post-divorce


As I continue in this world single in my 40s soon to be 50s, I cannot help but wonder about the men  I am meeting and why nothing goes forward with any of them.

One thing is I am not desperate or needy so I am not chasing anyone. They have to put forth the effort or nothing is happening. A year ago, even less than that, it was not that way. I was making first moves, I was texting a guy if I was interested, sometimes too much, probably but now, if I don’t hear from them, I pretty much forget about them or occasionally wonder how they are doing. I do wonder if what I want is too much to ask.

I want a man that is attentive but not clingy.

I want a man that wants to be with me but is not obsessive.

I want a man that is ready for a relationship and is over his last one.

I want a man that has time for a relationship.

Ii want a man that thinks about me a lot but doesn’t need to text or call me every five minutes. I also want to think about him a lot but not feel the need to text him continuously.

I want a man that is comfortable if I don’t respond to a text immediately.

I want a man that I can trust.  I want a man that trusts me.

I want a man that takes care of himself but not one that has to look perfect all the time.

I want a man that thinks I am beautiful with or without doing my hair or makeup but appreciates it when i take the effort to do so. I guarantee when he dresses up and puts in the extra effort, I will appreciate that.

I want a man that can and will put me first (except in front of his children).

If he has children, I want him to be a good dad and have a good relationship with his children.

I want a man that can accept my kids and possibly grow to love them.

I want a man that is not afraid to show his emotions. Crying is NOT a weakness and real men DO cry.

I want a man that loves to be active but also is fine with sitting still and cuddling on the sofa for a night.

I want a man that wants to go out and play sometimes, more than just a movie.

I want a man that appreciates the finer things in life but is not a snob about it.

I want a man that is not embarrassed or concerned about appearances. I live in a double wide. It is a nice double wide on 3 1/2 acres in the Colorado Rockies. My ex-husband was embarrassed that is wasn’t a stick built home. I never understood that. I don’t need to look good to others. I may not live here forever, in fact, I probably won’t but it should not embarrass someone.

I want a man that can be silly but is also a grown up. You can’t be silly all the time.

I want a man that is a hard worker but knows that life is more than chores.

I want a man that is reliable and punctual. I want to be able to count on him to do what he says when. I am like that, I deserve the same.

I want a man that is not afraid too try new things.

I want a man that doesn’t need to be saved or fixed.

I want a gentleman but not a chauvinist.  Hold the doors, walk closer  to the cars on the street, give me flowers but also  be willing to let me be a strong independent woman and not try to control me.

I want a man that will want to know the real me and will let me know him.

I want a man that I can have intelligent conversations with and debate rationally if we disagree with each others views.  We can learn from each other that way.

I want a man that will spoil me from time to time. If he does, I will spoil him, too.

I want a man that will truly listen to and hear me and try to understand me.

I want a man that is willing to work through hard times and knows that love is worth it though not always easy.

I want a man that understands that a relationship will have its ups and downs and that you don’t always like each other but with hard work love can persevere. Love is a choice.

I want a man with intelligence. Formal education is not necessary to be intelligent.

Of course, I want the little things, good hygiene, teeth, job. It would be nice to have a man that likes to read, enjoys wine and beer, concerts, festivals, live music, dancing, football, motorcycles, skiing, hiking and is a nerd but none of those are necessary.

I want a non-religious and a progressive or liberal minded man.

I want a man that I can love that will love me. I want us to grow old together and be that cute old couple.  I guess I am too picky. Maybe not, only time will tell. Does this man exist? I am doubtful.

 

 

I have been absent for so long. I have been reading but honestly have had no time to write in weeks. I have been enjoying having the boy home from college and was also out of town for almost a week. I actually thought I would have time to write on the trip but I had absolutely no down time. I am hoping that things have settled down and I can start writing again at least once a week. Obviously, I am not going to talk about everything that has happened while gone so I will start with my latest first date.

