break ups


Life has been a bit busy and crazy for the past few weeks. I thought about blogging many times and about many things BUT just have not been taking the time. I have 24 more hours with my son home and I have been enjoying every moment we have had together. I also have been doing a lot of reading and self reflection. One of the first guys I dated after my divorce was the most positive person that I have ever met. I asked him how he could always be so positive and he told me that it was because of this book by Tony Robbins that he read.

I have finally been reading this book after almost four years. I will go into it a bit in a later blog but I wanted to share one major thing that I have realized. I am GLAD that I have been alone mostly for the past five years. It has enabled me to grow. It has enabled me to learn who I really am. Time (and this book) have given me the ambition to set goals again. My life had been, for so long, all about our kids, our marriage, his career. Our kids are grown, our marriage is over and his career doesn’t affect me anymore. I have not been focusing on goals for years now. If I had stayed in the relationship with BFF or gotten serious with someone else, my focus would have become on them, their wishes, their lives, etc. This has been a great time of growth for ME and maybe, eventually, I will be able to let someone back in that fits into MY GOALS. I truly love myself and enjoy my own company. I am setting my own goals and have my own dreams now all because I have taken the time to get to know me- post marriage.

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When the ex-bf and I were having our disagreement, I realized how much I have grown confident in myself and less dependent on wanting or needing a man. Here he was dating (or trying to date someone that I highly disapprove of) and R was in Moscow meeting a gal that he had met on the dating site. A year ago, I would have wondered why I wasn’t enough for either of them but instead, I thought that neither of them were making wise moves. I do not want either of them to be taken advantage of or hurt. Going overseas to meet a partner has risks that you don’t have dating someone here already. I know there are a lot of people that marry someone to come to this country. I used to see it a lot when I was in the Philippines. I hope that if R, ends up with this gal, that she is not one of those women. Ex-bf…..I think he has stopped the actions he was doing. I hope he has. There was potential of a woman really scamming him for money.

There you have it, the two men that have meant the most to me in the past few years, both moving on and seeing other women and I was upset, not because they didn’t choose me but because I was worried about their hearts and happiness. I can let them both move on to another woman. I just hope that no matter what, we can remain friends. They both have been so important to me and my family. I trust them both with my life. You cannot say that about many people.

Life has been a bit busy for me lately and my mind has been all over the place. I really wish that I could blog every time I want to. I usually have things come to me at work and then I come home and have to feed the dogs, do things in the house, and then read and go to bed. I haven’t been dating at all.

Ex-bf and I had a rough spell in which I almost told him to leave my life. He was/is making decisions that really bothered me and made me uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure that our friendship was going to survive. I am glad to say that we worked past it.I was so sad to think that he wouldn’t be in my life anymore. We basically decided to not try again. He said that I was not showing interest but I was afraid. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to “fix” him. He is looking for a woman to fix something big. I tried for two years. I truly think that a woman will not fix the problem. I think he needs to see someone for mental help and to change a few things in his life for the problem to be fixed. I was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to love me again. He ended up saying some real mean things to me on a day that was already stressful. It is funny though that as angry as I was with him, he was the first person I wanted to contact when I needed to talk to someone and needed comfort. He was interested in this one gal and she said some not nice things about me and he decided to not see her anymore and defended me. I guess we are back to FWB. I spent a few hours with him yesterday. It is just so nice with him. It really is a shame that it won’t grow into something more but I have finally accepted that we won’t be together forever. I am going to enjoy what we have when we have it. He is my family. He is my kids family. We all love each other.

I thought that he had. I thought that the holiday season was ruined for me forever. I used to be one of the crazy holiday loving people that so many people complain about. I would think of the Solstice, Saturnalia, Christmas and just feel bright inside. I loved the music (even the religious ones), the colors, the lights, the cooking, the food, the giving, the receiving, even the crowds. I would wear my Santa hat every day. I felt so alive during the holiday season. The holidays were not always good with the ex-husband. He was a bit of a scrooge and made things more tense than they needed to be but I still loved it every year. That is UNTIL…….

He filed for divorce two weeks after Christmas. We had been having problems for a few years but that Christmas was one of our better ones. He even gave me great gifts. I was sure that things were getting better. I thought that maybe he loved me again. Even our oldest told me that he really loved me and thought things were better for us all.

I felt so betrayed. I felt lied to. I felt that the entire holiday had been a lie. I have not looked forward to it for years.  I have put off the decorating as long as possible. I have dreaded putting  up the tree and seeing the ornaments that remind me of various things in our marriage. I had thought about cancelling my annual party. I went through the motions for my kids but would have been perfectly happy just skipping the celebrations.  I actually have had good Christmases in the past few years but I still dreaded them. BF/ex-boyfriend has been with us for a couple of them.

This year, for some reason, I am more myself. my kiddo/roommate was working today and I brought in the decorations, put on the music and almost finished decorating the house. Last night, I went to Noel Night  in town with my nephew. I am excited for my party. I am excited for the holiday season again. I enjoyed singing the songs while I decorated today. I have my holiday back. I have no idea what changed for me this year but I am happy  about it. This has always been my favorite time of year. I definitely do not have any more money this year, things are not perfect but I can enjoy all the things I love about this time.  I am lucky that all three kids are choosing to spend the holiday with me this year, too. Now I just need snow to make it as perfect as it can be.

I have been reminded of why I fell in love with ex-bf. I have told him that I am not just jumping into a relationship with him again. I told him that I am scared to.

