loneliness


I feel that I have hardly stopped since Snowdown. Last week was a recovery week and I was so tired and last weekend was catch up  at home. I have had a lot going on and have hardly had any down time at home. I hate when I have blog posts running through my head all day and I can’t get them down. I am going to try and get to some of the ones I have thought of the past couple of weeks. My big one was Valentine’s Day. It has never been my favorite “holiday” but I still always would have liked acknowledgement. Before marriage, it seemed I was always single on Valentine’s Day. Too often, a boy/man would break up with me just prior. During my marriage, I learned that the ex was not romantic at all. I would have been happy with a nice dinner, a flower or bouquet, anything even remotely romantic. He didn’t give flowers often because HIS MOM didn’t like getting flowers. I LOVE getting flowers and he knew this.  Occasionally, I would get a card or something but I learned to not expect us to do anything romantic for anything. I would suggest weekends away, even to somewhat local places so we could save money. I would suggest things all the time and he poo-pooed them all the time. The last few years of the marriage, it, of course, got worse. Six years before the divorce, our middle child was given a dozen roses at school by a boy that liked her. They were not dating. They were beautiful and I was so happy for her. We put them  in a vase and had them prominently on display. A few hours later, the ex came in, threw a single rose on the table and said, “here is your VD flower.” Wow. I just wanted to cry and shove it up his ass.

He filed for divorce on January 14th and here in Colorado, your first court date is one month later. Yep, I went to divorce court for a divorce I didn’t want on VALENTINE’S DAY. I still cannot believe they do that. There are some days that divorce court should not happen. I was a mess. I had a severe anxiety attack. The people in the courthouse sent me to Adult Protective Services downstairs to make sure I was okay. It was terrible.

Since then, I have tried to not let that day completely ruin Valentine’s for me. I could find a romantic man that enjoys doing things for his gal. My first one single was great. A guy I was dating and I went skiing and he reserved a table for us at the restaurant at the top of the mountain. I had no idea. He knew that I was having a hard time and he was so sweet. He and I were not ready for a relationship at the time. We were both the first dates after 20+ year marriages. We were good for each other and he helped me a lot. I hope I helped him. The following two years I was dating ex/bf bff and R. Exbff and  I went on a cruise right afterwards and R and I had a great date. They both gavve me flowers. Last year I was single but still received flowers from someone that was interested. I don’t know why but this year hit me hard. I was single and feeling very alone. Maybe because there have been no prospects since ice cream man. I have no idea. For the most part, I have been doing well but the days leading up to and on Valentine’s Day last week, I was getting grouchier and moodier. I cried a lot and just wanted someone to hold me. I had someone tell me to just ignore it but when yo are walking up and down main street with every window having ads for Valentines, every radio station, TV station ad is about love, it is hard to ignore. The person that told me this is basically a hermit.  I was so ready for the day to be over. I got off work and went to my car and see R drive up. He gets out of his car and tells me that he failed. He was holding a bouquet of flowers that he was going to put on my car anonymously.  He told me that he knew it was a hard day for me. I just wanted to cry. The man says there is something missing in our relationship and that is why we aren’t dating but it is obvious that he really cares for me. Why won’t he accept my heart? I would give it willingly. Oh well, he made my day better and I do know that he loves me, just not enough.

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I have been a bit lonely at times lately and definitely craving some physical touch. R and I still talk a lot. He is still talking to the gal in Moscow so we have not done anything besides friend things. We have had coffee a few times. We have been to the dog park. I worked for him one day when he needed help and I was able to use the money so that was a win win for both of us. Recently, we were talking about a movie and I asked him if he was available for some innocent snuggling.  He said yes and invited me over to snuggle on his couch and watch that movie. I was prepared to possibly spend the night and totally behave.  He is a good snuggler and  we both are missing physical touch. He has no commitment at this time so no reason he can’t fool around but I was planning on not doing anything.

Things were real good and nice for a while but eventually, he and I were fooling around a bit. It was so difficult to not let it go farther. He told me that he didn’t have to behave but he felt like he shouldn’t do anything until he gave her a chance. I know that if I had pushed at all, things would have progressed and I would have enjoyed having a wonderful night with  him, instead, I stopped things from going farther. I flat out told him that I would stay if he wanted me to and do nothing but snuggle, have sex, or leave but it was his choice. At this point, leaving was NOT what I wanted to do but I finally told him that I was leaving unless he stopped me. I kissed him goodbye and went out the door. I got to my car and realized I needed to go back for my phone and glasses. Damn….I had to do it all again but I did it. I can have him be a FWB like he was for a while but not under these circumstances. It was not easy to drive away from his house. I told him later that I couldn’t believe he actually let me leave. He said he couldn’t believe it either. I told him that she better not hurt him. I sure wish that he and I could have had a nice innocent night. I did enjoy what happened but I left completely sexually frustrated AND still wanting to have a night of snuggling.

