relationships


Awaken the Giant Within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Destiny!Awaken the Giant Within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Destiny! by Anthony Robbins

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I was recommended this book to me several years ago by a friend. He was the most positive person I had ever met and I asked him how he was that way. He was going through a divorce and things in his life were quite difficult but he was always happy. He told me that this book transformed his attitude about life.
It has taken me a while to actually sit down and read this book but this was definitely the right time. For many years, I was a wife and mother and all my goals and dreams involved my husband and kid. Five years ago, that all ended and my youngest graduated from high school a couple of years later. I am finally ready to focus on me and my goals again. I don’t think I realized that until I read this book. I have been thinking about goals and dreams now and am making plans. I have broken a lifelong habit of picking my skin. Tomorrow is two weeks since I picked and I actually have not had a hard time in days. I am no longer a picker. I have tried to quit all my life. Quitting smoking was easy compared to this. Suddenly, after reading this book, it has been easy to quit.
I highly recommend this book to anyone that is wanting to make positive changes in their life. I will continue to work on the assignments in the book and continue to grow and follow my new dreams and goals.

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Life has been a bit busy and crazy for the past few weeks. I thought about blogging many times and about many things BUT just have not been taking the time. I have 24 more hours with my son home and I have been enjoying every moment we have had together. I also have been doing a lot of reading and self reflection. One of the first guys I dated after my divorce was the most positive person that I have ever met. I asked him how he could always be so positive and he told me that it was because of this book by Tony Robbins that he read.

I have finally been reading this book after almost four years. I will go into it a bit in a later blog but I wanted to share one major thing that I have realized. I am GLAD that I have been alone mostly for the past five years. It has enabled me to grow. It has enabled me to learn who I really am. Time (and this book) have given me the ambition to set goals again. My life had been, for so long, all about our kids, our marriage, his career. Our kids are grown, our marriage is over and his career doesn’t affect me anymore. I have not been focusing on goals for years now. If I had stayed in the relationship with BFF or gotten serious with someone else, my focus would have become on them, their wishes, their lives, etc. This has been a great time of growth for ME and maybe, eventually, I will be able to let someone back in that fits into MY GOALS. I truly love myself and enjoy my own company. I am setting my own goals and have my own dreams now all because I have taken the time to get to know me- post marriage.

Before I was married, my mother used to host a party on Christmas Eve. She didn’t do it very long but I enjoyed it and when I got married, I continued the tradition. When the kids got to school age, we changed the date so it was a Saturday before Christmas. For many years, it has been the highlight of the holiday. I have baked for a month prior to the party. Cookies and breads galore.  A few main dishes, side dishes, chocolate fountain. For many years, we had a pool table (the ex got rid of it two months before he filed for divorce- I gave in to make him happy) We have  dart board, air hockey table. When the kids were younger, we let them have one friend spend the night every year. One young man has only missed a couple of these parties since he was about five. He is twenty now. We have had as few as ten people come and as many as sixty come and go. We have had clear skies and almost blizzards but it has happened every year. Every so often, during my bad years, I would threaten to cancel the party due to stress but was always glad that I didn’t. The event was always one of my favorite nights of the year. After the divorce, I almost stopped but the kids still really wanted it to happen. Some of the best ones have been the past few years. We pulled out the karaoke machine, board games, and just enjoyed the time BUT it has been more and more difficult for all the kids to be here. The middle one has been late or missed due to work for years. She won’t be able to be here at all tomorrow. My son has to work  and miss the first few hours. The eldest is driving down tomorrow and has no idea when she will be here. I have been working so much as have the kids so hardly anything is ready for tomorrow night.

I made a decision today. This is the last one. I basically cancelled it today. I told a few people to still come. Tomorrow I will clean house and make cookies. We only have a few old time guests coming, including that young man. Next year, my kids and I will not be hosting this party. Our lives are so different now. They have jobs, boyfriends or girlfriends. I am trying to date. I love our party but no longer want to make this a have to event every year. We may choose to do something smaller from time to time but no longer will we have a date set in stone for a year. No longer will  I spend a ton of money and time on this party. The kids will be free to go hang with friends during the holiday time when they are in town and their friends are home, too.I will have the freedom to go with a boyfriend (if I have one) to other events.

It has been a good long run. I have hosted this party 25 times in 27 years. There are many things that I will miss but it sometimes is good to change traditions. I wonder how I will feel next December when I do not have a party to plan and prepare for. Only time will tell but I imagine that I will be more free with money and time and that will be good.

