life


The Hate U GiveThe Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Wow, this book is so relevant to now. I listened to it on audible and I believe that it may be the best way to “read” this book. I think that people that read this book may understand others a bit better. It is not anti-cop but it is about a police officer that unjustly kills a young black man and the community wants justice. Just like in real life, the media tears the young man apart when he did nothing wrong when he was shot. The main character in the book was his best childhood friend and was with him when he was killed. The story is from her point of view. Her fear of coming forward, her fear of not coming forward. Her grieving the loss of her second friend in her arms. Her trying to stay together. He now fear of police officers though her beloved uncle is one.

I had no idea that a movie is about to be released until this week so my timing on reading this was perfect. I plan on seeing the movie this weekend while the book is still so fresh in my mind. I recommend this book to everyone. As a white woman, it hit me very hard. I could relate to the mom but, I am lucky with my white privilege, that I have never had to deal with the types of things the characters in this story do. Read this book. I hope the movie does it justice as I know many wont read books but may watch the movie. I think it is important for this dialogue to take place.

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I was in my second year of college here. I had made many friends over the past couple of years. I was living in a four bedroom house with two guys and another gal. The guys  were like my brothers. I had a rule, no dating housemates. Too complicated if it didn’t work out. For the most part, my housemates and I were very different but, for the most part, we got along real well. We had the scholarly, the bicyclist, the stoner and me, the theater/science nerd. We all lived very separate lives most of the time but sometimes, we would actually hang out together. House parties, movie nights, watch sports on TV, even a theater party here and there. Over all it was a great living situation and I was very happy there. Across the street lived another college guy that we all knew someway or another. He would occasionally hang out with us and sometimes we would hang out at his place.

One night, a couple of my housemates and I were over at this guys house to watch The Fly. It was such a good movie and we thought it would be a good night. For some reason, my roommates went back home for the night. The movie was about over and I wanted to see the end. I had no reason to not trust the guy that lived there. I had hung out with him many times before. I was wrong. Shortly after my roommate left, the guy was on top of me. He had me pinned to the sofa and was trying to convince me to go further. I kept telling him no and he kept going, touching, kissing, groping, touching, kissing. I had no chance of getting away from him and he would not stop no matter how much I told him no. I was scared and couldn’t get away. He was so big and I was at such a disadvantage as I was pinned under him on the sofa in an empty house. He was at least 200 pounds. A BIG guy. At the time, I was barely over 100 pounds and 5’5″ and had no skills for defense. I had never been so happy to hear a knock on the door until that night. One of my roommates came back. I have no idea why but I have been so grateful for it. The guy jumped off of me and I sped home. I did tell my roommate what happened and thanked him so much for coming back. I never spoke to the neighbor again and avoided him the rest of the time I was in school.

I never reported the incident. I only spoke of it to a few people. I knew it would be his word against mine. I didn’t want to go through the hassle or any of the shit that goes with it. I didn’t want to have people say that I shouldn’t have put myself in that position. I didn’t want to hear how it was my fault. I didn’t want my sexual promiscuity to be used against me. I knew I had no proof. My roommate didn’t see anything, he just knew how glad I was to see him and what I told him. I did share with a couple of female friends and found out that he had done the same with a couple of friends of mine but they chose not to report either. Being a reporting female, especially back then was so bad but I do not know if it has gotten any better.

I blocked out so much of the event. I do not remember his name, I just remember that he was a lot bigger than I was. I remember the house. When I drive by it, I always remember it. I don’t remember what he looked like but I remember the layout of the room. I remember the smells. Would I remember his name if I heard it? Would I remember his face if I saw it? I do not know but I do know that it happened. I have shared with very few people in my life. Why share it? It does no good. I often have guilt for not reporting it as I am sure he has done it again but would my coming forward have stopped it or just ruined my life? I am just glad I got away before he raped me and it was “just a sexual assault”. It still traumatized me. It still made me very leery of men and trusting a man when I am getting to know them. I thought he was my friend.

I am Fifty One now.

#metoo

They say the third time is the charm. Three times you are out. I think that Broncos Fan just blew any chance with me. I shared previously how he blew me off on my birthday. 

