Honesty


I was in my second year of college here. I had made many friends over the past couple of years. I was living in a four bedroom house with two guys and another gal. The guys  were like my brothers. I had a rule, no dating housemates. Too complicated if it didn’t work out. For the most part, my housemates and I were very different but, for the most part, we got along real well. We had the scholarly, the bicyclist, the stoner and me, the theater/science nerd. We all lived very separate lives most of the time but sometimes, we would actually hang out together. House parties, movie nights, watch sports on TV, even a theater party here and there. Over all it was a great living situation and I was very happy there. Across the street lived another college guy that we all knew someway or another. He would occasionally hang out with us and sometimes we would hang out at his place.

One night, a couple of my housemates and I were over at this guys house to watch The Fly. It was such a good movie and we thought it would be a good night. For some reason, my roommates went back home for the night. The movie was about over and I wanted to see the end. I had no reason to not trust the guy that lived there. I had hung out with him many times before. I was wrong. Shortly after my roommate left, the guy was on top of me. He had me pinned to the sofa and was trying to convince me to go further. I kept telling him no and he kept going, touching, kissing, groping, touching, kissing. I had no chance of getting away from him and he would not stop no matter how much I told him no. I was scared and couldn’t get away. He was so big and I was at such a disadvantage as I was pinned under him on the sofa in an empty house. He was at least 200 pounds. A BIG guy. At the time, I was barely over 100 pounds and 5’5″ and had no skills for defense. I had never been so happy to hear a knock on the door until that night. One of my roommates came back. I have no idea why but I have been so grateful for it. The guy jumped off of me and I sped home. I did tell my roommate what happened and thanked him so much for coming back. I never spoke to the neighbor again and avoided him the rest of the time I was in school.

I never reported the incident. I only spoke of it to a few people. I knew it would be his word against mine. I didn’t want to go through the hassle or any of the shit that goes with it. I didn’t want to have people say that I shouldn’t have put myself in that position. I didn’t want to hear how it was my fault. I didn’t want my sexual promiscuity to be used against me. I knew I had no proof. My roommate didn’t see anything, he just knew how glad I was to see him and what I told him. I did share with a couple of female friends and found out that he had done the same with a couple of friends of mine but they chose not to report either. Being a reporting female, especially back then was so bad but I do not know if it has gotten any better.

I blocked out so much of the event. I do not remember his name, I just remember that he was a lot bigger than I was. I remember the house. When I drive by it, I always remember it. I don’t remember what he looked like but I remember the layout of the room. I remember the smells. Would I remember his name if I heard it? Would I remember his face if I saw it? I do not know but I do know that it happened. I have shared with very few people in my life. Why share it? It does no good. I often have guilt for not reporting it as I am sure he has done it again but would my coming forward have stopped it or just ruined my life? I am just glad I got away before he raped me and it was “just a sexual assault”. It still traumatized me. It still made me very leery of men and trusting a man when I am getting to know them. I thought he was my friend.

I am Fifty One now.

#metoo

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They say the third time is the charm. Three times you are out. I think that Broncos Fan just blew any chance with me. I shared previously how he blew me off on my birthday. 

We worked past that but it definitely make me look at things with him differently. Things had started off so good and I actually thought that we might develop into something. After that incident, I stepped back and decided that I really needed to take it slow with him. I am so glad that I changed my tone. He has now blown me off not once, not twice, not even three times but FOUR!!!! My birthday was bad enough but I wasn’t heartbroken. I mentioned that we were supposed to get together that Tuesday. I messaged him asking about the plans and he cancelled on me. He stated that he had to be in town at 0730 the next morning so didn’t think he could handle going out. I let him off the hook but I was really bothered. I live thirty minutes farther from town than he does. If we had gone out, I would have gotten home later than him and had to be at work in town at 0800 the next morning. He would been home more than an hour longer than I would have been so I felt he wimped out on me. The third time he flaked out on me was something coming up this weekend. My family has access to Denver Broncos tickets. I had invited him to go to the game with me this Sunday. He originally said yes and was supposedly excited to join me.  I put in for a vacation day on Monday and it was a date. He was looking for a new job and was lucky to find one pretty quickly BUT when he took the job, he had his start day be this Monday. I do know that maybe there wasn’t a choice BUT usually when you start a job, you can say, I have plans on such and such a day, can I start the next day. I have never had that be a problem when I was hired somewhere. I decided to let it go  but due to having some other problems, I almost had to cancel the trip, I got things worked out and a friend of mine is going with me. Tonight was the last one, He has been out of town for a week. We haven’t seen each other since the 1st. He called me last night and said he wanted to see me before I left town tomorrow. We planned a date for tonight. I think all we were going to do was hang at his place and watch some television and then I would have driven my 30 minutes home to my place to drive to Denver (almost 6 hours) tomorrow. This morning, he texts me and told me that today was going to be too busy for him and he was going to have to cancel. I told him okay but was not a happy woman.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend and I had a girls day. We talked a lot about our kids and their relationships. One of the things that she said that wishes that she could get her kids to realize is that what we see at the beginning is the best it is going to be. If someone is unreliable at the beginning that is not going to get better. I remember thinking then that it was a wise thing for all of us single people to remember. Broncos Fan is a nice man but he is not wanting to make sacrifices or make the time to spend it with me. If it were important to him, he would. I think maybe he was right when he said that we should just be friends. I can enjoy watching football with him but the man that I want to date wants to make time to be with me. I need to let him know this but first, I am heading out of town for a few days.  I deserve a man that puts me first and shows that I am important to him.

