Communication


I adore ice cream guy when I am with him but when I am not, I am constantly trying to talk myself out of liking him. I know in my head that he is not the right guy long term and it stinks. We so enjoy our time together BUT he is the most unsocial person that I know. He won’t even consider going to my game nights with me.  I thought it was just because he isn’t a gamer but then he also won’t even consider going to Rocky Horror Live. Again, I figured Rocky wasn’t his thing. I then invited him to a party for Halloween and he also said no, not his thing. He doesn’t like things with crowds or small talk. I spent the last ten years of my marriage wanting to do things and the ex wouldn’t. I am now comfortable doing things by myself but do I want to forever? No, not really. We did discuss this a little and I think we both know this  is a long term problem

He also is more broke than I am. I am not looking for a sugar daddy or a man to support me but one that can afford to do something occasionally would be nice. He also doesn’t seem to follow through on things. We were supposed to go on a trip to Moab. I told him that I wanted to go on a trip and he said that would be fun and asked if he could come along. I thought that would be great. Since he  knows the area, he started looking for a place to stay and we talked about options a few times. The trip was supposed to be last weekend. We didn’t go anywhere. We were supposed to go ice skating today. I asked him to find out when the open skate was since it was something that he really wanted to do. He checked less than an hour before it started. I live 45 minutes away so that was unable to be there. It is now seven PM on Saturday night and I am home alone. This is my third weekend in a row not doing anything. He did come over last Friday night but except for a few minutes after work a couple of nights this week, I haven’t had any time with him since. I guess I was seeing something that wasn’t there. I haven’t even heard from him since I told him that tomorrows time is not good for me. I wish he wasn’t so great when we are together but I know I need more than he is currently giving me. I don’t know if he will ever be willing or able to give me more.

In the mean time, I am receiving text from other men wanting to spend time with me, including BF/ex-bf. We actually had a night out last night. We talked about US. He is wanting to spend time together again.I had to tell him that I cannot let myself fall in love with him again if he cannot love me. He asked me why I said that. I think he is truly thinking about trying again. I will always love him. He has never hurt me. I trust him implicitly. My kids love him. He is part of the family. I am terrified to give us a chance again and told him so. I did stay with him last night and we snuggled all night. It felt like being home.

I think that I am going to stick with being single for a while and just see what happens. I really don’t want to answer to anyone or have anyone have any control of me and my activities. It is easier to be alone and make my own decisions an just enjoy my life with whom I want to be with when  want to be with them. I actually thought that there was hope with the ice cream guy and I am really disappointed that I was wrong but I would rather learn that now than after I am fully invested in him. Time to move on again.

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I’ll never forget April 20th, 1999.

Source: Thoughts on Vegas, and Why Men Keep Doing This – Be Yourself

This is a real good read on what is going on with men in our society. I highly recommend The Mankind Project to help our men.

We all have our baggage and as we get older, we usually have more. Ice Cream Guy and I got together last night and we are fine. We talked a little about what happened and I realized that his reaction was from his baggage. My reaction was from my baggage. We both realize that our issues are our own. I am happy to try to continue with him. I really like him and enjoy being with him. This has made me think a lot about relationships though. I am fifty, he is fifty one. We both have been married. We had very different childhoods. We have both tried to deal with our issues in our lives.

In relationships, we have two imperfect people trying to find a way to be a couple that works together. We have to honestly look at the other person and their baggage and see what we can live with. We also have to look at ourselves and try to get past our baggage. In order to do this, we have to be honest with ourselves AND our partner. We can have very different baggage and make it work IF we can communicate and respect each others differences. That is what the Ice Cream Guy and I are going to try to do. I know understand his actions the other night and I also understand myself and why I reacted so badly. He retreats when stressed. That was probably how he protected himself as a child. He told me that he knows that I deserved better. I tend to get over emotional and insecure and anxious. I have a fear of being abandoned and not loved. We both acted in what is normal for us. I have to know in the future how he is and not take it personally and he has to try and reassure me before he completely retreats that we are fine.

We have survived our first bump. It really had nothing to do with me.

I am trying so hard to not be negative and not distrust but it is so hard for me.

Ice Cream guy and I were supposed to be together on Friday night. I have a friend that I occasionally go out with for drinks on Friday night.  Two weeks ago, I didn’t join him and his wife (also a good friend) to be with ice cream man. I haven’t hung out with this friend in a while and wanted to catch up. I asked ice cream guy if he would mind us joining the other friend for a short while. If he had said no, I would have been okay with it. He doesn’t drink but has also told me that he is regularly a DD for his friends and was okay in bars. He had met my friend briefly a couple of weeks ago and wanted them to get to know each other, The other guy (Coke dealer) and I have been friends for 31 years. I met him and his wife before they knew each other at the same time.  We have maintained this friendship. Our families are close. He is like a brother to me. He looks out for me and my kids and I am there for him and his family. I didn’t want to stay long but thought it would go okay. Boy, was I wrong.

