friendship


R and I have been hanging out a bit and the man just confuses me so.  We are not dating and I do not think I can ever date him again or even sleep with him again.  He treats me like a girlfriend a lot though. I have actually told him that he needs to stop doing so. I had something happen at my house and I asked him to help me with it. I expect to pay him for things that he does professionally but he won’t take my money.  My back was out last week and he bought me a gift certificate for a massage at a good spa in town. I  have been trying to get over him for so long but he makes it so difficult. Yesterday, we took the dogs to the dog park. He is so physically affectionate with me. At one time, we are watching his son skipping rocks in the river and he comes up behind me and puts his arms around me. It is so natural for us. The way he looks at me is so wonderful. When he looks at me, I feel special, beautiful, and loved.

It is a shame that he and I never really had a chance. We dated January 2016 for a few weeks and have spent time together off and on since mainly as friends. I have met several of his siblings and his son loves me BUT I never stood a chance. I never told him about my first interaction with his adult daughter. When we were dating, he went to visit her as she was not living here at the time. She posted some photos of them on Facebook and I liked one or two of them and she sent me a message via Facebook telling me to butt out. She told me that she had no idea who I was and that I was to never comment or like anything she posted again. I have never told him because I never have wanted to cause trouble with other people’s relationships. He broke up with me shortly after that so I never thought it would be a problem. I did eventually meet her and we seemed to get along but I don’t feel welcome with her.

Late this summer, he told me that his ex and daughter were uncomfortable with me one night when we were all together. I had thought that he and I were going to have dinner, just the two of us. Then I was told that  his son would be joining us. That was fine with me but then I got there and the ex and the daughter were there, too, and all of them had already eaten. I felt like I was butting into a family dinner. I ordered food and he stayed with me and paid after the others left but it was very awkward. I finally realized that night that I can never compete with his ex. I know that they have to be in each others lives to an extent. Their son is 12.  When he told me the comments she and the daughter said after that night, I decided that I would no longer try and never be with him again. I can be his friend. I don’t think he loves his ex anymore but the four of them are still a nuclear family, even though they are not together and never will be again. She came out of the closet and is currently married to another woman. They still are together a lot. Holidays, the kids birthdays, random dinners, etc. I hope to never hang out with my ex except at our kids weddings and I will even limit that as much as possible. I definitely do not want to expect my partner to hang out with or be friends with my ex. I don’t want to hang out with my partner’s ex either, except for special occasions. If we were to meet and get along and click, that might be different but….I have always felt like an outsider when the ex and/or daughter are around. I don’t feel welcome. It isn’t that I dislike her but she is not my friend and if we had met  in another way, I doubt we would be friends. I do feel very welcome with his siblings which is great. It is a shame it went the way it has with him He is a great man and treats me real well. We have a lot in common but I have finally moved on and cannot go back, no matter how he acts when we are together.

This damn dating and love are so difficult.

Edit tonight: My car broke down and he came from his house to change my battery. He told me that he was going to pay for the battery but I beat him to it. I half jokingly asked him if I could keep him. He lives about 30 minutes out of town. There is a part of me that wants to hit him with a  2×4 and say hey, you are going to lose your chance soon. Oh well.

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They say the third time is the charm. Three times you are out. I think that Broncos Fan just blew any chance with me. I shared previously how he blew me off on my birthday. 

