relationships


I love this man’s blog. What he writes so often resonates with me. This is a perfect example. Maybe my ex didn’t realize he did these things but I was often so dismissed for my feelings. I was told I shouldn’t feel this way and that way though I was hurt terribly. Just like when he actually poked on a huge bruise and asked if it hurt. The emotional things were worse. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to have my own feelings.

Must Be This Tall To Ride

lumberjack - crying at the gates (Image/Crying at the Gates)

I did, said, and believed things throughout my youth and marriage that were totally sexist—even though I didn’t view them as sexist at the time—and those things more or less turned my wife against me and ultimately cost me my marriage and family.

If you’d have told me I was a sexist, I’d have undoubtedly responded with defensive outrage and mansplained how you were wrong, all the while believing everything I was saying and feeling.

That’s the real danger. THAT is what causes all of these relationships to slowly turn ugly and then end miserably—that we 100% believe all of the bullshit we peddle. We’re telling the truth. We act like we’re right and like we know everything because we all actually believe it at the time.

Life’s worst things happen while we feel CERTAIN about things that aren’t actually true.

It doesn’t matter…

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I figured since my last post was basically suicidal, that I should update. I made it through that night with lots of crying and very little alcohol. I felt that I didn’t sleep at all. I was so worried about the car and propane. My eldest had called during my breakdown and was very worried. She remembered how I was before meds and called her sibling at work. When the middle kiddo came home, they were so affectionate and the next day, they took over.

When I left for work, I told them to let me know when Amerigas showed up because I might have to make another phone call. I texted them a couple of hours later and heard nothing. I was such a mess at work but I will get to that later. Eventually, I heard from the kiddo. They had been on the phone with Amerigas for almost an hour. They told the kiddo that they hadn’t come out because someone in my canyon told them that THEIR driveway was impassable that week so Amerigas took all of my canyon off the deliver list. There are several things wrong with that. One, I was calling daily desperate for delivery and told them my driveway was clear. Two, this is a large canyon and I am on the sunny side. I have had grass growing while my neighbors across the street still have FEET of snow. There is a road everyone calls the back road that is barely passable year round. How dare they make delivery plans based on a neighbor. I spoke to five people and had two emails that week and was never told this. In fact, the second person I talked to asked me about access. I found out what was required – 12 feet wide- and told her that I would measure when I got home and that if the snow wasn’t melted enough to give the driver 12 feet, I would call, otherwise we were good. That was Tuesday. After my kid was on the phone for a while, the delivery guy called med and said he was on the way. He told the kiddo that we wouldn’t have made it through the night but now we have propane. As soon as the snow is gone, I am changing companies. That was ridiculous.

My meds finally came in the mail the next day. I will not go without again. When I got to work that next day, my boss noticed something was wrong and asked. I lost it. Next thing I knew I was sobbing and telling him everything. He told me that if I ever needed money for meds again, to let him know. My kids did the same, as did R. My boss offered to cover a short term Rx from the local pharmacy. I checked the tracking and found out that it was supposed to come that day so turned him down. When I was on the phone with USAA, he came and stuck $50 in my pocket. I had told him that I hadn’t ordered the meds cuz I needed food more. He told me to go buy something impractical for food and to enjoy. Maybe I will get a good steak. I took my meds that night when I got home and am back on schedule.

About the car, what a mess. So I called USAA the next morning and spoke to my adjuster. He said he had been reaching out to the body shop and hadn’t heard anything back from them. I talked to him for quite a while We got off the phone and he got to work. He eventually got through to the body shop but what they sent was not sufficient but he was going to keep trying. My car was supposed to be ready on Thursday. I was thinking that every day was costing me rental so I was not happy when I finally got a call from the body shop telling me one more day. Friday afternoon, I still hadn’t gotten the call and was starting to think I was going to have to go a few more days with the rental when they finally called around 1500. I left work an hour early at 1600 to get the car. I went to Enterprise first to return the rental. I immediately told them that I had scratched the car and asked what I needed to do. I had already spoken to my adjuster about it too. The sweet guy at Enterprise made my day so much better. I had rental insurance but I had messed up at some time and didn’t have coverage for a car that would get to my house so I was paying extra every day for the truck instead of a smaller vehicle that never would have made it with all the snow we got. He took that charge off and the money I paid for the upgrade went to the deductible. He said we are all good. I am not sure if I will have to pay the remaining $400 of not. We will see. He was wonderful. I have never had any problems with Enterprise. They took me to the body shop to get my car and R had paid my deductible there so instead of $2000 out of pocket, I only had the $500 for Enterprise. R had said something in a text earlier that my day would get better that afternoon but still cannot believe he paid my deductible. I know he will not let me pay him back. He gave me a couple of hundred in the past and he refused to take the check to pay him back.

