break ups


I am so tired of things going wrong. I am slowly sinking more and more into debt but not because of poor choices Mostly it has been because of car issues and medical issues I have been trying to get a consolidation loan for a while but keep get turned down. I hit a deer in my car a little over a month ago. The only body shop that contracts with USAA locally couldn’t see my car for a month so I chose one that my boss uses. He is also a USAA member. It has been a month today that they have had my car. I have rental car coverage. On February 22, I got a call from Enterprise saying that the coverage was getting cancelled because the body shop had not sent info to USAA saying car wasn’t done. I called the body shop and they said they were having problems with getting parts but they would send information to USAA that day. Today, I get a call from Enterprise telling me I owe them almost $600 and need to return the car and that USAA cancelled coverage. I contact USAA and they never received anything from body shop. Body shop tells me they sent it and talked to Enterprise and not to worry about it. USAA tells me they have not heard from body shop. I hate the fuckin rental they gave me but it was the only car they had that could get to my house. I want my car back. Of course, with the several feet of snow we have gotten in the past month, I slid into chunks of ice and scratched the rental. So I have copay for 2 accidents and have to fight to figure out the shit with the bookshop/Enterprise/USAA. I know that USAA will cover the rental but I have to fix an error because someone is not doing their job.

In the mean time, we have had several FEET of snow and I finally can get up my driveway and dug out my propane tank Sunday night. I have been parking at the bottom for weeks and walking up. I was at 5%.. I contacted Amerigas and asked for a delivery. I immediately got an email saying I would get a delivery the next day. Here it is Wednesday night, I am on zero and no delivery yet. I have contacted them yesterday and today and was told I would get a delivery. I called the corporate office tonight hysterically crying and told her I needed propane. If I don’t get propane, lines will freeze that I cannot afford to fix. She had NO information about deliveries. I had an email and 2 phone calls. I was told yesterday I would get a delivery last night or first thing today. I was told this afternoon, that I would have a delivery today. She did not understand why I hadn’t had a delivery yet. The driver called and asked if I could make it till morning as he was 90 minutes away. He told me he was calling his boss and promised a delivery in the morning I was sobbing. I hope it really happens. I turned my heat down and am grateful for electric heaters and dogs for heat.

One more thing, I am one three regular meds.. One is a med for my heart murmur. I haven’t taken it in almost 3 months because I couldn’t afford to buy it but the other that I ran out of was my antidepressant. I have been off of them for over a week now. I have been crying all day and am struggling to keep it together. The only reason that I am keeping going is I promised my kid that I won’t do anything. I truly wish that I would just drop dead. I won’t kill myself but I am so fucking tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am tired of struggling financially. I am tired of being alone. I am angry and resentful towards my ex. I gave up everything to raise our kids and support his carrier. Now he is getting remarried, has a good career and I am struggling to fucking eat. I wish that I could just stop existing. I don’t want to do this anymore. It takes so much for me to get up every day and face another day of struggling but I will continue. I sure hope that someday my life gets better. I am lonely, I am broke. I am tired. I often wonder if it is worth it.

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My eldest came home last week and on Friday morning, my two eldest kids told me that they had something to tell me. They dropped a bombshell. They told me that their dad is getting married. My initial reaction was good for him. I always knew he would do this before I did. I was so relieved that he didn’t marry the weasel faced bitch. The new gal is also a gal he knew in high school. I am grateful that she and the kids all get along. I haven’t met her yet but she seems better than WFB. I do think it is humorous that he has gone backwards with his women but really, I do wish him well.

My initial reaction lasted a short while and then the tears and anger came. Damn him!!! He is about the make the promises to another woman that he made to me twenty eight years ago. For twenty three years, I stood by him as he built his career. I gave up my military career because he didn’t like the military life and I stayed home and raised our kids. Because of the date I got out of the military, I had to give up my GI Bill so I lost my chance of finishing my education while I raised our three kids. I moved to and lived in Chicago and suffered there all alone. I dealt with in-laws that for the most part never welcomed me to the family. I dealt with a controlling husband that treated me like he was better then I am, even though I was more educated and, to be honest, smarter than he is. I put up with emotional abuse but kept thinking that it would get better. I put up with so much only to find that his promises meant nothing to him. Is it normal of me to have resentments now, even though I wouldn’t take him back for anything? I could have retired from the military ten years ago and worked in a field I loved all that time. I would have retirement now and could be having a second income now.

