relationships


Must Be This Tall To Ride

busy street in New York City - Shutterstock It’s not always about what it looks like. It’s not about what YOU perceive to be the ‘correct’ response to a particular life scenario. Modern adulthood, by its very nature, isolates humans from one another, depriving them of support and resources that people crave, need, and which help them live longer, healthier, more satisfying lives. We should collectively try to do something about it. But in the meantime, we must simply look out for ourselves and one another. (Image/Shutterstock)

One of my newest friends and favorite people just moved about a four-hour drive away.

He might as well have moved to another planet, in the context of how much we’re likely to hang out in the future.

He was my partner in crime—both professionally and socially at the office. He sat just a few feet behind me.

Now, it’s just shut-down computer monitors and an empty office chair. Today’s the…

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phicklephilly

Given that we live in a time when only half of marriages manage to pass the test of time, good marriage advice is more than necessary.

While following marriage advice from a person who failed at it seems counterintuitive, this couldn’t be further from the truth. It is honest and practical advice, emphasizing the things that this man learned from his first marriage.

Soon after his divorce became official, Gerald Rogers, author and motivational speaker, shared a wedding day photo and a message about what he has learned about keeping a marriage happy.

“Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman who I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had… “

Here are some of…

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I think I may be in trouble. Things with the pilot are going real well and I am terrified and twitterpated at the same time.

Three weeks after his first visit, he flew back. I met him at the airport. I went up to the plane and we immediately kissed. It was so good to see him and it felt so right to be with him. He actually stayed in town two night that time. We had thought about driving to Ouray but it was snowing in the high country so I took him on a drive around here. I brought him to my house even though it was a mess. I was embarrassed about the condition of it but with my kid in the process of moving out, I had an excuse. I am also doing major decluttering so there are boxes everywhere. I pulled out my son’s guitar and he played a little bit. We just thoroughly enjoyed our time together. I so hated for him to leave. He is romantic. He is sweet. He is considerate. I took him around town and introduced him to many places that I frequent. We went to a movie. We had sex.

I had a plan to go to Arizona prior to meeting him. I was going to go backpacking and after I met the pilot, I decided to extend my trip to have some time with him, too. My trip was on the seventh of this month. I was going to spent a couple of days in Sedona and then to Phoenix to his house for several days. When I got to Sedona area, I got hit with a terrible migraine. He had texted me to ask how things were going. When I told him about my migraine, he told me that I was more than welcome to come over early. I felt so bad that I decided to do so. We were together from Wednesday night until Monday morning. I got to his house feeling terrible. I had taken some meds. He fed me and I went to bed fairly early. I had a migraine hangover the next day so took it pretty easy. He was working at home that day. At one time, I heard his hose running and didn’t think anything of it. It turned out that he was washing my car. He buffed out some scratches and my headlights. I couldn’t believe that he did that for me while i was being lazy in his house. I spent the day reading and relaxing for he most part. I did spend some time with him outside and really enjoyed my quiet time. By that night, I was pretty much back to my normal self. He took me swing dancing that night. I did not bring clothes or shoes for that but we had so much fun. He is an excellent lead and loves to dance. Over the next few days, we went out in his MGB and his BMW. I got to drive the BMW. We went to the lake and cruised around. We saw many big horn sheep. We went to a birthday party of a friend of his and spent time with a couple of other friends of his. Dinner, art show, 80’s arcade. hiking…. So much fun. It ended way too soon. He played his guitar every day and we sang together and went out to a club near him and danced again. We flew to breakfast one morning.  Three nights, we sat in the hot tub and watched shooting stars. The first night in the hot tub, he set a very romantic mood and we had lights, wine, music. Everything all week was just picture perfect. I even teased him a little about how perfect it was. I so did not want to come home. I feel that I am fighting a losing battle to not fall him love with him. I cannot quit thinking about him. I was talking to my daughter and she was asking me what his faults are. I honestly can hardly think of any and they aren’t bad ones. He snores. He doesn’t like football but he doesn’t hate it like exbf/bff does. He will not kiss me in bed when we wake up due to bad breath. He is not as sexually driven as I am right now. I am not sure if he is being super respectful or if he truly isn’t that driven. We did not have sex every day and I easily could have spent much more time in bed together. I feel that his introducing me to a few of his friends and others in his life is a big deal. Am I over thinking that?

