kindness


I get asked on a regular basis how awful my job is. People are always surprised when I tell them that it is actually a great job. There are so many reasons that I love my job. I get paid to walk around my favorite town in the world and I get paid to exercise. I walk about ten miles a day. I get to meet so many interesting people. I get to pet dogs all the time. I know everything that is going on in my town. There are so many things that I love about my job. I cannot put them all down as I am always thinking of more. One thing that is consistently wonderful is seeing random acts of kindness.

Yesterday, I had a incident that is not all that uncommon but I am going to share this particular one. I had started to write a ticket on a truck that was obviously a tourist. This man and woman are walking down the street. When they get past me and see the truck I am writing the ticket for, the guy asks very nicely if he can save that guy from a ticket. I tell him yes and thank you and that I love seeing these things. A while later, I am in the same location, I start to write a ticket at the car next to the original truck when they come out to leave. They talk to me a bit and I tell them that someone had paid their meter earlier when I was writing them a ticket. She immediately asks if she can save the car that I am working on to pay it forward. Of course, I said yes and I felt so good.

In this world of so much bad news every day, I see these small things every day. It gives me hope in human beings and definitely can improve my mood if I am not in a great one.

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That surprise ending the other night might become a surprise beginning. I am so glad that I broke out of my comfort zone. Just a week ago, I was saying that I didn’t have time to date. There were no good men left at least ones that were compatible for me and then BAM!! Just like in Bambi, I am walking around minding my own business, I walk into a handsome face and am twitterpated. Okay, not that blatant or strong of feelings yet but for the first time in a LONG time, I feel that I may have actually found someone that is worth considering giving some time to. I am talking about the cute guy at the bar the other day.

We met for ice cream yesterday at 3ish, per his text. I am a very punctual person so i took that at three, I got to town early, ran an errand, sat in my car for a few minutes as I didn’t want to get there too early but I am a ten minute early or you are late girl. I get out of my car at about ten till and he is crossing the street to get there. He is PUNCTUAL. We had our ice cream and I told him that I had a movie date with a friend to see IT last night so was going to be in town alone until about 8:30 but no plans until then. We talked, we walked, we decided to have dinner and walk and talk some more.  We laughed, we had not awkward moments of silence. We joked. We learned that we have so much in common. He was a perfect gentleman and never even touched me. I was actually a little disappointed a couple of times that he didn’t hold my hand. He had plenty of opportunities. We ended up sitting on a bench for the last thirty minutes together listening to some music at the distillery across the street. He kept asking how much time until I had to meet my friend. I let him know that I didn’t expect him to occupy my time until then and that I always have a book if I have to wait for someone. He wanted to stay with me. The time came to leave, five hours after we met, and he walked me to my car. He gave me a great hug. He just held me so tight. It was really nice. He whispered asking if I would like to see him again. I told him yes and asked him if he wanted to see me again. When we were hugging, I realized that he is pretty tall and pulled back to ask him how tall (6’1″) and he kissed me. WOW. That was amazing. He pulled away and said, on that note, goodnight.

I have hardly been able to keep him off my mind. He is new to the area. Actually had housing with the summer job that brought him here and is looking for a place to live right now. He just started working for the city a few weeks ago and wants to stay here. I sure hope he does. I think this guy has potential. We talked about so many things and some were pretty important. He is a year older than I am but I thought he was probably about 5 years younger. He also thought I was younger. He is physically fit, funny, kind. We have the same basic values. We have not set up a second date yet but I sure look forward to it. I have a crush on him.

I had such a great birthday. The celebration culminated last night and now it is time to recover. The actual day was fabulous. I went to town and got my hair done. I like getting highlights and hadn’t done so in a long time to decided to spoil myself. Got a nice cut and felt beautiful. Afterwards, I went to Starbucks to get a coffee and read a bit when one of my friends that was joining me for dinner texted me. She had gotten into town early, too, and needed to blow time. We live in the adjoining town about 25 miles away. She joined me for coffee and then we went to Ex-bf/bff house for me to finish getting ready. The  fun was ready to begin.

We headed back into town to meet the rest at the restaurant. We get seated and are waiting for the rest of the group to show up when an older couple walk in, each carrying a yellow rose. They come over to me, wish me a happy birthday and hand me the roses. I had no idea who they were. Then someone else came in with a rose, then another. Eventually, I realized that my friend and his girlfriend (she had stayed outside) were doing this. I ended up getting 50 flowers delivered to me by random strangers on the street. I had not expected (nor really wanted gifts) but everyone brought something. Ex-bff gave me a backpacking tent. R came and brought me a bottle of one of my favorite wines. My girlfriends gave me a journal, candle, travel mug, and a flask filled with rum. My kiddo came in after work and brought in a Baskin Robbins cake. The crew paid for my dinner (also not expected) and then we all had cake. I was real surprised to have a friend that moved away show up unexpected. She was in town and did some stalking to find out where I was. I felt so loved. I realized that I will never be alone here. I have family that are not related. Next time that I feel down or lonely, I know that I can call each of those people and probably others. After dinner, most went home but four of us went out on the town. We hit a few bars and the pool hall.