I had thought the wife was coming also until the last minute. She ended up going to one of their kids as she was in crisis AGAIN. Ice Cream guy shows up, the guys talk for a minute but my guy is very quiet. Coke guy goes to restroom and ice cream guy says this isn’t his scene and was very cold. Friend came back, ice cream guy leaves minutes later and won’t talk to me. I freak out. I cannot date someone that won’t talk to me, that just walks away upset and won’t tell me why. Friend tells me to go after him. I did but he told me to leave him alone and kept walking. I went back to bar and proceeded to cry. Coke guy asked if he was the problem or the bar but I had no idea what triggered him. I tried calling him but his phone was off. I finished my beer and went home and cried for hours.

I texted him good morning on Saturday and he finally responded. He stated that I did nothing wrong. He had spent the afternoon looking at finances and was upset about his income.  He said he needed the weekend. So I texted him back and told him I would give him his space. I haven’t heard from or contacted him since.

There is a part of me that wants to just say to hell with him. He was a jerk and unreasonable to not talk to me.  I also know that it is hard to make it here financially and he really wants to stay here. He is having a hard time finding a decent place to live that is affordable. Having me in his life has definitely complicated matters. He actually found a place a couple of weeks ago but told me it wouldn’t work because WE would have no privacy. I know how men can internalize these things and how money can be such an issue. He actually has told me that he has had gals break up with him in the past because he didn’t make enough.  I don’t know what is going to happen now. I do know that if this continues with us, he needs to know that for me, what he did the other day was way to hard for me to deal with. I need communication. If he had just said, I had a rough day and cannot handle this I would have understood. I will not be with a man that just shuts down like that when upset. I did that for years. Never again.

As difficult as it is, I will not contact him until he contacts me. No good morning, no good night, no how are you? There is part of me that wants to just close off my heart to  men completely now. It hurt so much the other night. Is it worth it? I am not sure. My playing the field with guys with no thought of a future was not painful at all just lonely at times. I guess I will wait and see for now and give him a chance, if he wants it. If not, I will continue taking care of myself and enjoying life.

Why do relationships have to be so damn complicated? Right now, I’m watching my daughter whose heart is broken. I know many other people whose hearts are breaking right now. I know many others that are lonely or afraid to try again. Of course, there are the ones that are in miserable relationships that stay for whatever reason that they stay.

Here I am, wanting to embark and take a chance but then I’m terrified to give my heart again and/or trust. My insecurities keep coming forward for no reason whatsoever. Are my insecurities going to be what destroys this potential relationship? He is giving me no reason to be insecure yet I keep telling myself he’s pulling away and all sorts of other things. The reality is that he was out of town for the weekend and I was out of town for the weekend. We were both busy on our separate trips. He’s working more. It probably has nothing to do with me and him that I was not hearing from him as much today. He has his own vehicle at work now so he can’t text me while he’s driving. He didn’t get back into town until late last night.  Yet I find myself thinking bad things like he’s pulling away or that I saw something that wasn’t there with us.

I definitely think seeing other people struggle and sad and lonely and scared and miserable makes it so much harder for me to trust and love and try again. As I have said before with my job that I have lots of time to think. Today, I had these things run through my mind. My doubts were that I hadn’t seen ice cream guy since Friday. we had texted over the weekend. He got home late last night and so we didn’t see each other but I really wanted to see him. My mind started the doubt train. Then, I hardly heard from him today. I kept the self talk of don’t text him too much, it probably is nothing, I am being too sensitive. I don’t want to need him. I don’t want to be clingy. I don’t want him to be clingy. I was really trying to convince myself that everything was okay when I finally got the text. He asked if I remembered him and if we were going to see each other later. Whew. I did it again. I almost got myself all worked up and then he responded with making me laugh. I have got to let these insecurities go but there is always that part of me that thinks that I like someone more than they like me. We need to take it slow and see where this goes and I need to quit being paranoid that he doesn’t like me the same as I do him. It is obvious that, at this time, he does. I need to learn to trust that. We had a couple of hours tonight but he had some things to do as did I. I have time with friends the next couple of nights so he has time to work one something he needs to do for a possible permanent job here.

