit seeing ex-bf. We had been FWB for a while and when I met R, I knew I had met someone special that deserved a chance to get into my heart.

We have quit seeing each other a few times but we always seem to find our way back together. I don’t believe in soulmates or that people can be meant to be together. Why can’t we stay away from each other? For me, well, I finally admit to myself that I have grown to love him but since the feelings are not reciprocated, I keep looking and hoping that either his feelings will change or that I find someone new to give a chance to, My life is good and I am content with our relationship being this way for now. Someday it will either come to an end romantically or we will go forward. This is an interesting journey. I wonder where is will end up.

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