new relationships


Last weekend, I went on a short ice cream date when I went to visit my son. My son was at an event so I figured I would do something. The guy talked about how much he hated various things and ended up making a very racist remark to me and then told me how he is not racist. I left that “date” once again wondering why I even bother anymore. I love my life. Most of the time I am not lonely. Do I really want to bring someone into my life that is going to take my time away from the things that are important to me? From what I have seen since I started dating it most men want to change us into who they want us to be. I am not “good enough” for them for whatever reason OR they are not right for me. I keep meeting men that are religious (even though I am very clear that I won’t date a religious man), crude,  or needy. Is it so much to ask to find a man that is non-religious. We are now a large part of the community. Is it so much to ask to find a man that can speak in proper English (most of the time), reads books, listens to music, is athletic and takes care of himself and cares for humanity? He doesn’t have to match me 100% but there are some things that are very important to me. I want him to have teeth. I want him to be well kept. I don’t want to be with a fat man that does not take care of himself. I walk almost ten miles a day for work. I also do karate 2 times a week. I hike on weekends. I kayak, I love football. I do drink but can have fun without it. I ski. I don’t want a partner that wants to sit on his ass and watch TV all the time, though I do love to watch television and movies. I read a lot. I would love to have someone to share books and discuss books with. I am very liberal so a Trump supporter does not fit in my life but many of them ask me out because I am cute. I am fifty years old but don’t look it. I am about 120 pounds trying to gain muscle mass but I want more than a physical relationship. I want to be physically attracted to my partner. It would be great to find someone to go to Comic Con with, as well as brew fests, film festivals, and wine festivals. I have gotten so I am comfortable going by myself. Is that a good or bad thing. I am finding that the longer that I am single and alone, the less tolerant I am of partner issues. Last weekend, my mom and daughter also came to visit my son. We had four of us trying to decide where to eat. I am so used to making decisions without anyone’s input anymore. I was really having a hard time with the indecision. Finally I just said that I didn’t care where I went. I would have a beer at one place and a margarita at the other. That was when my mom finally put in an opinion. For breakfast the next day, I just made a decision. Will I ever be able to let someone completely into my life again? One of my concerns with men I meet are ones that have never been in a long relationship because I am afraid that they will not be able to handle the changes of one. Am I becoming that person? Am I doomed to be my mother and single the rest of my life? I love who I am and how I am growing in independence daily but it scares me, also. There are days or moments that I am lonely sometimes lonely as hell. Days that I just want someone to love me. Today is one of them. Here is it Mother’s Day and I am all alone. I have three great kids but they are grown. I am no longer the focus of their lives, as it should be. The oldest had the morning with her boyfriend and is at home 300 miles away right now. The middle one that lives with me had to work today. The youngest hasn’t come home for the summer from college yet.  I have spent the day doing chores in my house but not as much as I should have. Most of the day has been spent paying bills and watching Shanarrah Chronicles. I started drinking margarita’s a drink ago. It would have been nice to not be alone today. Tomorrow is a quiet day but then Tuesday through Thursday, I go non-stop. I get up, go to work, and eat all day. After work, I either have my karate class or my atheist meeting. By Friday, I am usually exhausted so if I have no plans that night, I am actually usually relieved but going out for an hour or two after work is not a terrible thing. Saturday is my errand day if I stay in town. I also take an hour or two to sit at Starbucks with a coffee, a book, and my pup (outside patio). I really enjoy my Saturdays. Sometimes, I go on a hike or something like that instead.

I think I am just needing to accept being alone.It is so much easier and there are so many frogs out there. I haven’t found anyone worth my time in almost a year and he ghosted me after four weeks of telling me how much he liked me. I am not sure it is worth the risk and pain anymore. I can take care of myself. Financially is a struggle but it is getting better.  I refuse to let loneliness take over my life so I will stay busy and active. If someone decent enters my life, I hope I can accept him in.