I texted my eldest and told her what happened and she told me how strong I was for leaving. I had to think about it for a minute and then told her why I was able to do so. I did not want him to regret having sex with me and I have too much respect for myself now. I want him to have sex with me again because he wants to not just because we are both horny. I am proud of myself for walking out and the relevation of why was very good for me. I don’t know if R and I will ever be together physically again but obviously, the physical connection is still there. We  care about each other. It is a shame that he couldn’t love me. We could have been good together but I accepted we would be no more than friends a long time ago. It has been two years since we dated. I hope he can find love. I hope I can find love.

Tonight was emotional for me. Actually, all week has been emotional. I hurt my leg last week and I do not do well being laid up. I had my gum graft on Monday so was laid up from that. I have been chatting with a couple of guys on line and thought I had a date set up on Thursday and then I didn’t hear from him. I thought I had been ghosted again. I was feeling sad and lonely last night. (Turns out I misunderstood him and he will be in town next week. ) I haven’t had a boyfriend in two years. I am quite lonely and craving physical attention.

 

So tonight, being at a celebration of life was just the kicker. I didn’t know Bob well. I wish I had known him better. He was good friends with BFF so when we were hanging out a lot, we would occasionally have a night with Bob and his girlfriend. They hadn’t been together for a super long time but it was so obvious that he loved her and she loved him She stood by him for the year of his dying and was so good to him. She had asked me to come tonight so I did. I sat there and listened to people talk about Bob and his family. His love for her. His love for life. I ended up crying a lot more than I expected to.

I have seen a lot of death in the last ten years but this is the first time that I actually wondered what it would be like at mine. Does anyone ever really think about that? How you will be remembered. Who will cry when you are gone. Who will miss you. What they will say about you. I know that it would be different for me now than it would have been when I was married. I have expanded my friends so much. I feel so much more love in my life and I hope I bring happiness to others as Bob did to the people that were there tonight. I hope that before I go, I can have a love like he had at the end. So  many of us never truly think about these things. We, as a society, like to hide from the reality of death but we are all dying at some time. We shouldn’t deny it any more than we should dwell on it. We should face it but also enjoy our lives because we never know when our time is up. Bob died 51 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer. Before that day, he thought he was a healthy man. His life changed in a moment. I am glad I went to the celebration to be with my friends and give them support. I wish I had known Bob better. I hope I can help my friends through this time. Now, I just want to go snuggle with someone besides my pup, but he will have to do.

I feel like I am rambling tonight so I am going to sign off and try to meditate or something. I just had to share this rambling with my followers.

A Woman on the Edge of Time: a son's search for his motherA Woman on the Edge of Time: a son’s search for his mother by Jeremy Gavron
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I picked this book up at a book rescue not knowing much about it but it definitely drew me to it. The speed in which I read it says something. I did not want to put this book down. Hannah was such a strong woman and so ahead of her time. It made me think of being a woman before now. My grandmother was also ahead of her time. I often thought about my mother who was in the same age group as Hannah. Women were expected to be a certain way and women who chose not to had a difficult road. Unfortunately, Hannah ultimately couldn’t handle it and took her life. She left two young boys and a family that never spoke of her again. This is written by the younger of the boys as he tries to understand his mother and her choice. This book also made me proud of my daughters who are in no hurry to marry and have babies. They are living their lives before they go down this path, if they choose that path I sure wish that I had done so. Hannah’s thesis that was later published is The Captive Wife. I wonder how many of us feel the way this book implies. I think Ii will have to find it and read it. I know I can probably relate. I gave up my life for the “dream” and it was a mistake. Now I am alone, poor, and fifty, trying to figure out how to live my dreams. I will make it as I have made it this far. This book is worth the read. It is not anti-man. It is not anti-marriage. It is more about having the strength to follow your dreams. The women back then had so many more obstacles than we do now. It has improved but many are still there due to our gender. We need to continue to change things for our daughters and granddaughter.

View all my reviews

I shared a piece on October 8th about the shootings that keep happening in our country in Thoughts on Vegas, and Why Men Keep Doing This – Be Yourself . This was a very interesting read on men in our society and why they keep doing these atrocious things. It also mentioned a few things to read, watch, or join to learn more, grow, or fix things. One of them was a film The Mask You Live In . I watched this over the weekend and cried. It is so telling what we have done to our boys. How confusing it is to “be a man” in our world.

