love


I adore ice cream guy when I am with him but when I am not, I am constantly trying to talk myself out of liking him. I know in my head that he is not the right guy long term and it stinks. We so enjoy our time together BUT he is the most unsocial person that I know. He won’t even consider going to my game nights with me.  I thought it was just because he isn’t a gamer but then he also won’t even consider going to Rocky Horror Live. Again, I figured Rocky wasn’t his thing. I then invited him to a party for Halloween and he also said no, not his thing. He doesn’t like things with crowds or small talk. I spent the last ten years of my marriage wanting to do things and the ex wouldn’t. I am now comfortable doing things by myself but do I want to forever? No, not really. We did discuss this a little and I think we both know this  is a long term problem

He also is more broke than I am. I am not looking for a sugar daddy or a man to support me but one that can afford to do something occasionally would be nice. He also doesn’t seem to follow through on things. We were supposed to go on a trip to Moab. I told him that I wanted to go on a trip and he said that would be fun and asked if he could come along. I thought that would be great. Since he  knows the area, he started looking for a place to stay and we talked about options a few times. The trip was supposed to be last weekend. We didn’t go anywhere. We were supposed to go ice skating today. I asked him to find out when the open skate was since it was something that he really wanted to do. He checked less than an hour before it started. I live 45 minutes away so that was unable to be there. It is now seven PM on Saturday night and I am home alone. This is my third weekend in a row not doing anything. He did come over last Friday night but except for a few minutes after work a couple of nights this week, I haven’t had any time with him since. I guess I was seeing something that wasn’t there. I haven’t even heard from him since I told him that tomorrows time is not good for me. I wish he wasn’t so great when we are together but I know I need more than he is currently giving me. I don’t know if he will ever be willing or able to give me more.

In the mean time, I am receiving text from other men wanting to spend time with me, including BF/ex-bf. We actually had a night out last night. We talked about US. He is wanting to spend time together again.I had to tell him that I cannot let myself fall in love with him again if he cannot love me. He asked me why I said that. I think he is truly thinking about trying again. I will always love him. He has never hurt me. I trust him implicitly. My kids love him. He is part of the family. I am terrified to give us a chance again and told him so. I did stay with him last night and we snuggled all night. It felt like being home.

I think that I am going to stick with being single for a while and just see what happens. I really don’t want to answer to anyone or have anyone have any control of me and my activities. It is easier to be alone and make my own decisions an just enjoy my life with whom I want to be with when  want to be with them. I actually thought that there was hope with the ice cream guy and I am really disappointed that I was wrong but I would rather learn that now than after I am fully invested in him. Time to move on again.

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Something hit me this morning about me and my relationship with the ice cream man. In previous relationships, I have said that I felt that they made me feel pretty, smart, sexy, happy, etc. How many of us say that at time? I think it is a standard thing to feel . I was thinking about him and how he makes me feel. He does not make me feel any of those things and that is not bad.

I already feel all those things. I love the way he looks at me. I love the way he lights up when he sees me. I love that he thinks I am beautiful, smart, strong, and sexy but I also love that I feel that way already and not because of him. I guess I am actually healthy enough to be loved as I finally love myself.

i feel pretty

I am so surprised by my emotions today. R is such a wonderful man He owns a carpet cleaning business and even though we haven’t been a couple in so long, came over to do my bedroom for free. I actually asked him how much and he said he wouldn’t charge me. Today, he comes over on his day off and cleans my bedroom and my sofa and futon in the Bronco/TV room.

We sit down afterwards and have some lemonade  and talk. He asks me about the ice cream man. That is what everyone has dubbed the new guy so I guess that is his moniker here. I told him a little as how well things are going. We chatted a bit and then he packed up his equipment and we hugged. I told him that I love him and for the first time he told me the same. I just started crying and told him that I know. I have always known. Damn, I am such a big baby. We dated for about four weeks in winter of 2016. I knew we didn’t have a future very early as he told me that something was missing and he didn’t  know what. We have had so many good times but we have never really been a couple. He is one of the best people that I have ever known. It is difficult to move on but it is time. He dated someone else for a couple of months this summer and I finally met someone worth giving a chance. I have met several of his siblings and adore them all. I guess there was a part of me that thought things would change. He kid loves me, too. I will always love him but for now, it is time to truly try and move on. I couldn’t kiss him when he was here. That is the first  time that I haven’t wanted to kiss him since we met in January of 2016. I hate emotions sometimes. I am the one moving on. I am crazy about the ice cream guy. I can see a possible future with him.

Why am I crying so much over R? Maybe I loved him more than I realized. Maybe, it is fear of our future as friend. Maybe it is fear of change. He has been here for me for so long. Maybe it is because, he hasn’t found someone and I want him to be happy. I feel like I am abandoning him. His kid is with the mom now and his dog is dying slowly. I don’t want him to be alone. I do love him and always will. I want to be with the ice cream man now. I think there could be a future. Why was it so hard to let R go today? I felt like we were breaking up. He wiped my tears away and hugged me tighter. Maybe he had become a security blanket for me.  I don’t know but I have been crying off and on since he left my house.  I want us both to be happy. Love is so damn confusing.

