Random thoughts


Life has been a bit busy and crazy for the past few weeks. I thought about blogging many times and about many things BUT just have not been taking the time. I have 24 more hours with my son home and I have been enjoying every moment we have had together. I also have been doing a lot of reading and self reflection. One of the first guys I dated after my divorce was the most positive person that I have ever met. I asked him how he could always be so positive and he told me that it was because of this book by Tony Robbins that he read.

I have finally been reading this book after almost four years. I will go into it a bit in a later blog but I wanted to share one major thing that I have realized. I am GLAD that I have been alone mostly for the past five years. It has enabled me to grow. It has enabled me to learn who I really am. Time (and this book) have given me the ambition to set goals again. My life had been, for so long, all about our kids, our marriage, his career. Our kids are grown, our marriage is over and his career doesn’t affect me anymore. I have not been focusing on goals for years now. If I had stayed in the relationship with BFF or gotten serious with someone else, my focus would have become on them, their wishes, their lives, etc. This has been a great time of growth for ME and maybe, eventually, I will be able to let someone back in that fits into MY GOALS. I truly love myself and enjoy my own company. I am setting my own goals and have my own dreams now all because I have taken the time to get to know me- post marriage.

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Before I was married, my mother used to host a party on Christmas Eve. She didn’t do it very long but I enjoyed it and when I got married, I continued the tradition. When the kids got to school age, we changed the date so it was a Saturday before Christmas. For many years, it has been the highlight of the holiday. I have baked for a month prior to the party. Cookies and breads galore.  A few main dishes, side dishes, chocolate fountain. For many years, we had a pool table (the ex got rid of it two months before he filed for divorce- I gave in to make him happy) We have  dart board, air hockey table. When the kids were younger, we let them have one friend spend the night every year. One young man has only missed a couple of these parties since he was about five. He is twenty now. We have had as few as ten people come and as many as sixty come and go. We have had clear skies and almost blizzards but it has happened every year. Every so often, during my bad years, I would threaten to cancel the party due to stress but was always glad that I didn’t. The event was always one of my favorite nights of the year. After the divorce, I almost stopped but the kids still really wanted it to happen. Some of the best ones have been the past few years. We pulled out the karaoke machine, board games, and just enjoyed the time BUT it has been more and more difficult for all the kids to be here. The middle one has been late or missed due to work for years. She won’t be able to be here at all tomorrow. My son has to work  and miss the first few hours. The eldest is driving down tomorrow and has no idea when she will be here. I have been working so much as have the kids so hardly anything is ready for tomorrow night.

I made a decision today. This is the last one. I basically cancelled it today. I told a few people to still come. Tomorrow I will clean house and make cookies. We only have a few old time guests coming, including that young man. Next year, my kids and I will not be hosting this party. Our lives are so different now. They have jobs, boyfriends or girlfriends. I am trying to date. I love our party but no longer want to make this a have to event every year. We may choose to do something smaller from time to time but no longer will we have a date set in stone for a year. No longer will  I spend a ton of money and time on this party. The kids will be free to go hang with friends during the holiday time when they are in town and their friends are home, too.I will have the freedom to go with a boyfriend (if I have one) to other events.

It has been a good long run. I have hosted this party 25 times in 27 years. There are many things that I will miss but it sometimes is good to change traditions. I wonder how I will feel next December when I do not have a party to plan and prepare for. Only time will tell but I imagine that I will be more free with money and time and that will be good.

Over the past ten years or so, I have been working real hard to try and look at things differently. I have never been an optimistic person by nature. I think it is part of my depressive nature. My mother used to tell me all the time to not be so negative. Since my last depressive episode, this has been a goal of mine. I knew that I had to try and make changes to save my life. I have gotten pretty good at this recently and today was a good example of it. Today, it was snowing. It is our first snow of the season. I love snow and was so excited. On my way to work, when I got to the highway, I never was able to get any traction and slid off the road almost immediately. I went straight off an embankment and slid into the bushes. I was sure that I was going to flip the car but luckily, that did not occur. When I came to a stop, I immediately called USAA to get my roadside assistance. I sat there for a while  waiting to hear when the tow truck would be there. I had many people stop to check on me but I was fine. I was told that there were several cars off the road in the next couple of miles so I knew that it might be a while.When the USAA gal called, she let me know that it would be about two hours before the tow truck driver got there. Instead of getting upset, I planned on walking home (about 1.5 miles) and thanked her. The driver called and told me it wouldn’t be that long so I decided to hang out in the car and read. Several years ago, I would have been sobbing by now. I would have been stressing about work, my car, money, everything. Today, I sat there and read and enjoyed watching the snow fall.