I don’t want him back. I do not love him. I am not jealous but I fucking resent the hell that he makes over three times what I do. I sacrificed so much for our family only to have him walk out just as the kids were grown and we could finally start having our time. He gets to move on with a good career while I am struggling to even pay my bills and eat. I am alone while I am struggling while he is now in his second serious relationship and actually getting married. I honestly think I will be alone forever. There is also the part of me that hope that he has grown enough that he will treat her better than he treated me. Such a horrible range of emotions. I cried for a bit, which made my kids feel bad for telling me. I tried to hide it from them but was unable to hold it in the entire time. I really am happy for him. I wish him well. I just wish that things could be good for me, too.

R was hanging out with my kid and me on Friday. He noticed immediately that something was wrong and mentioned that maybe I should see someone. I am so hesitant to do so. I have a few free visits with my insurance but they are with counselors in the hospital where i used to work. One encouraged him to divorce me and the other has been an acquaintance for over 20 years, I also get stressed being in that building due to how Centura treated me. Besides, I honestly think that my having a reaction was normal. I am not dwelling on it. I am not crying about it anymore. I just had to vent my feelings.

R and I have been hanging out a bit and the man just confuses me so.  We are not dating and I do not think I can ever date him again or even sleep with him again.  He treats me like a girlfriend a lot though. I have actually told him that he needs to stop doing so. I had something happen at my house and I asked him to help me with it. I expect to pay him for things that he does professionally but he won’t take my money.  My back was out last week and he bought me a gift certificate for a massage at a good spa in town. I  have been trying to get over him for so long but he makes it so difficult. Yesterday, we took the dogs to the dog park. He is so physically affectionate with me. At one time, we are watching his son skipping rocks in the river and he comes up behind me and puts his arms around me. It is so natural for us. The way he looks at me is so wonderful. When he looks at me, I feel special, beautiful, and loved.

It is a shame that he and I never really had a chance. We dated January 2016 for a few weeks and have spent time together off and on since mainly as friends. I have met several of his siblings and his son loves me BUT I never stood a chance. I never told him about my first interaction with his adult daughter. When we were dating, he went to visit her as she was not living here at the time. She posted some photos of them on Facebook and I liked one or two of them and she sent me a message via Facebook telling me to butt out. She told me that she had no idea who I was and that I was to never comment or like anything she posted again. I have never told him because I never have wanted to cause trouble with other people’s relationships. He broke up with me shortly after that so I never thought it would be a problem. I did eventually meet her and we seemed to get along but I don’t feel welcome with her.

Late this summer, he told me that his ex and daughter were uncomfortable with me one night when we were all together. I had thought that he and I were going to have dinner, just the two of us. Then I was told that  his son would be joining us. That was fine with me but then I got there and the ex and the daughter were there, too, and all of them had already eaten. I felt like I was butting into a family dinner. I ordered food and he stayed with me and paid after the others left but it was very awkward. I finally realized that night that I can never compete with his ex. I know that they have to be in each others lives to an extent. Their son is 12.  When he told me the comments she and the daughter said after that night, I decided that I would no longer try and never be with him again. I can be his friend. I don’t think he loves his ex anymore but the four of them are still a nuclear family, even though they are not together and never will be again. She came out of the closet and is currently married to another woman. They still are together a lot. Holidays, the kids birthdays, random dinners, etc. I hope to never hang out with my ex except at our kids weddings and I will even limit that as much as possible. I definitely do not want to expect my partner to hang out with or be friends with my ex. I don’t want to hang out with my partner’s ex either, except for special occasions. If we were to meet and get along and click, that might be different but….I have always felt like an outsider when the ex and/or daughter are around. I don’t feel welcome. It isn’t that I dislike her but she is not my friend and if we had met  in another way, I doubt we would be friends. I do feel very welcome with his siblings which is great. It is a shame it went the way it has with him He is a great man and treats me real well. We have a lot in common but I have finally moved on and cannot go back, no matter how he acts when we are together.

This damn dating and love are so difficult.

Edit tonight: My car broke down and he came from his house to change my battery. He told me that he was going to pay for the battery but I beat him to it. I half jokingly asked him if I could keep him. He lives about 30 minutes out of town. There is a part of me that wants to hit him with a  2×4 and say hey, you are going to lose your chance soon. Oh well.

This past week has been quite interesting. I was so upset after I was friend-zoned by Broncos fan on Monday night. My stress jumped up and my inflammation sky-rocketed. I was hurting physically and mentally all week. Broncos fan had said he wanted to be friends so I decided to just act like friends. He has applied for a job at our local post office and I saw something about them needing to hire a lot of people and asked if he had heard anything. He told me he hadn’t yet and asked if I knew anyone. I just happen to know the local postmaster and told him I would ask him to look at the application. I cannot get someone a job BUT I can bring their name to the bosses attention. We talked a few times over the week but not a lot. I did tell him that I wanted to talk in person so we set a date for a walk and coffee on Sunday morning.