Heartbreak and Hope

Much of the dating advice directed at women states that guys will continue looking until exclusivity is agreed (we won’t mention those that mess about after) and that women should do the same.  Considering this it is surprising how many men I have encountered who prefer to focus on one woman and expect me just to talk to them.  Typically at this point I tell them a short versions of what happened with Import-export guy to explain why committing to one person too soon is a bad idea.

One of the more extreme versions was a guy who contacted me, chatted for about 10 mins and then said ‘Ok found what I’m looking for. Can we move to WhatsApp?’  I was a little be bemused and so I asked what he meant and yes, it turns out he only intended to chat with me.  I explained that I had no…

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When the ex-bf and I were having our disagreement, I realized how much I have grown confident in myself and less dependent on wanting or needing a man. Here he was dating (or trying to date someone that I highly disapprove of) and R was in Moscow meeting a gal that he had met on the dating site. A year ago, I would have wondered why I wasn’t enough for either of them but instead, I thought that neither of them were making wise moves. I do not want either of them to be taken advantage of or hurt. Going overseas to meet a partner has risks that you don’t have dating someone here already. I know there are a lot of people that marry someone to come to this country. I used to see it a lot when I was in the Philippines. I hope that if R, ends up with this gal, that she is not one of those women. Ex-bf…..I think he has stopped the actions he was doing. I hope he has. There was potential of a woman really scamming him for money.

There you have it, the two men that have meant the most to me in the past few years, both moving on and seeing other women and I was upset, not because they didn’t choose me but because I was worried about their hearts and happiness. I can let them both move on to another woman. I just hope that no matter what, we can remain friends. They both have been so important to me and my family. I trust them both with my life. You cannot say that about many people.

Life has been a bit busy for me lately and my mind has been all over the place. I really wish that I could blog every time I want to. I usually have things come to me at work and then I come home and have to feed the dogs, do things in the house, and then read and go to bed. I haven’t been dating at all.

Ex-bf and I had a rough spell in which I almost told him to leave my life. He was/is making decisions that really bothered me and made me uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure that our friendship was going to survive. I am glad to say that we worked past it.I was so sad to think that he wouldn’t be in my life anymore. We basically decided to not try again. He said that I was not showing interest but I was afraid. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to “fix” him. He is looking for a woman to fix something big. I tried for two years. I truly think that a woman will not fix the problem. I think he needs to see someone for mental help and to change a few things in his life for the problem to be fixed. I was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to love me again. He ended up saying some real mean things to me on a day that was already stressful. It is funny though that as angry as I was with him, he was the first person I wanted to contact when I needed to talk to someone and needed comfort. He was interested in this one gal and she said some not nice things about me and he decided to not see her anymore and defended me. I guess we are back to FWB. I spent a few hours with him yesterday. It is just so nice with him. It really is a shame that it won’t grow into something more but I have finally accepted that we won’t be together forever. I am going to enjoy what we have when we have it. He is my family. He is my kids family. We all love each other.

A Woman on the Edge of Time: a son's search for his motherA Woman on the Edge of Time: a son’s search for his mother by Jeremy Gavron
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I picked this book up at a book rescue not knowing much about it but it definitely drew me to it. The speed in which I read it says something. I did not want to put this book down. Hannah was such a strong woman and so ahead of her time. It made me think of being a woman before now. My grandmother was also ahead of her time. I often thought about my mother who was in the same age group as Hannah. Women were expected to be a certain way and women who chose not to had a difficult road. Unfortunately, Hannah ultimately couldn’t handle it and took her life. She left two young boys and a family that never spoke of her again. This is written by the younger of the boys as he tries to understand his mother and her choice. This book also made me proud of my daughters who are in no hurry to marry and have babies. They are living their lives before they go down this path, if they choose that path I sure wish that I had done so. Hannah’s thesis that was later published is The Captive Wife. I wonder how many of us feel the way this book implies. I think Ii will have to find it and read it. I know I can probably relate. I gave up my life for the “dream” and it was a mistake. Now I am alone, poor, and fifty, trying to figure out how to live my dreams. I will make it as I have made it this far. This book is worth the read. It is not anti-man. It is not anti-marriage. It is more about having the strength to follow your dreams. The women back then had so many more obstacles than we do now. It has improved but many are still there due to our gender. We need to continue to change things for our daughters and granddaughter.

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