dating web sites


Recently I wrote a post about The men in my life  since my divorce. One of the “what ifs” was The raft guide. He and I met on POF almost a year after my divorce. Our first date, he drove out to my town to one of our few bars and we met for drinks. As usual, I was a bit nervous. I hadn’t dated much at this time. I had never hung out at this bar previously. It is a bit of a dive and my ex-husband and I never went out anywhere. I will always remember our first date. Oh my goodness, I laughed so much. I had a great time and could not wait to see him again. We really hit it off. Our next date, we went out to eat and ended up making out in the parking lot a bit. We quickly decided that we needed to be a couple. I actually loved every minute we had together. We would go out at times. We would play on the river. We would cuddle on the couch and rub each others feet. He was very kind and sweet BUT there was an issue. I was so damn insecure. As an avid rafter, he had trips planned before he met me. At the time, I didn’t know how hard it was to get permits for some of these trip. They sometimes are planned a year ahead. I had no idea the protocols. When he got ready and planned for a long trip and didn’t invite me, I was hurt. I didn’t know that part of the permits are who is going. I thought that he just wasn’t that into me. I needed to be the center of his world. I was so damn messed up and clingy. I ended it with him and regretted it almost immediately. We didn’t speak for a long time. He ignored my messages that I would send occasionally. Over three years, I sent maybe a dozen messages, saying hi. There were a few that told him I was sorry that I handled it improperly. One telling him I got a ducky for the river. I apologized to him and knew he would never talk tome again. I was so sad as he was so much FUN. I never stopped missing him.

When I started this job, I would occasionally run into him on the street and we would talk for a few minutes. It was always nice but I still missed really talking to him.  I wanted to be his friend and knew I had probably hurt him. When I signed back up on the dating site, he sent me a message telling me that I really am a good person. We started talking from that moment. I have no idea what the future holds. He says he is not looking for a relationship with anyone at this time but I have the friendship back. We have spent some time together, including paddling down the river this past weekend. It is nice to be hanging out with him again. I wish I had been ready when I had met him and we had taken it slower. Who knows where things would be now. I will never forget his original dating profile. He said he wanted to find someone to grow old with. He said he wanted to be one of those cute little old couples holding hands. That is really what I want, too. I do wonder if I blew it with him but his friendship is more important. He is the kind of man that is a good friend. Only time will tell what will happen here but I am glad he is back in my life. I have missed him a lot in the three years we were not talking.

The Canadian was supposedly sick and last I spoke to him was one week ago. He was supposedly going back home for a wedding and was going to be back on Monday. I told him I was leaving town on Thursday and he asked if we could go out one night before I left (Mon- Wed). I told him that I would like that and then waited.

Today is Wednesday.  It is now after nine at night and I haven’t heard from him at all. He has disappeared from the dating site. I figure he must be married or something. I will NOT be giving him another chance. I will not be contacting him. I will  not be fretting about this. It is his loss. I am so good without him. Even if he is not a lying creep, I want a man that is reliable. He is definitely not it.

I have been absent for so long. I have been reading but honestly have had no time to write in weeks. I have been enjoying having the boy home from college and was also out of town for almost a week. I actually thought I would have time to write on the trip but I had absolutely no down time. I am hoping that things have settled down and I can start writing again at least once a week. Obviously, I am not going to talk about everything that has happened while gone so I will start with my latest first date.

I saw this guy on Plenty of Fish. He had an interesting profile and a great smile so I sent him a message. We talked for a couple of days and I took the bull by the horns and asked him if he wanted to meet. I am so tired of waiting for men to make the first move. We had a date set up for that upcoming Sunday which was also a huge event in our town. I had things to do prior to the date but I looked absolutely adorable. It was one of those times when you leave the house and you feel GOOD!!! I ran my errands and then was in town a bit early so I decided to go have a beer while I was waiting. I ran into a friend of mine and we were watching the local event when I got a text from the new guy- The Canadian. He was cancelling an hour prior to the date. After having three other men do that in the last year, I was a bit pissed. My friend and I ended up hanging out and I had a pity date. We had a good time but I was debating whether or not to give the new guy a second chance. He was very persistent and hopeful so I decided I would.  We went out the nigh before my trip and he is super sweet. I did not touch a door all night. He was quite a gentleman. He was well groomed, very polite, we had a lot in common. His teeth aren’t great but no one is perfect. When the date ended, we both had expressed our interest in having another date and that will be tomorrow night.

He has dual citizenship. Been married once, no kids, loves animals, liberal. We will have to see if there is anything there. Stay tuned……..

 

After I became single again, I was quite surprised to have so many YOUNG men hit on me. At first I was pretty horrified as was my eldest daughter. We would go out and guys her age would hit on me. She did not understand and would be hurt. I came to the conclusion after several events that there were a few reasons. The first is that they knew that I wasn’t going to be looking for a  relationship with them and she might. Another reason was given to me by several men that I know and that is I have a confidence that she doesn’t have. At first, I was very resistant to any man more than a few years younger, though I am a young forty nine. No one ever believes that I am the age that I am. After dating or going out on quite a few dates in four years, I have realized that most men older than me are too old. I have been mostly dating men five to eight years younger. I did go out with one man about ten years younger and he was SO YOUNG but then went out with another guy the same age and it wasn’t an issue. Men, so often, date women much younger. Why is there a double standard for women. I like men. I am still attracted to young men and some are attracted to me. They  are always surprised when they find out I am almost fifty. I can keep up with them in activities. I am fit. I am not grey and have few wrinkles. I am aging well. I have had  many men around my age mention how much older they are than me. Is there really an issue for a woman to date a much younger man. If they are both consenting adults, why is there a double standard?

