life


I am a firm believer in preventive medicine. I get my teeth cleaned twice a year. I get a physical annually. I get my mammogram per protocol. I even have an echo-cardiogram every few years to monitor my heart murmur. I take meds for my murmur faithfully and do what modern medicine shows I should do. I also eat well, exercise, get good sleep. Because of this, I missed work today and again tomorrow as I am now fifty. It is time for my first colonoscopy.

When I called to make the appointment, I figured I would miss one day of work and then I found out that I would be on a LIQUID diet for the entire day prior. With someone that needs to eat about 2000 on a non-active day, this was going to be a long day. I usually eat breakfast at 6 am and then have a protein smoothie an hour later on the way to work. I then eat at my break around 10ish, lunch at noon, snack at 3ish, then dinner and snack before bed. I am lucky if I eat enough calories according to My Fitness Pal. I knew there was no way I would be able to walk miles today without eating so I took today off. The day has been long and I am quite hungry but I am glad I am doing this. Tomorrow morning, I go in for the procedure and then I can eat again. If everything goes well, I won’t have to do this for ten years.

I encourage all of you to take your health into your hands and do the tests that are recommended. I have had several friends die from cancer but I also have had several friends become survivors due to catching it early.

#fuckcancer

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A few years ago, I realized that I needed to find a way to budget my money better. I was making my bills but at times was sinking. After a divorce from a man that made three times what I make, trying to maintain the same house is very difficult. Very few of the expenses have gone down. Electric a little, food is the most. Propane probably but not significantly. Water is a well so that didn’t change. Then I had car trouble that cost me  a couple of thousand and the ex reneged on paying for auto insurance for our son so I had to pay that. I started drowning and started looking for a program to help me budget. I had used money software before but it didn’t help with budgeting, just tracking. I felt I needed more than that so did an online search. I found YNAB also known as You Need A Budget. I found a few others but the reviews on this one were very good. I signed up for my thirty day trial and have never looked back. I am still struggling but at least I have a plan and I know where my money is supposed to go. The web site has many online classes to help you get your finances in order and four basic rules.

  1. Give every dollar a job.
  2. Embrace your true expenses.
  3. Roll with the punches.
  4. Age your money.

I love these rules. No other budget program that I have looked at has ever had anything besides tracking money. These rules work and make life so much less stressful. I may not have aged my money enough to be relaxed about things but it is getting better and since I know where every dollar is going, it is so much easier to plan.

Rule number one is exactly what it says. You get paid, you plan where it is going to be spent. You not plan money until you have it.

Rule number two helps you plan ahead for the big expenses so you don’t have “sticker shock” when the bills arrive or Christmas comes or whatever your expenses are.

Rule number three is to be flexible. It gives you permission to move money from a category that you didn’t use all the funds and put it in a category that needs more.

Rule number four will get you out of the paycheck to paycheck cycle. If your money is over thirty days old, you are spending last months money for this months expenses. It sure helps if you run into a problem.

I love YNAB. My eldest daughter loves it and a friend of mine uses it for her business, too. Working on the budget is actually not something I dread anymore. I look forward to getting more money so I can do step one with it, not spend it. I haven’t bounced a check since I started using this. I no longer make the mistakes or oversights. I know longer dread paying bills as I know the money  is there.

I am sharing this here because I believe in the product and if someone signs up with my referral link, I actually get a free month. Does anyone else already use YNAB? Do you have success stories? This is helping me get out of debt and stop stressing about money. That alone makes it worth it.

Last weekend, I went on a short ice cream date when I went to visit my son. My son was at an event so I figured I would do something. The guy talked about how much he hated various things and ended up making a very racist remark to me and then told me how he is not racist. I left that “date” once again wondering why I even bother anymore. I love my life. Most of the time I am not lonely. Do I really want to bring someone into my life that is going to take my time away from the things that are important to me? From what I have seen since I started dating it most men want to change us into who they want us to be. I am not “good enough” for them for whatever reason OR they are not right for me. I keep meeting men that are religious (even though I am very clear that I won’t date a religious man), crude,  or needy. Is it so much to ask to find a man that is non-religious. We are now a large part of the community. Is it so much to ask to find a man that can speak in proper English (most of the time), reads books, listens to music, is athletic and takes care of himself and cares for humanity? He doesn’t have to match me 100% but there are some things that are very important to me. I want him to have teeth. I want him to be well kept. I don’t want to be with a fat man that does not take care of himself. I walk almost ten miles a day for work. I also do karate 2 times a week. I hike on weekends. I kayak, I love football. I do drink but can have fun without it. I ski. I don’t want a partner that wants to sit on his ass and watch TV all the time, though I do love to watch television and movies. I read a lot. I would love to have someone to share books and discuss books with. I am very liberal so a Trump supporter does not fit in my life but many of them ask me out because I am cute. I am fifty years old but don’t look it. I am about 120 pounds trying to gain muscle mass but I want more than a physical relationship. I want to be physically attracted to my partner. It would be great to find someone to go to Comic Con with, as well as brew fests, film festivals, and wine festivals. I have gotten so I am comfortable going by myself. Is that a good or bad thing. I am finding that the longer that I am single and alone, the less tolerant I am of partner issues. Last weekend, my mom and daughter also came to visit my son. We had four of us trying to decide where to eat. I am so used to making decisions without anyone’s input anymore. I was really having a hard time with the indecision. Finally I just said that I didn’t care where I went. I would have a beer at one place and a margarita at the other. That was when my mom finally put in an opinion. For breakfast the next day, I just made a decision. Will I ever be able to let someone completely into my life again? One of my concerns with men I meet are ones that have never been in a long relationship because I am afraid that they will not be able to handle the changes of one. Am I becoming that person? Am I doomed to be my mother and single the rest of my life? I love who I am and how I am growing in independence daily but it scares me, also. There are days or moments that I am lonely sometimes lonely as hell. Days that I just want someone to love me. Today is one of them. Here is it Mother’s Day and I am all alone. I have three great kids but they are grown. I am no longer the focus of their lives, as it should be. The oldest had the morning with her boyfriend and is at home 300 miles away right now. The middle one that lives with me had to work today. The youngest hasn’t come home for the summer from college yet.  I have spent the day doing chores in my house but not as much as I should have. Most of the day has been spent paying bills and watching Shanarrah Chronicles. I started drinking margarita’s a drink ago. It would have been nice to not be alone today. Tomorrow is a quiet day but then Tuesday through Thursday, I go non-stop. I get up, go to work, and eat all day. After work, I either have my karate class or my atheist meeting. By Friday, I am usually exhausted so if I have no plans that night, I am actually usually relieved but going out for an hour or two after work is not a terrible thing. Saturday is my errand day if I stay in town. I also take an hour or two to sit at Starbucks with a coffee, a book, and my pup (outside patio). I really enjoy my Saturdays. Sometimes, I go on a hike or something like that instead.