We worked past that but it definitely make me look at things with him differently. Things had started off so good and I actually thought that we might develop into something. After that incident, I stepped back and decided that I really needed to take it slow with him. I am so glad that I changed my tone. He has now blown me off not once, not twice, not even three times but FOUR!!!! My birthday was bad enough but I wasn’t heartbroken. I mentioned that we were supposed to get together that Tuesday. I messaged him asking about the plans and he cancelled on me. He stated that he had to be in town at 0730 the next morning so didn’t think he could handle going out. I let him off the hook but I was really bothered. I live thirty minutes farther from town than he does. If we had gone out, I would have gotten home later than him and had to be at work in town at 0800 the next morning. He would been home more than an hour longer than I would have been so I felt he wimped out on me. The third time he flaked out on me was something coming up this weekend. My family has access to Denver Broncos tickets. I had invited him to go to the game with me this Sunday. He originally said yes and was supposedly excited to join me.  I put in for a vacation day on Monday and it was a date. He was looking for a new job and was lucky to find one pretty quickly BUT when he took the job, he had his start day be this Monday. I do know that maybe there wasn’t a choice BUT usually when you start a job, you can say, I have plans on such and such a day, can I start the next day. I have never had that be a problem when I was hired somewhere. I decided to let it go  but due to having some other problems, I almost had to cancel the trip, I got things worked out and a friend of mine is going with me. Tonight was the last one, He has been out of town for a week. We haven’t seen each other since the 1st. He called me last night and said he wanted to see me before I left town tomorrow. We planned a date for tonight. I think all we were going to do was hang at his place and watch some television and then I would have driven my 30 minutes home to my place to drive to Denver (almost 6 hours) tomorrow. This morning, he texts me and told me that today was going to be too busy for him and he was going to have to cancel. I told him okay but was not a happy woman.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend and I had a girls day. We talked a lot about our kids and their relationships. One of the things that she said that wishes that she could get her kids to realize is that what we see at the beginning is the best it is going to be. If someone is unreliable at the beginning that is not going to get better. I remember thinking then that it was a wise thing for all of us single people to remember. Broncos Fan is a nice man but he is not wanting to make sacrifices or make the time to spend it with me. If it were important to him, he would. I think maybe he was right when he said that we should just be friends. I can enjoy watching football with him but the man that I want to date wants to make time to be with me. I need to let him know this but first, I am heading out of town for a few days.  I deserve a man that puts me first and shows that I am important to him.

The pilot came into town last Friday. I was so excited all day. I was unsure before if he would really like him when we hadn’t been drinking all day. We met at Brewfest and had been tasting beer for hours. I know that I was a bit tipsy and was really enjoying the flirting. I was honestly just looking to get laid that day. I hadn’t had sex in months and he was fun and cute. That didn’t happen but we had fooled around and enjoyed each others company. When he said that he was going to come back to visit me, I was surprised but since he has his own plane, getting here is not as difficult. We chatted a few times during the week but I was still a bit unsure. I was pretty sure that he was going to cancel at the last minute. I have definitely gotten so I have little confidence in men and their words. He texted me the morning of and told me he was on his way. He texted me when he was about halfway here and then again when he was flying above my town. I actually looked up and saw his plane. He took an Uber to town and got a hotel room. I got off work about an hour later and went over. I was a little nervous. I was a lot excited. I came in, we chatted a bit and discussed our plans for the weekend. I have a shop local coupon book so we decided to use some of those when he was in town. We discussed payments for the date. He said that he was taking me out so for me not to worry about it. He was leaving Sunday morning so we had from 5pm Friday until 8am Sunday for our first date. He wanted to go somewhere nice so I chose the Seafood/Steak place in town. I cleaned up after my busy day walking, put on my sexy red dress and we went out. Dinner was great. We had nice appetizers and I had salmon and he had trout for dinner. We both had a drink. After dinner, we went to another bar in town that I like and had a drink there. We walked around town a little bit. I believe that is all we did that night and went back to the hotel where we chatted a lot and then, of course, we had amazing sex. Oh what a wonderful night this was and it was just the beginning.

I slept so much better than I expected, strange man, strange bed. I woke up so energetic and ready to go. Before he had gotten here, we had discussed going on a hike and soaking at the local hot springs but then he threw a wrench in the plans. I had planned a fairly long hike but he wanted to take me up in his plane. I had only been in a small prop plane once in my life and did not like it. It was back in 1987 on a flight from here to Denver. Sitting in the back, tiny windows, bouncing around, it was NOT fun. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to go up but I figured that I would give it a try. I love a challenge. I love adventure. He asked if I thought I could eat first so we went out to a local place and had a great breakfast and headed out to the airport. His plane is a little four seater similar to this one. Grumman-American AA-5 Traveler [1974] N7107L-L

He went through the entire preflight check and showed me everything that he was doing. He had me get in and we were off. I was surprisingly not scared. We were up for about an hour. We started off flying out to my house so I could show him where I lived. I think he was surprised how out in the boonies I live. After that, he took my hand, put it on the controls and had me fly the plane. I was so excited. I had no idea he was taking pictures at first but I am so glad that he did. I had no idea that flying a plane was appealing to me. After about an hour and flying over my house and my town and county, we headed back to the airport.6I had to choose a new hike as the one I had chosen was a long hike and by this time, it was too late to start a long hike and still have soaking time. We chose a short in town hike that takes you to a view to look at the town in a different aspect than from the plane. After that, we headed off to the hot springs. I had been given a couple of free passes and I thought that would be a good way to use them. We spent a couple of hours soaking and talking until I realized that I was hungry. We went to one of my favorite places in town and had a couple of tacos. After changing clothes and getting cleaned up, we went back out on the town. I had a couple of “buy one pint, get one free” from a couple of places so we went to them and then to the distillery and had a drink and watched the live music there. It was so comfortable with him and such a wonderful weekend. Sunday morning came way too soon as he wanted to take off in the calm morning. I have no idea when I am going to see him again but cannot wait. So much for just a hook-up.