New guy and I texted off and on all day Sunday. We decided to have our next date on Thursday after work. I told him that I was hoping it would be sooner and he said too much of a good thing us not a good thing. I actually agree with him. If we are going to be sensible and take this slow and really give us a chance, we need to not become each others worlds. I was disappointed but thought it would definitely be Thursday. I was okay with it but wanted to see him sooner.
We were texting in the morning yesterday and he ended up inviting me to join him and his friend for their weekly burger night. I was very excited that he did that. When he got off work, he went to one of the coffee shops on main and sat outside. He texted me asking where I was. After I passed him and we talked a couple of minutes, he quickly left that spot. I am sure he was there just to see me. I actually drove by in the city vehicle two times and saw him looking up occasionally. It was sweet to see. On our fist date on Saturday, I found out that he has a quick and fun sense of humor. I always joke that I am a street walker. He had seen me on the streets before but he laughed that from now on, he will imagine red stilettos and mentioned something about a pole. I had to act on that yesterday. I spoke to him at the coffee shop for a couple of minutes and then said I had to get back to work. I took a few steps away and then swung around on one of the parking meter poles. He laughed so hard. He told me later that he was so glad that he decided to look up and watch me walking away. He was very pleased when I told him I would join him for burgers.
I got off work at six and went to the restaurant. He got there a couple of minutes later. He had gone, showered and changed clothes. He looked so nice. Dinner was awesome. He friend was nice and had no problem with me joining them. He hugged me when he got there but other than that, no touching. I am such a touchy person that no touch is difficult for me. I did so well though. Towards the end of the night, I did reach up and kiss his cheek. I told him that I couldn’t wait any longer. After dinner, his friend left and told me that he would see me next week. We left the restaurant and he asked if he could walk me to my car. He immediately grabbed my hand. It felt so nice. About a half a block later, he pulls me into an alcove and kisses me. Wow again. We get to my car, kiss some more, and he says goodnight. He is so polite. He hasn’t touched anything “inappropriate” but he is definitely interested. I will have to behave myself with this one and take it slow. I don’t want to mess this up. This guy actually has potential.

He told me on Saturday that he actually has three very good things to offer a woman. 1. He is articulate.   2. He knows how to love and 3. He knows how to receive love. Ex-bf had two out of three but didn’t know how to receive love. That is the main reason we couldn’t work. I love that new guy is not afraid of love.
Supposedly, we won’t see each other until Thursday but I doubt that will happen. He was the first thing I thought of when I woke this morning and told him that. He didn’t get scared off. I am hopeful and not afraid. It feels right. We will see what happens but I definitely have a crush on him. I am determined to not get clingy but I am definitely distracted by him.

That surprise ending the other night might become a surprise beginning. I am so glad that I broke out of my comfort zone. Just a week ago, I was saying that I didn’t have time to date. There were no good men left at least ones that were compatible for me and then BAM!! Just like in Bambi, I am walking around minding my own business, I walk into a handsome face and am twitterpated. Okay, not that blatant or strong of feelings yet but for the first time in a LONG time, I feel that I may have actually found someone that is worth considering giving some time to. I am talking about the cute guy at the bar the other day.

We met for ice cream yesterday at 3ish, per his text. I am a very punctual person so i took that at three, I got to town early, ran an errand, sat in my car for a few minutes as I didn’t want to get there too early but I am a ten minute early or you are late girl. I get out of my car at about ten till and he is crossing the street to get there. He is PUNCTUAL. We had our ice cream and I told him that I had a movie date with a friend to see IT last night so was going to be in town alone until about 8:30 but no plans until then. We talked, we walked, we decided to have dinner and walk and talk some more.  We laughed, we had not awkward moments of silence. We joked. We learned that we have so much in common. He was a perfect gentleman and never even touched me. I was actually a little disappointed a couple of times that he didn’t hold my hand. He had plenty of opportunities. We ended up sitting on a bench for the last thirty minutes together listening to some music at the distillery across the street. He kept asking how much time until I had to meet my friend. I let him know that I didn’t expect him to occupy my time until then and that I always have a book if I have to wait for someone. He wanted to stay with me. The time came to leave, five hours after we met, and he walked me to my car. He gave me a great hug. He just held me so tight. It was really nice. He whispered asking if I would like to see him again. I told him yes and asked him if he wanted to see me again. When we were hugging, I realized that he is pretty tall and pulled back to ask him how tall (6’1″) and he kissed me. WOW. That was amazing. He pulled away and said, on that note, goodnight.

I have hardly been able to keep him off my mind. He is new to the area. Actually had housing with the summer job that brought him here and is looking for a place to live right now. He just started working for the city a few weeks ago and wants to stay here. I sure hope he does. I think this guy has potential. We talked about so many things and some were pretty important. He is a year older than I am but I thought he was probably about 5 years younger. He also thought I was younger. He is physically fit, funny, kind. We have the same basic values. We have not set up a second date yet but I sure look forward to it. I have a crush on him.

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