break ups


Tonight was another disastrous first date. I met this one on POF. He actually read my profile and his profile looked hopeful. We chatted for a couple of days and I took the bull by the horns and suggested we meet for coffee or a drink. He said a drink sounded good and we set the day for today. This morning, I wake up with a message from him that he waited for an hour LAST night. Boy did I feel bad though he is the one that messed up. We decided to still meet tonight so after work today, I rushed over to the winery for a nice glass of wine and a date.

He got there early (a plus), he was clean, polite, kind, had his teeth. Not the best looking guy but not bad either. I know opinions of looks can change when you get to know someone. We both ordered a glass of wine and the conversation started. I made the mistake of asking about his kids and how long since he had been divorced about five minutes in. I thought those were simple questions. Tell me about your kids. State a number of years since divorce and then move on to a new subject. Instead, the rest of our ninety minutes was spent learning about his marriage, details of fights in the marriage, and how awful she is. He did ask me one question. What happened to my marriage? I told him that I really didn’t know. I was surprised with the divorce and it didn’t really matter.

He went on to tell me about how she has full custody, he hasn’t seen the two younger kids in years, and there is a restraining order against him from her. These things are all based on lies though. He did nothing wrong. Supposedly, he has been plotting to kill her and the kids.  He went into details about fights they had and how she is turning the kids against him. I think this man needs to take more time before he dates again. He and I got divorced the same year and I do not want to talk about my marriage or ex hardly anymore much less let it monopolize a date. If his ex really is that nuts, I don’t want to be around all that negativity anyway. I think it was another first and last date. I just see too many red flags and negativity

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I feel that I have hardly stopped since Snowdown. Last week was a recovery week and I was so tired and last weekend was catch up  at home. I have had a lot going on and have hardly had any down time at home. I hate when I have blog posts running through my head all day and I can’t get them down. I am going to try and get to some of the ones I have thought of the past couple of weeks. My big one was Valentine’s Day. It has never been my favorite “holiday” but I still always would have liked acknowledgement. Before marriage, it seemed I was always single on Valentine’s Day. Too often, a boy/man would break up with me just prior. During my marriage, I learned that the ex was not romantic at all. I would have been happy with a nice dinner, a flower or bouquet, anything even remotely romantic. He didn’t give flowers often because HIS MOM didn’t like getting flowers. I LOVE getting flowers and he knew this.  Occasionally, I would get a card or something but I learned to not expect us to do anything romantic for anything. I would suggest weekends away, even to somewhat local places so we could save money. I would suggest things all the time and he poo-pooed them all the time. The last few years of the marriage, it, of course, got worse. Six years before the divorce, our middle child was given a dozen roses at school by a boy that liked her. They were not dating. They were beautiful and I was so happy for her. We put them  in a vase and had them prominently on display. A few hours later, the ex came in, threw a single rose on the table and said, “here is your VD flower.” Wow. I just wanted to cry and shove it up his ass.

He filed for divorce on January 14th and here in Colorado, your first court date is one month later. Yep, I went to divorce court for a divorce I didn’t want on VALENTINE’S DAY. I still cannot believe they do that. There are some days that divorce court should not happen. I was a mess. I had a severe anxiety attack. The people in the courthouse sent me to Adult Protective Services downstairs to make sure I was okay. It was terrible.

Since then, I have tried to not let that day completely ruin Valentine’s for me. I could find a romantic man that enjoys doing things for his gal. My first one single was great. A guy I was dating and I went skiing and he reserved a table for us at the restaurant at the top of the mountain. I had no idea. He knew that I was having a hard time and he was so sweet. He and I were not ready for a relationship at the time. We were both the first dates after 20+ year marriages. We were good for each other and he helped me a lot. I hope I helped him. The following two years I was dating ex/bf bff and R. Exbff and  I went on a cruise right afterwards and R and I had a great date. They both gavve me flowers. Last year I was single but still received flowers from someone that was interested. I don’t know why but this year hit me hard. I was single and feeling very alone. Maybe because there have been no prospects since ice cream man. I have no idea. For the most part, I have been doing well but the days leading up to and on Valentine’s Day last week, I was getting grouchier and moodier. I cried a lot and just wanted someone to hold me. I had someone tell me to just ignore it but when yo are walking up and down main street with every window having ads for Valentines, every radio station, TV station ad is about love, it is hard to ignore. The person that told me this is basically a hermit.  I was so ready for the day to be over. I got off work and went to my car and see R drive up. He gets out of his car and tells me that he failed. He was holding a bouquet of flowers that he was going to put on my car anonymously.  He told me that he knew it was a hard day for me. I just wanted to cry. The man says there is something missing in our relationship and that is why we aren’t dating but it is obvious that he really cares for me. Why won’t he accept my heart? I would give it willingly. Oh well, he made my day better and I do know that he loves me, just not enough.

Life has been a bit busy and crazy for the past few weeks. I thought about blogging many times and about many things BUT just have not been taking the time. I have 24 more hours with my son home and I have been enjoying every moment we have had together. I also have been doing a lot of reading and self reflection. One of the first guys I dated after my divorce was the most positive person that I have ever met. I asked him how he could always be so positive and he told me that it was because of this book by Tony Robbins that he read.

I have finally been reading this book after almost four years. I will go into it a bit in a later blog but I wanted to share one major thing that I have realized. I am GLAD that I have been alone mostly for the past five years. It has enabled me to grow. It has enabled me to learn who I really am. Time (and this book) have given me the ambition to set goals again. My life had been, for so long, all about our kids, our marriage, his career. Our kids are grown, our marriage is over and his career doesn’t affect me anymore. I have not been focusing on goals for years now. If I had stayed in the relationship with BFF or gotten serious with someone else, my focus would have become on them, their wishes, their lives, etc. This has been a great time of growth for ME and maybe, eventually, I will be able to let someone back in that fits into MY GOALS. I truly love myself and enjoy my own company. I am setting my own goals and have my own dreams now all because I have taken the time to get to know me- post marriage.