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I know that I have mentioned before that I am too busy to date and now it is becoming an issue. The photographer and I have gone out a few more times. We spent one lovely day together. Took his Porsche to a neighboring town, had lunch, soaked in the hot springs, then had a nice dinner. During lunch, he told me that he is developing feelings for me and would like to see if things develop. We haven’t been out since because of our schedules. I am still not sure if I want to date him. I really enjoy his company but am not physically attracted to him. We also have a problem that he is a spontaneous person. I live 40 minutes from town. I need to know what my plans are before I leave my house in the morning. It affects how I dress, do my hair, if I put on make up, if I need to plan dinner. I also have pets that need to be taken care of so I need to make sure the roommate (my adult child) will be able to take care of them. If I am coming straight home after work, I tend to just throw on a pair of jeans and t-shirt. I change into a uniform when I get to work and then come home in the same jeans and t shirt. There are times that I leave my house thinking that I might go out and will prepare accordingly BUT for the most part, I am a planner. I know what I am doing every night this week after work and will have my weekend planned by Thursday night. The photographer will contact me at four during a weeknight and want to go out that night. By then, if I don’t have plans to go out, I have plans to go home and chill. My mindset is on relaxing. I walk over ten miles a day at work. I cannot go out every night. I need to sleep a lot to give my muscles time to recover. I can be spontaneous if I know I am spending the time with the person and we can play things by ear. That is what we did on that date three weeks ago. I just need to do some planning. In the mean time, I have had a few real quiet weekends and have gotten so I really am enjoying my own company more than ever. I did have a nice night with R this weekend but for the most part, I have not been dating and am very comfortable with that.

 

I have come to the conclusion that I am too damn busy to date. In the past few weeks, I have had a total of three days with nothing on my calendar. Even if I had found someone that I am interested in, it would be difficult to find the time that would be fair to him or me. On the other hand, there is the part of me that knows if I found someone I was interested in, I would probably find the time.

I work from 8-5 every day and walk about 25,000 steps so I don’t tend to want to go out late on weekdays. If I go out on a weekday, I want it to be an early night. If I go out on a date, it won’t be a long one. It is good for an out with a first date but if things were to progress…….. well, maybe not so much if I want real time with the guy.  My schedule is nuts. Tuesdays and Thursdays I am in karate again. Three Wednesdays a month I have standing plans. Two of them are game night until 8 at the local winery and the other one is my Skeptic and Atheist Meeting. That leaves four nights and two days. I need time to do housework, time to chill, time for blogging, etc.  In the past few weeks I have ushered at the college concert hall twice, I have had dinner with a couple  of friends, The #Metoo march, movie with  my kid and R and his kid, and I am volunteering at the local film festival for the next few days. The next month doesn’t look as busy right now but my life is very busy and full.  I wonder if I can find the time if I find a real man that has possibility?

I wonder how others handle this. I love my alone time. I love my independence. I love being able to binge on a show with no guilt. I love being able to go in the kitchen and cook what I want when I want. I hate to be alone forever due to the fact that I have a life.

Just before the holiday, I decided to sign back up on the dating sites. I admit that my timing was terrible. I didn’t take the time to do much responding but have been talking to a few guys.

One guy seemed real nice. We chatted quite a bit and I thought that we were hitting it off. We discussed having drinks after work one day and then he disappeared. The day after we were supposed to meet (date had been set but not time or place), I heard from him. He apologized profusely and stated life had been hectic. Since my life can be that way, I understood. I ran into him downtown, we said hi, hugged, had one more text and then I haven’t heard from him for two weeks.  I have no idea why I was ghosted but am getting used to this.

I had a date last night with another guy that I had been chatting with.   I was really looking forward to meeting him.He seemed so personable via chatting BUT, in person, he was so dull and there were some red flags.  He was nice but I have no desire to see him again. Unfortunately, he wants to see me again so I need to find a way to let him down. I hate hurting people’s feelings.

I had a lunch date today with another man that I have been chatting with. To be honest, I wasn’t at all interested in him but have decided to be more open and give more men a chance. I almost cancelled at the last minute but decided that would be rude. He showed up and I immediately noticed he was older looking and heavier than his profile pictures but he was very nice. We had a very nice lunch and I enjoyed my date very much. I do not see anything happening with it but maybe a new friend but it was still a nice time. We had enough in common to enjoy each others company BUT I think we both felt the same after the date.

