Random thoughts


I was in my second year of college here. I had made many friends over the past couple of years. I was living in a four bedroom house with two guys and another gal. The guys  were like my brothers. I had a rule, no dating housemates. Too complicated if it didn’t work out. For the most part, my housemates and I were very different but, for the most part, we got along real well. We had the scholarly, the bicyclist, the stoner and me, the theater/science nerd. We all lived very separate lives most of the time but sometimes, we would actually hang out together. House parties, movie nights, watch sports on TV, even a theater party here and there. Over all it was a great living situation and I was very happy there. Across the street lived another college guy that we all knew someway or another. He would occasionally hang out with us and sometimes we would hang out at his place.

One night, a couple of my housemates and I were over at this guys house to watch The Fly. It was such a good movie and we thought it would be a good night. For some reason, my roommates went back home for the night. The movie was about over and I wanted to see the end. I had no reason to not trust the guy that lived there. I had hung out with him many times before. I was wrong. Shortly after my roommate left, the guy was on top of me. He had me pinned to the sofa and was trying to convince me to go further. I kept telling him no and he kept going, touching, kissing, groping, touching, kissing. I had no chance of getting away from him and he would not stop no matter how much I told him no. I was scared and couldn’t get away. He was so big and I was at such a disadvantage as I was pinned under him on the sofa in an empty house. He was at least 200 pounds. A BIG guy. At the time, I was barely over 100 pounds and 5’5″ and had no skills for defense. I had never been so happy to hear a knock on the door until that night. One of my roommates came back. I have no idea why but I have been so grateful for it. The guy jumped off of me and I sped home. I did tell my roommate what happened and thanked him so much for coming back. I never spoke to the neighbor again and avoided him the rest of the time I was in school.

I never reported the incident. I only spoke of it to a few people. I knew it would be his word against mine. I didn’t want to go through the hassle or any of the shit that goes with it. I didn’t want to have people say that I shouldn’t have put myself in that position. I didn’t want to hear how it was my fault. I didn’t want my sexual promiscuity to be used against me. I knew I had no proof. My roommate didn’t see anything, he just knew how glad I was to see him and what I told him. I did share with a couple of female friends and found out that he had done the same with a couple of friends of mine but they chose not to report either. Being a reporting female, especially back then was so bad but I do not know if it has gotten any better.

I blocked out so much of the event. I do not remember his name, I just remember that he was a lot bigger than I was. I remember the house. When I drive by it, I always remember it. I don’t remember what he looked like but I remember the layout of the room. I remember the smells. Would I remember his name if I heard it? Would I remember his face if I saw it? I do not know but I do know that it happened. I have shared with very few people in my life. Why share it? It does no good. I often have guilt for not reporting it as I am sure he has done it again but would my coming forward have stopped it or just ruined my life? I am just glad I got away before he raped me and it was “just a sexual assault”. It still traumatized me. It still made me very leery of men and trusting a man when I am getting to know them. I thought he was my friend.

I am Fifty One now.

#metoo

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When I was talking to Broncos Fan the other day, he was asking a little bit about my dating history. I have noticed that often times men do this. I am not sure why. I eventually want to know if they understand why previous relationships have failed but I do not want to know who they have dated, how many they have slept with or any details like that. I want to know if they have learned from their mistakes or if they only blame the ex for the break ups (red flag). If I meet an ex of theirs, I assume that they at least tried to have sex. I don’t need to know details. I don’t care how many women they have slept with as long as it was consensual and not cheating on someone else. I wonder if most men feel the same way. I will admit that I have had sex with more than the average woman has. Before I was married, it was how I was looking for love. I had horrible self esteem and thought it was the only way a man would ever love me. In turn, I often felt used and ended up feeling worse about myself. I didn’t enjoy sex. I thought it was gross. I was raised Catholic. Sex was something you had to do with your husband to have kids but you aren’t supposed to enjoy it. I never did. I was a prude. I had sex to be loved but I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t play. I didn’t do much, definitely not blow jobs.

I got married and had an okay sex life at the beginning but then he got heavy and quit taking care of himself. He could go days without brushing his teeth and even with hard sweaty labor, rarely took a shower on the weekends. Now sex was not only a gross chore but it was with someone gross. Our sex life became nil. I remember crying myself to sleep after sex many times as I felt so empty afterwords. I felt from early in our marriage that he didn’t care who he was with as long as he was getting sex. By the time we got divorced, I never thought I would have sex again and didn’t care. I eventually had sex about six months later. It was fun but I still had my hangups about sex but then I met BFF/ex-bf.