I saw this guy on Plenty of Fish. He had an interesting profile and a great smile so I sent him a message. We talked for a couple of days and I took the bull by the horns and asked him if he wanted to meet. I am so tired of waiting for men to make the first move. We had a date set up for that upcoming Sunday which was also a huge event in our town. I had things to do prior to the date but I looked absolutely adorable. It was one of those times when you leave the house and you feel GOOD!!! I ran my errands and then was in town a bit early so I decided to go have a beer while I was waiting. I ran into a friend of mine and we were watching the local event when I got a text from the new guy- The Canadian. He was cancelling an hour prior to the date. After having three other men do that in the last year, I was a bit pissed. My friend and I ended up hanging out and I had a pity date. We had a good time but I was debating whether or not to give the new guy a second chance. He was very persistent and hopeful so I decided I would.  We went out the nigh before my trip and he is super sweet. I did not touch a door all night. He was quite a gentleman. He was well groomed, very polite, we had a lot in common. His teeth aren’t great but no one is perfect. When the date ended, we both had expressed our interest in having another date and that will be tomorrow night.

He has dual citizenship. Been married once, no kids, loves animals, liberal. We will have to see if there is anything there. Stay tuned……..

 

The other day as I was walking around town writing tickets, my thoughts kept going to the various men that I have met since my divorce. Some have brought lots of joy, some not so much. I have gone on a lot of first dates, several multiple dates, and even tried relationships with a couple of men. I was thinking about the effect they have had on my current life, my views on dating, my views on love, my mistakes with them, their mistakes with me. It can be very interesting when you spend most of your day alone. You have a lot of time to think.

There have been a few men that I barely remember meeting. I wouldn’t recognize them if I saw them again. Obviously, they didn’t make much of an impression and we only went on one date. There are a couple that made enough of an impression that I remember the date and why I didn’t like the guys. I don’t remember their names or what they look like.

There are a few that almost became special. They are the If Only’s……The builder was the first one that I dated. It was too early for both of us. He was going through his divorce. He is a wonderful man, that unfortunately is an alcoholic. We have remained friends. The Mechanic was a perfect gentleman but took it too far (to the point of being chauvinistic) and closed off to his emotions. Our last date we saw The Fault in Our Stars and he told  me that men don’t cry and that is why he didn’t at the movie. We do not have anything to do with each other now. The Engineer….oh how he makes smile. I think we would have really given it a go if he hadn’t lived on the other side of the mountain-300 miles away. We had a few months together meeting halfway between for the weekends when we could. We had so much fun together. We have remained friends. The raft guide was so much fun and I just wan’t ready yet. I blew that one. I think he really liked me but I was needing so much more than was healthy. I was clingy and felt insecure when he didn’t want to be with me all the time. I wish we had met later. I would give us a try again if he were willing. We talk when we see each other. I wish we could be at least friends.  I actually miss him a lot and think of him often.  Of course, there was the one I called Mr Perfect. I wrote about him this past fall. He became clingy way too fast. I wish all these men happiness and wonder IF with a few of them.

Then, of course, there is the ex-bf. I don’t think I was ready yet but he was so good for me. He truly taught me to love again and that I was lovable. He and I are still close and as much as it hurt to lose him, I will never regret our time together. R is wonderful. I have no idea what the future holds. I do know that he is still looking.

 

and I felt great!! If you have read my old posts, you would  know what a mess I was. I was suffering from chronic pain for years. I thought that I was going to be in pain every day for the rest of my life. Getting older  scared the hell out of me. I was depressed and suicidal. I was actually working on a plan. I had started getting better when the ex-husband filed for divorce. At that point, I remember standing in my bedroom  door and telling him that he was not going to send me there again. I had come too far at that time and did NOT want to go backwards. It has been a long and difficult journey but I am healthier both physically and mentally than I have been in probably fifteen years.

The person I ran into was my former therapist from when I was going through the divorce. I haven’t seen her in a few years. Last time I saw her, I was having anxiety attacks for the  first time in my life. I  was such a mess. The divorce wasn’t over yet but I only got eight free sessions and couldn’t afford to go back. The next year, I chose not to. We talked for a bit and I filled her in on the past four years. She told me she couldn’t believe how good I looked. She actually stated that I look ten years younger. We finished our conversation with a hug and the tears started flowing.

As I walked away, I realized how good that felt. She was the person that I had shared everything with and I was able to honestly tell her how happy I currently am. I had nothing negative to tell her except the normal money and worry about your kids stress. It is so nice to have that be the only thing that I worry about.