In the mean time, I was feeling very lonely and horny and sad. My married guy set up a date with me on Friday night. I thought we were only meeting for a drink but I so needed some companionship. He had plans that night with clients and I had a party to go to and we were going to meet afterwards. I went to my event and didn’t hear from him. When I left, I texted him and his clients had cancelled and he had gone home and forgot about our date. I am done with him. I understand that I cannot be his priority but he forgot me. He apologized but I haven’t heard from him again. He was the only one from the past that I felt that I could still be a FWB with. Nope.

My weekend did have quite an interesting turn though. The event on Friday night was a VIP party for our local Brewfest. I splurge every year for this since my divorce. I love the event and there are a few people that I only see there. I am talking to my friends and these guys walk by me, one is quite tall and catches my eye. The other one sees me and asks if we have met before.  I will call him The Pilot. He comes up for this Brewfest every year so it is possible. We chat for a while but this was a short event as the big party was on Saturday all day. I left a little disappointed that we did not talk longer. He was cute and friendly. His son, the tall one, was nice, too but I was definitely attracted to dad. Saturday, I ran into them a few times and we talked a lot. Eventually, we decided to have a drink after the event and exchanged phone numbers. We met at a local bar that I go to frequently. He bought me a drink but after five hours of beer, I had no desire to drink anymore so we just talked for a while. It turned out that we were so comfortable with each other. At some point, we kissed and I asked if we could go back to his hotel room. I don’t normally do this but I sure needed the physical touch. We fooled around quite a bit but between his nerves and too much beer we were not able to complete the act but it was so much FUN. He made me laugh, we played, we snuggled. He asked if he could fly up again to see me. He walked me back to the bar where my kiddo drove me home and back in the next day for my coffee date with Broncos Fan.

That went real well. It was a little awkward at first but we are so comfy with each other. Eventually, we discussed what happened with us and he told me that even his friend chewed him out for what he did. He was told that he started things and was very flirtatious with me. I agreed with that and he apologized. We walked the river walk a bit, held hands and even kissed a bit. We went back to his car and had a very nice kiss goodbye after he asked me for a date. He is cooking me dinner on Tuesday.

So, I guess it is feast or famine. I now have a date with Broncos fan on Tuesday and we are going to “hang out” with no expectations or commitments for now and The Pilot is coming back on September 8th to spend the weekend with me. I wonder if either of these guys are my future. I am not going to rush either of them but they are both fun, cute, and obviously enjoy being with me. There are pros and cons of both of them. The pilot lives a ways away but can be here in a couple of hours and can whisk me away places. He was talking about Mexico the other day. I need a beach occasionally. He is a little younger but not much. Broncos fan has so many pluses. I will just take it one day, text, date at a time and see where things go.

I was so excited about Bronco Fan but didn’t want to be. We chatted a lot early last week. He even tracked me down in town one day to see me.  We talked quite a bit about things we wanted to do in the future- camping, Mexico, Broncos games, Hockey games.  I was very good about not texting him all the time. I was trying to walk the fine line of not enough and too much. I really thought that there was a chance of a future with him.

He left town on Thursday to go to Denver to close on the house he was selling up there. He was supposed to get back on Saturday and his last text to me was that he would contact me Saturday when he got home to discuss dinner on Sunday- which was my birthday. He never wrote again. I didn’t text him until Sunday Morning to ask him if we were still having my birthday dinner together. He texted back that he would not make it and was still in Denver.

Last night, he called me and told me that he realized that we are in two different places. I want a relationship and he is not ready to date. He asked if we could still be friends. I so wanted to yell that I have enough fucking friends but I didn’t. It really hurt me that his switch changed so damn fast. He assured me that it was him and not me but I have heard that from others. I am tired to being rejected and told it isn’t me. I am so glad that we never had sex. I had thought we might on my birthday night. Oh well.

Two weeks ago, I was perfectly fine being alone. Why the fuck did I answer that message and open up to someone again? Now I am feeling lonely again.

 

Tonight was another disastrous first date. I met this one on POF. He actually read my profile and his profile looked hopeful. We chatted for a couple of days and I took the bull by the horns and suggested we meet for coffee or a drink. He said a drink sounded good and we set the day for today. This morning, I wake up with a message from him that he waited for an hour LAST night. Boy did I feel bad though he is the one that messed up. We decided to still meet tonight so after work today, I rushed over to the winery for a nice glass of wine and a date.

