I had so many plans for this weekend but I barely got off the sofa. I did get some things done but never left the house and barely got dressed. I sure wish that I could just end this funk that I have been in.

As the year is coming to a close, I cannot help but realize that another year has passed ALONE. January 8th will be the beginning of my 7th year alone except for the few marvelous months with the ex-bf. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being just friends. I am tired of FWB which is why I haven’t had sex since I was in Arizona the beginning of November. Is is so much to want a relationship.. Is it too much to want to be loved and be in love. I won’t settle to have it but DAMN it, I miss it.

The pilot and I decided that the distance was an issue and have decided to be just friends. It sucked to have that discussion but it was needed. It is a shame that things were not different with us. He is so much fun. I could have gotten attached to him. In the mean time, R is confusing the hell out of me. He came over the other night, we talked, snuggled and fooled around but I told him that I cannot and will not have sex with him as friends anymore. He was fine with that. I have made it very clear with him where I stand. If he wants to give us a chance, all he has to do it say so but he won’t. He invited me to come over and spend new years with him and his son tomorrow. I told him that really all I want to just spend a week in bed drinking and feeling sorry for myself for not being lovable. He texted me back that I am loved and I told him but not completely. He replied, “more than you know” Now what the fuck does that mean. If he is in love with me, why doesn’t he say it. If he isn’t then he needs to quit saying things like that.

There is a part of me that wants to just give up and be celibate forever but then there is the other part of me that wants to continue trying so I signed back up on Match today. I have never paid for Match before but POF and OKCupid have had the same men for five years. It was time to look at possibly a new set of men. Of course, Broncos fan, R, and a couple of other men that I have gone out with are there. I hope that it is not as bad as the others were for me more recently.

In the mean time, I need to get my ass off the sofa for more than work and karate. I need to work on decluttering the home so I can sell this place ASAP. I need to find another source of income so I can start getting ahead financially.

I hope that 2019 is a better year for me. 2018 has had its moments but for the most part, I am so glad that it is over.


I think I may be in trouble. Things with the pilot are going real well and I am terrified and twitterpated at the same time.

Three weeks after his first visit, he flew back. I met him at the airport. I went up to the plane and we immediately kissed. It was so good to see him and it felt so right to be with him. He actually stayed in town two night that time. We had thought about driving to Ouray but it was snowing in the high country so I took him on a drive around here. I brought him to my house even though it was a mess. I was embarrassed about the condition of it but with my kid in the process of moving out, I had an excuse. I am also doing major decluttering so there are boxes everywhere. I pulled out my son’s guitar and he played a little bit. We just thoroughly enjoyed our time together. I so hated for him to leave. He is romantic. He is sweet. He is considerate. I took him around town and introduced him to many places that I frequent. We went to a movie. We had sex.