I have been chatting with a few more men that have just baffled me. One yesterday lives a couple of states away. After a couple of texts, he asked it we had a chance. I told him that we knew nothing about each other yet so he sent me photos of his nice body. He wouldn’t answer direct questions about him, his values, beliefs, or anything. He just kept asking if we had a chance. Needless to say, he is now blocked. A guy a shared a couple of messages with today went from hello to sexual innuendos after 3 texts. A third guy a few weeks ago kept telling me about how large he was and how well he could satisfy me. I can’t help but wonder if these guys really have luck with this approach with anyone.

Needless to day, my first few weeks of trying to date again are not going well. It is a good thing that I am not needing a man to be happy. I will trudge on and see what happens.

Life has been a bit busy and crazy for the past few weeks. I thought about blogging many times and about many things BUT just have not been taking the time. I have 24 more hours with my son home and I have been enjoying every moment we have had together. I also have been doing a lot of reading and self reflection. One of the first guys I dated after my divorce was the most positive person that I have ever met. I asked him how he could always be so positive and he told me that it was because of this book by Tony Robbins that he read.

I have finally been reading this book after almost four years. I will go into it a bit in a later blog but I wanted to share one major thing that I have realized. I am GLAD that I have been alone mostly for the past five years. It has enabled me to grow. It has enabled me to learn who I really am. Time (and this book) have given me the ambition to set goals again. My life had been, for so long, all about our kids, our marriage, his career. Our kids are grown, our marriage is over and his career doesn’t affect me anymore. I have not been focusing on goals for years now. If I had stayed in the relationship with BFF or gotten serious with someone else, my focus would have become on them, their wishes, their lives, etc. This has been a great time of growth for ME and maybe, eventually, I will be able to let someone back in that fits into MY GOALS. I truly love myself and enjoy my own company. I am setting my own goals and have my own dreams now all because I have taken the time to get to know me- post marriage.

When the ex-bf and I were having our disagreement, I realized how much I have grown confident in myself and less dependent on wanting or needing a man. Here he was dating (or trying to date someone that I highly disapprove of) and R was in Moscow meeting a gal that he had met on the dating site. A year ago, I would have wondered why I wasn’t enough for either of them but instead, I thought that neither of them were making wise moves. I do not want either of them to be taken advantage of or hurt. Going overseas to meet a partner has risks that you don’t have dating someone here already. I know there are a lot of people that marry someone to come to this country. I used to see it a lot when I was in the Philippines. I hope that if R, ends up with this gal, that she is not one of those women. Ex-bf…..I think he has stopped the actions he was doing. I hope he has. There was potential of a woman really scamming him for money.

There you have it, the two men that have meant the most to me in the past few years, both moving on and seeing other women and I was upset, not because they didn’t choose me but because I was worried about their hearts and happiness. I can let them both move on to another woman. I just hope that no matter what, we can remain friends. They both have been so important to me and my family. I trust them both with my life. You cannot say that about many people.

I have been reminded of why I fell in love with ex-bf. I have told him that I am not just jumping into a relationship with him again. I told him that I am scared to.

Last week, we went out for Halloween. I absolutely love Halloween and he doesn’t. He still dressed up. We were Danny and Sandy from Grease. We went out for dinner and then for drinks. We discussed when to go in for the night and he took my hands and told me that he knows how important it was for me so we could stay out as long as I wanted. I was staying with him that night. It was the first time in over a year that I was staying with him. I was looking forward to snuggling and his company. We have always been so good together.  When we got back to his place, he drew me a bath and lit candles. While the water was running he massaged my feet. He had James Taylor playing. When I got in the bath, he massaged my shoulders, back, and neck and then he read me love poems.

Damn him. I thought that I was over him. I realized that night that I am not. I felt like I had gone home. I am not jumping into a relationship or commitment with him. I told him last night that I trust him with everything except  my heart. He wants to know how to fix that. I told him time. It took us over a year to break up. We have been apart for 15 months and it is just like nothing changed. I am so comfortable with him. This is going to be interesting. I am ready for the ride and to where it goes. I wonder if he can really truly love me this time. I know he loves me but can he get to where he needs to be to stay with me?

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