Life is easier alone but I want love. Is he the one? Is he falling for me, too? If we become serious, I will have to move to Phoenix eventually. I love where I am now. This is my home. Am I really willing to give it up for a man? I am trying to take this slowly but I definitely think we are heading in that direction. He is talking about flying up here in a few weeks and then again at the end of January. I may head up there mid-January

How do I stop overthinking? How do I trust love again? After six years, I think it is really time to give someone a chance.

R and I have been hanging out a bit and the man just confuses me so.  We are not dating and I do not think I can ever date him again or even sleep with him again.  He treats me like a girlfriend a lot though. I have actually told him that he needs to stop doing so. I had something happen at my house and I asked him to help me with it. I expect to pay him for things that he does professionally but he won’t take my money.  My back was out last week and he bought me a gift certificate for a massage at a good spa in town. I  have been trying to get over him for so long but he makes it so difficult. Yesterday, we took the dogs to the dog park. He is so physically affectionate with me. At one time, we are watching his son skipping rocks in the river and he comes up behind me and puts his arms around me. It is so natural for us. The way he looks at me is so wonderful. When he looks at me, I feel special, beautiful, and loved.

It is a shame that he and I never really had a chance. We dated January 2016 for a few weeks and have spent time together off and on since mainly as friends. I have met several of his siblings and his son loves me BUT I never stood a chance. I never told him about my first interaction with his adult daughter. When we were dating, he went to visit her as she was not living here at the time. She posted some photos of them on Facebook and I liked one or two of them and she sent me a message via Facebook telling me to butt out. She told me that she had no idea who I was and that I was to never comment or like anything she posted again. I have never told him because I never have wanted to cause trouble with other people’s relationships. He broke up with me shortly after that so I never thought it would be a problem. I did eventually meet her and we seemed to get along but I don’t feel welcome with her.

Late this summer, he told me that his ex and daughter were uncomfortable with me one night when we were all together. I had thought that he and I were going to have dinner, just the two of us. Then I was told that  his son would be joining us. That was fine with me but then I got there and the ex and the daughter were there, too, and all of them had already eaten. I felt like I was butting into a family dinner. I ordered food and he stayed with me and paid after the others left but it was very awkward. I finally realized that night that I can never compete with his ex. I know that they have to be in each others lives to an extent. Their son is 12.  When he told me the comments she and the daughter said after that night, I decided that I would no longer try and never be with him again. I can be his friend. I don’t think he loves his ex anymore but the four of them are still a nuclear family, even though they are not together and never will be again. She came out of the closet and is currently married to another woman. They still are together a lot. Holidays, the kids birthdays, random dinners, etc. I hope to never hang out with my ex except at our kids weddings and I will even limit that as much as possible. I definitely do not want to expect my partner to hang out with or be friends with my ex. I don’t want to hang out with my partner’s ex either, except for special occasions. If we were to meet and get along and click, that might be different but….I have always felt like an outsider when the ex and/or daughter are around. I don’t feel welcome. It isn’t that I dislike her but she is not my friend and if we had met  in another way, I doubt we would be friends. I do feel very welcome with his siblings which is great. It is a shame it went the way it has with him He is a great man and treats me real well. We have a lot in common but I have finally moved on and cannot go back, no matter how he acts when we are together.

This damn dating and love are so difficult.

Edit tonight: My car broke down and he came from his house to change my battery. He told me that he was going to pay for the battery but I beat him to it. I half jokingly asked him if I could keep him. He lives about 30 minutes out of town. There is a part of me that wants to hit him with a  2×4 and say hey, you are going to lose your chance soon. Oh well.

I don’t know why I haven’t been writing lately. I keep thinking about topics but haven’t taken the time in weeks to write. I need to get back to this as it is good for me in so many ways. I have had so much happen since I last wrote. Eventually, I will write about some of them but a brief synopsis follows.