I saw my son so many times. He is so not a typical boy. He had two older sisters. He and the middle kid are so close. He would play dolls with her. She took tap and ballet so he wanted to take tap and ballet. He did that for three years. The first year at three, he was the only boy. The second and third year, he was joined by his best friend. They quit when the school closed. He started playing the violin at five. He also played flag football for three years. He enjoyed it but after the third year, he said he was done with football. He wanted to be a Bronco and the team was the Broncos that year so he reached his goal. When he started Kindergarten his favorite color was pink. He had the classroom bully tell him that he was not allowed to like pink. This same bully picked on him for years. I didn’t know about much of the bullying because my son never told us but the middle kiddo would tell us. He also had a couple of real good friends that always stood up for him. One was his girlfriend. She was so cute. She would threaten to beat up all the boys that picked on him. I am sure that didn’t help matters but she always had his back. They are still friends to this day. The other was his jock best friend. They are so different but are like brothers. As the years went on, my son became an avid reader, brain, reader, and very sensitive. In high school, he got into band and theater. My son has never been a stereotypical boy and is now finding his way as a man that doesn’t fit the stereotypical male in our society.

This film delves into what being a man is and how our society tries to stifle the “feminine” side of them.  We need to change the way we raise our boys and what we expect from them. There are men like my son. There are men like his best friend, the jock. They both are very sensitive young men and have been allowed to be this way due to their mothers. Both of them had fathers that are the more “macho” men that were raised to not show emotions. Not all men are as lucky as our boys. Many are still raised to not show emotions. Those men are damaged. They have difficulties in so many aspects of their lives, even if they don’t see it themselves. Many become lonely, angry, and unsatisfied in life. Many end up much worse- abusers, controllers, killers, etc. We need to let our boys be who they are and express their own interests and feelings. I think anyone that influences boys in our world should watch this film. I would love to hear your opinions on this film after you watch it.

I adore ice cream guy when I am with him but when I am not, I am constantly trying to talk myself out of liking him. I know in my head that he is not the right guy long term and it stinks. We so enjoy our time together BUT he is the most unsocial person that I know. He won’t even consider going to my game nights with me.  I thought it was just because he isn’t a gamer but then he also won’t even consider going to Rocky Horror Live. Again, I figured Rocky wasn’t his thing. I then invited him to a party for Halloween and he also said no, not his thing. He doesn’t like things with crowds or small talk. I spent the last ten years of my marriage wanting to do things and the ex wouldn’t. I am now comfortable doing things by myself but do I want to forever? No, not really. We did discuss this a little and I think we both know this  is a long term problem

He also is more broke than I am. I am not looking for a sugar daddy or a man to support me but one that can afford to do something occasionally would be nice. He also doesn’t seem to follow through on things. We were supposed to go on a trip to Moab. I told him that I wanted to go on a trip and he said that would be fun and asked if he could come along. I thought that would be great. Since he  knows the area, he started looking for a place to stay and we talked about options a few times. The trip was supposed to be last weekend. We didn’t go anywhere. We were supposed to go ice skating today. I asked him to find out when the open skate was since it was something that he really wanted to do. He checked less than an hour before it started. I live 45 minutes away so that was unable to be there. It is now seven PM on Saturday night and I am home alone. This is my third weekend in a row not doing anything. He did come over last Friday night but except for a few minutes after work a couple of nights this week, I haven’t had any time with him since. I guess I was seeing something that wasn’t there. I haven’t even heard from him since I told him that tomorrows time is not good for me. I wish he wasn’t so great when we are together but I know I need more than he is currently giving me. I don’t know if he will ever be willing or able to give me more.

In the mean time, I am receiving text from other men wanting to spend time with me, including BF/ex-bf. We actually had a night out last night. We talked about US. He is wanting to spend time together again.I had to tell him that I cannot let myself fall in love with him again if he cannot love me. He asked me why I said that. I think he is truly thinking about trying again. I will always love him. He has never hurt me. I trust him implicitly. My kids love him. He is part of the family. I am terrified to give us a chance again and told him so. I did stay with him last night and we snuggled all night. It felt like being home.

I think that I am going to stick with being single for a while and just see what happens. I really don’t want to answer to anyone or have anyone have any control of me and my activities. It is easier to be alone and make my own decisions an just enjoy my life with whom I want to be with when  want to be with them. I actually thought that there was hope with the ice cream guy and I am really disappointed that I was wrong but I would rather learn that now than after I am fully invested in him. Time to move on again.

I’ll never forget April 20th, 1999.

Source: Thoughts on Vegas, and Why Men Keep Doing This – Be Yourself

This is a real good read on what is going on with men in our society. I highly recommend The Mankind Project to help our men.

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