dating


Last weekend, I went on a short ice cream date when I went to visit my son. My son was at an event so I figured I would do something. The guy talked about how much he hated various things and ended up making a very racist remark to me and then told me how he is not racist. I left that “date” once again wondering why I even bother anymore. I love my life. Most of the time I am not lonely. Do I really want to bring someone into my life that is going to take my time away from the things that are important to me? From what I have seen since I started dating it most men want to change us into who they want us to be. I am not “good enough” for them for whatever reason OR they are not right for me. I keep meeting men that are religious (even though I am very clear that I won’t date a religious man), crude,  or needy. Is it so much to ask to find a man that is non-religious. We are now a large part of the community. Is it so much to ask to find a man that can speak in proper English (most of the time), reads books, listens to music, is athletic and takes care of himself and cares for humanity? He doesn’t have to match me 100% but there are some things that are very important to me. I want him to have teeth. I want him to be well kept. I don’t want to be with a fat man that does not take care of himself. I walk almost ten miles a day for work. I also do karate 2 times a week. I hike on weekends. I kayak, I love football. I do drink but can have fun without it. I ski. I don’t want a partner that wants to sit on his ass and watch TV all the time, though I do love to watch television and movies. I read a lot. I would love to have someone to share books and discuss books with. I am very liberal so a Trump supporter does not fit in my life but many of them ask me out because I am cute. I am fifty years old but don’t look it. I am about 120 pounds trying to gain muscle mass but I want more than a physical relationship. I want to be physically attracted to my partner. It would be great to find someone to go to Comic Con with, as well as brew fests, film festivals, and wine festivals. I have gotten so I am comfortable going by myself. Is that a good or bad thing. I am finding that the longer that I am single and alone, the less tolerant I am of partner issues. Last weekend, my mom and daughter also came to visit my son. We had four of us trying to decide where to eat. I am so used to making decisions without anyone’s input anymore. I was really having a hard time with the indecision. Finally I just said that I didn’t care where I went. I would have a beer at one place and a margarita at the other. That was when my mom finally put in an opinion. For breakfast the next day, I just made a decision. Will I ever be able to let someone completely into my life again? One of my concerns with men I meet are ones that have never been in a long relationship because I am afraid that they will not be able to handle the changes of one. Am I becoming that person? Am I doomed to be my mother and single the rest of my life? I love who I am and how I am growing in independence daily but it scares me, also. There are days or moments that I am lonely sometimes lonely as hell. Days that I just want someone to love me. Today is one of them. Here is it Mother’s Day and I am all alone. I have three great kids but they are grown. I am no longer the focus of their lives, as it should be. The oldest had the morning with her boyfriend and is at home 300 miles away right now. The middle one that lives with me had to work today. The youngest hasn’t come home for the summer from college yet.  I have spent the day doing chores in my house but not as much as I should have. Most of the day has been spent paying bills and watching Shanarrah Chronicles. I started drinking margarita’s a drink ago. It would have been nice to not be alone today. Tomorrow is a quiet day but then Tuesday through Thursday, I go non-stop. I get up, go to work, and eat all day. After work, I either have my karate class or my atheist meeting. By Friday, I am usually exhausted so if I have no plans that night, I am actually usually relieved but going out for an hour or two after work is not a terrible thing. Saturday is my errand day if I stay in town. I also take an hour or two to sit at Starbucks with a coffee, a book, and my pup (outside patio). I really enjoy my Saturdays. Sometimes, I go on a hike or something like that instead.

I think I am just needing to accept being alone.It is so much easier and there are so many frogs out there. I haven’t found anyone worth my time in almost a year and he ghosted me after four weeks of telling me how much he liked me. I am not sure it is worth the risk and pain anymore. I can take care of myself. Financially is a struggle but it is getting better.  I refuse to let loneliness take over my life so I will stay busy and active. If someone decent enters my life, I hope I can accept him in.

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My friendship with R is so good and the man is so kind and caring. I love him and his kid. He is often texting me when he is in town offering me a coffee when he is at the coffee shop or just texting asking if I need a hug. He does this especially if he knows I have been having a hard day. We have been doing so well with not crossing the line of friendship lately. My Self Control-He didn’t stop me We had another movie night where we did nothing. It was so nice and I thought we had finally gotten to where I could be around him and not want to kiss him. Well, I was wrong. In the past few weeks, the communication with us has increased and the way he looks at me and hugs me just makes me melt. I finally kissed him again the other day and told him that I couldn’t help myself. It was just a peck but still, it was nice. We both wanted to see Ready Player One so we decided to have a date night when his son was with mom.

It was so mice to just have some time with him. We snuggled as much as you can at the theater and then we decided to go out to eat. While we were eating, he told me that he had no reason to behave anymore. Damn, I am weak. Next thing I know, we are driving to his place and have a wonderful night. Every time I woke, he was holding me and it was such a nice relaxing night and morning. I guess we are back to FWB because I know his feelings haven’t changes, though he sure acts like a boyfriend in so many ways. When he hugs me, I feel so safe and comfortable. I love the feeling and wish I could have it every day. Oh well. Maybe someday. Until then, I will enjoy my life.

