recovery


I figured since my last post was basically suicidal, that I should update. I made it through that night with lots of crying and very little alcohol. I felt that I didn’t sleep at all. I was so worried about the car and propane. My eldest had called during my breakdown and was very worried. She remembered how I was before meds and called her sibling at work. When the middle kiddo came home, they were so affectionate and the next day, they took over.

When I left for work, I told them to let me know when Amerigas showed up because I might have to make another phone call. I texted them a couple of hours later and heard nothing. I was such a mess at work but I will get to that later. Eventually, I heard from the kiddo. They had been on the phone with Amerigas for almost an hour. They told the kiddo that they hadn’t come out because someone in my canyon told them that THEIR driveway was impassable that week so Amerigas took all of my canyon off the deliver list. There are several things wrong with that. One, I was calling daily desperate for delivery and told them my driveway was clear. Two, this is a large canyon and I am on the sunny side. I have had grass growing while my neighbors across the street still have FEET of snow. There is a road everyone calls the back road that is barely passable year round. How dare they make delivery plans based on a neighbor. I spoke to five people and had two emails that week and was never told this. In fact, the second person I talked to asked me about access. I found out what was required – 12 feet wide- and told her that I would measure when I got home and that if the snow wasn’t melted enough to give the driver 12 feet, I would call, otherwise we were good. That was Tuesday. After my kid was on the phone for a while, the delivery guy called med and said he was on the way. He told the kiddo that we wouldn’t have made it through the night but now we have propane. As soon as the snow is gone, I am changing companies. That was ridiculous.

My meds finally came in the mail the next day. I will not go without again. When I got to work that next day, my boss noticed something was wrong and asked. I lost it. Next thing I knew I was sobbing and telling him everything. He told me that if I ever needed money for meds again, to let him know. My kids did the same, as did R. My boss offered to cover a short term Rx from the local pharmacy. I checked the tracking and found out that it was supposed to come that day so turned him down. When I was on the phone with USAA, he came and stuck $50 in my pocket. I had told him that I hadn’t ordered the meds cuz I needed food more. He told me to go buy something impractical for food and to enjoy. Maybe I will get a good steak. I took my meds that night when I got home and am back on schedule.

About the car, what a mess. So I called USAA the next morning and spoke to my adjuster. He said he had been reaching out to the body shop and hadn’t heard anything back from them. I talked to him for quite a while We got off the phone and he got to work. He eventually got through to the body shop but what they sent was not sufficient but he was going to keep trying. My car was supposed to be ready on Thursday. I was thinking that every day was costing me rental so I was not happy when I finally got a call from the body shop telling me one more day. Friday afternoon, I still hadn’t gotten the call and was starting to think I was going to have to go a few more days with the rental when they finally called around 1500. I left work an hour early at 1600 to get the car. I went to Enterprise first to return the rental. I immediately told them that I had scratched the car and asked what I needed to do. I had already spoken to my adjuster about it too. The sweet guy at Enterprise made my day so much better. I had rental insurance but I had messed up at some time and didn’t have coverage for a car that would get to my house so I was paying extra every day for the truck instead of a smaller vehicle that never would have made it with all the snow we got. He took that charge off and the money I paid for the upgrade went to the deductible. He said we are all good. I am not sure if I will have to pay the remaining $400 of not. We will see. He was wonderful. I have never had any problems with Enterprise. They took me to the body shop to get my car and R had paid my deductible there so instead of $2000 out of pocket, I only had the $500 for Enterprise. R had said something in a text earlier that my day would get better that afternoon but still cannot believe he paid my deductible. I know he will not let me pay him back. He gave me a couple of hundred in the past and he refused to take the check to pay him back.

Things worked out. I had people step up and offer to help and some helped. I wish when I am crazy with my depression that I can see that I cam not alone. I obviously cannot go without my meds. I hadn’t done so since I went on them but it really was a choice of food and meds. I am tired of being broke but I will get through this, somehow. One day at a time.

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I am so tired of things going wrong. I am slowly sinking more and more into debt but not because of poor choices Mostly it has been because of car issues and medical issues I have been trying to get a consolidation loan for a while but keep get turned down. I hit a deer in my car a little over a month ago. The only body shop that contracts with USAA locally couldn’t see my car for a month so I chose one that my boss uses. He is also a USAA member. It has been a month today that they have had my car. I have rental car coverage. On February 22, I got a call from Enterprise saying that the coverage was getting cancelled because the body shop had not sent info to USAA saying car wasn’t done. I called the body shop and they said they were having problems with getting parts but they would send information to USAA that day. Today, I get a call from Enterprise telling me I owe them almost $600 and need to return the car and that USAA cancelled coverage. I contact USAA and they never received anything from body shop. Body shop tells me they sent it and talked to Enterprise and not to worry about it. USAA tells me they have not heard from body shop. I hate the fuckin rental they gave me but it was the only car they had that could get to my house. I want my car back. Of course, with the several feet of snow we have gotten in the past month, I slid into chunks of ice and scratched the rental. So I have copay for 2 accidents and have to fight to figure out the shit with the bookshop/Enterprise/USAA. I know that USAA will cover the rental but I have to fix an error because someone is not doing their job.

