Honesty


I am so tired of things going wrong. I am slowly sinking more and more into debt but not because of poor choices Mostly it has been because of car issues and medical issues I have been trying to get a consolidation loan for a while but keep get turned down. I hit a deer in my car a little over a month ago. The only body shop that contracts with USAA locally couldn’t see my car for a month so I chose one that my boss uses. He is also a USAA member. It has been a month today that they have had my car. I have rental car coverage. On February 22, I got a call from Enterprise saying that the coverage was getting cancelled because the body shop had not sent info to USAA saying car wasn’t done. I called the body shop and they said they were having problems with getting parts but they would send information to USAA that day. Today, I get a call from Enterprise telling me I owe them almost $600 and need to return the car and that USAA cancelled coverage. I contact USAA and they never received anything from body shop. Body shop tells me they sent it and talked to Enterprise and not to worry about it. USAA tells me they have not heard from body shop. I hate the fuckin rental they gave me but it was the only car they had that could get to my house. I want my car back. Of course, with the several feet of snow we have gotten in the past month, I slid into chunks of ice and scratched the rental. So I have copay for 2 accidents and have to fight to figure out the shit with the bookshop/Enterprise/USAA. I know that USAA will cover the rental but I have to fix an error because someone is not doing their job.

In the mean time, we have had several FEET of snow and I finally can get up my driveway and dug out my propane tank Sunday night. I have been parking at the bottom for weeks and walking up. I was at 5%.. I contacted Amerigas and asked for a delivery. I immediately got an email saying I would get a delivery the next day. Here it is Wednesday night, I am on zero and no delivery yet. I have contacted them yesterday and today and was told I would get a delivery. I called the corporate office tonight hysterically crying and told her I needed propane. If I don’t get propane, lines will freeze that I cannot afford to fix. She had NO information about deliveries. I had an email and 2 phone calls. I was told yesterday I would get a delivery last night or first thing today. I was told this afternoon, that I would have a delivery today. She did not understand why I hadn’t had a delivery yet. The driver called and asked if I could make it till morning as he was 90 minutes away. He told me he was calling his boss and promised a delivery in the morning I was sobbing. I hope it really happens. I turned my heat down and am grateful for electric heaters and dogs for heat.

One more thing, I am one three regular meds.. One is a med for my heart murmur. I haven’t taken it in almost 3 months because I couldn’t afford to buy it but the other that I ran out of was my antidepressant. I have been off of them for over a week now. I have been crying all day and am struggling to keep it together. The only reason that I am keeping going is I promised my kid that I won’t do anything. I truly wish that I would just drop dead. I won’t kill myself but I am so fucking tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am tired of struggling financially. I am tired of being alone. I am angry and resentful towards my ex. I gave up everything to raise our kids and support his carrier. Now he is getting remarried, has a good career and I am struggling to fucking eat. I wish that I could just stop existing. I don’t want to do this anymore. It takes so much for me to get up every day and face another day of struggling but I will continue. I sure hope that someday my life gets better. I am lonely, I am broke. I am tired. I often wonder if it is worth it.

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My eldest came home last week and on Friday morning, my two eldest kids told me that they had something to tell me. They dropped a bombshell. They told me that their dad is getting married. My initial reaction was good for him. I always knew he would do this before I did. I was so relieved that he didn’t marry the weasel faced bitch. The new gal is also a gal he knew in high school. I am grateful that she and the kids all get along. I haven’t met her yet but she seems better than WFB. I do think it is humorous that he has gone backwards with his women but really, I do wish him well.

My initial reaction lasted a short while and then the tears and anger came. Damn him!!! He is about the make the promises to another woman that he made to me twenty eight years ago. For twenty three years, I stood by him as he built his career. I gave up my military career because he didn’t like the military life and I stayed home and raised our kids. Because of the date I got out of the military, I had to give up my GI Bill so I lost my chance of finishing my education while I raised our three kids. I moved to and lived in Chicago and suffered there all alone. I dealt with in-laws that for the most part never welcomed me to the family. I dealt with a controlling husband that treated me like he was better then I am, even though I was more educated and, to be honest, smarter than he is. I put up with emotional abuse but kept thinking that it would get better. I put up with so much only to find that his promises meant nothing to him. Is it normal of me to have resentments now, even though I wouldn’t take him back for anything? I could have retired from the military ten years ago and worked in a field I loved all that time. I would have retirement now and could be having a second income now.

