Random thoughts


As I continue in this world single in my 40s soon to be 50s, I cannot help but wonder about the men  I am meeting and why nothing goes forward with any of them.

One thing is I am not desperate or needy so I am not chasing anyone. They have to put forth the effort or nothing is happening. A year ago, even less than that, it was not that way. I was making first moves, I was texting a guy if I was interested, sometimes too much, probably but now, if I don’t hear from them, I pretty much forget about them or occasionally wonder how they are doing. I do wonder if what I want is too much to ask.

I want a man that is attentive but not clingy.

I want a man that wants to be with me but is not obsessive.

I want a man that is ready for a relationship and is over his last one.

I want a man that has time for a relationship.

Ii want a man that thinks about me a lot but doesn’t need to text or call me every five minutes. I also want to think about him a lot but not feel the need to text him continuously.

I want a man that is comfortable if I don’t respond to a text immediately.

I want a man that I can trust.  I want a man that trusts me.

I want a man that takes care of himself but not one that has to look perfect all the time.

I want a man that thinks I am beautiful with or without doing my hair or makeup but appreciates it when i take the effort to do so. I guarantee when he dresses up and puts in the extra effort, I will appreciate that.

I want a man that can and will put me first (except in front of his children).

If he has children, I want him to be a good dad and have a good relationship with his children.

I want a man that can accept my kids and possibly grow to love them.

I want a man that is not afraid to show his emotions. Crying is NOT a weakness and real men DO cry.

I want a man that loves to be active but also is fine with sitting still and cuddling on the sofa for a night.

I want a man that wants to go out and play sometimes, more than just a movie.

I want a man that appreciates the finer things in life but is not a snob about it.

I want a man that is not embarrassed or concerned about appearances. I live in a double wide. It is a nice double wide on 3 1/2 acres in the Colorado Rockies. My ex-husband was embarrassed that is wasn’t a stick built home. I never understood that. I don’t need to look good to others. I may not live here forever, in fact, I probably won’t but it should not embarrass someone.

I want a man that can be silly but is also a grown up. You can’t be silly all the time.

I want a man that is a hard worker but knows that life is more than chores.

I want a man that is reliable and punctual. I want to be able to count on him to do what he says when. I am like that, I deserve the same.

I want a man that is not afraid too try new things.

I want a man that doesn’t need to be saved or fixed.

I want a gentleman but not a chauvinist.  Hold the doors, walk closer  to the cars on the street, give me flowers but also  be willing to let me be a strong independent woman and not try to control me.

I want a man that will want to know the real me and will let me know him.

I want a man that I can have intelligent conversations with and debate rationally if we disagree with each others views.  We can learn from each other that way.

I want a man that will spoil me from time to time. If he does, I will spoil him, too.

I want a man that will truly listen to and hear me and try to understand me.

I want a man that is willing to work through hard times and knows that love is worth it though not always easy.

I want a man that understands that a relationship will have its ups and downs and that you don’t always like each other but with hard work love can persevere. Love is a choice.

I want a man with intelligence. Formal education is not necessary to be intelligent.

Of course, I want the little things, good hygiene, teeth, job. It would be nice to have a man that likes to read, enjoys wine and beer, concerts, festivals, live music, dancing, football, motorcycles, skiing, hiking and is a nerd but none of those are necessary.

I want a non-religious and a progressive or liberal minded man.

I want a man that I can love that will love me. I want us to grow old together and be that cute old couple.  I guess I am too picky. Maybe not, only time will tell. Does this man exist? I am doubtful.

 

 

After I became single again, I was quite surprised to have so many YOUNG men hit on me. At first I was pretty horrified as was my eldest daughter. We would go out and guys her age would hit on me. She did not understand and would be hurt. I came to the conclusion after several events that there were a few reasons. The first is that they knew that I wasn’t going to be looking for a  relationship with them and she might. Another reason was given to me by several men that I know and that is I have a confidence that she doesn’t have. At first, I was very resistant to any man more than a few years younger, though I am a young forty nine. No one ever believes that I am the age that I am. After dating or going out on quite a few dates in four years, I have realized that most men older than me are too old. I have been mostly dating men five to eight years younger. I did go out with one man about ten years younger and he was SO YOUNG but then went out with another guy the same age and it wasn’t an issue. Men, so often, date women much younger. Why is there a double standard for women. I like men. I am still attracted to young men and some are attracted to me. They  are always surprised when they find out I am almost fifty. I can keep up with them in activities. I am fit. I am not grey and have few wrinkles. I am aging well. I have had  many men around my age mention how much older they are than me. Is there really an issue for a woman to date a much younger man. If they are both consenting adults, why is there a double standard?