I had so many people stop by- a few that I knew but many that I did not. I had one guy stop and ask me if I needed anything, I told him (jokingly) that I wanted more tea. He actually went home and brought me a travel mug full of hot water, a thermos with more, several teas, sugar, a blanket. I had never seen this man before. He told me to call if I needed a ride home or anything else. When he left, that is when I cried. I couldn’t believe the kindness of strangers. Eventually, the tow truck got there. He had a hard time getting my car out safely but managed and I drove to work. The rest of the drive was uneventful. An event that would have stressed me out years ago instead made me look at life in a good way. I was glad it was snowing. I was glad my car and I were fine. I was happy with where I have chosen to call home. I was loving seeing random acts of kindness from so many. I was smiling like a fool all day., so happy about the snow. Nothing could shake that happiness, not even sitting in a car, in a ditch, for three hours. Actually, the worst part of the day was needing to pee after drinking all the tea. I had to climb through the other side of my car to pee in the bushes. It really upset the cows on the other side of the fence but it was worth it.

This morning on the way to work, the traffic was stop and go. I was stopped right past an intersection. When I looked in my rear-view mirror, I thought the gal coming up behind me was going to hit me but she stopped in time. I was relieved. Just a moment later, I  heard a loud crash. I looked up again and saw car parts flying. I saw the car behind me get hit. The car behind her went up pretty high. I thought she was going to be pushed into me. While this was happening, the cars in front of me moved so for a brief split second, I considered going on to work but I just couldn’t do that. If  there had been injuries, I never would have been able to live with myself so instead, I picked up my phone. I called 911 and got out of my car. There were three cars in the accident. Two of the drivers got out of their cars immediately so I checked on the other one, the gal behind me. She was not injured but she was very shaken up. She had her sixteen month old baby in the back seat. He was perfectly fine. He was very happy and playing in his car seat. I quickly checked on everyone else then went back to her. I tried to calm her down and stayed until the police and fire department showed up.

Things could have been much worse. I am sure two of the cars were totaled. The driver that caused the accident was driving  a dealer car from her work. The other was a young man that had never been in an accident before. The gal’s car behind me was the only one that was drive-able after the accident. I am so glad that I didn’t have to use any of my first aid training besides calming them down and making sure the scene was secured and safe. We were lucky that there was a tow truck driver right behind them. He blocked the traffic with his truck so none of us had to direct traffic. I did let the one gal know how to reach me in case she needs to.

All this reminded me that we need to never take things for granted and how things can change in an instant. I was very lucky that she wasn’t pushed into me. Everyone was lucky that they weren’t hurt.

This article in the Chicago Tribune is very interesting and I love how things are put so I had  to share. I had never thought about comparing a car or other belongings to our bodies. I know that I love to get dressed up and look nice. I do this mostly for me. It is nice to get a sincere compliment but not to get cat called. I give sincere compliments to people all the time, both male and female. It is obvious it is appreciated. I own my body. I am proud of my body and I like the way I look. I should be able to dress any way I want without fear or shame.

Why Do Women Get All Attractive?

I shared a piece on October 8th about the shootings that keep happening in our country in Thoughts on Vegas, and Why Men Keep Doing This – Be Yourself . This was a very interesting read on men in our society and why they keep doing these atrocious things. It also mentioned a few things to read, watch, or join to learn more, grow, or fix things. One of them was a film The Mask You Live In . I watched this over the weekend and cried. It is so telling what we have done to our boys. How confusing it is to “be a man” in our world.