The next day, I went to Ex-bf house and we went down the river in our duckies. I will admit that we did fool around a bit. I was tired and took a nap and he joined me. He wanted to give me the physical attention for my birthday, too. I fell in love with him on my birthday three years ago. I did realize that I am truly over him though. My romantic feelings aren’t there for him at this point. I do still love him and wouldn’t mind if we found our way back to each other but I realize that until HE is emotionally healthy that I do not want him.  That was very eye opening for me.

I have continued to celebrate all week. My mom and sister came down to bring my nephew his things and we had a great time together. We even ended up at the same restaurant one night and the bartenders had ice cream brought out to me and everyone sang to me. If this past week is any indication, this year will be a great one. A big part of that is my attitude. I love that I am finally comfortable alone. I keep turning down dates because I have something else I would rather do. I have come a long way in four years. My divorce was final August 23, 2013 so I also celebrate my Freedom day during my birthday every year now.

My life has been super crazy the past few weeks. I have a lot to share and blog about but right now my focus is my birthday. I turn 50 on Saturday. I don’t know why we focus so much on decades but we do. I have been thinking a lot about the last ten years. Ten years ago was one of the most difficult of my life. We had the year of the deaths and it was when my marriage really started falling apart. I got depressed again and really had no motivation to live. I changed jobs thinking it would help my marriage. It didn’t. I started drinking very heavily and was not sure if I wanted to go forward. My children did throw me a great birthday party for my fortieth. It is a great memory. They threw me a massive surprise party. I had friends and family from all over the country surprise me here at my house. We had a band, food, and overall a great time. That was my last good birthday as a married woman. My ex-husband was never much about celebrating birthdays so there were only a few even decent ones while I was married.

I now look back at the past ten years and remember all the heartbreak I had when my marriage dissolved and several more people dying that I cared about. It has been rough in many ways but, in others, it has been great. I now look back at my divorce as one of the best things that ever happened to me. It took me a long time to realize that but I sure have. Since the divorce, I have grown so much. I am now stronger and healthier and happier than I have been in probably fifteen years. I feel better than in years. I look great. I am stronger and in much better shape than I was ten years ago. I no longer feel like I need someone to take care of me. I find my own solutions to my problems. I have a job that a love, a complete new set of friends, and my kids love me. I am lifting weights again. I no longer have breathing issues or chronic pain. I am sleeping better. I have gotten used to being solo most of the time and it doesn’t bother me. I honestly feel that IF I end up with someone, they will be so lucky to have me. I am actually better emotionally than I ever have been in my life. It took fifty years to get to where I really and truly love myself and am confident and happy.

A couple of weeks ago, I was very sad that my birthday was coming up and I was going to spend it alone but now I am not. I had one girlfriend take the bull by the horns and now several of us are meeting at the local steakhouse. I will get 50% off my meal and then we will hit the town. My ex-bf/ bff is coming as well as several others. I am actually excited for my day again. I won’t be alone to ring in my next decade. I will be with people that love ME for me and accept me for ME. FIFTY is going to be a great year and I am like a fine wine, I am going to keep getting better with age.

Recently I wrote a post about The men in my life  since my divorce. One of the “what ifs” was The raft guide. He and I met on POF almost a year after my divorce. Our first date, he drove out to my town to one of our few bars and we met for drinks. As usual, I was a bit nervous. I hadn’t dated much at this time. I had never hung out at this bar previously. It is a bit of a dive and my ex-husband and I never went out anywhere. I will always remember our first date. Oh my goodness, I laughed so much. I had a great time and could not wait to see him again. We really hit it off. Our next date, we went out to eat and ended up making out in the parking lot a bit. We quickly decided that we needed to be a couple. I actually loved every minute we had together. We would go out at times. We would play on the river. We would cuddle on the couch and rub each others feet. He was very kind and sweet BUT there was an issue. I was so damn insecure. As an avid rafter, he had trips planned before he met me. At the time, I didn’t know how hard it was to get permits for some of these trip. They sometimes are planned a year ahead. I had no idea the protocols. When he got ready and planned for a long trip and didn’t invite me, I was hurt. I didn’t know that part of the permits are who is going. I thought that he just wasn’t that into me. I needed to be the center of his world. I was so damn messed up and clingy. I ended it with him and regretted it almost immediately. We didn’t speak for a long time. He ignored my messages that I would send occasionally. Over three years, I sent maybe a dozen messages, saying hi. There were a few that told him I was sorry that I handled it improperly. One telling him I got a ducky for the river. I apologized to him and knew he would never talk tome again. I was so sad as he was so much FUN. I never stopped missing him.