Wow!!! That is how this week is described. We did not make it until Thursday. In fact, we have seen each other every day. We text constantly. Tuesday night, we went on a walk on the river walk and then just sat by the river and talked. We have talked about so much- past relationships, health, money, family, childhood, and more.  We are comfortable with silence together. That usually doesn’t come so early. Wednesday was my game night. I had told him that he could join us. He showed up eventually and joined us for a game. We then went to Coldstone and had a little time alone. Thursday, we were supposed to eat and walk on the Riverwalk but it was storming. We ended up making out for a while after dinner. Friday, we played pool and today we went on a hike and more ice cream.  We decided to spend tonight without each other. He can ride his mountain bike and I can chill at home with some wine and probably read. I know I will sleep for more than seven hours tonight.

I know it has only been a little over a week but I see no red flags yet. We respect each others individuality. We both wanted to be together tonight but we also know that it is good to have our own time and that it is not realistic to be together every night. He keeps telling me that he is not going anywhere. He is an amazing kisser and I am very much looking forward to more. I love his body and his sense of humor. His smile makes me melt. He loves my muscles and I love his. We both appreciate what goes into having them.

Last night, I saw that I possibly see a future with him. He is a closet romantic. He told me the other day that he loves giving foot massages but last night, he almost made me cry. I was talking about my nails. They are the only area where I am real girly-girl. He looked down at my feet. The nails are not painted at this time. I asked him if he liked toenails painted. He looked at me and stated that he actually liked PAINTING nails. He talked about how it is such an intimate thing. I realized at that moment that I could love this  man. I have no idea what the future holds but this guys is amazing. He reads romance novels and his favorite movie is Pretty Woman. I actually love that we have different interests but respect the need for individuality BUT we are willing to try new things. He is thrilled that I can ice skate because he grew up on ice skates. I am not good but it is fun.  He wants to try to get me mountain biking. I told him that I would try but I can’t imagine that I will like it  more than hiking. We are planning a weekend in Moab in a few weeks. I am hoping we continue so well. I cannot believe how I am feeling and how not scared I am. I think about him constantly and cannot wait to be with him again. We both now we are in a honeymoon phase and it doesn’t usually last forever but we sure are enjoying what is going on.

New guy and I texted off and on all day Sunday. We decided to have our next date on Thursday after work. I told him that I was hoping it would be sooner and he said too much of a good thing us not a good thing. I actually agree with him. If we are going to be sensible and take this slow and really give us a chance, we need to not become each others worlds. I was disappointed but thought it would definitely be Thursday. I was okay with it but wanted to see him sooner.
We were texting in the morning yesterday and he ended up inviting me to join him and his friend for their weekly burger night. I was very excited that he did that. When he got off work, he went to one of the coffee shops on main and sat outside. He texted me asking where I was. After I passed him and we talked a couple of minutes, he quickly left that spot. I am sure he was there just to see me. I actually drove by in the city vehicle two times and saw him looking up occasionally. It was sweet to see. On our fist date on Saturday, I found out that he has a quick and fun sense of humor. I always joke that I am a street walker. He had seen me on the streets before but he laughed that from now on, he will imagine red stilettos and mentioned something about a pole. I had to act on that yesterday. I spoke to him at the coffee shop for a couple of minutes and then said I had to get back to work. I took a few steps away and then swung around on one of the parking meter poles. He laughed so hard. He told me later that he was so glad that he decided to look up and watch me walking away. He was very pleased when I told him I would join him for burgers.
I got off work at six and went to the restaurant. He got there a couple of minutes later. He had gone, showered and changed clothes. He looked so nice. Dinner was awesome. He friend was nice and had no problem with me joining them. He hugged me when he got there but other than that, no touching. I am such a touchy person that no touch is difficult for me. I did so well though. Towards the end of the night, I did reach up and kiss his cheek. I told him that I couldn’t wait any longer. After dinner, his friend left and told me that he would see me next week. We left the restaurant and he asked if he could walk me to my car. He immediately grabbed my hand. It felt so nice. About a half a block later, he pulls me into an alcove and kisses me. Wow again. We get to my car, kiss some more, and he says goodnight. He is so polite. He hasn’t touched anything “inappropriate” but he is definitely interested. I will have to behave myself with this one and take it slow. I don’t want to mess this up. This guy actually has potential.

He told me on Saturday that he actually has three very good things to offer a woman. 1. He is articulate.   2. He knows how to love and 3. He knows how to receive love. Ex-bf had two out of three but didn’t know how to receive love. That is the main reason we couldn’t work. I love that new guy is not afraid of love.
Supposedly, we won’t see each other until Thursday but I doubt that will happen. He was the first thing I thought of when I woke this morning and told him that. He didn’t get scared off. I am hopeful and not afraid. It feels right. We will see what happens but I definitely have a crush on him. I am determined to not get clingy but I am definitely distracted by him.