I don’t want him back. I do not love him. I am not jealous but I fucking resent the hell that he makes over three times what I do. I sacrificed so much for our family only to have him walk out just as the kids were grown and we could finally start having our time. He gets to move on with a good career while I am struggling to even pay my bills and eat. I am alone while I am struggling while he is now in his second serious relationship and actually getting married. I honestly think I will be alone forever. There is also the part of me that hope that he has grown enough that he will treat her better than he treated me. Such a horrible range of emotions. I cried for a bit, which made my kids feel bad for telling me. I tried to hide it from them but was unable to hold it in the entire time. I really am happy for him. I wish him well. I just wish that things could be good for me, too.

R was hanging out with my kid and me on Friday. He noticed immediately that something was wrong and mentioned that maybe I should see someone. I am so hesitant to do so. I have a few free visits with my insurance but they are with counselors in the hospital where i used to work. One encouraged him to divorce me and the other has been an acquaintance for over 20 years, I also get stressed being in that building due to how Centura treated me. Besides, I honestly think that my having a reaction was normal. I am not dwelling on it. I am not crying about it anymore. I just had to vent my feelings.

I had so many plans for this weekend but I barely got off the sofa. I did get some things done but never left the house and barely got dressed. I sure wish that I could just end this funk that I have been in.

As the year is coming to a close, I cannot help but realize that another year has passed ALONE. January 8th will be the beginning of my 7th year alone except for the few marvelous months with the ex-bf. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being just friends. I am tired of FWB which is why I haven’t had sex since I was in Arizona the beginning of November. Is is so much to want a relationship.. Is it too much to want to be loved and be in love. I won’t settle to have it but DAMN it, I miss it.

The pilot and I decided that the distance was an issue and have decided to be just friends. It sucked to have that discussion but it was needed. It is a shame that things were not different with us. He is so much fun. I could have gotten attached to him. In the mean time, R is confusing the hell out of me. He came over the other night, we talked, snuggled and fooled around but I told him that I cannot and will not have sex with him as friends anymore. He was fine with that. I have made it very clear with him where I stand. If he wants to give us a chance, all he has to do it say so but he won’t. He invited me to come over and spend new years with him and his son tomorrow. I told him that really all I want to just spend a week in bed drinking and feeling sorry for myself for not being lovable. He texted me back that I am loved and I told him but not completely. He replied, “more than you know” Now what the fuck does that mean. If he is in love with me, why doesn’t he say it. If he isn’t then he needs to quit saying things like that.

There is a part of me that wants to just give up and be celibate forever but then there is the other part of me that wants to continue trying so I signed back up on Match today. I have never paid for Match before but POF and OKCupid have had the same men for five years. It was time to look at possibly a new set of men. Of course, Broncos fan, R, and a couple of other men that I have gone out with are there. I hope that it is not as bad as the others were for me more recently.

In the mean time, I need to get my ass off the sofa for more than work and karate. I need to work on decluttering the home so I can sell this place ASAP. I need to find another source of income so I can start getting ahead financially.

I hope that 2019 is a better year for me. 2018 has had its moments but for the most part, I am so glad that it is over.

I don’t know why I haven’t been writing lately. I keep thinking about topics but haven’t taken the time in weeks to write. I need to get back to this as it is good for me in so many ways. I have had so much happen since I last wrote. Eventually, I will write about some of them but a brief synopsis follows.

  • The week after the pilot was here, I went to Denver to see the Broncos- Raiders game.
  • I have organized a girl’s group/night with friends here.
  • I got my bellybutton pierced.
  • The Pilot came back for another visit
  • I have a new co-worker
  • I threw my back out
  • stressing about the election and the world
  • decluttering to sell my house

I guess today, I will talk about the time with the pilot. We don’t talk a lot but we do text almost every day. He works such late hours and I hate to bother him at work. He has told me that he will always answer a call from me though. When I do call, he never acts irritated that I bothered him.  He flew back down about three weeks ago. He came in bright and early on a Saturday. I picked him up at the airport and once again, we just really enjoyed our time together. We were not as active this time but we also had more time together. The weather has taken a turn for the colder here in Colorado and the Arizona guy gets cold fast. He was here for 48 hours this time. We spent most of the weekend walking around town. We had thought about  driving over the mountains to my favorite neighboring town but it was snowing int he high country so I didn’t want to do that drive. Instead, I drove him around here a bit and brought him to my house. He tinkered with my son’s guitar a bit and he was approved of by the dogs.  He loves to play music and  I could have listened to him play much longer. Of course, I had to tell him how sexy that was.