We worked past that but it definitely make me look at things with him differently. Things had started off so good and I actually thought that we might develop into something. After that incident, I stepped back and decided that I really needed to take it slow with him. I am so glad that I changed my tone. He has now blown me off not once, not twice, not even three times but FOUR!!!! My birthday was bad enough but I wasn’t heartbroken. I mentioned that we were supposed to get together that Tuesday. I messaged him asking about the plans and he cancelled on me. He stated that he had to be in town at 0730 the next morning so didn’t think he could handle going out. I let him off the hook but I was really bothered. I live thirty minutes farther from town than he does. If we had gone out, I would have gotten home later than him and had to be at work in town at 0800 the next morning. He would been home more than an hour longer than I would have been so I felt he wimped out on me. The third time he flaked out on me was something coming up this weekend. My family has access to Denver Broncos tickets. I had invited him to go to the game with me this Sunday. He originally said yes and was supposedly excited to join me.  I put in for a vacation day on Monday and it was a date. He was looking for a new job and was lucky to find one pretty quickly BUT when he took the job, he had his start day be this Monday. I do know that maybe there wasn’t a choice BUT usually when you start a job, you can say, I have plans on such and such a day, can I start the next day. I have never had that be a problem when I was hired somewhere. I decided to let it go  but due to having some other problems, I almost had to cancel the trip, I got things worked out and a friend of mine is going with me. Tonight was the last one, He has been out of town for a week. We haven’t seen each other since the 1st. He called me last night and said he wanted to see me before I left town tomorrow. We planned a date for tonight. I think all we were going to do was hang at his place and watch some television and then I would have driven my 30 minutes home to my place to drive to Denver (almost 6 hours) tomorrow. This morning, he texts me and told me that today was going to be too busy for him and he was going to have to cancel. I told him okay but was not a happy woman.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend and I had a girls day. We talked a lot about our kids and their relationships. One of the things that she said that wishes that she could get her kids to realize is that what we see at the beginning is the best it is going to be. If someone is unreliable at the beginning that is not going to get better. I remember thinking then that it was a wise thing for all of us single people to remember. Broncos Fan is a nice man but he is not wanting to make sacrifices or make the time to spend it with me. If it were important to him, he would. I think maybe he was right when he said that we should just be friends. I can enjoy watching football with him but the man that I want to date wants to make time to be with me. I need to let him know this but first, I am heading out of town for a few days.  I deserve a man that puts me first and shows that I am important to him.

The pilot came into town last Friday. I was so excited all day. I was unsure before if he would really like him when we hadn’t been drinking all day. We met at Brewfest and had been tasting beer for hours. I know that I was a bit tipsy and was really enjoying the flirting. I was honestly just looking to get laid that day. I hadn’t had sex in months and he was fun and cute. That didn’t happen but we had fooled around and enjoyed each others company. When he said that he was going to come back to visit me, I was surprised but since he has his own plane, getting here is not as difficult. We chatted a few times during the week but I was still a bit unsure. I was pretty sure that he was going to cancel at the last minute. I have definitely gotten so I have little confidence in men and their words. He texted me the morning of and told me he was on his way. He texted me when he was about halfway here and then again when he was flying above my town. I actually looked up and saw his plane. He took an Uber to town and got a hotel room. I got off work about an hour later and went over. I was a little nervous. I was a lot excited. I came in, we chatted a bit and discussed our plans for the weekend. I have a shop local coupon book so we decided to use some of those when he was in town. We discussed payments for the date. He said that he was taking me out so for me not to worry about it. He was leaving Sunday morning so we had from 5pm Friday until 8am Sunday for our first date. He wanted to go somewhere nice so I chose the Seafood/Steak place in town. I cleaned up after my busy day walking, put on my sexy red dress and we went out. Dinner was great. We had nice appetizers and I had salmon and he had trout for dinner. We both had a drink. After dinner, we went to another bar in town that I like and had a drink there. We walked around town a little bit. I believe that is all we did that night and went back to the hotel where we chatted a lot and then, of course, we had amazing sex. Oh what a wonderful night this was and it was just the beginning.