He was clean, he was fun. I still think that he is sexy as hell and sex was GREAT. Funny thing about it is, as a typical over 50 man, things didn’t always work but it was always wonderful and fun. I learned that sex is fun and can be enjoyable for both parties. It is not just a chore. I learned that there are men that really enjoy pleasing the woman. My standards went up and now I love sex. I felt sexy and beautiful for the first time in my life, even while naked.

I am definitely not a prude and I am not going to go without if I am not with anyone. Does a man really want to know who I have slept with or how many? I am brutally honest. I am not going to lie about it so if they ask me, I will answer truthfully. I am not ashamed of my sexuality. It took me to almost fifty before I learned to enjoy one of the most natural things we mammals get to experience. Broncos fan asked a couple of things and I answered truthfully. I don’t even remember what it was but he jokingly said I was a slut. I said, “Yes, I know.” He stopped and said that he didn’t want me to be a slut. I wonder if he will be able to handle the truth if he keeps asking things. I won’t lie or hide things from him but I am also not going to volunteer everything. I told him not to ask anything he doesn’t want to know the answer to.

After the coffee/walk date on Sunday, Bronco fan texted me and told me that he had reservations about kissing me as he wasn’t sure what it meant. I texted him back and told him that it didn’t mean anything more than he liked me and is attracted to me. I told him that it didn’t change anything or any expectations and that I wanted to kiss him, too. We agreed to hang out and take it slowly.  Last night was really nice. I went to his place after work and he had made a dinner for us. We watched a show from ESPN on YouTube about John Elway and just chilled and talked while we ate.  After dinner, we started talking, cuddling and making out. As horny as I am, I am not pushing sex with him. If he struggles with what a kiss means, I can only imagine what sex would do to his confusion. I do not need him either running away because we have sex or declaring his love already. He is apt to do either. I always have an overnight bag in my car as I live 30 minutes from town. If I need to crash in town for some reason, I am always prepared but he doesn’t know that yet. I actually wouldn’t have minded just sleeping at his place last night as I got home real late and am very tired today but it is probably best.

We did make out a lot and discussed a bit about previous dating. I saw a tab on his PC open with Zoosk when he was setting up the show so that opened up conversation. I shared things that he asked but also told him that I will not lie to him so do not ask anything he doesn’t want the answer to. I won’t overshare either. I have gone on a lot of  first dates since my divorce, fewer second dates, have had a few short flings, one boyfriend, and a couple FWB. If he wants to know these things, he will be told honestly but I do not think I need to share voluntarily at this time.

I teased him a bit about being okay with kissing me. He said he changed his mind and that he was being the “girl” in our relationship. I quickly reminded him that there is no relationship at this time. We actually discussed a little about no commitment and no expectations. I am not ready to make a commitment to him and I mentioned to him about someone else asking me out on Monday. He said that it was okay and I told him he could do the same.

We are making plans for this weekend. I am not sure what but I do really enjoy being with him. There are things that I am not sure wouldn’t drive me crazy long term. We will see. He is a non-stop talker. I am not used to that but he is so kind, polite, and gentle. He is a good man and I forgive him for what he did on my birthday. He is just not sure what he wants and that enabled me to slow down and not screw up either.

This past week has been quite interesting. I was so upset after I was friend-zoned by Broncos fan on Monday night. My stress jumped up and my inflammation sky-rocketed. I was hurting physically and mentally all week. Broncos fan had said he wanted to be friends so I decided to just act like friends. He has applied for a job at our local post office and I saw something about them needing to hire a lot of people and asked if he had heard anything. He told me he hadn’t yet and asked if I knew anyone. I just happen to know the local postmaster and told him I would ask him to look at the application. I cannot get someone a job BUT I can bring their name to the bosses attention. We talked a few times over the week but not a lot. I did tell him that I wanted to talk in person so we set a date for a walk and coffee on Sunday morning.

In the mean time, I was feeling very lonely and horny and sad. My married guy set up a date with me on Friday night. I thought we were only meeting for a drink but I so needed some companionship. He had plans that night with clients and I had a party to go to and we were going to meet afterwards. I went to my event and didn’t hear from him. When I left, I texted him and his clients had cancelled and he had gone home and forgot about our date. I am done with him. I understand that I cannot be his priority but he forgot me. He apologized but I haven’t heard from him again. He was the only one from the past that I felt that I could still be a FWB with. Nope.

