loneliness


A Woman on the Edge of Time: a son's search for his motherA Woman on the Edge of Time: a son’s search for his mother by Jeremy Gavron
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I picked this book up at a book rescue not knowing much about it but it definitely drew me to it. The speed in which I read it says something. I did not want to put this book down. Hannah was such a strong woman and so ahead of her time. It made me think of being a woman before now. My grandmother was also ahead of her time. I often thought about my mother who was in the same age group as Hannah. Women were expected to be a certain way and women who chose not to had a difficult road. Unfortunately, Hannah ultimately couldn’t handle it and took her life. She left two young boys and a family that never spoke of her again. This is written by the younger of the boys as he tries to understand his mother and her choice. This book also made me proud of my daughters who are in no hurry to marry and have babies. They are living their lives before they go down this path, if they choose that path I sure wish that I had done so. Hannah’s thesis that was later published is The Captive Wife. I wonder how many of us feel the way this book implies. I think Ii will have to find it and read it. I know I can probably relate. I gave up my life for the “dream” and it was a mistake. Now I am alone, poor, and fifty, trying to figure out how to live my dreams. I will make it as I have made it this far. This book is worth the read. It is not anti-man. It is not anti-marriage. It is more about having the strength to follow your dreams. The women back then had so many more obstacles than we do now. It has improved but many are still there due to our gender. We need to continue to change things for our daughters and granddaughter.

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I shared a piece on October 8th about the shootings that keep happening in our country in Thoughts on Vegas, and Why Men Keep Doing This – Be Yourself . This was a very interesting read on men in our society and why they keep doing these atrocious things. It also mentioned a few things to read, watch, or join to learn more, grow, or fix things. One of them was a film The Mask You Live In . I watched this over the weekend and cried. It is so telling what we have done to our boys. How confusing it is to “be a man” in our world.

I saw my son so many times. He is so not a typical boy. He had two older sisters. He and the middle kid are so close. He would play dolls with her. She took tap and ballet so he wanted to take tap and ballet. He did that for three years. The first year at three, he was the only boy. The second and third year, he was joined by his best friend. They quit when the school closed. He started playing the violin at five. He also played flag football for three years. He enjoyed it but after the third year, he said he was done with football. He wanted to be a Bronco and the team was the Broncos that year so he reached his goal. When he started Kindergarten his favorite color was pink. He had the classroom bully tell him that he was not allowed to like pink. This same bully picked on him for years. I didn’t know about much of the bullying because my son never told us but the middle kiddo would tell us. He also had a couple of real good friends that always stood up for him. One was his girlfriend. She was so cute. She would threaten to beat up all the boys that picked on him. I am sure that didn’t help matters but she always had his back. They are still friends to this day. The other was his jock best friend. They are so different but are like brothers. As the years went on, my son became an avid reader, brain, reader, and very sensitive. In high school, he got into band and theater. My son has never been a stereotypical boy and is now finding his way as a man that doesn’t fit the stereotypical male in our society.

This film delves into what being a man is and how our society tries to stifle the “feminine” side of them.  We need to change the way we raise our boys and what we expect from them. There are men like my son. There are men like his best friend, the jock. They both are very sensitive young men and have been allowed to be this way due to their mothers. Both of them had fathers that are the more “macho” men that were raised to not show emotions. Not all men are as lucky as our boys. Many are still raised to not show emotions. Those men are damaged. They have difficulties in so many aspects of their lives, even if they don’t see it themselves. Many become lonely, angry, and unsatisfied in life. Many end up much worse- abusers, controllers, killers, etc. We need to let our boys be who they are and express their own interests and feelings. I think anyone that influences boys in our world should watch this film. I would love to hear your opinions on this film after you watch it.

I adore ice cream guy when I am with him but when I am not, I am constantly trying to talk myself out of liking him. I know in my head that he is not the right guy long term and it stinks. We so enjoy our time together BUT he is the most unsocial person that I know. He won’t even consider going to my game nights with me.  I thought it was just because he isn’t a gamer but then he also won’t even consider going to Rocky Horror Live. Again, I figured Rocky wasn’t his thing. I then invited him to a party for Halloween and he also said no, not his thing. He doesn’t like things with crowds or small talk. I spent the last ten years of my marriage wanting to do things and the ex wouldn’t. I am now comfortable doing things by myself but do I want to forever? No, not really. We did discuss this a little and I think we both know this  is a long term problem

He also is more broke than I am. I am not looking for a sugar daddy or a man to support me but one that can afford to do something occasionally would be nice. He also doesn’t seem to follow through on things. We were supposed to go on a trip to Moab. I told him that I wanted to go on a trip and he said that would be fun and asked if he could come along. I thought that would be great. Since he  knows the area, he started looking for a place to stay and we talked about options a few times. The trip was supposed to be last weekend. We didn’t go anywhere. We were supposed to go ice skating today. I asked him to find out when the open skate was since it was something that he really wanted to do. He checked less than an hour before it started. I live 45 minutes away so that was unable to be there. It is now seven PM on Saturday night and I am home alone. This is my third weekend in a row not doing anything. He did come over last Friday night but except for a few minutes after work a couple of nights this week, I haven’t had any time with him since. I guess I was seeing something that wasn’t there. I haven’t even heard from him since I told him that tomorrows time is not good for me. I wish he wasn’t so great when we are together but I know I need more than he is currently giving me. I don’t know if he will ever be willing or able to give me more.