I had a plan to go to Arizona prior to meeting him. I was going to go backpacking and after I met the pilot, I decided to extend my trip to have some time with him, too. My trip was on the seventh of this month. I was going to spent a couple of days in Sedona and then to Phoenix to his house for several days. When I got to Sedona area, I got hit with a terrible migraine. He had texted me to ask how things were going. When I told him about my migraine, he told me that I was more than welcome to come over early. I felt so bad that I decided to do so. We were together from Wednesday night until Monday morning. I got to his house feeling terrible. I had taken some meds. He fed me and I went to bed fairly early. I had a migraine hangover the next day so took it pretty easy. He was working at home that day. At one time, I heard his hose running and didn’t think anything of it. It turned out that he was washing my car. He buffed out some scratches and my headlights. I couldn’t believe that he did that for me while i was being lazy in his house. I spent the day reading and relaxing for he most part. I did spend some time with him outside and really enjoyed my quiet time. By that night, I was pretty much back to my normal self. He took me swing dancing that night. I did not bring clothes or shoes for that but we had so much fun. He is an excellent lead and loves to dance. Over the next few days, we went out in his MGB and his BMW. I got to drive the BMW. We went to the lake and cruised around. We saw many big horn sheep. We went to a birthday party of a friend of his and spent time with a couple of other friends of his. Dinner, art show, 80’s arcade. hiking…. So much fun. It ended way too soon. He played his guitar every day and we sang together and went out to a club near him and danced again. We flew to breakfast one morning.  Three nights, we sat in the hot tub and watched shooting stars. The first night in the hot tub, he set a very romantic mood and we had lights, wine, music. Everything all week was just picture perfect. I even teased him a little about how perfect it was. I so did not want to come home. I feel that I am fighting a losing battle to not fall him love with him. I cannot quit thinking about him. I was talking to my daughter and she was asking me what his faults are. I honestly can hardly think of any and they aren’t bad ones. He snores. He doesn’t like football but he doesn’t hate it like exbf/bff does. He will not kiss me in bed when we wake up due to bad breath. He is not as sexually driven as I am right now. I am not sure if he is being super respectful or if he truly isn’t that driven. We did not have sex every day and I easily could have spent much more time in bed together. I feel that his introducing me to a few of his friends and others in his life is a big deal. Am I over thinking that?

Life is easier alone but I want love. Is he the one? Is he falling for me, too? If we become serious, I will have to move to Phoenix eventually. I love where I am now. This is my home. Am I really willing to give it up for a man? I am trying to take this slowly but I definitely think we are heading in that direction. He is talking about flying up here in a few weeks and then again at the end of January. I may head up there mid-January

How do I stop overthinking? How do I trust love again? After six years, I think it is really time to give someone a chance.

R and I have been hanging out a bit and the man just confuses me so.  We are not dating and I do not think I can ever date him again or even sleep with him again.  He treats me like a girlfriend a lot though. I have actually told him that he needs to stop doing so. I had something happen at my house and I asked him to help me with it. I expect to pay him for things that he does professionally but he won’t take my money.  My back was out last week and he bought me a gift certificate for a massage at a good spa in town. I  have been trying to get over him for so long but he makes it so difficult. Yesterday, we took the dogs to the dog park. He is so physically affectionate with me. At one time, we are watching his son skipping rocks in the river and he comes up behind me and puts his arms around me. It is so natural for us. The way he looks at me is so wonderful. When he looks at me, I feel special, beautiful, and loved.

It is a shame that he and I never really had a chance. We dated January 2016 for a few weeks and have spent time together off and on since mainly as friends. I have met several of his siblings and his son loves me BUT I never stood a chance. I never told him about my first interaction with his adult daughter. When we were dating, he went to visit her as she was not living here at the time. She posted some photos of them on Facebook and I liked one or two of them and she sent me a message via Facebook telling me to butt out. She told me that she had no idea who I was and that I was to never comment or like anything she posted again. I have never told him because I never have wanted to cause trouble with other people’s relationships. He broke up with me shortly after that so I never thought it would be a problem. I did eventually meet her and we seemed to get along but I don’t feel welcome with her.

Late this summer, he told me that his ex and daughter were uncomfortable with me one night when we were all together. I had thought that he and I were going to have dinner, just the two of us. Then I was told that  his son would be joining us. That was fine with me but then I got there and the ex and the daughter were there, too, and all of them had already eaten. I felt like I was butting into a family dinner. I ordered food and he stayed with me and paid after the others left but it was very awkward. I finally realized that night that I can never compete with his ex. I know that they have to be in each others lives to an extent. Their son is 12.  When he told me the comments she and the daughter said after that night, I decided that I would no longer try and never be with him again. I can be his friend. I don’t think he loves his ex anymore but the four of them are still a nuclear family, even though they are not together and never will be again. She came out of the closet and is currently married to another woman. They still are together a lot. Holidays, the kids birthdays, random dinners, etc. I hope to never hang out with my ex except at our kids weddings and I will even limit that as much as possible. I definitely do not want to expect my partner to hang out with or be friends with my ex. I don’t want to hang out with my partner’s ex either, except for special occasions. If we were to meet and get along and click, that might be different but….I have always felt like an outsider when the ex and/or daughter are around. I don’t feel welcome. It isn’t that I dislike her but she is not my friend and if we had met  in another way, I doubt we would be friends. I do feel very welcome with his siblings which is great. It is a shame it went the way it has with him He is a great man and treats me real well. We have a lot in common but I have finally moved on and cannot go back, no matter how he acts when we are together.