I know that I have mentioned before that I am too busy to date and now it is becoming an issue. The photographer and I have gone out a few more times. We spent one lovely day together. Took his Porsche to a neighboring town, had lunch, soaked in the hot springs, then had a nice dinner. During lunch, he told me that he is developing feelings for me and would like to see if things develop. We haven’t been out since because of our schedules. I am still not sure if I want to date him. I really enjoy his company but am not physically attracted to him. We also have a problem that he is a spontaneous person. I live 40 minutes from town. I need to know what my plans are before I leave my house in the morning. It affects how I dress, do my hair, if I put on make up, if I need to plan dinner. I also have pets that need to be taken care of so I need to make sure the roommate (my adult child) will be able to take care of them. If I am coming straight home after work, I tend to just throw on a pair of jeans and t-shirt. I change into a uniform when I get to work and then come home in the same jeans and t shirt. There are times that I leave my house thinking that I might go out and will prepare accordingly BUT for the most part, I am a planner. I know what I am doing every night this week after work and will have my weekend planned by Thursday night. The photographer will contact me at four during a weeknight and want to go out that night. By then, if I don’t have plans to go out, I have plans to go home and chill. My mindset is on relaxing. I walk over ten miles a day at work. I cannot go out every night. I need to sleep a lot to give my muscles time to recover. I can be spontaneous if I know I am spending the time with the person and we can play things by ear. That is what we did on that date three weeks ago. I just need to do some planning. In the mean time, I have had a few real quiet weekends and have gotten so I really am enjoying my own company more than ever. I did have a nice night with R this weekend but for the most part, I have not been dating and am very comfortable with that.

 

Tonight was another disastrous first date. I met this one on POF. He actually read my profile and his profile looked hopeful. We chatted for a couple of days and I took the bull by the horns and suggested we meet for coffee or a drink. He said a drink sounded good and we set the day for today. This morning, I wake up with a message from him that he waited for an hour LAST night. Boy did I feel bad though he is the one that messed up. We decided to still meet tonight so after work today, I rushed over to the winery for a nice glass of wine and a date.

He got there early (a plus), he was clean, polite, kind, had his teeth. Not the best looking guy but not bad either. I know opinions of looks can change when you get to know someone. We both ordered a glass of wine and the conversation started. I made the mistake of asking about his kids and how long since he had been divorced about five minutes in. I thought those were simple questions. Tell me about your kids. State a number of years since divorce and then move on to a new subject. Instead, the rest of our ninety minutes was spent learning about his marriage, details of fights in the marriage, and how awful she is. He did ask me one question. What happened to my marriage? I told him that I really didn’t know. I was surprised with the divorce and it didn’t really matter.

He went on to tell me about how she has full custody, he hasn’t seen the two younger kids in years, and there is a restraining order against him from her. These things are all based on lies though. He did nothing wrong. Supposedly, he has been plotting to kill her and the kids.  He went into details about fights they had and how she is turning the kids against him. I think this man needs to take more time before he dates again. He and I got divorced the same year and I do not want to talk about my marriage or ex hardly anymore much less let it monopolize a date. If his ex really is that nuts, I don’t want to be around all that negativity anyway. I think it was another first and last date. I just see too many red flags and negativity

I have come to the conclusion that I am too damn busy to date. In the past few weeks, I have had a total of three days with nothing on my calendar. Even if I had found someone that I am interested in, it would be difficult to find the time that would be fair to him or me. On the other hand, there is the part of me that knows if I found someone I was interested in, I would probably find the time.

I work from 8-5 every day and walk about 25,000 steps so I don’t tend to want to go out late on weekdays. If I go out on a weekday, I want it to be an early night. If I go out on a date, it won’t be a long one. It is good for an out with a first date but if things were to progress…….. well, maybe not so much if I want real time with the guy.  My schedule is nuts. Tuesdays and Thursdays I am in karate again. Three Wednesdays a month I have standing plans. Two of them are game night until 8 at the local winery and the other one is my Skeptic and Atheist Meeting. That leaves four nights and two days. I need time to do housework, time to chill, time for blogging, etc.  In the past few weeks I have ushered at the college concert hall twice, I have had dinner with a couple  of friends, The #Metoo march, movie with  my kid and R and his kid, and I am volunteering at the local film festival for the next few days. The next month doesn’t look as busy right now but my life is very busy and full.  I wonder if I can find the time if I find a real man that has possibility?

I wonder how others handle this. I love my alone time. I love my independence. I love being able to binge on a show with no guilt. I love being able to go in the kitchen and cook what I want when I want. I hate to be alone forever due to the fact that I have a life.