I slept so much better than I expected, strange man, strange bed. I woke up so energetic and ready to go. Before he had gotten here, we had discussed going on a hike and soaking at the local hot springs but then he threw a wrench in the plans. I had planned a fairly long hike but he wanted to take me up in his plane. I had only been in a small prop plane once in my life and did not like it. It was back in 1987 on a flight from here to Denver. Sitting in the back, tiny windows, bouncing around, it was NOT fun. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to go up but I figured that I would give it a try. I love a challenge. I love adventure. He asked if I thought I could eat first so we went out to a local place and had a great breakfast and headed out to the airport. His plane is a little four seater similar to this one. Grumman-American AA-5 Traveler [1974] N7107L-L

He went through the entire preflight check and showed me everything that he was doing. He had me get in and we were off. I was surprisingly not scared. We were up for about an hour. We started off flying out to my house so I could show him where I lived. I think he was surprised how out in the boonies I live. After that, he took my hand, put it on the controls and had me fly the plane. I was so excited. I had no idea he was taking pictures at first but I am so glad that he did. I had no idea that flying a plane was appealing to me. After about an hour and flying over my house and my town and county, we headed back to the airport.6I had to choose a new hike as the one I had chosen was a long hike and by this time, it was too late to start a long hike and still have soaking time. We chose a short in town hike that takes you to a view to look at the town in a different aspect than from the plane. After that, we headed off to the hot springs. I had been given a couple of free passes and I thought that would be a good way to use them. We spent a couple of hours soaking and talking until I realized that I was hungry. We went to one of my favorite places in town and had a couple of tacos. After changing clothes and getting cleaned up, we went back out on the town. I had a couple of “buy one pint, get one free” from a couple of places so we went to them and then to the distillery and had a drink and watched the live music there. It was so comfortable with him and such a wonderful weekend. Sunday morning came way too soon as he wanted to take off in the calm morning. I have no idea when I am going to see him again but cannot wait. So much for just a hook-up.

So much has happened since my last post. Two weekends ago, I had a date with Broncos fan. We went to a bar after work and had a couple of drinks and then went back to his place. We fooled around a bit but talked more than anything.  Eventually, he asked me to be his girl but I told him no. It had been less than a week since he told me that he wasn’t sure he wanted to date. He is not ready and I am not ready for a commitment with anyone.  We went to his bed to watch a film in bed but we couldn’t find anything on the tv that we wanted to watch. He had me roll over and gave me a massage until I fell asleep. We were supposed to go hiking the next day but when we woke up, it was cloudy and raining. He had an errand to run and afterwards, we decided since the weather wasn’t conducive to hiking, we stayed in and watched films all day. We had a nice relaxing day. We did eventually have sex but, unfortunately, I am not thrilled with a few things about him physically. One, he  is very hairy. I honestly do not know if I can get used to that. He also wears a semi-permanent hair piece that feels weird to touch. I think I would rather have a bald man than one with obvious lines that you feel when you touch their hair. He is sweet and we never run out of things to say but he has shown himself to be a bit fickle and unreliable. He has flaked out three times in the one month since we went on our first date.  He is also a perfect gentleman, holds doors, walks on the street side, and stands when I enter a room. He makes me laugh. He has made three CD’s for me of music that he wanted to share with me. He gave me a couple Broncos things that I will treasure. He talks too much and interrupts often but he does seem to care about how I feel about things and when I pointed out that he interrupts a bit, he has consciously tried to be aware of it. He has been out of town for a week. We have texted a bit but he was learning his new job and I was busy over the weekend and at work this week so we haven’t talked much. We might be able to  get together before I leave town Saturday, depending on wen he gets back. I am real glad that he flaked out on me quickly as it has made me take this one real slow and not rush things. I am going in with my eyes open. Next…..the date with the Pilot.

When I was talking to Broncos Fan the other day, he was asking a little bit about my dating history. I have noticed that often times men do this. I am not sure why. I eventually want to know if they understand why previous relationships have failed but I do not want to know who they have dated, how many they have slept with or any details like that. I want to know if they have learned from their mistakes or if they only blame the ex for the break ups (red flag). If I meet an ex of theirs, I assume that they at least tried to have sex. I don’t need to know details. I don’t care how many women they have slept with as long as it was consensual and not cheating on someone else. I wonder if most men feel the same way. I will admit that I have had sex with more than the average woman has. Before I was married, it was how I was looking for love. I had horrible self esteem and thought it was the only way a man would ever love me. In turn, I often felt used and ended up feeling worse about myself. I didn’t enjoy sex. I thought it was gross. I was raised Catholic. Sex was something you had to do with your husband to have kids but you aren’t supposed to enjoy it. I never did. I was a prude. I had sex to be loved but I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t play. I didn’t do much, definitely not blow jobs.

