kindness


Last weekend, I went on a short ice cream date when I went to visit my son. My son was at an event so I figured I would do something. The guy talked about how much he hated various things and ended up making a very racist remark to me and then told me how he is not racist. I left that “date” once again wondering why I even bother anymore. I love my life. Most of the time I am not lonely. Do I really want to bring someone into my life that is going to take my time away from the things that are important to me? From what I have seen since I started dating it most men want to change us into who they want us to be. I am not “good enough” for them for whatever reason OR they are not right for me. I keep meeting men that are religious (even though I am very clear that I won’t date a religious man), crude,  or needy. Is it so much to ask to find a man that is non-religious. We are now a large part of the community. Is it so much to ask to find a man that can speak in proper English (most of the time), reads books, listens to music, is athletic and takes care of himself and cares for humanity? He doesn’t have to match me 100% but there are some things that are very important to me. I want him to have teeth. I want him to be well kept. I don’t want to be with a fat man that does not take care of himself. I walk almost ten miles a day for work. I also do karate 2 times a week. I hike on weekends. I kayak, I love football. I do drink but can have fun without it. I ski. I don’t want a partner that wants to sit on his ass and watch TV all the time, though I do love to watch television and movies. I read a lot. I would love to have someone to share books and discuss books with. I am very liberal so a Trump supporter does not fit in my life but many of them ask me out because I am cute. I am fifty years old but don’t look it. I am about 120 pounds trying to gain muscle mass but I want more than a physical relationship. I want to be physically attracted to my partner. It would be great to find someone to go to Comic Con with, as well as brew fests, film festivals, and wine festivals. I have gotten so I am comfortable going by myself. Is that a good or bad thing. I am finding that the longer that I am single and alone, the less tolerant I am of partner issues. Last weekend, my mom and daughter also came to visit my son. We had four of us trying to decide where to eat. I am so used to making decisions without anyone’s input anymore. I was really having a hard time with the indecision. Finally I just said that I didn’t care where I went. I would have a beer at one place and a margarita at the other. That was when my mom finally put in an opinion. For breakfast the next day, I just made a decision. Will I ever be able to let someone completely into my life again? One of my concerns with men I meet are ones that have never been in a long relationship because I am afraid that they will not be able to handle the changes of one. Am I becoming that person? Am I doomed to be my mother and single the rest of my life? I love who I am and how I am growing in independence daily but it scares me, also. There are days or moments that I am lonely sometimes lonely as hell. Days that I just want someone to love me. Today is one of them. Here is it Mother’s Day and I am all alone. I have three great kids but they are grown. I am no longer the focus of their lives, as it should be. The oldest had the morning with her boyfriend and is at home 300 miles away right now. The middle one that lives with me had to work today. The youngest hasn’t come home for the summer from college yet.  I have spent the day doing chores in my house but not as much as I should have. Most of the day has been spent paying bills and watching Shanarrah Chronicles. I started drinking margarita’s a drink ago. It would have been nice to not be alone today. Tomorrow is a quiet day but then Tuesday through Thursday, I go non-stop. I get up, go to work, and eat all day. After work, I either have my karate class or my atheist meeting. By Friday, I am usually exhausted so if I have no plans that night, I am actually usually relieved but going out for an hour or two after work is not a terrible thing. Saturday is my errand day if I stay in town. I also take an hour or two to sit at Starbucks with a coffee, a book, and my pup (outside patio). I really enjoy my Saturdays. Sometimes, I go on a hike or something like that instead.

I think I am just needing to accept being alone.It is so much easier and there are so many frogs out there. I haven’t found anyone worth my time in almost a year and he ghosted me after four weeks of telling me how much he liked me. I am not sure it is worth the risk and pain anymore. I can take care of myself. Financially is a struggle but it is getting better.  I refuse to let loneliness take over my life so I will stay busy and active. If someone decent enters my life, I hope I can accept him in.

Advertisements

This is a real good Ted Talk on masculinity and being a man in today’s world. He talks about being sensitive as a man and how men are taught to reject the feminine side of themselves. He talks about how men won’t ask for help or talk about real things with their friends. This message is to men and women. Please watch.

We never know when an act of kindness can be real important to someone. My middle child taught me this years ago. She randomly compliments people all the time. One day, I had a friend tell me that she had met my kiddo at the movie theater the night before. My kid worked there at the time. My kiddo complimented her and Nikki so appreciated it. I don’t remember what the compliment was but I am sure Nikki does. After that, I try to do the same with people all the time. With my job, I see so many people every day. It is not uncommon for me to tell someone that they have a great smile, nice shoes, nice hair or something along those lines. The people always perk up when I do this but sometimes, it comes back to me.

Today, I had a gal stop me and say my name, which is not a common name. She reminded me that a while ago, on her birthday, I had written her a ticket and she came out right afterwards. We have a policy that if we choose to, we can call in and request a warning for someone. They are allowed one per calendar year. She was nice at the time so I did this for her. When they were checking her account, she let me know that it was her birthday. When she was telling me this, it came back to me. It was several weeks ago. I told her that I was hoping that I could dismiss it for her for her birthday. I knew that there was something else to the story but I didn’t remember what. She reminded me how she is also going through a divorce. I did what I always do. I gave support. I asked her if she had a good support system. I told her that if she needed to talk to find me at work. We are a small town. I don’t remember all the conversation from a few weeks ago but we continued it today. She told me how much my kindness that day helped. She was having a hard time. First birthday separated is hard for sure. She told me how she tells everyone about my kindness and thanked me for being there for her. We chatted a few minutes about things and then went about our days. I went back to patrolling and almost cried. I am so glad that I was able to cheer her day and give her hope. I love my job in that I can do that. Yes, I write tickets but in the time of my work day it is such a small part. I do things like this more often. It also made me remember how the kindness of others helped me five years ago when I was going through my divorce. We need to remember to be kind to people. We never know what is going on in their lives. A small gesture that means nothing to us, can mean the world to them.