This damn dating and love are so difficult.

Edit tonight: My car broke down and he came from his house to change my battery. He told me that he was going to pay for the battery but I beat him to it. I half jokingly asked him if I could keep him. He lives about 30 minutes out of town. There is a part of me that wants to hit him with a  2×4 and say hey, you are going to lose your chance soon. Oh well.

I don’t know why I haven’t been writing lately. I keep thinking about topics but haven’t taken the time in weeks to write. I need to get back to this as it is good for me in so many ways. I have had so much happen since I last wrote. Eventually, I will write about some of them but a brief synopsis follows.

  • The week after the pilot was here, I went to Denver to see the Broncos- Raiders game.
  • I have organized a girl’s group/night with friends here.
  • I got my bellybutton pierced.
  • The Pilot came back for another visit
  • I have a new co-worker
  • I threw my back out
  • stressing about the election and the world
  • decluttering to sell my house

I guess today, I will talk about the time with the pilot. We don’t talk a lot but we do text almost every day. He works such late hours and I hate to bother him at work. He has told me that he will always answer a call from me though. When I do call, he never acts irritated that I bothered him.  He flew back down about three weeks ago. He came in bright and early on a Saturday. I picked him up at the airport and once again, we just really enjoyed our time together. We were not as active this time but we also had more time together. The weather has taken a turn for the colder here in Colorado and the Arizona guy gets cold fast. He was here for 48 hours this time. We spent most of the weekend walking around town. We had thought about  driving over the mountains to my favorite neighboring town but it was snowing int he high country so I didn’t want to do that drive. Instead, I drove him around here a bit and brought him to my house. He tinkered with my son’s guitar a bit and he was approved of by the dogs.  He loves to play music and  I could have listened to him play much longer. Of course, I had to tell him how sexy that was.

I am driving down to Arizona on Wednesday for my new camping/hiking trip and plan on spending a few days with him while I am there. He is actually taking Friday through Sunday off to spend with me. I am very excited BUT I am really starting to overthink this situation. I really like him and I think that he likes me BUT the distance is definitely an issue. I want a partner more than every few weeks. I have never done a long distance relationship for very long before. I know that I do not want to move to Phoenix and if I ever change my mind on that, it will be a while. I cannot imagine giving things up for a man again. I never want to be in that position again. I have a good job, benefits, retirement plan here. He has his own business there, his mom, his son and his life. Will either of us ever be willing to make the change so we can be together (if it gets to that). I overthink and I doubt. I have a hard time even considering giving us a chance. I am trying to just live in the moment but my brain won’t stop.

One of the things I really like about what we have is this relationship is definitely not based on sex. It is so easy for that to take over in the beginning of a relationship but with the distance between us, it really can’t. Even when he got here last time, I would have been perfectly happy to go straight to the hotel for some intimate time but he just wanted to go check in and head out to town. He said we had plenty of time for sex. He is interested and doesn’t seem to have  problem with performing so I think he just really wants to know me. That is real nice. I guess I just need to relax and learn to take things slowly and enjoy what he and I have while we have it.

They say the third time is the charm. Three times you are out. I think that Broncos Fan just blew any chance with me. I shared previously how he blew me off on my birthday. 