My weekend did have quite an interesting turn though. The event on Friday night was a VIP party for our local Brewfest. I splurge every year for this since my divorce. I love the event and there are a few people that I only see there. I am talking to my friends and these guys walk by me, one is quite tall and catches my eye. The other one sees me and asks if we have met before.  I will call him The Pilot. He comes up for this Brewfest every year so it is possible. We chat for a while but this was a short event as the big party was on Saturday all day. I left a little disappointed that we did not talk longer. He was cute and friendly. His son, the tall one, was nice, too but I was definitely attracted to dad. Saturday, I ran into them a few times and we talked a lot. Eventually, we decided to have a drink after the event and exchanged phone numbers. We met at a local bar that I go to frequently. He bought me a drink but after five hours of beer, I had no desire to drink anymore so we just talked for a while. It turned out that we were so comfortable with each other. At some point, we kissed and I asked if we could go back to his hotel room. I don’t normally do this but I sure needed the physical touch. We fooled around quite a bit but between his nerves and too much beer we were not able to complete the act but it was so much FUN. He made me laugh, we played, we snuggled. He asked if he could fly up again to see me. He walked me back to the bar where my kiddo drove me home and back in the next day for my coffee date with Broncos Fan.

That went real well. It was a little awkward at first but we are so comfy with each other. Eventually, we discussed what happened with us and he told me that even his friend chewed him out for what he did. He was told that he started things and was very flirtatious with me. I agreed with that and he apologized. We walked the river walk a bit, held hands and even kissed a bit. We went back to his car and had a very nice kiss goodbye after he asked me for a date. He is cooking me dinner on Tuesday.

So, I guess it is feast or famine. I now have a date with Broncos fan on Tuesday and we are going to “hang out” with no expectations or commitments for now and The Pilot is coming back on September 8th to spend the weekend with me. I wonder if either of these guys are my future. I am not going to rush either of them but they are both fun, cute, and obviously enjoy being with me. There are pros and cons of both of them. The pilot lives a ways away but can be here in a couple of hours and can whisk me away places. He was talking about Mexico the other day. I need a beach occasionally. He is a little younger but not much. Broncos fan has so many pluses. I will just take it one day, text, date at a time and see where things go.

A lot of my adult life I have worked with  money. I have cashiered many times and even worked in an accounting office where I counted several hundred dollars in cash every day and balanced the business every morning. I have never taken more than a pen at any job I have had. If I were not honest, I have had many opportunities to steal but have never been tempted. I remember when I was in college one time. I was working at a local restaurant. I was really struggling financially at the time. There was a problem with the money one day and they thought that there was some missing. I was technically the cashier BUT the waitresses also would get in the register. Someone else had made and error that was found by looking through the tape but until it was found, I was under suspicion. I was lucky that my boss never really suspected me. He even pulled me aside and reassured me.

I have heard of many people embezzling from work places. The first one that hit me directly was about ten years ago. My eldest daughter had a friend that passed away just before their junior year of high school. Sam died from cancer. Shortly after she died, it came out that her father’s accountant had been stealing from him while his daughter was dying. She took large sums of money. I just couldn’t believe that she took advantage of him during his weakest moment. I have read about several other cases over the years but in the past few years, I have once again seen it happen directly. My friend, R, has his own business. His bookkeeper stole large sums from him. I have not gotten exact numbers but do know it was six figures. She is having to pay him back and if misses a single payment will go to prison. It just angered me so as he is such a good employer. He pays well and is fair and kind. I know many of his employees and a couple before I knew him. They have nothing but kind things to say about him.

The other two cases, I knew the thief. The big one was a Medical Assistant I worked with at the local hospital. She was a bit loud and crazy but I thought she had a good heart. There were a lot of people that didn’t like her as she is loud and bossy but I thought she was good at her job. She was real good with the patients and knew what she was doing. I trusted her medically. I thought she and I were friends for a while but then she ended up stabbing me in the back and accusing one of the docs and me of having an affair because we would meet for a drink after work occasionally. She caused me problems at work after that and things were never the same BUT I still thought she was good with the patients. It came out in June that her mother, husband and her have been accused of embezzling over $140 K from an old man that died in July. The bank noticed irregular things in his accounts and reported the activity. I now wonder how many other elderly patients she ripped off. She was continuously telling me how she was going to go help this and that old patient on the weekend at their house. Since I never would have thought of ripping them off, it never occurred to me that she was stealing from them. Obviously, she has been suspended from the hospital indefinitely. I was so shocked to learn this when it came out. I have heard that there was another 50k found since the story broke. She has two young daughters that are watching both their parents and their grandmother being accused of this horrible act. The other case was just yesterday.  One of my co-workers resigned abruptly. Originally, I was worried about him but then I had someone on the street come up to me last night and tell me that he had a license plate and video of someone emptying meters with a key. Turns out my co-worker had been stealing money. I have no idea how much he has taken but this one breaks my heart. He is a real nice guy that has been struggling so much and trying to fix things in his life. I hate that he chose this option and now I lost one of my favorite co-workers. I hope he is okay and can turn things around. I don’t think any charges are being brought against him so maybe this won’t ruin his life. The other one, I hope that she and her family have the book thrown at them. She used her position at the hospital to gain access to and  take advantage of at least one elderly patient. To me, that is much worse than the other one. When you are in medicine, you should be trust-worthy with your patients.