In the mean time, I am receiving text from other men wanting to spend time with me, including BF/ex-bf. We actually had a night out last night. We talked about US. He is wanting to spend time together again.I had to tell him that I cannot let myself fall in love with him again if he cannot love me. He asked me why I said that. I think he is truly thinking about trying again. I will always love him. He has never hurt me. I trust him implicitly. My kids love him. He is part of the family. I am terrified to give us a chance again and told him so. I did stay with him last night and we snuggled all night. It felt like being home.

I think that I am going to stick with being single for a while and just see what happens. I really don’t want to answer to anyone or have anyone have any control of me and my activities. It is easier to be alone and make my own decisions an just enjoy my life with whom I want to be with when  want to be with them. I actually thought that there was hope with the ice cream guy and I am really disappointed that I was wrong but I would rather learn that now than after I am fully invested in him. Time to move on again.

I’ll never forget April 20th, 1999.

Source: Thoughts on Vegas, and Why Men Keep Doing This – Be Yourself

This is a real good read on what is going on with men in our society. I highly recommend The Mankind Project to help our men.

Why do relationships have to be so damn complicated? Right now, I’m watching my daughter whose heart is broken. I know many other people whose hearts are breaking right now. I know many others that are lonely or afraid to try again. Of course, there are the ones that are in miserable relationships that stay for whatever reason that they stay.

Here I am, wanting to embark and take a chance but then I’m terrified to give my heart again and/or trust. My insecurities keep coming forward for no reason whatsoever. Are my insecurities going to be what destroys this potential relationship? He is giving me no reason to be insecure yet I keep telling myself he’s pulling away and all sorts of other things. The reality is that he was out of town for the weekend and I was out of town for the weekend. We were both busy on our separate trips. He’s working more. It probably has nothing to do with me and him that I was not hearing from him as much today. He has his own vehicle at work now so he can’t text me while he’s driving. He didn’t get back into town until late last night.  Yet I find myself thinking bad things like he’s pulling away or that I saw something that wasn’t there with us.

I definitely think seeing other people struggle and sad and lonely and scared and miserable makes it so much harder for me to trust and love and try again. As I have said before with my job that I have lots of time to think. Today, I had these things run through my mind. My doubts were that I hadn’t seen ice cream guy since Friday. we had texted over the weekend. He got home late last night and so we didn’t see each other but I really wanted to see him. My mind started the doubt train. Then, I hardly heard from him today. I kept the self talk of don’t text him too much, it probably is nothing, I am being too sensitive. I don’t want to need him. I don’t want to be clingy. I don’t want him to be clingy. I was really trying to convince myself that everything was okay when I finally got the text. He asked if I remembered him and if we were going to see each other later. Whew. I did it again. I almost got myself all worked up and then he responded with making me laugh. I have got to let these insecurities go but there is always that part of me that thinks that I like someone more than they like me. We need to take it slow and see where this goes and I need to quit being paranoid that he doesn’t like me the same as I do him. It is obvious that, at this time, he does. I need to learn to trust that. We had a couple of hours tonight but he had some things to do as did I. I have time with friends the next couple of nights so he has time to work one something he needs to do for a possible permanent job here.

I have been spending a bit of time with ex-bf/bff  lately. It has been so nice to have time with him alone. I have missed talking to him so much. I have mentioned that he and his girlfriend broke up the beginning of July and he also lost his dog the same week. I was worried about him for a bit but he seems to be doing well now. He has been going to some personal growth retreats and he is really working on getting over his baggage. I sure hope that someday he can truly find happiness with himself so he can find it with somebody else. I will always love him but, unfortunately, I cannot go back to him, even if he asked. We did fool around on my birthday. It was nice to be back in his arms and kiss him again. It would  have been easy to open my heart back to him but I refuse to. As I have said before, I believe that love is a choice. I won’t give my heart back to him at this point and I have told him that. I choose not to love him like that again unless he is ready to let me in. Even then, it would not be a given. I would have to really think about it. He would have to earn me back.  I love how honest we are with each other. I love that I can tell him these things and he tells me that he still worries about hurting me when he is with someone else.