When the ex-bf and I were having our disagreement, I realized how much I have grown confident in myself and less dependent on wanting or needing a man. Here he was dating (or trying to date someone that I highly disapprove of) and R was in Moscow meeting a gal that he had met on the dating site. A year ago, I would have wondered why I wasn’t enough for either of them but instead, I thought that neither of them were making wise moves. I do not want either of them to be taken advantage of or hurt. Going overseas to meet a partner has risks that you don’t have dating someone here already. I know there are a lot of people that marry someone to come to this country. I used to see it a lot when I was in the Philippines. I hope that if R, ends up with this gal, that she is not one of those women. Ex-bf…..I think he has stopped the actions he was doing. I hope he has. There was potential of a woman really scamming him for money.

There you have it, the two men that have meant the most to me in the past few years, both moving on and seeing other women and I was upset, not because they didn’t choose me but because I was worried about their hearts and happiness. I can let them both move on to another woman. I just hope that no matter what, we can remain friends. They both have been so important to me and my family. I trust them both with my life. You cannot say that about many people.

Life has been a bit busy for me lately and my mind has been all over the place. I really wish that I could blog every time I want to. I usually have things come to me at work and then I come home and have to feed the dogs, do things in the house, and then read and go to bed. I haven’t been dating at all.

Ex-bf and I had a rough spell in which I almost told him to leave my life. He was/is making decisions that really bothered me and made me uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure that our friendship was going to survive. I am glad to say that we worked past it.I was so sad to think that he wouldn’t be in my life anymore. We basically decided to not try again. He said that I was not showing interest but I was afraid. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to “fix” him. He is looking for a woman to fix something big. I tried for two years. I truly think that a woman will not fix the problem. I think he needs to see someone for mental help and to change a few things in his life for the problem to be fixed. I was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to love me again. He ended up saying some real mean things to me on a day that was already stressful. It is funny though that as angry as I was with him, he was the first person I wanted to contact when I needed to talk to someone and needed comfort. He was interested in this one gal and she said some not nice things about me and he decided to not see her anymore and defended me. I guess we are back to FWB. I spent a few hours with him yesterday. It is just so nice with him. It really is a shame that it won’t grow into something more but I have finally accepted that we won’t be together forever. I am going to enjoy what we have when we have it. He is my family. He is my kids family. We all love each other.

I thought that he had. I thought that the holiday season was ruined for me forever. I used to be one of the crazy holiday loving people that so many people complain about. I would think of the Solstice, Saturnalia, Christmas and just feel bright inside. I loved the music (even the religious ones), the colors, the lights, the cooking, the food, the giving, the receiving, even the crowds. I would wear my Santa hat every day. I felt so alive during the holiday season. The holidays were not always good with the ex-husband. He was a bit of a scrooge and made things more tense than they needed to be but I still loved it every year. That is UNTIL…….

He filed for divorce two weeks after Christmas. We had been having problems for a few years but that Christmas was one of our better ones. He even gave me great gifts. I was sure that things were getting better. I thought that maybe he loved me again. Even our oldest told me that he really loved me and thought things were better for us all.

I felt so betrayed. I felt lied to. I felt that the entire holiday had been a lie. I have not looked forward to it for years.  I have put off the decorating as long as possible. I have dreaded putting  up the tree and seeing the ornaments that remind me of various things in our marriage. I had thought about cancelling my annual party. I went through the motions for my kids but would have been perfectly happy just skipping the celebrations.  I actually have had good Christmases in the past few years but I still dreaded them. BF/ex-boyfriend has been with us for a couple of them.

This year, for some reason, I am more myself. my kiddo/roommate was working today and I brought in the decorations, put on the music and almost finished decorating the house. Last night, I went to Noel Night  in town with my nephew. I am excited for my party. I am excited for the holiday season again. I enjoyed singing the songs while I decorated today. I have my holiday back. I have no idea what changed for me this year but I am happy  about it. This has always been my favorite time of year. I definitely do not have any more money this year, things are not perfect but I can enjoy all the things I love about this time.  I am lucky that all three kids are choosing to spend the holiday with me this year, too. Now I just need snow to make it as perfect as it can be.

I have been reminded of why I fell in love with ex-bf. I have told him that I am not just jumping into a relationship with him again. I told him that I am scared to.

Last week, we went out for Halloween. I absolutely love Halloween and he doesn’t. He still dressed up. We were Danny and Sandy from Grease. We went out for dinner and then for drinks. We discussed when to go in for the night and he took my hands and told me that he knows how important it was for me so we could stay out as long as I wanted. I was staying with him that night. It was the first time in over a year that I was staying with him. I was looking forward to snuggling and his company. We have always been so good together.  When we got back to his place, he drew me a bath and lit candles. While the water was running he massaged my feet. He had James Taylor playing. When I got in the bath, he massaged my shoulders, back, and neck and then he read me love poems.

Damn him. I thought that I was over him. I realized that night that I am not. I felt like I had gone home. I am not jumping into a relationship or commitment with him. I told him last night that I trust him with everything except  my heart. He wants to know how to fix that. I told him time. It took us over a year to break up. We have been apart for 15 months and it is just like nothing changed. I am so comfortable with him. This is going to be interesting. I am ready for the ride and to where it goes. I wonder if he can really truly love me this time. I know he loves me but can he get to where he needs to be to stay with me?

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