When I started this job, I would occasionally run into him on the street and we would talk for a few minutes. It was always nice but I still missed really talking to him.  I wanted to be his friend and knew I had probably hurt him. When I signed back up on the dating site, he sent me a message telling me that I really am a good person. We started talking from that moment. I have no idea what the future holds. He says he is not looking for a relationship with anyone at this time but I have the friendship back. We have spent some time together, including paddling down the river this past weekend. It is nice to be hanging out with him again. I wish I had been ready when I had met him and we had taken it slower. Who knows where things would be now. I will never forget his original dating profile. He said he wanted to find someone to grow old with. He said he wanted to be one of those cute little old couples holding hands. That is really what I want, too. I do wonder if I blew it with him but his friendship is more important. He is the kind of man that is a good friend. Only time will tell what will happen here but I am glad he is back in my life. I have missed him a lot in the three years we were not talking.

The year of the divorce (2013) was the second year that Denver had a Comic Con. We had known about it the year before as a friend  of mine had had her photo taken with James Marsters and I was quite jealous but I really never thought that Con was a place for me. I knew it was something my kids  would enjoy and in 2014, when it was announced that Stan Lee was going to be there, I knew I would never be forgiven if I didn’t bring them. I had no desire to attend. I was going through the divorce. I really wanted to hide from the world but bought tickets. We drove over 300 miles to my mom’s in Denver and went to the convention center the next morning. I was sure that I was going to be bored senseless. I brought a book and money for wine. Little did I know that I would love my weekend. I hardly saw my kids and didn’t read at all. I ended up people watching the entire time. I even had a gentleman buy me a glass of wine and we spent a few hours talking. I sure needed that.

This weekend just ended out fifth Con. One child was unable to attend but the three of us that did go had a great time. We have become avid cosplayers and we all have our different things that we like to do at Con. My youngest loves to go to gaming and cosplay panels and hang with friends. I love going to celebrity panels and meeting the various celebrities. My oldest does the same as I do, for the  most part but spends a LOT more money on autographs and photos. I love getting to know that a celebrity that I like is a good person. Occasionally, we find out the opposite. My middle kiddo likes to people watch and meet people. She rarely meets celebrities or even goes to panels.

I am not a person that normally likes crowds but it is so different when you are in a crowd of nerds. It is funny how polite everyone is. Everyone is just enthralled with others creativity. We talk to so many strangers. I love seeing all the different fandoms and have developed a lot of new ones due to Con.When you bump into someone at Con, both of you apologize profusely. You do not hear about fights. You are much more likely to get a random hug than a scowl. Due to Con, I have embraced my nerdiness. I plan on sharing some of my Con experiences here, too. I definitely have some new loves after this year. None that are relationship bound but actors that I will follow after finding out what amazing humans they are. I will share in a later post.

I, once again, am baffled by humans. My friend, the ex-con, dumped me today as a friend. I have no idea what happened. When he first got his parole transfer to Arizona, I figured I would never hear from him again. Not only did I hear from him but he wanted me to come visit. I was in the process of planning a trip when he told me that he had met someone. We texted a few times after that but eventually, he quit texting. I sent him a message yesterday just saying that I hope he was doing well. He responded today yes and please don’t message him again. WOW. I am just baffled. Originally, I was quite hurt. I thought that we were friends. For several months,  I was his only friend outside the halfway house. We had fun together. I felt so comfortable with him. My guess is that the new gal doesn’t want him talking to me. That is fine but he could tell me that. I hate not having closure and not understanding why. I guess this was better than being ghosted. I told him that I would leave his life but would like to know why. I unfriended him and deleted the conversation and his number from my phone. I will never beg someone to stay in my life again and I deserve better than he gave me today. I did tell him that I was hurt before I said goodbye. In the final text, I told him that I had deleted everything and that he ever wanted to talk again that the ball was in his court. I will be surprised if I ever do hear from him. I do wish him well and have missed his friendship. I guess it is over now.   I don’t understand as it takes a LOT for me to dump a friend. There are only a few people in my life that I have ever cut out and I have tried to let them know why.

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