Last weekend, we went on a hike to a natural hot springs. Yes, we soaked naked. It was so nice sitting next in the hot springs with the cold river flowing by.  We have talked so much about our growth since we split up. I know the things he has done and he asked me what I have done. He also thinks that some of what I say is just words because I still occasionally say that I want a man. I have explained to him that those times are actually few anymore. I like my space. I love my freedom. So many times, I hear couples on the street and think to myself how glad I am not to be in a relationship. Even as few as a few months ago, I would sometimes get sad when I saw a couple holding hands walking down the street. Now, I really feel nothing. Not anger and pity, like I felt right after my divorce. I was such a cynic and was sure that they were all making a mistake in trusting and loving. I also, not longer feel sad because I am alone. I feel happy for them and hope it lasts. I do sometimes wonder if I will ever find that BUT it is truly not a concern anymore.

So, what have I done to grow? I have been thinking about that since he asked. One is that I spend so much time alone that I can think. Most of my workday, I spend thinking about my life and reflecting. I also blog here. This is so good for me. Not only is it journaling but I get feedback and see my feelings are normal and others feel the same way. I read LOTS of books and blogs. I am exercising not just at work but weight lifting again. I have loved that since I was a teen and haven’t done for years. I love how it makes me feel mentally and physically.  I am also spending more time with friends and reconnecting with people. My birthday helped with that. When you are content with your life and yourself, a partner becomes less important.

One of the things that I thought about the other day is WHY am  I so content alone right now? Of course, there is the standard, I can do what I want, when I want, without anyone having any say or worrying about being criticized for my choices and feelings as I did for years. My big AHA moment came the other day though. I had been dwelling on this for days and it just popped into my head. For the first time in my life, I am taking care of ME only. I am 50 years old and don’t need to take care of anyone but me and my puppies. Of course, I am still here for my kids but I am my priority for the first time. It is such a free feeling. I can go hike with my ex-bf, get naked and sit in a hot spring. I can go have beer with a friend. I can sit on my couch naked and blog. I can go to bed at 7 or at midnight. I can have ice cream for breakfast or dinner, if I choose. I am fifty years old and feel better physically and mentally than I did at 35. I am healthier. I am fit. I am sexy. I am beautiful and strong. I am independent. I am not lonely at all. I plan to continue growing and getting better with age. We all should.

Last weekend, I had a bad emotional breakdown. I had plans that went to hell and triggered this all. I was supposed to go work for a few hours and then meet a friend at the river  and play for a few hours. Earlier in the week, I had posted on Facebook that I wanted to play this weekend, either hike or paddle. This friend had said, sure. I was so excited to hang with him and get on the river. It was hot and muggy (for Durango) this past week and I had been looking forward to the cool water. When my alarm went off, I looked at my phone and had a text from my friend cancelling. I was bummed but not heartbroken until time passed. One of my feet was real sore so I didn’t feel that hiking was a wise move and you don’t play on the river alone. I asked my kids and they, of course, said no. I decided to just ride in with the kiddo and do my work when she was at her job. As we were driving in, I just lost it. I started sobbing and feeling sorry for myself. I sure hate when I get that way. For the most part, I am so happy now but when I cannot find ANYONE to go do something, I feel alone. I also have been so worried about the kiddo. She has been battling depression and suicidal thoughts for years. When I asked her the other day where she thought she would be in twenty years, she said dead. Well, that was NOT encouraging. She has no goals or dreams. I don’t know how to help her. She sees a doc occasionally. She is on meds but still has no oomph. I can barely get her out of her room except for work.  She has been through quite a few jobs in the past couple of years but for the most part has always been working. She lives with me and is supposed to pay a measly $300 in rent, her car payment, her car insurance, and her part of the cell phone, She is 22 and has chosen to not go to school at this time. Until last fall, she was having no problem covering her expenses but then her depression and anxiety got in the way and she lost a good job. She did a no call no show because she didn’t know how to deal with something going on there. Ever since then, she has been getting further and further behind in what she owes me. I won’t support her and  cannot support her. Due to her issues, I am starting to sink financially, too. She started a new job about six weeks ago and was told it would be 30 hours a week. With that, she would be able to cover her expenses AND catch up but they have not been giving er even close to that. Instead she has been working about ten hours a week. Not even enough to cover her bills, not including rent. I have been stressing about her mental health as well as my finances. I am trying so hard. I have a side job that is earning me $60-80 a week. It has helped a lot. I started this the same time she started her newest job. I have been telling her for weeks to talk to her boss about her hours but she wouldn’t do it. She hates confrontation. I try to  not let her know how much her situation stresses me out as I don’t want to push her over the edge. As I am sitting there crying, I am thinking to myself that I am pushing her with the breakdown which makes me feel worse. I have no one I can talk to about her situation. I cannot talk to the dad. We do not communicate at all. Everyone has so many words of advice but basically they do not understand her mental health.  I am feeling alone. I really wish I had a best friend here. Not having a man would be a lot more bearable. I dropped her off at work and pulled myself together for my PT job but was down all day. I did get some encouragement as she did finally talk to her boss and had about thirty hours this week. If she can keep this job, things will look up and she seems to like this one. I hope that things are looking up and we can turn things around. I am  hoping I can get out of this funk that I am in.

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