Last night I went out with my friend, the photographer.  We met on a dating site three or four years ago and went on a couple of dates but it never went anywhere. I never felt a physical connection with him but enjoyed  his company. Over the years, every time we run into each other, he gives me these great hugs and we have become decent friends. About a month ago, we went out for dinner and I realized how much I enjoy his company. I wish I felt some physical connection because he is just wonderful. We have so much in common. We went out last night again. We were at the restaurant for hours and had such a nice time. We talked quite a bit about dating.  He has been divorced for a long time and has no kids. He was involved with a woman not that long ago. They talked about marriage but she broke it off with him a year ago. The talk about dating turned interesting when we realized that we both feel the same way about dating. I had actually posted on Facebook.

“I think that might be part of the problem. I really am enjoying the freedom of being single. I would like someone but don’t want to give up my freedom. Finding a man who feels the same is difficult. I have met a couple that want to be attached at the hip immediately and I do not want that at all. I have an active full life now. Do I really have time for a man??? I am not sure but there are times I really want one. Is there a rent a boyfriend plan out there for the nights I want to snuggle and Netflix with someone besides my pup?” 

when she said that when I quit looking I will find someone.

He and I started joking about the pros and cons of being with someone. We both love the idea of having someone to snuggle with and be the companion but we also love that no one is expecting us to watch things we do not want to watch, complain about our sleeping habits, complain about me reading in bed, etc. We were laughing so hard about  all the different things we do NOT miss about being in a relationship.

After dinner, we came back to my house and snuggled on the couch and watched a movie. We had a nice night. He asked if he should stay and snuggle but I chose not to. I really do like him. I wonder if a physical attraction can develop. If not, I have a great friend that I can honestly share things with and laugh.

I feel that I have hardly stopped since Snowdown. Last week was a recovery week and I was so tired and last weekend was catch up  at home. I have had a lot going on and have hardly had any down time at home. I hate when I have blog posts running through my head all day and I can’t get them down. I am going to try and get to some of the ones I have thought of the past couple of weeks. My big one was Valentine’s Day. It has never been my favorite “holiday” but I still always would have liked acknowledgement. Before marriage, it seemed I was always single on Valentine’s Day. Too often, a boy/man would break up with me just prior. During my marriage, I learned that the ex was not romantic at all. I would have been happy with a nice dinner, a flower or bouquet, anything even remotely romantic. He didn’t give flowers often because HIS MOM didn’t like getting flowers. I LOVE getting flowers and he knew this.  Occasionally, I would get a card or something but I learned to not expect us to do anything romantic for anything. I would suggest weekends away, even to somewhat local places so we could save money. I would suggest things all the time and he poo-pooed them all the time. The last few years of the marriage, it, of course, got worse. Six years before the divorce, our middle child was given a dozen roses at school by a boy that liked her. They were not dating. They were beautiful and I was so happy for her. We put them  in a vase and had them prominently on display. A few hours later, the ex came in, threw a single rose on the table and said, “here is your VD flower.” Wow. I just wanted to cry and shove it up his ass.

He filed for divorce on January 14th and here in Colorado, your first court date is one month later. Yep, I went to divorce court for a divorce I didn’t want on VALENTINE’S DAY. I still cannot believe they do that. There are some days that divorce court should not happen. I was a mess. I had a severe anxiety attack. The people in the courthouse sent me to Adult Protective Services downstairs to make sure I was okay. It was terrible.

Since then, I have tried to not let that day completely ruin Valentine’s for me. I could find a romantic man that enjoys doing things for his gal. My first one single was great. A guy I was dating and I went skiing and he reserved a table for us at the restaurant at the top of the mountain. I had no idea. He knew that I was having a hard time and he was so sweet. He and I were not ready for a relationship at the time. We were both the first dates after 20+ year marriages. We were good for each other and he helped me a lot. I hope I helped him. The following two years I was dating ex/bf bff and R. Exbff and  I went on a cruise right afterwards and R and I had a great date. They both gavve me flowers. Last year I was single but still received flowers from someone that was interested. I don’t know why but this year hit me hard. I was single and feeling very alone. Maybe because there have been no prospects since ice cream man. I have no idea. For the most part, I have been doing well but the days leading up to and on Valentine’s Day last week, I was getting grouchier and moodier. I cried a lot and just wanted someone to hold me. I had someone tell me to just ignore it but when yo are walking up and down main street with every window having ads for Valentines, every radio station, TV station ad is about love, it is hard to ignore. The person that told me this is basically a hermit.  I was so ready for the day to be over. I got off work and went to my car and see R drive up. He gets out of his car and tells me that he failed. He was holding a bouquet of flowers that he was going to put on my car anonymously.  He told me that he knew it was a hard day for me. I just wanted to cry. The man says there is something missing in our relationship and that is why we aren’t dating but it is obvious that he really cares for me. Why won’t he accept my heart? I would give it willingly. Oh well, he made my day better and I do know that he loves me, just not enough.

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