love


Last weekend, I went on a short ice cream date when I went to visit my son. My son was at an event so I figured I would do something. The guy talked about how much he hated various things and ended up making a very racist remark to me and then told me how he is not racist. I left that “date” once again wondering why I even bother anymore. I love my life. Most of the time I am not lonely. Do I really want to bring someone into my life that is going to take my time away from the things that are important to me? From what I have seen since I started dating it most men want to change us into who they want us to be. I am not “good enough” for them for whatever reason OR they are not right for me. I keep meeting men that are religious (even though I am very clear that I won’t date a religious man), crude,  or needy. Is it so much to ask to find a man that is non-religious. We are now a large part of the community. Is it so much to ask to find a man that can speak in proper English (most of the time), reads books, listens to music, is athletic and takes care of himself and cares for humanity? He doesn’t have to match me 100% but there are some things that are very important to me. I want him to have teeth. I want him to be well kept. I don’t want to be with a fat man that does not take care of himself. I walk almost ten miles a day for work. I also do karate 2 times a week. I hike on weekends. I kayak, I love football. I do drink but can have fun without it. I ski. I don’t want a partner that wants to sit on his ass and watch TV all the time, though I do love to watch television and movies. I read a lot. I would love to have someone to share books and discuss books with. I am very liberal so a Trump supporter does not fit in my life but many of them ask me out because I am cute. I am fifty years old but don’t look it. I am about 120 pounds trying to gain muscle mass but I want more than a physical relationship. I want to be physically attracted to my partner. It would be great to find someone to go to Comic Con with, as well as brew fests, film festivals, and wine festivals. I have gotten so I am comfortable going by myself. Is that a good or bad thing. I am finding that the longer that I am single and alone, the less tolerant I am of partner issues. Last weekend, my mom and daughter also came to visit my son. We had four of us trying to decide where to eat. I am so used to making decisions without anyone’s input anymore. I was really having a hard time with the indecision. Finally I just said that I didn’t care where I went. I would have a beer at one place and a margarita at the other. That was when my mom finally put in an opinion. For breakfast the next day, I just made a decision. Will I ever be able to let someone completely into my life again? One of my concerns with men I meet are ones that have never been in a long relationship because I am afraid that they will not be able to handle the changes of one. Am I becoming that person? Am I doomed to be my mother and single the rest of my life? I love who I am and how I am growing in independence daily but it scares me, also. There are days or moments that I am lonely sometimes lonely as hell. Days that I just want someone to love me. Today is one of them. Here is it Mother’s Day and I am all alone. I have three great kids but they are grown. I am no longer the focus of their lives, as it should be. The oldest had the morning with her boyfriend and is at home 300 miles away right now. The middle one that lives with me had to work today. The youngest hasn’t come home for the summer from college yet.  I have spent the day doing chores in my house but not as much as I should have. Most of the day has been spent paying bills and watching Shanarrah Chronicles. I started drinking margarita’s a drink ago. It would have been nice to not be alone today. Tomorrow is a quiet day but then Tuesday through Thursday, I go non-stop. I get up, go to work, and eat all day. After work, I either have my karate class or my atheist meeting. By Friday, I am usually exhausted so if I have no plans that night, I am actually usually relieved but going out for an hour or two after work is not a terrible thing. Saturday is my errand day if I stay in town. I also take an hour or two to sit at Starbucks with a coffee, a book, and my pup (outside patio). I really enjoy my Saturdays. Sometimes, I go on a hike or something like that instead.

I think I am just needing to accept being alone.It is so much easier and there are so many frogs out there. I haven’t found anyone worth my time in almost a year and he ghosted me after four weeks of telling me how much he liked me. I am not sure it is worth the risk and pain anymore. I can take care of myself. Financially is a struggle but it is getting better.  I refuse to let loneliness take over my life so I will stay busy and active. If someone decent enters my life, I hope I can accept him in.

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Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest TrailWild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I did very much enjoy this book. After reading many of the reviews, I can see where the negative comments came from but I do disagree with them in many ways. After her mother died, it appears that she got depressed. That is how I can see why she threw away a good marriage and lost. She was lost. Yes, her deciding to hike the PCT alone with no experience was not a smart thing to do. She was very lucky that she ran into so many kind hearted people. To me, that shows how most people are good after all. She made many mistakes and was very lucky. Yes, she got off the trail many times but only bypassed in a few areas. She stuck with it though she was unprepared. I respect that she kept going with an overweight backpack, lack of supplies, and lots of pain. The critics need to remember that she was so young when this happened. We aren’t the smartest at that age. She learned a lot about herself and grew a lot on her journey. I don’t know what has happened to her since but I hope that she has found happiness and continued to grow in strength and confidence.