I think I am just needing to accept being alone.It is so much easier and there are so many frogs out there. I haven’t found anyone worth my time in almost a year and he ghosted me after four weeks of telling me how much he liked me. I am not sure it is worth the risk and pain anymore. I can take care of myself. Financially is a struggle but it is getting better.  I refuse to let loneliness take over my life so I will stay busy and active. If someone decent enters my life, I hope I can accept him in.

Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest TrailWild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I did very much enjoy this book. After reading many of the reviews, I can see where the negative comments came from but I do disagree with them in many ways. After her mother died, it appears that she got depressed. That is how I can see why she threw away a good marriage and lost. She was lost. Yes, her deciding to hike the PCT alone with no experience was not a smart thing to do. She was very lucky that she ran into so many kind hearted people. To me, that shows how most people are good after all. She made many mistakes and was very lucky. Yes, she got off the trail many times but only bypassed in a few areas. She stuck with it though she was unprepared. I respect that she kept going with an overweight backpack, lack of supplies, and lots of pain. The critics need to remember that she was so young when this happened. We aren’t the smartest at that age. She learned a lot about herself and grew a lot on her journey. I don’t know what has happened to her since but I hope that she has found happiness and continued to grow in strength and confidence.

View all my reviews

This is a real good Ted Talk on masculinity and being a man in today’s world. He talks about being sensitive as a man and how men are taught to reject the feminine side of themselves. He talks about how men won’t ask for help or talk about real things with their friends. This message is to men and women. Please watch.

My name is Wil Wheaton. I live with Chronic Depression, and I am not ashamed

I am so heart broken today. We had a local twelve year old die from suicide last night. I know nothing about this boy. I do not know his family but we have friends in common. That is all not relative to my feelings. As someone that has battled depression off and on for close to forty years, I know how dark a place you have to be to take this step. I have almost been there a few times. I have worked on a plan many times. Today, I am glad that I never have made that decision but this suicide got me thinking about TWELVE.

Wow, TWELVE years old.  How does a child of such a young age reach this point?

I was thinking about myself at twelve. I hadn’t been depressed yet. My parents had separated and gotten back together. My older sister told me how my dad had cheated on my mom and she is the one that discovered  it. My dad was drunk most of the time. I didn’t feel he loved me. I felt betrayed by my dad and so angry at what he had done to my mom. I actually was angry at my mom for taking him back. We moved again back to the states and I returned to a school I had been at previously but it was a civilian school and I was a brat. I was extremely naive and sheltered in many ways and felt that I didn’t fit in. My former friends had matured and I was still so YOUNG.  My self-esteem was dropping tremendously. I was put in a back brace for my scoliosis which was embarrassing and uncomfortable. I was tiny. I was uncoordinated.  I was DIFFERENT but I was not depressed YET. This was in 1979. Times have changed.

Today’s kids have no escape from all these things at home. They are lucky enough to have the internet. In so many ways, it enriches our lives but the isolation can be so much worse now. I cannot imagine how I would have felt seeing photos of parties I wasn’t invited to all the time, possibly the bullying online, the boy I liked with the girl in the class. These things never go away. The experts state that cyber bullying is one of the reasons that death by suicide is rising among younger children. Add to that if the child is even more different. The child is gay or wondering if he is gay or trans or another member of the LBGTQ community. The child is doubting the religion of the family/community.  Coming out of the closet as a LBGTQ or even an atheist can be very difficult and scary.

We as adults need to learn to ask the kids in our lives are okay and truly listen. We need to not brush off their concerns and fears with “that doesn’t really matter.’ We  need to quit thinking and saying things like, what do they have to be depressed about? No, children, for the most part, do not have to worry about bills and other adult issues but their issues are real to them and are just as upsetting to them as ours are to us.

Right now, there are a few things that some parents are bringing to the school board in my town about LBGTQ and religious rights. I am not saying that this is the reason that this particular boy died by suicide as I do not know where his mind was. Only he knows, unless he left a note, why he made this ultimate decision. I hope for the survivors that it had nothing to do with these things as some of them were behind this school board issue. There is enough guilt for survivors as it is. I wish I could go back 24  hours and take this boy aside and tell him that it will get better and get him the help and support he needed. Unfortunately, none of us can do that and our small town has to deal with another young child death as well as another suicide.

Facts about suicidal thoughts in children

Suicides under 13

If you are thinking about suicide PLEASE reach out. I promise, it will get better.  If you suspect someone might be in crisis, reach out. People don’t say it unless they have thought it. You don’t want t be a survivor. Be a rescuer instead.

Suicide prevention

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