We worked past that but it definitely make me look at things with him differently. Things had started off so good and I actually thought that we might develop into something. After that incident, I stepped back and decided that I really needed to take it slow with him. I am so glad that I changed my tone. He has now blown me off not once, not twice, not even three times but FOUR!!!! My birthday was bad enough but I wasn’t heartbroken. I mentioned that we were supposed to get together that Tuesday. I messaged him asking about the plans and he cancelled on me. He stated that he had to be in town at 0730 the next morning so didn’t think he could handle going out. I let him off the hook but I was really bothered. I live thirty minutes farther from town than he does. If we had gone out, I would have gotten home later than him and had to be at work in town at 0800 the next morning. He would been home more than an hour longer than I would have been so I felt he wimped out on me. The third time he flaked out on me was something coming up this weekend. My family has access to Denver Broncos tickets. I had invited him to go to the game with me this Sunday. He originally said yes and was supposedly excited to join me.  I put in for a vacation day on Monday and it was a date. He was looking for a new job and was lucky to find one pretty quickly BUT when he took the job, he had his start day be this Monday. I do know that maybe there wasn’t a choice BUT usually when you start a job, you can say, I have plans on such and such a day, can I start the next day. I have never had that be a problem when I was hired somewhere. I decided to let it go  but due to having some other problems, I almost had to cancel the trip, I got things worked out and a friend of mine is going with me. Tonight was the last one, He has been out of town for a week. We haven’t seen each other since the 1st. He called me last night and said he wanted to see me before I left town tomorrow. We planned a date for tonight. I think all we were going to do was hang at his place and watch some television and then I would have driven my 30 minutes home to my place to drive to Denver (almost 6 hours) tomorrow. This morning, he texts me and told me that today was going to be too busy for him and he was going to have to cancel. I told him okay but was not a happy woman.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend and I had a girls day. We talked a lot about our kids and their relationships. One of the things that she said that wishes that she could get her kids to realize is that what we see at the beginning is the best it is going to be. If someone is unreliable at the beginning that is not going to get better. I remember thinking then that it was a wise thing for all of us single people to remember. Broncos Fan is a nice man but he is not wanting to make sacrifices or make the time to spend it with me. If it were important to him, he would. I think maybe he was right when he said that we should just be friends. I can enjoy watching football with him but the man that I want to date wants to make time to be with me. I need to let him know this but first, I am heading out of town for a few days.  I deserve a man that puts me first and shows that I am important to him.

The pilot came into town last Friday. I was so excited all day. I was unsure before if he would really like him when we hadn’t been drinking all day. We met at Brewfest and had been tasting beer for hours. I know that I was a bit tipsy and was really enjoying the flirting. I was honestly just looking to get laid that day. I hadn’t had sex in months and he was fun and cute. That didn’t happen but we had fooled around and enjoyed each others company. When he said that he was going to come back to visit me, I was surprised but since he has his own plane, getting here is not as difficult. We chatted a few times during the week but I was still a bit unsure. I was pretty sure that he was going to cancel at the last minute. I have definitely gotten so I have little confidence in men and their words. He texted me the morning of and told me he was on his way. He texted me when he was about halfway here and then again when he was flying above my town. I actually looked up and saw his plane. He took an Uber to town and got a hotel room. I got off work about an hour later and went over. I was a little nervous. I was a lot excited. I came in, we chatted a bit and discussed our plans for the weekend. I have a shop local coupon book so we decided to use some of those when he was in town. We discussed payments for the date. He said that he was taking me out so for me not to worry about it. He was leaving Sunday morning so we had from 5pm Friday until 8am Sunday for our first date. He wanted to go somewhere nice so I chose the Seafood/Steak place in town. I cleaned up after my busy day walking, put on my sexy red dress and we went out. Dinner was great. We had nice appetizers and I had salmon and he had trout for dinner. We both had a drink. After dinner, we went to another bar in town that I like and had a drink there. We walked around town a little bit. I believe that is all we did that night and went back to the hotel where we chatted a lot and then, of course, we had amazing sex. Oh what a wonderful night this was and it was just the beginning.