He got there early (a plus), he was clean, polite, kind, had his teeth. Not the best looking guy but not bad either. I know opinions of looks can change when you get to know someone. We both ordered a glass of wine and the conversation started. I made the mistake of asking about his kids and how long since he had been divorced about five minutes in. I thought those were simple questions. Tell me about your kids. State a number of years since divorce and then move on to a new subject. Instead, the rest of our ninety minutes was spent learning about his marriage, details of fights in the marriage, and how awful she is. He did ask me one question. What happened to my marriage? I told him that I really didn’t know. I was surprised with the divorce and it didn’t really matter.

He went on to tell me about how she has full custody, he hasn’t seen the two younger kids in years, and there is a restraining order against him from her. These things are all based on lies though. He did nothing wrong. Supposedly, he has been plotting to kill her and the kids.  He went into details about fights they had and how she is turning the kids against him. I think this man needs to take more time before he dates again. He and I got divorced the same year and I do not want to talk about my marriage or ex hardly anymore much less let it monopolize a date. If his ex really is that nuts, I don’t want to be around all that negativity anyway. I think it was another first and last date. I just see too many red flags and negativity

I feel that I have hardly stopped since Snowdown. Last week was a recovery week and I was so tired and last weekend was catch up  at home. I have had a lot going on and have hardly had any down time at home. I hate when I have blog posts running through my head all day and I can’t get them down. I am going to try and get to some of the ones I have thought of the past couple of weeks. My big one was Valentine’s Day. It has never been my favorite “holiday” but I still always would have liked acknowledgement. Before marriage, it seemed I was always single on Valentine’s Day. Too often, a boy/man would break up with me just prior. During my marriage, I learned that the ex was not romantic at all. I would have been happy with a nice dinner, a flower or bouquet, anything even remotely romantic. He didn’t give flowers often because HIS MOM didn’t like getting flowers. I LOVE getting flowers and he knew this.  Occasionally, I would get a card or something but I learned to not expect us to do anything romantic for anything. I would suggest weekends away, even to somewhat local places so we could save money. I would suggest things all the time and he poo-pooed them all the time. The last few years of the marriage, it, of course, got worse. Six years before the divorce, our middle child was given a dozen roses at school by a boy that liked her. They were not dating. They were beautiful and I was so happy for her. We put them  in a vase and had them prominently on display. A few hours later, the ex came in, threw a single rose on the table and said, “here is your VD flower.” Wow. I just wanted to cry and shove it up his ass.

He filed for divorce on January 14th and here in Colorado, your first court date is one month later. Yep, I went to divorce court for a divorce I didn’t want on VALENTINE’S DAY. I still cannot believe they do that. There are some days that divorce court should not happen. I was a mess. I had a severe anxiety attack. The people in the courthouse sent me to Adult Protective Services downstairs to make sure I was okay. It was terrible.

Since then, I have tried to not let that day completely ruin Valentine’s for me. I could find a romantic man that enjoys doing things for his gal. My first one single was great. A guy I was dating and I went skiing and he reserved a table for us at the restaurant at the top of the mountain. I had no idea. He knew that I was having a hard time and he was so sweet. He and I were not ready for a relationship at the time. We were both the first dates after 20+ year marriages. We were good for each other and he helped me a lot. I hope I helped him. The following two years I was dating ex/bf bff and R. Exbff and  I went on a cruise right afterwards and R and I had a great date. They both gavve me flowers. Last year I was single but still received flowers from someone that was interested. I don’t know why but this year hit me hard. I was single and feeling very alone. Maybe because there have been no prospects since ice cream man. I have no idea. For the most part, I have been doing well but the days leading up to and on Valentine’s Day last week, I was getting grouchier and moodier. I cried a lot and just wanted someone to hold me. I had someone tell me to just ignore it but when yo are walking up and down main street with every window having ads for Valentines, every radio station, TV station ad is about love, it is hard to ignore. The person that told me this is basically a hermit.  I was so ready for the day to be over. I got off work and went to my car and see R drive up. He gets out of his car and tells me that he failed. He was holding a bouquet of flowers that he was going to put on my car anonymously.  He told me that he knew it was a hard day for me. I just wanted to cry. The man says there is something missing in our relationship and that is why we aren’t dating but it is obvious that he really cares for me. Why won’t he accept my heart? I would give it willingly. Oh well, he made my day better and I do know that he loves me, just not enough.

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