  • The week after the pilot was here, I went to Denver to see the Broncos- Raiders game.
  • I have organized a girl’s group/night with friends here.
  • I got my bellybutton pierced.
  • The Pilot came back for another visit
  • I have a new co-worker
  • I threw my back out
  • stressing about the election and the world
  • decluttering to sell my house

I guess today, I will talk about the time with the pilot. We don’t talk a lot but we do text almost every day. He works such late hours and I hate to bother him at work. He has told me that he will always answer a call from me though. When I do call, he never acts irritated that I bothered him.  He flew back down about three weeks ago. He came in bright and early on a Saturday. I picked him up at the airport and once again, we just really enjoyed our time together. We were not as active this time but we also had more time together. The weather has taken a turn for the colder here in Colorado and the Arizona guy gets cold fast. He was here for 48 hours this time. We spent most of the weekend walking around town. We had thought about  driving over the mountains to my favorite neighboring town but it was snowing int he high country so I didn’t want to do that drive. Instead, I drove him around here a bit and brought him to my house. He tinkered with my son’s guitar a bit and he was approved of by the dogs.  He loves to play music and  I could have listened to him play much longer. Of course, I had to tell him how sexy that was.

I am driving down to Arizona on Wednesday for my new camping/hiking trip and plan on spending a few days with him while I am there. He is actually taking Friday through Sunday off to spend with me. I am very excited BUT I am really starting to overthink this situation. I really like him and I think that he likes me BUT the distance is definitely an issue. I want a partner more than every few weeks. I have never done a long distance relationship for very long before. I know that I do not want to move to Phoenix and if I ever change my mind on that, it will be a while. I cannot imagine giving things up for a man again. I never want to be in that position again. I have a good job, benefits, retirement plan here. He has his own business there, his mom, his son and his life. Will either of us ever be willing to make the change so we can be together (if it gets to that). I overthink and I doubt. I have a hard time even considering giving us a chance. I am trying to just live in the moment but my brain won’t stop.

One of the things I really like about what we have is this relationship is definitely not based on sex. It is so easy for that to take over in the beginning of a relationship but with the distance between us, it really can’t. Even when he got here last time, I would have been perfectly happy to go straight to the hotel for some intimate time but he just wanted to go check in and head out to town. He said we had plenty of time for sex. He is interested and doesn’t seem to have  problem with performing so I think he just really wants to know me. That is real nice. I guess I just need to relax and learn to take things slowly and enjoy what he and I have while we have it.

I was in my second year of college here. I had made many friends over the past couple of years. I was living in a four bedroom house with two guys and another gal. The guys  were like my brothers. I had a rule, no dating housemates. Too complicated if it didn’t work out. For the most part, my housemates and I were very different but, for the most part, we got along real well. We had the scholarly, the bicyclist, the stoner and me, the theater/science nerd. We all lived very separate lives most of the time but sometimes, we would actually hang out together. House parties, movie nights, watch sports on TV, even a theater party here and there. Over all it was a great living situation and I was very happy there. Across the street lived another college guy that we all knew someway or another. He would occasionally hang out with us and sometimes we would hang out at his place.

One night, a couple of my housemates and I were over at this guys house to watch The Fly. It was such a good movie and we thought it would be a good night. For some reason, my roommates went back home for the night. The movie was about over and I wanted to see the end. I had no reason to not trust the guy that lived there. I had hung out with him many times before. I was wrong. Shortly after my roommate left, the guy was on top of me. He had me pinned to the sofa and was trying to convince me to go further. I kept telling him no and he kept going, touching, kissing, groping, touching, kissing. I had no chance of getting away from him and he would not stop no matter how much I told him no. I was scared and couldn’t get away. He was so big and I was at such a disadvantage as I was pinned under him on the sofa in an empty house. He was at least 200 pounds. A BIG guy. At the time, I was barely over 100 pounds and 5’5″ and had no skills for defense. I had never been so happy to hear a knock on the door until that night. One of my roommates came back. I have no idea why but I have been so grateful for it. The guy jumped off of me and I sped home. I did tell my roommate what happened and thanked him so much for coming back. I never spoke to the neighbor again and avoided him the rest of the time I was in school.