WOW what a great inspirational film about second chances.

I watched this yesterday morning at the Durango Independent Film Festival. This judge has done amazing things to help change people’s lives. He starts out talking about how difficult it is on a person to sentence people to life in prison over and over again. He started this running group of addicts and ex-cons and homeless people. They run marathons around the world as the people rebuild their lives and self esteem.

I love how the judge says that one bad moment does not define who a person is. It made me think of my friend, the ex-con. He will always be a what if for me. If his parole hadn’t taken him across state lines, what would have happened with us? We still talk regularly and I know he is not the man that did the awful thing he did. He and I have been friends now for 2 years. He has thanked me a couple of times for giving him a chance and is glad I was his first friend post-prison.

I also have friends and family that are addicts. I love when people can have second chances and succeed. I admire this judge for doing what he does and wish all his runners the best of luck.

#skidrowmarathon #second chances

I feel that I have hardly stopped since Snowdown. Last week was a recovery week and I was so tired and last weekend was catch up  at home. I have had a lot going on and have hardly had any down time at home. I hate when I have blog posts running through my head all day and I can’t get them down. I am going to try and get to some of the ones I have thought of the past couple of weeks. My big one was Valentine’s Day. It has never been my favorite “holiday” but I still always would have liked acknowledgement. Before marriage, it seemed I was always single on Valentine’s Day. Too often, a boy/man would break up with me just prior. During my marriage, I learned that the ex was not romantic at all. I would have been happy with a nice dinner, a flower or bouquet, anything even remotely romantic. He didn’t give flowers often because HIS MOM didn’t like getting flowers. I LOVE getting flowers and he knew this.  Occasionally, I would get a card or something but I learned to not expect us to do anything romantic for anything. I would suggest weekends away, even to somewhat local places so we could save money. I would suggest things all the time and he poo-pooed them all the time. The last few years of the marriage, it, of course, got worse. Six years before the divorce, our middle child was given a dozen roses at school by a boy that liked her. They were not dating. They were beautiful and I was so happy for her. We put them  in a vase and had them prominently on display. A few hours later, the ex came in, threw a single rose on the table and said, “here is your VD flower.” Wow. I just wanted to cry and shove it up his ass.

He filed for divorce on January 14th and here in Colorado, your first court date is one month later. Yep, I went to divorce court for a divorce I didn’t want on VALENTINE’S DAY. I still cannot believe they do that. There are some days that divorce court should not happen. I was a mess. I had a severe anxiety attack. The people in the courthouse sent me to Adult Protective Services downstairs to make sure I was okay. It was terrible.

Since then, I have tried to not let that day completely ruin Valentine’s for me. I could find a romantic man that enjoys doing things for his gal. My first one single was great. A guy I was dating and I went skiing and he reserved a table for us at the restaurant at the top of the mountain. I had no idea. He knew that I was having a hard time and he was so sweet. He and I were not ready for a relationship at the time. We were both the first dates after 20+ year marriages. We were good for each other and he helped me a lot. I hope I helped him. The following two years I was dating ex/bf bff and R. Exbff and  I went on a cruise right afterwards and R and I had a great date. They both gavve me flowers. Last year I was single but still received flowers from someone that was interested. I don’t know why but this year hit me hard. I was single and feeling very alone. Maybe because there have been no prospects since ice cream man. I have no idea. For the most part, I have been doing well but the days leading up to and on Valentine’s Day last week, I was getting grouchier and moodier. I cried a lot and just wanted someone to hold me. I had someone tell me to just ignore it but when yo are walking up and down main street with every window having ads for Valentines, every radio station, TV station ad is about love, it is hard to ignore. The person that told me this is basically a hermit.  I was so ready for the day to be over. I got off work and went to my car and see R drive up. He gets out of his car and tells me that he failed. He was holding a bouquet of flowers that he was going to put on my car anonymously.  He told me that he knew it was a hard day for me. I just wanted to cry. The man says there is something missing in our relationship and that is why we aren’t dating but it is obvious that he really cares for me. Why won’t he accept my heart? I would give it willingly. Oh well, he made my day better and I do know that he loves me, just not enough.

Keep Moving: And Other Truths About Living Well LongerKeep Moving: And Other Truths About Living Well Longer by Dick Van Dyke

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

For once, I am really glad I listened to a book instead of read it. This felt like sitting down with Dick Van Dyke and having him share stories and insights with me. All my life I have enjoyed talking to older people and hearing their stories and having one of my favorites do it was awesome. ‘He talked about so many things in this book. He talks about his family and friends. He talks about politics and religion. He talks about aging and mostly, he spoke about love. He made me laugh and he made me cry. I loved how he spoke about his wives, all three of them. He has been a lucky man to have found the “love of his life” more than once. I loved the part when he was talking about his dog and his current wife. I could see his wife slowly falling for the dog and becoming his greatest defender. I loved hearing him talk about his brother Jerry. I could have listened for many more chapters.

I highly recommend this book to anyone. There were great things about every chapter.

View all my reviews

Things I Overheard While Talking to MyselfThings I Overheard While Talking to Myself by Alan Alda
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Oh my goodness, I LOVED this book. I could enjoy another 200 pages of things he learned. There is so much to think about in this book. There were things that made me laugh out loud and things that made me cry. This book is a series of speeches that he has given and him talking about them. I highly recommend this book and think we can all get things from his insight.

View all my reviews

Next Page »