I have been spending a bit of time with ex-bf/bff  lately. It has been so nice to have time with him alone. I have missed talking to him so much. I have mentioned that he and his girlfriend broke up the beginning of July and he also lost his dog the same week. I was worried about him for a bit but he seems to be doing well now. He has been going to some personal growth retreats and he is really working on getting over his baggage. I sure hope that someday he can truly find happiness with himself so he can find it with somebody else. I will always love him but, unfortunately, I cannot go back to him, even if he asked. We did fool around on my birthday. It was nice to be back in his arms and kiss him again. It would  have been easy to open my heart back to him but I refuse to. As I have said before, I believe that love is a choice. I won’t give my heart back to him at this point and I have told him that. I choose not to love him like that again unless he is ready to let me in. Even then, it would not be a given. I would have to really think about it. He would have to earn me back.  I love how honest we are with each other. I love that I can tell him these things and he tells me that he still worries about hurting me when he is with someone else.

Last weekend, we went on a hike to a natural hot springs. Yes, we soaked naked. It was so nice sitting next in the hot springs with the cold river flowing by.  We have talked so much about our growth since we split up. I know the things he has done and he asked me what I have done. He also thinks that some of what I say is just words because I still occasionally say that I want a man. I have explained to him that those times are actually few anymore. I like my space. I love my freedom. So many times, I hear couples on the street and think to myself how glad I am not to be in a relationship. Even as few as a few months ago, I would sometimes get sad when I saw a couple holding hands walking down the street. Now, I really feel nothing. Not anger and pity, like I felt right after my divorce. I was such a cynic and was sure that they were all making a mistake in trusting and loving. I also, not longer feel sad because I am alone. I feel happy for them and hope it lasts. I do sometimes wonder if I will ever find that BUT it is truly not a concern anymore.

So, what have I done to grow? I have been thinking about that since he asked. One is that I spend so much time alone that I can think. Most of my workday, I spend thinking about my life and reflecting. I also blog here. This is so good for me. Not only is it journaling but I get feedback and see my feelings are normal and others feel the same way. I read LOTS of books and blogs. I am exercising not just at work but weight lifting again. I have loved that since I was a teen and haven’t done for years. I love how it makes me feel mentally and physically.  I am also spending more time with friends and reconnecting with people. My birthday helped with that. When you are content with your life and yourself, a partner becomes less important.

One of the things that I thought about the other day is WHY am  I so content alone right now? Of course, there is the standard, I can do what I want, when I want, without anyone having any say or worrying about being criticized for my choices and feelings as I did for years. My big AHA moment came the other day though. I had been dwelling on this for days and it just popped into my head. For the first time in my life, I am taking care of ME only. I am 50 years old and don’t need to take care of anyone but me and my puppies. Of course, I am still here for my kids but I am my priority for the first time. It is such a free feeling. I can go hike with my ex-bf, get naked and sit in a hot spring. I can go have beer with a friend. I can sit on my couch naked and blog. I can go to bed at 7 or at midnight. I can have ice cream for breakfast or dinner, if I choose. I am fifty years old and feel better physically and mentally than I did at 35. I am healthier. I am fit. I am sexy. I am beautiful and strong. I am independent. I am not lonely at all. I plan to continue growing and getting better with age. We all should.

I have not really been dating recently. I have been too busy and haven’t really wanted to make the time for any of the men that have entered my life. I have been talking to a few guys that I have met, mostly on the dating sites, but no one has really grabbed my interest. I think I realized why today.

I have met some decent men but I haven’t felt “the connection” with any of them. Not even R, who I adore, has what I need to think there could be a long term relationship with. I get criticized for being too picky. I have had men state that I should give religious men and conservatives a chance. I know that that wouldn’t work for me. I am too outspoken about my views and want to be able to talk to my partner about these things. We don’t have to agree on everything BUT we cannot be polar opposites, either. The biggest thing though, I think, holding me back is ex-bf though. No, I do not want him back. I am not in love with him anymore. I am very happy with him being my BFF and nothing else BUT we had so much fun together. Our first date was amazing. It was just dinner at a local restaurant but I never wanted it to end. I couldn’t wait to see him again. I have hardly had any other first dates or connections like that. After we started dating, we discovered how much we enjoyed together. Almost all the things that I LOVE to do, he enjoyed too. We hiked, rode our motorcycles, picnicked, skied, camped, kayaked, roller bladed, bowled, played games, and so much more. He made me laugh. He rarely angered me. I was comfortable just curling on the couch with him as well as being active with him. I completely trusted him (and still do). To top it off, our chemistry was AMAZING.

I keep meeting men that only have one or two interests in common. They are not into expanding their horizons. EX-bf and I were both willing to try new things with the other. The other men I meet seem to be stuck in their ways. I love to be active and do new things. I want a man that wants to live that way. I want a man that can make me laugh and feel safe with. I will keep looking but I will only make time for men that are worth it now.  A recent first date was nice but dull. I don’t want dull in my life. I have a right to be picky and I know that might mean that I will be alone longer or even forever, but it will be worth it if I find a compatible man.

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