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This is a real good Ted Talk on masculinity and being a man in today’s world. He talks about being sensitive as a man and how men are taught to reject the feminine side of themselves. He talks about how men won’t ask for help or talk about real things with their friends. This message is to men and women. Please watch.

My friendship with R is so good and the man is so kind and caring. I love him and his kid. He is often texting me when he is in town offering me a coffee when he is at the coffee shop or just texting asking if I need a hug. He does this especially if he knows I have been having a hard day. We have been doing so well with not crossing the line of friendship lately. My Self Control-He didn’t stop me We had another movie night where we did nothing. It was so nice and I thought we had finally gotten to where I could be around him and not want to kiss him. Well, I was wrong. In the past few weeks, the communication with us has increased and the way he looks at me and hugs me just makes me melt. I finally kissed him again the other day and told him that I couldn’t help myself. It was just a peck but still, it was nice. We both wanted to see Ready Player One so we decided to have a date night when his son was with mom.

It was so mice to just have some time with him. We snuggled as much as you can at the theater and then we decided to go out to eat. While we were eating, he told me that he had no reason to behave anymore. Damn, I am weak. Next thing I know, we are driving to his place and have a wonderful night. Every time I woke, he was holding me and it was such a nice relaxing night and morning. I guess we are back to FWB because I know his feelings haven’t changes, though he sure acts like a boyfriend in so many ways. When he hugs me, I feel so safe and comfortable. I love the feeling and wish I could have it every day. Oh well. Maybe someday. Until then, I will enjoy my life.

Last night I went out with my friend, the photographer.  We met on a dating site three or four years ago and went on a couple of dates but it never went anywhere. I never felt a physical connection with him but enjoyed  his company. Over the years, every time we run into each other, he gives me these great hugs and we have become decent friends. About a month ago, we went out for dinner and I realized how much I enjoy his company. I wish I felt some physical connection because he is just wonderful. We have so much in common. We went out last night again. We were at the restaurant for hours and had such a nice time. We talked quite a bit about dating.  He has been divorced for a long time and has no kids. He was involved with a woman not that long ago. They talked about marriage but she broke it off with him a year ago. The talk about dating turned interesting when we realized that we both feel the same way about dating. I had actually posted on Facebook.

“I think that might be part of the problem. I really am enjoying the freedom of being single. I would like someone but don’t want to give up my freedom. Finding a man who feels the same is difficult. I have met a couple that want to be attached at the hip immediately and I do not want that at all. I have an active full life now. Do I really have time for a man??? I am not sure but there are times I really want one. Is there a rent a boyfriend plan out there for the nights I want to snuggle and Netflix with someone besides my pup?” 

when she said that when I quit looking I will find someone.

He and I started joking about the pros and cons of being with someone. We both love the idea of having someone to snuggle with and be the companion but we also love that no one is expecting us to watch things we do not want to watch, complain about our sleeping habits, complain about me reading in bed, etc. We were laughing so hard about  all the different things we do NOT miss about being in a relationship.

After dinner, we came back to my house and snuggled on the couch and watched a movie. We had a nice night. He asked if he should stay and snuggle but I chose not to. I really do like him. I wonder if a physical attraction can develop. If not, I have a great friend that I can honestly share things with and laugh.

I feel that I have hardly stopped since Snowdown. Last week was a recovery week and I was so tired and last weekend was catch up  at home. I have had a lot going on and have hardly had any down time at home. I hate when I have blog posts running through my head all day and I can’t get them down. I am going to try and get to some of the ones I have thought of the past couple of weeks. My big one was Valentine’s Day. It has never been my favorite “holiday” but I still always would have liked acknowledgement. Before marriage, it seemed I was always single on Valentine’s Day. Too often, a boy/man would break up with me just prior. During my marriage, I learned that the ex was not romantic at all. I would have been happy with a nice dinner, a flower or bouquet, anything even remotely romantic. He didn’t give flowers often because HIS MOM didn’t like getting flowers. I LOVE getting flowers and he knew this.  Occasionally, I would get a card or something but I learned to not expect us to do anything romantic for anything. I would suggest weekends away, even to somewhat local places so we could save money. I would suggest things all the time and he poo-pooed them all the time. The last few years of the marriage, it, of course, got worse. Six years before the divorce, our middle child was given a dozen roses at school by a boy that liked her. They were not dating. They were beautiful and I was so happy for her. We put them  in a vase and had them prominently on display. A few hours later, the ex came in, threw a single rose on the table and said, “here is your VD flower.” Wow. I just wanted to cry and shove it up his ass.