In the mean time, we have had several FEET of snow and I finally can get up my driveway and dug out my propane tank Sunday night. I have been parking at the bottom for weeks and walking up. I was at 5%.. I contacted Amerigas and asked for a delivery. I immediately got an email saying I would get a delivery the next day. Here it is Wednesday night, I am on zero and no delivery yet. I have contacted them yesterday and today and was told I would get a delivery. I called the corporate office tonight hysterically crying and told her I needed propane. If I don’t get propane, lines will freeze that I cannot afford to fix. She had NO information about deliveries. I had an email and 2 phone calls. I was told yesterday I would get a delivery last night or first thing today. I was told this afternoon, that I would have a delivery today. She did not understand why I hadn’t had a delivery yet. The driver called and asked if I could make it till morning as he was 90 minutes away. He told me he was calling his boss and promised a delivery in the morning I was sobbing. I hope it really happens. I turned my heat down and am grateful for electric heaters and dogs for heat.

One more thing, I am one three regular meds.. One is a med for my heart murmur. I haven’t taken it in almost 3 months because I couldn’t afford to buy it but the other that I ran out of was my antidepressant. I have been off of them for over a week now. I have been crying all day and am struggling to keep it together. The only reason that I am keeping going is I promised my kid that I won’t do anything. I truly wish that I would just drop dead. I won’t kill myself but I am so fucking tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am tired of struggling financially. I am tired of being alone. I am angry and resentful towards my ex. I gave up everything to raise our kids and support his carrier. Now he is getting remarried, has a good career and I am struggling to fucking eat. I wish that I could just stop existing. I don’t want to do this anymore. It takes so much for me to get up every day and face another day of struggling but I will continue. I sure hope that someday my life gets better. I am lonely, I am broke. I am tired. I often wonder if it is worth it.

My eldest came home last week and on Friday morning, my two eldest kids told me that they had something to tell me. They dropped a bombshell. They told me that their dad is getting married. My initial reaction was good for him. I always knew he would do this before I did. I was so relieved that he didn’t marry the weasel faced bitch. The new gal is also a gal he knew in high school. I am grateful that she and the kids all get along. I haven’t met her yet but she seems better than WFB. I do think it is humorous that he has gone backwards with his women but really, I do wish him well.

My initial reaction lasted a short while and then the tears and anger came. Damn him!!! He is about the make the promises to another woman that he made to me twenty eight years ago. For twenty three years, I stood by him as he built his career. I gave up my military career because he didn’t like the military life and I stayed home and raised our kids. Because of the date I got out of the military, I had to give up my GI Bill so I lost my chance of finishing my education while I raised our three kids. I moved to and lived in Chicago and suffered there all alone. I dealt with in-laws that for the most part never welcomed me to the family. I dealt with a controlling husband that treated me like he was better then I am, even though I was more educated and, to be honest, smarter than he is. I put up with emotional abuse but kept thinking that it would get better. I put up with so much only to find that his promises meant nothing to him. Is it normal of me to have resentments now, even though I wouldn’t take him back for anything? I could have retired from the military ten years ago and worked in a field I loved all that time. I would have retirement now and could be having a second income now.

I don’t want him back. I do not love him. I am not jealous but I fucking resent the hell that he makes over three times what I do. I sacrificed so much for our family only to have him walk out just as the kids were grown and we could finally start having our time. He gets to move on with a good career while I am struggling to even pay my bills and eat. I am alone while I am struggling while he is now in his second serious relationship and actually getting married. I honestly think I will be alone forever. There is also the part of me that hope that he has grown enough that he will treat her better than he treated me. Such a horrible range of emotions. I cried for a bit, which made my kids feel bad for telling me. I tried to hide it from them but was unable to hold it in the entire time. I really am happy for him. I wish him well. I just wish that things could be good for me, too.

R was hanging out with my kid and me on Friday. He noticed immediately that something was wrong and mentioned that maybe I should see someone. I am so hesitant to do so. I have a few free visits with my insurance but they are with counselors in the hospital where i used to work. One encouraged him to divorce me and the other has been an acquaintance for over 20 years, I also get stressed being in that building due to how Centura treated me. Besides, I honestly think that my having a reaction was normal. I am not dwelling on it. I am not crying about it anymore. I just had to vent my feelings.