I am not really looking to get involved with someone much younger but am  wondering about this from others views. The young ones are fun to flirt with though, I do admit that.

The other day as I was walking around town writing tickets, my thoughts kept going to the various men that I have met since my divorce. Some have brought lots of joy, some not so much. I have gone on a lot of first dates, several multiple dates, and even tried relationships with a couple of men. I was thinking about the effect they have had on my current life, my views on dating, my views on love, my mistakes with them, their mistakes with me. It can be very interesting when you spend most of your day alone. You have a lot of time to think.

There have been a few men that I barely remember meeting. I wouldn’t recognize them if I saw them again. Obviously, they didn’t make much of an impression and we only went on one date. There are a couple that made enough of an impression that I remember the date and why I didn’t like the guys. I don’t remember their names or what they look like.

There are a few that almost became special. They are the If Only’s……The builder was the first one that I dated. It was too early for both of us. He was going through his divorce. He is a wonderful man, that unfortunately is an alcoholic. We have remained friends. The Mechanic was a perfect gentleman but took it too far (to the point of being chauvinistic) and closed off to his emotions. Our last date we saw The Fault in Our Stars and he told  me that men don’t cry and that is why he didn’t at the movie. We do not have anything to do with each other now. The Engineer….oh how he makes smile. I think we would have really given it a go if he hadn’t lived on the other side of the mountain-300 miles away. We had a few months together meeting halfway between for the weekends when we could. We had so much fun together. We have remained friends. The raft guide was so much fun and I just wan’t ready yet. I blew that one. I think he really liked me but I was needing so much more than was healthy. I was clingy and felt insecure when he didn’t want to be with me all the time. I wish we had met later. I would give us a try again if he were willing. We talk when we see each other. I wish we could be at least friends.  I actually miss him a lot and think of him often.  Of course, there was the one I called Mr Perfect. I wrote about him this past fall. He became clingy way too fast. I wish all these men happiness and wonder IF with a few of them.

Then, of course, there is the ex-bf. I don’t think I was ready yet but he was so good for me. He truly taught me to love again and that I was lovable. He and I are still close and as much as it hurt to lose him, I will never regret our time together. R is wonderful. I have no idea what the future holds. I do know that he is still looking.

 

I know my last couple of posts have been downers but it has been a difficult few weeks here in our area. In the past two weeks, we have had three suicides in our county in the past two weeks. The youngest was 14, one was 22 and graduated with my second kiddo, and the other was a young mother. We have had nine in our county this year already and several more in our area. A friend of mine had a coworkers son in the neighboring county kill himself on Facebook the other night. It is becoming rather frightening for all of us.

For me, my middle kiddo having a classmate kill herself was very difficult for me to handle. She has been suicidal in the past and definitely been depressed off and on for a few years. When I heard about her classmate, I had no idea how close they were. I knew she had to know her. They had to know each other as our town is small and we are all connected and the kids all know each each other in school. I was so worried about her all day. I was so relieved to know that they weren’t close at all but still have had concerns about her since. She appears to be okay but studies do show that suicide is contagious.

I spent all day wondering who was next. Why it is contagious. Why do people get permission to go ahead and go through with it when other people do? I have always wondered that. I have never understood that but it is true. I have read a lot on theories of why this past week but I think I have one idea why. One of the reasons I never acted on my plans was I was afraid of failing and having to live with the consequences of that. I didn’t want to live with people upset with me for attempting to die. I think one of the reasons that it is contagious is we see people  succeed and think maybe we can, too. Is that one of the reasons that there are more attempts after a suicide in an area? It is a theory of mine. There is a town summit on Thursday addressing our crisis and where to get help, what to watch for, etc. I imagine that it will be highly attended as this is affecting our small community so hard. I hope that we can stop this from continuing in our area.

Don’t worry, I am not depressed or contemplating at all at this time. I am just saddened by all the recent deaths. I am grateful that I haven’t been close to any of the people that have died but I have friends that have been. Survivors have such a hard time.

I came to a realization tonight that just blew  me away. R and I have been spending a lot of time together again. His ten year old son wants us to be a couple so badly. I have grown to love the kid and he loves me. I could love R, if I let myself. I have talked about him a few times. Most recently and most in detail  Right Person, Wrong Circumstances .