Things worked out. I had people step up and offer to help and some helped. I wish when I am crazy with my depression that I can see that I cam not alone. I obviously cannot go without my meds. I hadn’t done so since I went on them but it really was a choice of food and meds. I am tired of being broke but I will get through this, somehow. One day at a time.

I am so tired of things going wrong. I am slowly sinking more and more into debt but not because of poor choices Mostly it has been because of car issues and medical issues I have been trying to get a consolidation loan for a while but keep get turned down. I hit a deer in my car a little over a month ago. The only body shop that contracts with USAA locally couldn’t see my car for a month so I chose one that my boss uses. He is also a USAA member. It has been a month today that they have had my car. I have rental car coverage. On February 22, I got a call from Enterprise saying that the coverage was getting cancelled because the body shop had not sent info to USAA saying car wasn’t done. I called the body shop and they said they were having problems with getting parts but they would send information to USAA that day. Today, I get a call from Enterprise telling me I owe them almost $600 and need to return the car and that USAA cancelled coverage. I contact USAA and they never received anything from body shop. Body shop tells me they sent it and talked to Enterprise and not to worry about it. USAA tells me they have not heard from body shop. I hate the fuckin rental they gave me but it was the only car they had that could get to my house. I want my car back. Of course, with the several feet of snow we have gotten in the past month, I slid into chunks of ice and scratched the rental. So I have copay for 2 accidents and have to fight to figure out the shit with the bookshop/Enterprise/USAA. I know that USAA will cover the rental but I have to fix an error because someone is not doing their job.

In the mean time, we have had several FEET of snow and I finally can get up my driveway and dug out my propane tank Sunday night. I have been parking at the bottom for weeks and walking up. I was at 5%.. I contacted Amerigas and asked for a delivery. I immediately got an email saying I would get a delivery the next day. Here it is Wednesday night, I am on zero and no delivery yet. I have contacted them yesterday and today and was told I would get a delivery. I called the corporate office tonight hysterically crying and told her I needed propane. If I don’t get propane, lines will freeze that I cannot afford to fix. She had NO information about deliveries. I had an email and 2 phone calls. I was told yesterday I would get a delivery last night or first thing today. I was told this afternoon, that I would have a delivery today. She did not understand why I hadn’t had a delivery yet. The driver called and asked if I could make it till morning as he was 90 minutes away. He told me he was calling his boss and promised a delivery in the morning I was sobbing. I hope it really happens. I turned my heat down and am grateful for electric heaters and dogs for heat.

One more thing, I am one three regular meds.. One is a med for my heart murmur. I haven’t taken it in almost 3 months because I couldn’t afford to buy it but the other that I ran out of was my antidepressant. I have been off of them for over a week now. I have been crying all day and am struggling to keep it together. The only reason that I am keeping going is I promised my kid that I won’t do anything. I truly wish that I would just drop dead. I won’t kill myself but I am so fucking tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am tired of struggling financially. I am tired of being alone. I am angry and resentful towards my ex. I gave up everything to raise our kids and support his carrier. Now he is getting remarried, has a good career and I am struggling to fucking eat. I wish that I could just stop existing. I don’t want to do this anymore. It takes so much for me to get up every day and face another day of struggling but I will continue. I sure hope that someday my life gets better. I am lonely, I am broke. I am tired. I often wonder if it is worth it.

Some real good advice here

Be Inspired..!!

There are some harsh realities that we try to run away from but sooner or later we get caught and it becomes difficult for us to accept them. So, here we go with the truths of inner peace and happiness, which nobody wants to talk about. But, let us be real and accept these realities. 

  1. It’s impossible for anyone else to define you, you’re the only one who gets to say who you are.

2. You were born with everything you need, you’re not missing anything.

3. Perfection is a man-made illusion, we’re all beautifully imperfect.

4. You are NOT your thoughts, you are the calm awareness behind the noise in your mind.

5. Your beliefs can be modified to lift you up, you are fully in control if your happiness.

6. The past and the future don’t exist anywhere except in your mind. Now is the only real moment.

7…

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My eldest came home last week and on Friday morning, my two eldest kids told me that they had something to tell me. They dropped a bombshell. They told me that their dad is getting married. My initial reaction was good for him. I always knew he would do this before I did. I was so relieved that he didn’t marry the weasel faced bitch. The new gal is also a gal he knew in high school. I am grateful that she and the kids all get along. I haven’t met her yet but she seems better than WFB. I do think it is humorous that he has gone backwards with his women but really, I do wish him well.