I was in my second year of college here. I had made many friends over the past couple of years. I was living in a four bedroom house with two guys and another gal. The guys  were like my brothers. I had a rule, no dating housemates. Too complicated if it didn’t work out. For the most part, my housemates and I were very different but, for the most part, we got along real well. We had the scholarly, the bicyclist, the stoner and me, the theater/science nerd. We all lived very separate lives most of the time but sometimes, we would actually hang out together. House parties, movie nights, watch sports on TV, even a theater party here and there. Over all it was a great living situation and I was very happy there. Across the street lived another college guy that we all knew someway or another. He would occasionally hang out with us and sometimes we would hang out at his place.

One night, a couple of my housemates and I were over at this guys house to watch The Fly. It was such a good movie and we thought it would be a good night. For some reason, my roommates went back home for the night. The movie was about over and I wanted to see the end. I had no reason to not trust the guy that lived there. I had hung out with him many times before. I was wrong. Shortly after my roommate left, the guy was on top of me. He had me pinned to the sofa and was trying to convince me to go further. I kept telling him no and he kept going, touching, kissing, groping, touching, kissing. I had no chance of getting away from him and he would not stop no matter how much I told him no. I was scared and couldn’t get away. He was so big and I was at such a disadvantage as I was pinned under him on the sofa in an empty house. He was at least 200 pounds. A BIG guy. At the time, I was barely over 100 pounds and 5’5″ and had no skills for defense. I had never been so happy to hear a knock on the door until that night. One of my roommates came back. I have no idea why but I have been so grateful for it. The guy jumped off of me and I sped home. I did tell my roommate what happened and thanked him so much for coming back. I never spoke to the neighbor again and avoided him the rest of the time I was in school.

I never reported the incident. I only spoke of it to a few people. I knew it would be his word against mine. I didn’t want to go through the hassle or any of the shit that goes with it. I didn’t want to have people say that I shouldn’t have put myself in that position. I didn’t want to hear how it was my fault. I didn’t want my sexual promiscuity to be used against me. I knew I had no proof. My roommate didn’t see anything, he just knew how glad I was to see him and what I told him. I did share with a couple of female friends and found out that he had done the same with a couple of friends of mine but they chose not to report either. Being a reporting female, especially back then was so bad but I do not know if it has gotten any better.

I blocked out so much of the event. I do not remember his name, I just remember that he was a lot bigger than I was. I remember the house. When I drive by it, I always remember it. I don’t remember what he looked like but I remember the layout of the room. I remember the smells. Would I remember his name if I heard it? Would I remember his face if I saw it? I do not know but I do know that it happened. I have shared with very few people in my life. Why share it? It does no good. I often have guilt for not reporting it as I am sure he has done it again but would my coming forward have stopped it or just ruined my life? I am just glad I got away before he raped me and it was “just a sexual assault”. It still traumatized me. It still made me very leery of men and trusting a man when I am getting to know them. I thought he was my friend.

I am Fifty One now.

#metoo

Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest TrailWild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I did very much enjoy this book. After reading many of the reviews, I can see where the negative comments came from but I do disagree with them in many ways. After her mother died, it appears that she got depressed. That is how I can see why she threw away a good marriage and lost. She was lost. Yes, her deciding to hike the PCT alone with no experience was not a smart thing to do. She was very lucky that she ran into so many kind hearted people. To me, that shows how most people are good after all. She made many mistakes and was very lucky. Yes, she got off the trail many times but only bypassed in a few areas. She stuck with it though she was unprepared. I respect that she kept going with an overweight backpack, lack of supplies, and lots of pain. The critics need to remember that she was so young when this happened. We aren’t the smartest at that age. She learned a lot about herself and grew a lot on her journey. I don’t know what has happened to her since but I hope that she has found happiness and continued to grow in strength and confidence.

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My name is Wil Wheaton. I live with Chronic Depression, and I am not ashamed

LuckyLucky by Alice Sebold

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Wow. What a book. This is the true story of the author’s brutal rape and her recovery. She is so brutally honest and the book was so detailed that I could not put it down. The description of the rape was hard to read in such detail but I think it was important for the book for the readers to be able to relate even a little bit to her story. Hearing how her relationships changed with her friends and family was difficult to imagine. One scene that really stood out for me was when she tried to get her father to understand what happened to her and why she didn’t fight more. People so often judge and blame the victim. In this book, she talks about that frequently and how she actually tried to protect others from their discomfort. She was lucky to have a lot of support and one teacher that helped her have the strength to face her attacker in court and actually convict him. This was a book of strength and courage. It was well worth the read

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