I never reported the incident. I only spoke of it to a few people. I knew it would be his word against mine. I didn’t want to go through the hassle or any of the shit that goes with it. I didn’t want to have people say that I shouldn’t have put myself in that position. I didn’t want to hear how it was my fault. I didn’t want my sexual promiscuity to be used against me. I knew I had no proof. My roommate didn’t see anything, he just knew how glad I was to see him and what I told him. I did share with a couple of female friends and found out that he had done the same with a couple of friends of mine but they chose not to report either. Being a reporting female, especially back then was so bad but I do not know if it has gotten any better.

I blocked out so much of the event. I do not remember his name, I just remember that he was a lot bigger than I was. I remember the house. When I drive by it, I always remember it. I don’t remember what he looked like but I remember the layout of the room. I remember the smells. Would I remember his name if I heard it? Would I remember his face if I saw it? I do not know but I do know that it happened. I have shared with very few people in my life. Why share it? It does no good. I often have guilt for not reporting it as I am sure he has done it again but would my coming forward have stopped it or just ruined my life? I am just glad I got away before he raped me and it was “just a sexual assault”. It still traumatized me. It still made me very leery of men and trusting a man when I am getting to know them. I thought he was my friend.

I am Fifty One now.

#metoo

They say the third time is the charm. Three times you are out. I think that Broncos Fan just blew any chance with me. I shared previously how he blew me off on my birthday. 

We worked past that but it definitely make me look at things with him differently. Things had started off so good and I actually thought that we might develop into something. After that incident, I stepped back and decided that I really needed to take it slow with him. I am so glad that I changed my tone. He has now blown me off not once, not twice, not even three times but FOUR!!!! My birthday was bad enough but I wasn’t heartbroken. I mentioned that we were supposed to get together that Tuesday. I messaged him asking about the plans and he cancelled on me. He stated that he had to be in town at 0730 the next morning so didn’t think he could handle going out. I let him off the hook but I was really bothered. I live thirty minutes farther from town than he does. If we had gone out, I would have gotten home later than him and had to be at work in town at 0800 the next morning. He would been home more than an hour longer than I would have been so I felt he wimped out on me. The third time he flaked out on me was something coming up this weekend. My family has access to Denver Broncos tickets. I had invited him to go to the game with me this Sunday. He originally said yes and was supposedly excited to join me.  I put in for a vacation day on Monday and it was a date. He was looking for a new job and was lucky to find one pretty quickly BUT when he took the job, he had his start day be this Monday. I do know that maybe there wasn’t a choice BUT usually when you start a job, you can say, I have plans on such and such a day, can I start the next day. I have never had that be a problem when I was hired somewhere. I decided to let it go  but due to having some other problems, I almost had to cancel the trip, I got things worked out and a friend of mine is going with me. Tonight was the last one, He has been out of town for a week. We haven’t seen each other since the 1st. He called me last night and said he wanted to see me before I left town tomorrow. We planned a date for tonight. I think all we were going to do was hang at his place and watch some television and then I would have driven my 30 minutes home to my place to drive to Denver (almost 6 hours) tomorrow. This morning, he texts me and told me that today was going to be too busy for him and he was going to have to cancel. I told him okay but was not a happy woman.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend and I had a girls day. We talked a lot about our kids and their relationships. One of the things that she said that wishes that she could get her kids to realize is that what we see at the beginning is the best it is going to be. If someone is unreliable at the beginning that is not going to get better. I remember thinking then that it was a wise thing for all of us single people to remember. Broncos Fan is a nice man but he is not wanting to make sacrifices or make the time to spend it with me. If it were important to him, he would. I think maybe he was right when he said that we should just be friends. I can enjoy watching football with him but the man that I want to date wants to make time to be with me. I need to let him know this but first, I am heading out of town for a few days.  I deserve a man that puts me first and shows that I am important to him.

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