It seems recently that R is wanting to spend more time with me. I have no idea what is going on with him. He is not a big talker. His son has told me that his dad is looking for a new girlfriend and he wishes it were me. I had them over for dinner when my son was home and his kid told him, “Dad, I will love you forever if you make Kylene your girlfriend.” He says things like this all the time. I always feel awkward when it happens and reassured him Sunday at the movie the three of us went to that I do NOT encourage this. R knows this. Today, towards the end of my work day, R asked me if  wanted to come eat  at his house on the way home. They were already eating but he would make me a plate. I decided to take him up on this. I got to see two of my favorite guys and his three dogs that I also love. Once again, his son made some comment about us being perfect together. I whispered to R that it wouldn’t be so terrible if we fell for each other. He snickered at me as I had just posted on FB today: “They are fun to look at, flirt with, and play with but I am glad I do not have one full time.” I told him that minds can change as can feelings.

After I ate, we visited for a few minutes, snuggled, talked, watched the kid play in a box and then I left to come home. I was thinking about things as I was driving and  I realized that a year ago, when R told me that something was missing, I was sad for ME that he couldn’t love me. Now I feel sad for HIM that he doesn’t love me. I realized that I TRULY love me and no longer need a man to love me for me to feel loved. What an amazing feeling!!!! If things change with R, I would give us a chance but I am okay if we don’t or we don’t work out. I am worth it. I am loved by the most important person in my life….ME. If I find a man to share my life with GREAT, if not that is great too and their loss.

When I was out of town with my sister and her teenage son, I found out that the boy shaves his legs, arms, chest, as well as his face since he is very hairy. I cannot imagine that he is THAT hairy. His father sure wasn’t and neither is my dad. I was very surprised to hear this but my sister told me that all men do this now. I had to disagree with her and couldn’t help but wonder if my nephew shaves because his mother tells him that the hair is gross and how hairy he actually is.  My son, who is 18 months older than his cousin only shaves his face (occasionally). He usually wears facial hair. He has very little hair on his chest, if any. He has hairy legs but not excessive. I personally do not like overly hairy men but would not insist on him shaving. If I was with a man with a hairy back, I would prefer him to shave it but would not insist on it. Since my divorce, I was had one boyfriend that was quite hairy and it was okay. I liked him so it wasn’t a big deal. I do like a little manscaping for intimate moments but don’t expect the men to shave their legs, chests, arms or anything else. I expect a man to have hairy legs unless he is a swimmer or bicyclist.  I do shave my legs and armpits but for ME. If I chose to not do so, I would have a problem with someone that insisted on it. What are my readers thoughts on this? I am quite curious.

It is funny how some things will trigger me and remind me of how bad things had been. I was at work, walking up 12th Street and there were three cars at the intersection. The first one was turning left onto Main Ave. The traffic on Main doesn’t have a stop sign so it can be a long wait to turn left. The second vehicle was going straight and the third wanted to turn right. This is a small town with relatively little traffic but it has grown a lot over the years. I admit it has not been fun watching it grow over the thirty years I have been here but it goes with the territory. The guy in the third vehicle started screaming and cursing profanities and honking his horn. He couldn’t see that the first vehicle wanted to go left. He was being very impatient and letting himself get super stressed about such a minor thing. When the first car finally was able to turn (maybe ninety seconds), he squealed up to the second car and turned right very quickly and potentially dangerously while revving his engine. I immediately thought to myself how glad I was to not be with someone like that anymore. The ex-husband used to get such horrible road rage. There were times I was afraid that he might even get us shot or hurt. He would flip people off on the highways in the city, cut people off, tailgate on purpose if someone cut us off. You never know when someone might pull a gun. If I said anything to him, he would then yell at me. I was often very nervous in the car with him. The stress and tension in the car was always so bad from that moment on. It was bad for all of our health. Stress increases inflammation which increases pain, diabetes, and so many other health issues. He was slowly killing us all.

I will never put up with that from someone again. It was one of the many ways I was mentally abused and controlled by him. He had a nasty temper that I was afraid to set off. he never physically hurt me but I was scared of him and so were the kids. I wish I could say that he never laid a hand on them. He never beat them but kids should not be scared of their parents.

About the man in this story, I feel bad for him (and the ex). Life is too short to get so upset over such insignificant things. His blood pressure was up, I am sure. His behavior was bad for his health. Luckily, there was no one else in the car and I am sure I was the only one that heard his language. I was the only other one really affected and it made me feel grateful that I no longer have that kind of stress in my life.

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