I do not condone either of these people’s actions. I have no idea how one gets to the point where stealing becomes a true option. We must all take responsibility for our actions and these people must also. At least, he has. He came forward when he found out there was a witness and has admitted his guilt. The other one has not and neither has her family.

A couple of years ago, my sister gave our family all T-shirts that a friend of hers son had made. I loved the shirt and wear it quite often. I get a lot of compliments on it every time I wear it. It is a simple shirt with BE A GOOD PERSON on it. Very simple, very basic but a good message. She had a slip of paper telling us a little about the shirt in it.

I wear this a lot. When I got off work tonight, I changed into this shirt and went to the city picnic. After that, I went to a local winery that I hang out at a lot. When I went in, I was actually looking for a gift for a friend of mine and this gal stopped me and asked if I was Christie’s mom. She then said that I couldn’t be her mom and asked if I new her. I had no idea who she was talking about. I told her that I knew a few Christie’s but had no idea who she was talking about. She told me that Christie’s son makes the shirt that I am wearing. She looks up and her friend is walking in the winery and she immediately asked about the shirt. I told her that my sister gave it to me. She immediately hugged me and said, “You are Laura’s sister.” She had her mom take our picture and immediately sent it to  my sister.  She is one of my sister’s good friends and employees. She was in town for business and knew I lived here but we had never met before. She just happened to go into one of my hangouts and I happened to be wearing the shirt her son produces. She invited me to join them for a glass of wine. Of course, I accepted. I can understand why my mom and sister like her so much. I hope she calls on me when she comes back to town for work. I had no idea that my brother and sister’s company had business down here

My kids and I carpool to work a lot. We live thirty miles from Durango and all three of us work there. We have two cars currently so carpooling is often necessary. Sometimes we have to wait a couple of hours to start work or for the other person to get off work. Usually, the kids carpool as they both usually work nights but occasionally, I get the pleasure of one of the kids company. The other day was one of those nights. I got off at five, my son at eight, and the child at almost eleven. I volunteered to stay and wait for the boy. When I have to do this, I usually sit at the bar across the street and have a drink or two. The other night, it was a longer wait than usual and I ended up at the Starbucks for a while, reading my book and having a coffee a friend had bought for me earlier but hadn’t been made yet. After a little while, I decided to walk down the street and ended back up at the same bar I tend to go to. I got a table by the window, pulled out my book and had a beer. There was a musician playing that I hadn’t heard before and I was really enjoying that. I went from reading to just listening. I talked  a bit to the tourists at the table next to me. I watched a cute little kid playing on the sidewalk wearing a cape. I was just enjoying life and then it hit me. Six months ago, I was still uncomfortable walking into a bar by myself but that night it didn’t phase me. I have been going to Starbucks regularly alone and reading and having coffee on the weekends so that hasn’t been an issue in a long time. It is my weekly date with my pup. He gets a puppacino and a get a drink. I read, he gets love from strangers. Sometimes we do something else before or after but it time for me to read and relax away from home. I think this was the first time that I have walked into a bar/restaurant by myself and not felt awkward or lonely. I didn’t feel bad taking a table by myself. I was totally at ease. I think now that I could walk into any restaurant and have a meal by myself and not feel bad about it or feel that people were staring at me feeling sorry for me.

I have come such a long way since the divorce. During the divorce and for several months after, I could barely go anywhere much less by myself. My friend, Maria, and my kids drug me to a few places but I hardly went anywhere. When I was invited to go out with friends, often I would say yes but the anxiety would keep me home on the night of the event. I definitely didn’t want to do anything ALONE!!!! I didn’t want people to pity me or feel sorry for me for my husband walking out on me. I didn’t want to look pitiful. I didn’t want to be alone. The first couple of parties I went to alone, I cried either there or when I got home. This was at a friends house that I have known for years. When I went to my karate class the few times, I cried afterwards as it used to be a family class for us all. I struggled going to the Library grand opening when we built our new library though I knew just about everyone there. Maybe that was why it was so hard. Even going to my son’s school performances alone was hard. Now, I do  not even think about it. I just go where I want, when I want. I no longer think about what people think of me being alone. I even recently ran into someone I worked with years ago and he asked about my ex-husband. He had no idea we were divorced. That didn’t phase me. I just told him that we have been apart for over five years now.

I remember people telling me that it would get easier but I had no idea that some day I would be so comfortable with myself that I could do anything alone without it bothering me. I was not even like that prior to my marriage. I think my fifties are going to be great because for the first time in my life I am truly happy with who I am and with my own company.

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