My initial reaction lasted a short while and then the tears and anger came. Damn him!!! He is about the make the promises to another woman that he made to me twenty eight years ago. For twenty three years, I stood by him as he built his career. I gave up my military career because he didn’t like the military life and I stayed home and raised our kids. Because of the date I got out of the military, I had to give up my GI Bill so I lost my chance of finishing my education while I raised our three kids. I moved to and lived in Chicago and suffered there all alone. I dealt with in-laws that for the most part never welcomed me to the family. I dealt with a controlling husband that treated me like he was better then I am, even though I was more educated and, to be honest, smarter than he is. I put up with emotional abuse but kept thinking that it would get better. I put up with so much only to find that his promises meant nothing to him. Is it normal of me to have resentments now, even though I wouldn’t take him back for anything? I could have retired from the military ten years ago and worked in a field I loved all that time. I would have retirement now and could be having a second income now.

I don’t want him back. I do not love him. I am not jealous but I fucking resent the hell that he makes over three times what I do. I sacrificed so much for our family only to have him walk out just as the kids were grown and we could finally start having our time. He gets to move on with a good career while I am struggling to even pay my bills and eat. I am alone while I am struggling while he is now in his second serious relationship and actually getting married. I honestly think I will be alone forever. There is also the part of me that hope that he has grown enough that he will treat her better than he treated me. Such a horrible range of emotions. I cried for a bit, which made my kids feel bad for telling me. I tried to hide it from them but was unable to hold it in the entire time. I really am happy for him. I wish him well. I just wish that things could be good for me, too.

R was hanging out with my kid and me on Friday. He noticed immediately that something was wrong and mentioned that maybe I should see someone. I am so hesitant to do so. I have a few free visits with my insurance but they are with counselors in the hospital where i used to work. One encouraged him to divorce me and the other has been an acquaintance for over 20 years, I also get stressed being in that building due to how Centura treated me. Besides, I honestly think that my having a reaction was normal. I am not dwelling on it. I am not crying about it anymore. I just had to vent my feelings.

My eldest told me that she signed up for this recently so I looked into it. There was an excellent deal for the new year and since my middle child is still living with me for a few weeks, I thought it would be fun to do. We had discussed something like this before but since we are rarely home at the same time, we decided not to. The deal for the beginning of the year was $20 off the first two boxes. We signed up for 3 meals for two. We had our first meal tonight. We had Crispy Chicken Legs with Scallion Chimichurri
and Black Beans over Lime Rice. It was very good but on a day that I didn’t walk my normal 15,000+ steps, I couldn’t eat the entire meal so instead of two meals, it was actually three and I have a yummy lunch for tomorrow. I actually really enjoyed the meal. I wish they had a plan for singles. I don’t know how often I will actually get these boxes but you can stop and start anytime you want. You can do 2-4 people and 2-4 meals a week. Tomorrow, my kiddo will cook our meal number two. We got three meals for this week and I have skipped next week as it is a crazy week. I think that maybe once a month will be good for me once I am alone again. I do recommend this. I probably will try some of the other programs for introductory sales but I was very happy with the quality of the food and love that I could choose the meals from several options. I am not sure if the others do that or not.

https://www.hellofresh.com?c=KYLENEJ&utm_source=raf-share&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=clipboard

I had so many plans for this weekend but I barely got off the sofa. I did get some things done but never left the house and barely got dressed. I sure wish that I could just end this funk that I have been in.

As the year is coming to a close, I cannot help but realize that another year has passed ALONE. January 8th will be the beginning of my 7th year alone except for the few marvelous months with the ex-bf. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being just friends. I am tired of FWB which is why I haven’t had sex since I was in Arizona the beginning of November. Is is so much to want a relationship.. Is it too much to want to be loved and be in love. I won’t settle to have it but DAMN it, I miss it.

The pilot and I decided that the distance was an issue and have decided to be just friends. It sucked to have that discussion but it was needed. It is a shame that things were not different with us. He is so much fun. I could have gotten attached to him. In the mean time, R is confusing the hell out of me. He came over the other night, we talked, snuggled and fooled around but I told him that I cannot and will not have sex with him as friends anymore. He was fine with that. I have made it very clear with him where I stand. If he wants to give us a chance, all he has to do it say so but he won’t. He invited me to come over and spend new years with him and his son tomorrow. I told him that really all I want to just spend a week in bed drinking and feeling sorry for myself for not being lovable. He texted me back that I am loved and I told him but not completely. He replied, “more than you know” Now what the fuck does that mean. If he is in love with me, why doesn’t he say it. If he isn’t then he needs to quit saying things like that.

There is a part of me that wants to just give up and be celibate forever but then there is the other part of me that wants to continue trying so I signed back up on Match today. I have never paid for Match before but POF and OKCupid have had the same men for five years. It was time to look at possibly a new set of men. Of course, Broncos fan, R, and a couple of other men that I have gone out with are there. I hope that it is not as bad as the others were for me more recently.

In the mean time, I need to get my ass off the sofa for more than work and karate. I need to work on decluttering the home so I can sell this place ASAP. I need to find another source of income so I can start getting ahead financially.

I hope that 2019 is a better year for me. 2018 has had its moments but for the most part, I am so glad that it is over.

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