I saw my son so many times. He is so not a typical boy. He had two older sisters. He and the middle kid are so close. He would play dolls with her. She took tap and ballet so he wanted to take tap and ballet. He did that for three years. The first year at three, he was the only boy. The second and third year, he was joined by his best friend. They quit when the school closed. He started playing the violin at five. He also played flag football for three years. He enjoyed it but after the third year, he said he was done with football. He wanted to be a Bronco and the team was the Broncos that year so he reached his goal. When he started Kindergarten his favorite color was pink. He had the classroom bully tell him that he was not allowed to like pink. This same bully picked on him for years. I didn’t know about much of the bullying because my son never told us but the middle kiddo would tell us. He also had a couple of real good friends that always stood up for him. One was his girlfriend. She was so cute. She would threaten to beat up all the boys that picked on him. I am sure that didn’t help matters but she always had his back. They are still friends to this day. The other was his jock best friend. They are so different but are like brothers. As the years went on, my son became an avid reader, brain, reader, and very sensitive. In high school, he got into band and theater. My son has never been a stereotypical boy and is now finding his way as a man that doesn’t fit the stereotypical male in our society.

This film delves into what being a man is and how our society tries to stifle the “feminine” side of them.  We need to change the way we raise our boys and what we expect from them. There are men like my son. There are men like his best friend, the jock. They both are very sensitive young men and have been allowed to be this way due to their mothers. Both of them had fathers that are the more “macho” men that were raised to not show emotions. Not all men are as lucky as our boys. Many are still raised to not show emotions. Those men are damaged. They have difficulties in so many aspects of their lives, even if they don’t see it themselves. Many become lonely, angry, and unsatisfied in life. Many end up much worse- abusers, controllers, killers, etc. We need to let our boys be who they are and express their own interests and feelings. I think anyone that influences boys in our world should watch this film. I would love to hear your opinions on this film after you watch it.

I adore ice cream guy when I am with him but when I am not, I am constantly trying to talk myself out of liking him. I know in my head that he is not the right guy long term and it stinks. We so enjoy our time together BUT he is the most unsocial person that I know. He won’t even consider going to my game nights with me.  I thought it was just because he isn’t a gamer but then he also won’t even consider going to Rocky Horror Live. Again, I figured Rocky wasn’t his thing. I then invited him to a party for Halloween and he also said no, not his thing. He doesn’t like things with crowds or small talk. I spent the last ten years of my marriage wanting to do things and the ex wouldn’t. I am now comfortable doing things by myself but do I want to forever? No, not really. We did discuss this a little and I think we both know this  is a long term problem

He also is more broke than I am. I am not looking for a sugar daddy or a man to support me but one that can afford to do something occasionally would be nice. He also doesn’t seem to follow through on things. We were supposed to go on a trip to Moab. I told him that I wanted to go on a trip and he said that would be fun and asked if he could come along. I thought that would be great. Since he  knows the area, he started looking for a place to stay and we talked about options a few times. The trip was supposed to be last weekend. We didn’t go anywhere. We were supposed to go ice skating today. I asked him to find out when the open skate was since it was something that he really wanted to do. He checked less than an hour before it started. I live 45 minutes away so that was unable to be there. It is now seven PM on Saturday night and I am home alone. This is my third weekend in a row not doing anything. He did come over last Friday night but except for a few minutes after work a couple of nights this week, I haven’t had any time with him since. I guess I was seeing something that wasn’t there. I haven’t even heard from him since I told him that tomorrows time is not good for me. I wish he wasn’t so great when we are together but I know I need more than he is currently giving me. I don’t know if he will ever be willing or able to give me more.

In the mean time, I am receiving text from other men wanting to spend time with me, including BF/ex-bf. We actually had a night out last night. We talked about US. He is wanting to spend time together again.I had to tell him that I cannot let myself fall in love with him again if he cannot love me. He asked me why I said that. I think he is truly thinking about trying again. I will always love him. He has never hurt me. I trust him implicitly. My kids love him. He is part of the family. I am terrified to give us a chance again and told him so. I did stay with him last night and we snuggled all night. It felt like being home.

I think that I am going to stick with being single for a while and just see what happens. I really don’t want to answer to anyone or have anyone have any control of me and my activities. It is easier to be alone and make my own decisions an just enjoy my life with whom I want to be with when  want to be with them. I actually thought that there was hope with the ice cream guy and I am really disappointed that I was wrong but I would rather learn that now than after I am fully invested in him. Time to move on again.

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