I got married and had an okay sex life at the beginning but then he got heavy and quit taking care of himself. He could go days without brushing his teeth and even with hard sweaty labor, rarely took a shower on the weekends. Now sex was not only a gross chore but it was with someone gross. Our sex life became nil. I remember crying myself to sleep after sex many times as I felt so empty afterwords. I felt from early in our marriage that he didn’t care who he was with as long as he was getting sex. By the time we got divorced, I never thought I would have sex again and didn’t care. I eventually had sex about six months later. It was fun but I still had my hangups about sex but then I met BFF/ex-bf.

He was clean, he was fun. I still think that he is sexy as hell and sex was GREAT. Funny thing about it is, as a typical over 50 man, things didn’t always work but it was always wonderful and fun. I learned that sex is fun and can be enjoyable for both parties. It is not just a chore. I learned that there are men that really enjoy pleasing the woman. My standards went up and now I love sex. I felt sexy and beautiful for the first time in my life, even while naked.

I am definitely not a prude and I am not going to go without if I am not with anyone. Does a man really want to know who I have slept with or how many? I am brutally honest. I am not going to lie about it so if they ask me, I will answer truthfully. I am not ashamed of my sexuality. It took me to almost fifty before I learned to enjoy one of the most natural things we mammals get to experience. Broncos fan asked a couple of things and I answered truthfully. I don’t even remember what it was but he jokingly said I was a slut. I said, “Yes, I know.” He stopped and said that he didn’t want me to be a slut. I wonder if he will be able to handle the truth if he keeps asking things. I won’t lie or hide things from him but I am also not going to volunteer everything. I told him not to ask anything he doesn’t want to know the answer to.

After the coffee/walk date on Sunday, Bronco fan texted me and told me that he had reservations about kissing me as he wasn’t sure what it meant. I texted him back and told him that it didn’t mean anything more than he liked me and is attracted to me. I told him that it didn’t change anything or any expectations and that I wanted to kiss him, too. We agreed to hang out and take it slowly.  Last night was really nice. I went to his place after work and he had made a dinner for us. We watched a show from ESPN on YouTube about John Elway and just chilled and talked while we ate.  After dinner, we started talking, cuddling and making out. As horny as I am, I am not pushing sex with him. If he struggles with what a kiss means, I can only imagine what sex would do to his confusion. I do not need him either running away because we have sex or declaring his love already. He is apt to do either. I always have an overnight bag in my car as I live 30 minutes from town. If I need to crash in town for some reason, I am always prepared but he doesn’t know that yet. I actually wouldn’t have minded just sleeping at his place last night as I got home real late and am very tired today but it is probably best.

We did make out a lot and discussed a bit about previous dating. I saw a tab on his PC open with Zoosk when he was setting up the show so that opened up conversation. I shared things that he asked but also told him that I will not lie to him so do not ask anything he doesn’t want the answer to. I won’t overshare either. I have gone on a lot of  first dates since my divorce, fewer second dates, have had a few short flings, one boyfriend, and a couple FWB. If he wants to know these things, he will be told honestly but I do not think I need to share voluntarily at this time.

I teased him a bit about being okay with kissing me. He said he changed his mind and that he was being the “girl” in our relationship. I quickly reminded him that there is no relationship at this time. We actually discussed a little about no commitment and no expectations. I am not ready to make a commitment to him and I mentioned to him about someone else asking me out on Monday. He said that it was okay and I told him he could do the same.

We are making plans for this weekend. I am not sure what but I do really enjoy being with him. There are things that I am not sure wouldn’t drive me crazy long term. We will see. He is a non-stop talker. I am not used to that but he is so kind, polite, and gentle. He is a good man and I forgive him for what he did on my birthday. He is just not sure what he wants and that enabled me to slow down and not screw up either.

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