I am not really looking to get involved with someone much younger but am  wondering about this from others views. The young ones are fun to flirt with though, I do admit that.

without the dating sites. I tried the traditional way of meeting men and managed to go on ONE date and it wasn’t good. I am starting to wonder if I am doomed to be alone. I have met so many wonderful men in the past four years but no one that our feelings are mutual. I have been spending so much time with R lately and know that I have to start looking elsewhere. He cannot love me (or admit he does). I hate for either of us to move on because I will miss him terribly if we quit seeing each other BUT I have got to try. Of course, we were matched again on line. We are so good together but as much as I want to be okay with things the way they are indefinitely, I cannot. I eventually want to be loved again and to love again. I eventually want to be in a relationship again. I want to grow old with someone. I want to be with someone daily. I want to wake up with someone. I want to eat with someone. I want to go to bed with someone. Is that too much to ask? I am starting to think so, at least with the dating pool that I have here. This is one of the major drawbacks or being in a small town. My dating profile says no long distance men and that is realistic because I do not want to move and do not want anyone to move for me.

I have been on POF and OKCupid again for one week and it is mostly the same men that were there three years ago when I went on the first time. There are occasional new men but not many. I am looking for a non-theist and non-conservative. Maybe I am too picky. I keep having men that live far away or religious men contact me. They do not even read the damn profiles but how the hell am I supposed to meet men otherwise. I keep trying but everyone I meet is either way young or married. There are two police officers that I get along with well but both are married. There is a fun photographer in town but he is very religious. R won’t love me. The Banker….. well, who knows with him. There are several men in town that flirt with me constantly but there are issues with all of them. One I met online a few  years ago. He is a lot of fun but is an alcoholic that has a reputation with women that is not great. I like him as a friend but am not attracted to him and even if I was, I would be concerned about his past. It is a bit violent and he is still drinking.

I have had a few of the men I have met in the past send me messages on the dating site telling me that they hope I am doing well and what I good person or woman that I am. I deleted all but one. The rafter that I mentioned in my last post. I actually asked him out again but he hasn’t responded. I sure wish we could hang out occasionally. He is so damn much fun.

I am  not going to pay for either of the sites right now but will be on them and hope that maybe I can meet someone again. I think maybe our town is way too small for me to  meet anyone the traditional way. No one new at my Meetups. No one old enough at game nights. I am going to try geek trivia night and see but my guess is they will all be young, too.

The other day as I was walking around town writing tickets, my thoughts kept going to the various men that I have met since my divorce. Some have brought lots of joy, some not so much. I have gone on a lot of first dates, several multiple dates, and even tried relationships with a couple of men. I was thinking about the effect they have had on my current life, my views on dating, my views on love, my mistakes with them, their mistakes with me. It can be very interesting when you spend most of your day alone. You have a lot of time to think.

There have been a few men that I barely remember meeting. I wouldn’t recognize them if I saw them again. Obviously, they didn’t make much of an impression and we only went on one date. There are a couple that made enough of an impression that I remember the date and why I didn’t like the guys. I don’t remember their names or what they look like.

There are a few that almost became special. They are the If Only’s……The builder was the first one that I dated. It was too early for both of us. He was going through his divorce. He is a wonderful man, that unfortunately is an alcoholic. We have remained friends. The Mechanic was a perfect gentleman but took it too far (to the point of being chauvinistic) and closed off to his emotions. Our last date we saw The Fault in Our Stars and he told  me that men don’t cry and that is why he didn’t at the movie. We do not have anything to do with each other now. The Engineer….oh how he makes smile. I think we would have really given it a go if he hadn’t lived on the other side of the mountain-300 miles away. We had a few months together meeting halfway between for the weekends when we could. We had so much fun together. We have remained friends. The raft guide was so much fun and I just wan’t ready yet. I blew that one. I think he really liked me but I was needing so much more than was healthy. I was clingy and felt insecure when he didn’t want to be with me all the time. I wish we had met later. I would give us a try again if he were willing. We talk when we see each other. I wish we could be at least friends.  I actually miss him a lot and think of him often.  Of course, there was the one I called Mr Perfect. I wrote about him this past fall. He became clingy way too fast. I wish all these men happiness and wonder IF with a few of them.

Then, of course, there is the ex-bf. I don’t think I was ready yet but he was so good for me. He truly taught me to love again and that I was lovable. He and I are still close and as much as it hurt to lose him, I will never regret our time together. R is wonderful. I have no idea what the future holds. I do know that he is still looking.

 

I have spoken about different types of men and the difficulties in dating them: Men that have had serial marriages and ones with young kids. Another one that actually terrifies me possibly more than the others is one that has never had a long term commitment. When I was on the dating sites, I realized that so many men had never had a relationship longer than a year or  two and  were in there forties. For me, I couldn’t help but wonder WHY they have never been committed to someone. Can they not make that step? Would a man like that be worth giving a try?

For me, everyone that I have met in this category seems unable  to  make the step. The latest is the glass cutter. We actually met on a dating site about three years ago. We talked about meeting and really hit it off. Next thing I knew, he was engaged to another woman and dropped me as a friend on Facebook. Several months ago, we finally met in person as we have mutual friends. He never married that other gal.

He is so much fun to be with. We enjoy each others company. We have not gone beyond friendship at all. We had lunch together a couple of  times and one date. He actually texted me and told me that he really liked me but got tongue tied with me and is intimidated of me. After spending some time together, he basically told me that it isn’t worth the risk of getting hurt. We have become good friends in the past few months and I enjoy his company but he has shown me that for at least him, I was accurate in my trepidation of trying to date a man that has never had a commitment.

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