I am driving down to Arizona on Wednesday for my new camping/hiking trip and plan on spending a few days with him while I am there. He is actually taking Friday through Sunday off to spend with me. I am very excited BUT I am really starting to overthink this situation. I really like him and I think that he likes me BUT the distance is definitely an issue. I want a partner more than every few weeks. I have never done a long distance relationship for very long before. I know that I do not want to move to Phoenix and if I ever change my mind on that, it will be a while. I cannot imagine giving things up for a man again. I never want to be in that position again. I have a good job, benefits, retirement plan here. He has his own business there, his mom, his son and his life. Will either of us ever be willing to make the change so we can be together (if it gets to that). I overthink and I doubt. I have a hard time even considering giving us a chance. I am trying to just live in the moment but my brain won’t stop.

One of the things I really like about what we have is this relationship is definitely not based on sex. It is so easy for that to take over in the beginning of a relationship but with the distance between us, it really can’t. Even when he got here last time, I would have been perfectly happy to go straight to the hotel for some intimate time but he just wanted to go check in and head out to town. He said we had plenty of time for sex. He is interested and doesn’t seem to have  problem with performing so I think he just really wants to know me. That is real nice. I guess I just need to relax and learn to take things slowly and enjoy what he and I have while we have it.

I was in my second year of college here. I had made many friends over the past couple of years. I was living in a four bedroom house with two guys and another gal. The guys  were like my brothers. I had a rule, no dating housemates. Too complicated if it didn’t work out. For the most part, my housemates and I were very different but, for the most part, we got along real well. We had the scholarly, the bicyclist, the stoner and me, the theater/science nerd. We all lived very separate lives most of the time but sometimes, we would actually hang out together. House parties, movie nights, watch sports on TV, even a theater party here and there. Over all it was a great living situation and I was very happy there. Across the street lived another college guy that we all knew someway or another. He would occasionally hang out with us and sometimes we would hang out at his place.

One night, a couple of my housemates and I were over at this guys house to watch The Fly. It was such a good movie and we thought it would be a good night. For some reason, my roommates went back home for the night. The movie was about over and I wanted to see the end. I had no reason to not trust the guy that lived there. I had hung out with him many times before. I was wrong. Shortly after my roommate left, the guy was on top of me. He had me pinned to the sofa and was trying to convince me to go further. I kept telling him no and he kept going, touching, kissing, groping, touching, kissing. I had no chance of getting away from him and he would not stop no matter how much I told him no. I was scared and couldn’t get away. He was so big and I was at such a disadvantage as I was pinned under him on the sofa in an empty house. He was at least 200 pounds. A BIG guy. At the time, I was barely over 100 pounds and 5’5″ and had no skills for defense. I had never been so happy to hear a knock on the door until that night. One of my roommates came back. I have no idea why but I have been so grateful for it. The guy jumped off of me and I sped home. I did tell my roommate what happened and thanked him so much for coming back. I never spoke to the neighbor again and avoided him the rest of the time I was in school.

I never reported the incident. I only spoke of it to a few people. I knew it would be his word against mine. I didn’t want to go through the hassle or any of the shit that goes with it. I didn’t want to have people say that I shouldn’t have put myself in that position. I didn’t want to hear how it was my fault. I didn’t want my sexual promiscuity to be used against me. I knew I had no proof. My roommate didn’t see anything, he just knew how glad I was to see him and what I told him. I did share with a couple of female friends and found out that he had done the same with a couple of friends of mine but they chose not to report either. Being a reporting female, especially back then was so bad but I do not know if it has gotten any better.

I blocked out so much of the event. I do not remember his name, I just remember that he was a lot bigger than I was. I remember the house. When I drive by it, I always remember it. I don’t remember what he looked like but I remember the layout of the room. I remember the smells. Would I remember his name if I heard it? Would I remember his face if I saw it? I do not know but I do know that it happened. I have shared with very few people in my life. Why share it? It does no good. I often have guilt for not reporting it as I am sure he has done it again but would my coming forward have stopped it or just ruined my life? I am just glad I got away before he raped me and it was “just a sexual assault”. It still traumatized me. It still made me very leery of men and trusting a man when I am getting to know them. I thought he was my friend.

I am Fifty One now.