Last week, we went out for Halloween. I absolutely love Halloween and he doesn’t. He still dressed up. We were Danny and Sandy from Grease. We went out for dinner and then for drinks. We discussed when to go in for the night and he took my hands and told me that he knows how important it was for me so we could stay out as long as I wanted. I was staying with him that night. It was the first time in over a year that I was staying with him. I was looking forward to snuggling and his company. We have always been so good together.  When we got back to his place, he drew me a bath and lit candles. While the water was running he massaged my feet. He had James Taylor playing. When I got in the bath, he massaged my shoulders, back, and neck and then he read me love poems.

Damn him. I thought that I was over him. I realized that night that I am not. I felt like I had gone home. I am not jumping into a relationship or commitment with him. I told him last night that I trust him with everything except  my heart. He wants to know how to fix that. I told him time. It took us over a year to break up. We have been apart for 15 months and it is just like nothing changed. I am so comfortable with him. This is going to be interesting. I am ready for the ride and to where it goes. I wonder if he can really truly love me this time. I know he loves me but can he get to where he needs to be to stay with me?

I adore ice cream guy when I am with him but when I am not, I am constantly trying to talk myself out of liking him. I know in my head that he is not the right guy long term and it stinks. We so enjoy our time together BUT he is the most unsocial person that I know. He won’t even consider going to my game nights with me.  I thought it was just because he isn’t a gamer but then he also won’t even consider going to Rocky Horror Live. Again, I figured Rocky wasn’t his thing. I then invited him to a party for Halloween and he also said no, not his thing. He doesn’t like things with crowds or small talk. I spent the last ten years of my marriage wanting to do things and the ex wouldn’t. I am now comfortable doing things by myself but do I want to forever? No, not really. We did discuss this a little and I think we both know this  is a long term problem

He also is more broke than I am. I am not looking for a sugar daddy or a man to support me but one that can afford to do something occasionally would be nice. He also doesn’t seem to follow through on things. We were supposed to go on a trip to Moab. I told him that I wanted to go on a trip and he said that would be fun and asked if he could come along. I thought that would be great. Since he  knows the area, he started looking for a place to stay and we talked about options a few times. The trip was supposed to be last weekend. We didn’t go anywhere. We were supposed to go ice skating today. I asked him to find out when the open skate was since it was something that he really wanted to do. He checked less than an hour before it started. I live 45 minutes away so that was unable to be there. It is now seven PM on Saturday night and I am home alone. This is my third weekend in a row not doing anything. He did come over last Friday night but except for a few minutes after work a couple of nights this week, I haven’t had any time with him since. I guess I was seeing something that wasn’t there. I haven’t even heard from him since I told him that tomorrows time is not good for me. I wish he wasn’t so great when we are together but I know I need more than he is currently giving me. I don’t know if he will ever be willing or able to give me more.

In the mean time, I am receiving text from other men wanting to spend time with me, including BF/ex-bf. We actually had a night out last night. We talked about US. He is wanting to spend time together again.I had to tell him that I cannot let myself fall in love with him again if he cannot love me. He asked me why I said that. I think he is truly thinking about trying again. I will always love him. He has never hurt me. I trust him implicitly. My kids love him. He is part of the family. I am terrified to give us a chance again and told him so. I did stay with him last night and we snuggled all night. It felt like being home.

I think that I am going to stick with being single for a while and just see what happens. I really don’t want to answer to anyone or have anyone have any control of me and my activities. It is easier to be alone and make my own decisions an just enjoy my life with whom I want to be with when  want to be with them. I actually thought that there was hope with the ice cream guy and I am really disappointed that I was wrong but I would rather learn that now than after I am fully invested in him. Time to move on again.

I am so surprised by my emotions today. R is such a wonderful man He owns a carpet cleaning business and even though we haven’t been a couple in so long, came over to do my bedroom for free. I actually asked him how much and he said he wouldn’t charge me. Today, he comes over on his day off and cleans my bedroom and my sofa and futon in the Bronco/TV room.

We sit down afterwards and have some lemonade  and talk. He asks me about the ice cream man. That is what everyone has dubbed the new guy so I guess that is his moniker here. I told him a little as how well things are going. We chatted a bit and then he packed up his equipment and we hugged. I told him that I love him and for the first time he told me the same. I just started crying and told him that I know. I have always known. Damn, I am such a big baby. We dated for about four weeks in winter of 2016. I knew we didn’t have a future very early as he told me that something was missing and he didn’t  know what. We have had so many good times but we have never really been a couple. He is one of the best people that I have ever known. It is difficult to move on but it is time. He dated someone else for a couple of months this summer and I finally met someone worth giving a chance. I have met several of his siblings and adore them all. I guess there was a part of me that thought things would change. He kid loves me, too. I will always love him but for now, it is time to truly try and move on. I couldn’t kiss him when he was here. That is the first  time that I haven’t wanted to kiss him since we met in January of 2016. I hate emotions sometimes. I am the one moving on. I am crazy about the ice cream guy. I can see a possible future with him.

Why am I crying so much over R? Maybe I loved him more than I realized. Maybe, it is fear of our future as friend. Maybe it is fear of change. He has been here for me for so long. Maybe it is because, he hasn’t found someone and I want him to be happy. I feel like I am abandoning him. His kid is with the mom now and his dog is dying slowly. I don’t want him to be alone. I do love him and always will. I want to be with the ice cream man now. I think there could be a future. Why was it so hard to let R go today? I felt like we were breaking up. He wiped my tears away and hugged me tighter. Maybe he had become a security blanket for me.  I don’t know but I have been crying off and on since he left my house.  I want us both to be happy. Love is so damn confusing.

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