I slept so much better than I expected, strange man, strange bed. I woke up so energetic and ready to go. Before he had gotten here, we had discussed going on a hike and soaking at the local hot springs but then he threw a wrench in the plans. I had planned a fairly long hike but he wanted to take me up in his plane. I had only been in a small prop plane once in my life and did not like it. It was back in 1987 on a flight from here to Denver. Sitting in the back, tiny windows, bouncing around, it was NOT fun. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to go up but I figured that I would give it a try. I love a challenge. I love adventure. He asked if I thought I could eat first so we went out to a local place and had a great breakfast and headed out to the airport. His plane is a little four seater similar to this one. Grumman-American AA-5 Traveler [1974] N7107L-L

He went through the entire preflight check and showed me everything that he was doing. He had me get in and we were off. I was surprisingly not scared. We were up for about an hour. We started off flying out to my house so I could show him where I lived. I think he was surprised how out in the boonies I live. After that, he took my hand, put it on the controls and had me fly the plane. I was so excited. I had no idea he was taking pictures at first but I am so glad that he did. I had no idea that flying a plane was appealing to me. After about an hour and flying over my house and my town and county, we headed back to the airport.6I had to choose a new hike as the one I had chosen was a long hike and by this time, it was too late to start a long hike and still have soaking time. We chose a short in town hike that takes you to a view to look at the town in a different aspect than from the plane. After that, we headed off to the hot springs. I had been given a couple of free passes and I thought that would be a good way to use them. We spent a couple of hours soaking and talking until I realized that I was hungry. We went to one of my favorite places in town and had a couple of tacos. After changing clothes and getting cleaned up, we went back out on the town. I had a couple of “buy one pint, get one free” from a couple of places so we went to them and then to the distillery and had a drink and watched the live music there. It was so comfortable with him and such a wonderful weekend. Sunday morning came way too soon as he wanted to take off in the calm morning. I have no idea when I am going to see him again but cannot wait. So much for just a hook-up.

So much has happened since my last post. Two weekends ago, I had a date with Broncos fan. We went to a bar after work and had a couple of drinks and then went back to his place. We fooled around a bit but talked more than anything.  Eventually, he asked me to be his girl but I told him no. It had been less than a week since he told me that he wasn’t sure he wanted to date. He is not ready and I am not ready for a commitment with anyone.  We went to his bed to watch a film in bed but we couldn’t find anything on the tv that we wanted to watch. He had me roll over and gave me a massage until I fell asleep. We were supposed to go hiking the next day but when we woke up, it was cloudy and raining. He had an errand to run and afterwards, we decided since the weather wasn’t conducive to hiking, we stayed in and watched films all day. We had a nice relaxing day. We did eventually have sex but, unfortunately, I am not thrilled with a few things about him physically. One, he  is very hairy. I honestly do not know if I can get used to that. He also wears a semi-permanent hair piece that feels weird to touch. I think I would rather have a bald man than one with obvious lines that you feel when you touch their hair. He is sweet and we never run out of things to say but he has shown himself to be a bit fickle and unreliable. He has flaked out three times in the one month since we went on our first date.  He is also a perfect gentleman, holds doors, walks on the street side, and stands when I enter a room. He makes me laugh. He has made three CD’s for me of music that he wanted to share with me. He gave me a couple Broncos things that I will treasure. He talks too much and interrupts often but he does seem to care about how I feel about things and when I pointed out that he interrupts a bit, he has consciously tried to be aware of it. He has been out of town for a week. We have texted a bit but he was learning his new job and I was busy over the weekend and at work this week so we haven’t talked much. We might be able to  get together before I leave town Saturday, depending on wen he gets back. I am real glad that he flaked out on me quickly as it has made me take this one real slow and not rush things. I am going in with my eyes open. Next…..the date with the Pilot.

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