After the coffee/walk date on Sunday, Bronco fan texted me and told me that he had reservations about kissing me as he wasn’t sure what it meant. I texted him back and told him that it didn’t mean anything more than he liked me and is attracted to me. I told him that it didn’t change anything or any expectations and that I wanted to kiss him, too. We agreed to hang out and take it slowly.  Last night was really nice. I went to his place after work and he had made a dinner for us. We watched a show from ESPN on YouTube about John Elway and just chilled and talked while we ate.  After dinner, we started talking, cuddling and making out. As horny as I am, I am not pushing sex with him. If he struggles with what a kiss means, I can only imagine what sex would do to his confusion. I do not need him either running away because we have sex or declaring his love already. He is apt to do either. I always have an overnight bag in my car as I live 30 minutes from town. If I need to crash in town for some reason, I am always prepared but he doesn’t know that yet. I actually wouldn’t have minded just sleeping at his place last night as I got home real late and am very tired today but it is probably best.

We did make out a lot and discussed a bit about previous dating. I saw a tab on his PC open with Zoosk when he was setting up the show so that opened up conversation. I shared things that he asked but also told him that I will not lie to him so do not ask anything he doesn’t want the answer to. I won’t overshare either. I have gone on a lot of  first dates since my divorce, fewer second dates, have had a few short flings, one boyfriend, and a couple FWB. If he wants to know these things, he will be told honestly but I do not think I need to share voluntarily at this time.

I teased him a bit about being okay with kissing me. He said he changed his mind and that he was being the “girl” in our relationship. I quickly reminded him that there is no relationship at this time. We actually discussed a little about no commitment and no expectations. I am not ready to make a commitment to him and I mentioned to him about someone else asking me out on Monday. He said that it was okay and I told him he could do the same.

We are making plans for this weekend. I am not sure what but I do really enjoy being with him. There are things that I am not sure wouldn’t drive me crazy long term. We will see. He is a non-stop talker. I am not used to that but he is so kind, polite, and gentle. He is a good man and I forgive him for what he did on my birthday. He is just not sure what he wants and that enabled me to slow down and not screw up either.

This past week has been quite interesting. I was so upset after I was friend-zoned by Broncos fan on Monday night. My stress jumped up and my inflammation sky-rocketed. I was hurting physically and mentally all week. Broncos fan had said he wanted to be friends so I decided to just act like friends. He has applied for a job at our local post office and I saw something about them needing to hire a lot of people and asked if he had heard anything. He told me he hadn’t yet and asked if I knew anyone. I just happen to know the local postmaster and told him I would ask him to look at the application. I cannot get someone a job BUT I can bring their name to the bosses attention. We talked a few times over the week but not a lot. I did tell him that I wanted to talk in person so we set a date for a walk and coffee on Sunday morning.

In the mean time, I was feeling very lonely and horny and sad. My married guy set up a date with me on Friday night. I thought we were only meeting for a drink but I so needed some companionship. He had plans that night with clients and I had a party to go to and we were going to meet afterwards. I went to my event and didn’t hear from him. When I left, I texted him and his clients had cancelled and he had gone home and forgot about our date. I am done with him. I understand that I cannot be his priority but he forgot me. He apologized but I haven’t heard from him again. He was the only one from the past that I felt that I could still be a FWB with. Nope.

My weekend did have quite an interesting turn though. The event on Friday night was a VIP party for our local Brewfest. I splurge every year for this since my divorce. I love the event and there are a few people that I only see there. I am talking to my friends and these guys walk by me, one is quite tall and catches my eye. The other one sees me and asks if we have met before.  I will call him The Pilot. He comes up for this Brewfest every year so it is possible. We chat for a while but this was a short event as the big party was on Saturday all day. I left a little disappointed that we did not talk longer. He was cute and friendly. His son, the tall one, was nice, too but I was definitely attracted to dad. Saturday, I ran into them a few times and we talked a lot. Eventually, we decided to have a drink after the event and exchanged phone numbers. We met at a local bar that I go to frequently. He bought me a drink but after five hours of beer, I had no desire to drink anymore so we just talked for a while. It turned out that we were so comfortable with each other. At some point, we kissed and I asked if we could go back to his hotel room. I don’t normally do this but I sure needed the physical touch. We fooled around quite a bit but between his nerves and too much beer we were not able to complete the act but it was so much FUN. He made me laugh, we played, we snuggled. He asked if he could fly up again to see me. He walked me back to the bar where my kiddo drove me home and back in the next day for my coffee date with Broncos Fan.