#metoo

They say the third time is the charm. Three times you are out. I think that Broncos Fan just blew any chance with me. I shared previously how he blew me off on my birthday. 

We worked past that but it definitely make me look at things with him differently. Things had started off so good and I actually thought that we might develop into something. After that incident, I stepped back and decided that I really needed to take it slow with him. I am so glad that I changed my tone. He has now blown me off not once, not twice, not even three times but FOUR!!!! My birthday was bad enough but I wasn’t heartbroken. I mentioned that we were supposed to get together that Tuesday. I messaged him asking about the plans and he cancelled on me. He stated that he had to be in town at 0730 the next morning so didn’t think he could handle going out. I let him off the hook but I was really bothered. I live thirty minutes farther from town than he does. If we had gone out, I would have gotten home later than him and had to be at work in town at 0800 the next morning. He would been home more than an hour longer than I would have been so I felt he wimped out on me. The third time he flaked out on me was something coming up this weekend. My family has access to Denver Broncos tickets. I had invited him to go to the game with me this Sunday. He originally said yes and was supposedly excited to join me.  I put in for a vacation day on Monday and it was a date. He was looking for a new job and was lucky to find one pretty quickly BUT when he took the job, he had his start day be this Monday. I do know that maybe there wasn’t a choice BUT usually when you start a job, you can say, I have plans on such and such a day, can I start the next day. I have never had that be a problem when I was hired somewhere. I decided to let it go  but due to having some other problems, I almost had to cancel the trip, I got things worked out and a friend of mine is going with me. Tonight was the last one, He has been out of town for a week. We haven’t seen each other since the 1st. He called me last night and said he wanted to see me before I left town tomorrow. We planned a date for tonight. I think all we were going to do was hang at his place and watch some television and then I would have driven my 30 minutes home to my place to drive to Denver (almost 6 hours) tomorrow. This morning, he texts me and told me that today was going to be too busy for him and he was going to have to cancel. I told him okay but was not a happy woman.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend and I had a girls day. We talked a lot about our kids and their relationships. One of the things that she said that wishes that she could get her kids to realize is that what we see at the beginning is the best it is going to be. If someone is unreliable at the beginning that is not going to get better. I remember thinking then that it was a wise thing for all of us single people to remember. Broncos Fan is a nice man but he is not wanting to make sacrifices or make the time to spend it with me. If it were important to him, he would. I think maybe he was right when he said that we should just be friends. I can enjoy watching football with him but the man that I want to date wants to make time to be with me. I need to let him know this but first, I am heading out of town for a few days.  I deserve a man that puts me first and shows that I am important to him.

So much has happened since my last post. Two weekends ago, I had a date with Broncos fan. We went to a bar after work and had a couple of drinks and then went back to his place. We fooled around a bit but talked more than anything.  Eventually, he asked me to be his girl but I told him no. It had been less than a week since he told me that he wasn’t sure he wanted to date. He is not ready and I am not ready for a commitment with anyone.  We went to his bed to watch a film in bed but we couldn’t find anything on the tv that we wanted to watch. He had me roll over and gave me a massage until I fell asleep. We were supposed to go hiking the next day but when we woke up, it was cloudy and raining. He had an errand to run and afterwards, we decided since the weather wasn’t conducive to hiking, we stayed in and watched films all day. We had a nice relaxing day. We did eventually have sex but, unfortunately, I am not thrilled with a few things about him physically. One, he  is very hairy. I honestly do not know if I can get used to that. He also wears a semi-permanent hair piece that feels weird to touch. I think I would rather have a bald man than one with obvious lines that you feel when you touch their hair. He is sweet and we never run out of things to say but he has shown himself to be a bit fickle and unreliable. He has flaked out three times in the one month since we went on our first date.  He is also a perfect gentleman, holds doors, walks on the street side, and stands when I enter a room. He makes me laugh. He has made three CD’s for me of music that he wanted to share with me. He gave me a couple Broncos things that I will treasure. He talks too much and interrupts often but he does seem to care about how I feel about things and when I pointed out that he interrupts a bit, he has consciously tried to be aware of it. He has been out of town for a week. We have texted a bit but he was learning his new job and I was busy over the weekend and at work this week so we haven’t talked much. We might be able to  get together before I leave town Saturday, depending on wen he gets back. I am real glad that he flaked out on me quickly as it has made me take this one real slow and not rush things. I am going in with my eyes open. Next…..the date with the Pilot.

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