He filed for divorce on January 14th and here in Colorado, your first court date is one month later. Yep, I went to divorce court for a divorce I didn’t want on VALENTINE’S DAY. I still cannot believe they do that. There are some days that divorce court should not happen. I was a mess. I had a severe anxiety attack. The people in the courthouse sent me to Adult Protective Services downstairs to make sure I was okay. It was terrible.

Since then, I have tried to not let that day completely ruin Valentine’s for me. I could find a romantic man that enjoys doing things for his gal. My first one single was great. A guy I was dating and I went skiing and he reserved a table for us at the restaurant at the top of the mountain. I had no idea. He knew that I was having a hard time and he was so sweet. He and I were not ready for a relationship at the time. We were both the first dates after 20+ year marriages. We were good for each other and he helped me a lot. I hope I helped him. The following two years I was dating ex/bf bff and R. Exbff and  I went on a cruise right afterwards and R and I had a great date. They both gavve me flowers. Last year I was single but still received flowers from someone that was interested. I don’t know why but this year hit me hard. I was single and feeling very alone. Maybe because there have been no prospects since ice cream man. I have no idea. For the most part, I have been doing well but the days leading up to and on Valentine’s Day last week, I was getting grouchier and moodier. I cried a lot and just wanted someone to hold me. I had someone tell me to just ignore it but when yo are walking up and down main street with every window having ads for Valentines, every radio station, TV station ad is about love, it is hard to ignore. The person that told me this is basically a hermit.  I was so ready for the day to be over. I got off work and went to my car and see R drive up. He gets out of his car and tells me that he failed. He was holding a bouquet of flowers that he was going to put on my car anonymously.  He told me that he knew it was a hard day for me. I just wanted to cry. The man says there is something missing in our relationship and that is why we aren’t dating but it is obvious that he really cares for me. Why won’t he accept my heart? I would give it willingly. Oh well, he made my day better and I do know that he loves me, just not enough.

I have been a bit lonely at times lately and definitely craving some physical touch. R and I still talk a lot. He is still talking to the gal in Moscow so we have not done anything besides friend things. We have had coffee a few times. We have been to the dog park. I worked for him one day when he needed help and I was able to use the money so that was a win win for both of us. Recently, we were talking about a movie and I asked him if he was available for some innocent snuggling.  He said yes and invited me over to snuggle on his couch and watch that movie. I was prepared to possibly spend the night and totally behave.  He is a good snuggler and  we both are missing physical touch. He has no commitment at this time so no reason he can’t fool around but I was planning on not doing anything.

Things were real good and nice for a while but eventually, he and I were fooling around a bit. It was so difficult to not let it go farther. He told me that he didn’t have to behave but he felt like he shouldn’t do anything until he gave her a chance. I know that if I had pushed at all, things would have progressed and I would have enjoyed having a wonderful night with  him, instead, I stopped things from going farther. I flat out told him that I would stay if he wanted me to and do nothing but snuggle, have sex, or leave but it was his choice. At this point, leaving was NOT what I wanted to do but I finally told him that I was leaving unless he stopped me. I kissed him goodbye and went out the door. I got to my car and realized I needed to go back for my phone and glasses. Damn….I had to do it all again but I did it. I can have him be a FWB like he was for a while but not under these circumstances. It was not easy to drive away from his house. I told him later that I couldn’t believe he actually let me leave. He said he couldn’t believe it either. I told him that she better not hurt him. I sure wish that he and I could have had a nice innocent night. I did enjoy what happened but I left completely sexually frustrated AND still wanting to have a night of snuggling.

I texted my eldest and told her what happened and she told me how strong I was for leaving. I had to think about it for a minute and then told her why I was able to do so. I did not want him to regret having sex with me and I have too much respect for myself now. I want him to have sex with me again because he wants to not just because we are both horny. I am proud of myself for walking out and the relevation of why was very good for me. I don’t know if R and I will ever be together physically again but obviously, the physical connection is still there. We  care about each other. It is a shame that he couldn’t love me. We could have been good together but I accepted we would be no more than friends a long time ago. It has been two years since we dated. I hope he can find love. I hope I can find love.

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