That went real well. It was a little awkward at first but we are so comfy with each other. Eventually, we discussed what happened with us and he told me that even his friend chewed him out for what he did. He was told that he started things and was very flirtatious with me. I agreed with that and he apologized. We walked the river walk a bit, held hands and even kissed a bit. We went back to his car and had a very nice kiss goodbye after he asked me for a date. He is cooking me dinner on Tuesday.

So, I guess it is feast or famine. I now have a date with Broncos fan on Tuesday and we are going to “hang out” with no expectations or commitments for now and The Pilot is coming back on September 8th to spend the weekend with me. I wonder if either of these guys are my future. I am not going to rush either of them but they are both fun, cute, and obviously enjoy being with me. There are pros and cons of both of them. The pilot lives a ways away but can be here in a couple of hours and can whisk me away places. He was talking about Mexico the other day. I need a beach occasionally. He is a little younger but not much. Broncos fan has so many pluses. I will just take it one day, text, date at a time and see where things go.

A couple of years ago, my sister gave our family all T-shirts that a friend of hers son had made. I loved the shirt and wear it quite often. I get a lot of compliments on it every time I wear it. It is a simple shirt with BE A GOOD PERSON on it. Very simple, very basic but a good message. She had a slip of paper telling us a little about the shirt in it.

I wear this a lot. When I got off work tonight, I changed into this shirt and went to the city picnic. After that, I went to a local winery that I hang out at a lot. When I went in, I was actually looking for a gift for a friend of mine and this gal stopped me and asked if I was Christie’s mom. She then said that I couldn’t be her mom and asked if I new her. I had no idea who she was talking about. I told her that I knew a few Christie’s but had no idea who she was talking about. She told me that Christie’s son makes the shirt that I am wearing. She looks up and her friend is walking in the winery and she immediately asked about the shirt. I told her that my sister gave it to me. She immediately hugged me and said, “You are Laura’s sister.” She had her mom take our picture and immediately sent it to  my sister.  She is one of my sister’s good friends and employees. She was in town for business and knew I lived here but we had never met before. She just happened to go into one of my hangouts and I happened to be wearing the shirt her son produces. She invited me to join them for a glass of wine. Of course, I accepted. I can understand why my mom and sister like her so much. I hope she calls on me when she comes back to town for work. I had no idea that my brother and sister’s company had business down here

I have been accused a number of times, mainly by family, of being way too open on Facebook. I decided years ago to be my authentic self. I am no longer going to hide my feelings or be who I am not. I did that for many years when I was married. By the time I was divorced, I had been depressed severely for years, suicidal and definitely not myself. Before he filed for divorce, I started the journey of healing. I started blogging. I started meds. I was seeing my doc regularly about my depression. During the divorce, I remember telling him that I was NOT going to go backwards.

I have shared so many details here and on Facebook. I know it is not always pleasant but I feel that when we share the unpleasantness also, we can possibly be helping others. I know how it feels to feel alone. I want my friends to know that they are not alone. Over the years, I have had many friends tell me how my openness has helped them with their divorces or other times of stress but last night, I truly felt that it has paid off. I had an ex-coworker contact me. She and I were not overly close but I always liked her a lot. She is a bit of a loner and introvert and does not make friends easily but there is something about her that drew me to her at work. Except for an occasional message now and then, we haven’t had any contact in many years. Last night, I got a message from her saying she needed to talk to someone. My son and I were having an evening together and were about to start a show but I told him it would have to wait, someone needed me. She called and we talked and cried and I was there for my friend. She told me that she felt alone and was so glad that I was there for her. I was told that the reason that she felt she could reach out to me is my openness on Facebook.

Being alone is sometimes hard but we all need it from time to time but being LONELY is another thing and there is nothing lonelier than being alone when you are in crisis. I wish I could do more for my friend than listen but I will stand by her during her time of crisis and be a friend that is needed. I will always be there for someone in need and I will continue to be an open book, good and bad. I truly believe that it saves lives.

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