I heard this song on the way home this morning. Stayed with R as he was sick. I hate being alone when sick. The words resonated with me. I think so many of us feel the same way. We want to admit love but we are scared of it. I am sure I have heard this song before but with music, it hits us differently at different stages of our lives.

I don’t know how to love him.
What to do, how to move him.
I’ve been changed, yes really changed.
In these past few days, when I’ve seen myself,

I seem like someone else.
I don’t know how to take this.
I don’t see why he moves me.
He’s a man. He’s just a man.

And I’ve had so many men before,
In very many ways,
He’s just one more.
Should I bring him down?

Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love,
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I’d come to this.

What’s it all about?
Don’t you think it’s rather funny,
I should be in this position.
I’m the one who’s always been

So calm, so cool, no lover’s fool,
Running every show.
He scares me so.
I never thought I’d come to this.

What’s it all about?
Yet, if he said he loved me,
I’d be lost. I’d be frightened.
I couldn’t cope, just couldn’t cope.

I’d turn my head. I’d back away.
I wouldn’t want to know.
He scares me so.
I want him so.

Read more: Andrew Lloyd Webber – I Don’t Know How To Love Him Lyrics | MetroLyrics

I have spoken about different types of men and the difficulties in dating them: Men that have had serial marriages and ones with young kids. Another one that actually terrifies me possibly more than the others is one that has never had a long term commitment. When I was on the dating sites, I realized that so many men had never had a relationship longer than a year or  two and  were in there forties. For me, I couldn’t help but wonder WHY they have never been committed to someone. Can they not make that step? Would a man like that be worth giving a try?

For me, everyone that I have met in this category seems unable  to  make the step. The latest is the glass cutter. We actually met on a dating site about three years ago. We talked about meeting and really hit it off. Next thing I knew, he was engaged to another woman and dropped me as a friend on Facebook. Several months ago, we finally met in person as we have mutual friends. He never married that other gal.

He is so much fun to be with. We enjoy each others company. We have not gone beyond friendship at all. We had lunch together a couple of  times and one date. He actually texted me and told me that he really liked me but got tongue tied with me and is intimidated of me. After spending some time together, he basically told me that it isn’t worth the risk of getting hurt. We have become good friends in the past few months and I enjoy his company but he has shown me that for at least him, I was accurate in my trepidation of trying to date a man that has never had a commitment.

One of the most difficult thing I have found about dating is dating rebound men. I have had so many dates with men that I was their first date after their divorce or break up.  The first few guys I went out with all fit in this category. One was so not ready that he quickly ran. Another wanted to go too fast though he said he would never marry again. Ex-Bf and I became serious and were together for a while. I am still friends with all of them. One is alone and drinking way too much the other two are in pretty serious relationships now.

After going out with a few other guys that I was their rebound date, I have realized a few things. One is that I do NOT want to be the rebound girl again.  There are so many issues to deal with. I do not want to have to guide another man through the learning to date process and sex with a new woman again.  I do not want to be the first kiss for a man after twenty years again. They all act sixteen. Yes, I like sex now BUT that is not  what I want with most dates. I am more picky than that. Besides, I have found that “stage fright” is not unusual for them.  I remember how awkward it was to be a first time dater. First date, first kiss, first time being naked with someone besides my husband after 23 years. It is difficult for everyone but I no longer want to be the teacher. The last few first dates with rebound men have stopped at that. There was one real nice man that I got along with real well but I could tell that he wanted to move much faster than I wanted to. I have noticed that with most men that I have gone out with. Statistics actually show that men tend to remarry more quickly than women do. They either are so commitment-phobic that they just want to play the field or they want you to be their girlfriend in a week. The one I met and dated last fall was like that. Clingy after a couple of dates.

I am glad that I have reached a point of contentment without a man. I have hardly been dating (except for R) I have been off the dating sites for four months now. I haven’t met anyone new since Valentine’s Day and he was a rebounder. I am not going out with him again. He was way to handsy too fast. I am going to continue on the path I am on now and see where life takes me but for now, I really do not want to be the rebound girl again. He needs to be ready to date but not desperate to find love. He needs to have confidence in himself but not be cocky. He needs to be over his wife and not tell me how much he still loves her on our date. Yes, I had that happen. He needs to be looking for friendship and a companion that a relationship can build and grow over time.  He needs to be ready for ME.

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