So much has happened since my last post. Two weekends ago, I had a date with Broncos fan. We went to a bar after work and had a couple of drinks and then went back to his place. We fooled around a bit but talked more than anything.  Eventually, he asked me to be his girl but I told him no. It had been less than a week since he told me that he wasn’t sure he wanted to date. He is not ready and I am not ready for a commitment with anyone.  We went to his bed to watch a film in bed but we couldn’t find anything on the tv that we wanted to watch. He had me roll over and gave me a massage until I fell asleep. We were supposed to go hiking the next day but when we woke up, it was cloudy and raining. He had an errand to run and afterwards, we decided since the weather wasn’t conducive to hiking, we stayed in and watched films all day. We had a nice relaxing day. We did eventually have sex but, unfortunately, I am not thrilled with a few things about him physically. One, he  is very hairy. I honestly do not know if I can get used to that. He also wears a semi-permanent hair piece that feels weird to touch. I think I would rather have a bald man than one with obvious lines that you feel when you touch their hair. He is sweet and we never run out of things to say but he has shown himself to be a bit fickle and unreliable. He has flaked out three times in the one month since we went on our first date.  He is also a perfect gentleman, holds doors, walks on the street side, and stands when I enter a room. He makes me laugh. He has made three CD’s for me of music that he wanted to share with me. He gave me a couple Broncos things that I will treasure. He talks too much and interrupts often but he does seem to care about how I feel about things and when I pointed out that he interrupts a bit, he has consciously tried to be aware of it. He has been out of town for a week. We have texted a bit but he was learning his new job and I was busy over the weekend and at work this week so we haven’t talked much. We might be able to  get together before I leave town Saturday, depending on wen he gets back. I am real glad that he flaked out on me quickly as it has made me take this one real slow and not rush things. I am going in with my eyes open. Next…..the date with the Pilot.

When I was talking to Broncos Fan the other day, he was asking a little bit about my dating history. I have noticed that often times men do this. I am not sure why. I eventually want to know if they understand why previous relationships have failed but I do not want to know who they have dated, how many they have slept with or any details like that. I want to know if they have learned from their mistakes or if they only blame the ex for the break ups (red flag). If I meet an ex of theirs, I assume that they at least tried to have sex. I don’t need to know details. I don’t care how many women they have slept with as long as it was consensual and not cheating on someone else. I wonder if most men feel the same way. I will admit that I have had sex with more than the average woman has. Before I was married, it was how I was looking for love. I had horrible self esteem and thought it was the only way a man would ever love me. In turn, I often felt used and ended up feeling worse about myself. I didn’t enjoy sex. I thought it was gross. I was raised Catholic. Sex was something you had to do with your husband to have kids but you aren’t supposed to enjoy it. I never did. I was a prude. I had sex to be loved but I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t play. I didn’t do much, definitely not blow jobs.

I got married and had an okay sex life at the beginning but then he got heavy and quit taking care of himself. He could go days without brushing his teeth and even with hard sweaty labor, rarely took a shower on the weekends. Now sex was not only a gross chore but it was with someone gross. Our sex life became nil. I remember crying myself to sleep after sex many times as I felt so empty afterwords. I felt from early in our marriage that he didn’t care who he was with as long as he was getting sex. By the time we got divorced, I never thought I would have sex again and didn’t care. I eventually had sex about six months later. It was fun but I still had my hangups about sex but then I met BFF/ex-bf.

He was clean, he was fun. I still think that he is sexy as hell and sex was GREAT. Funny thing about it is, as a typical over 50 man, things didn’t always work but it was always wonderful and fun. I learned that sex is fun and can be enjoyable for both parties. It is not just a chore. I learned that there are men that really enjoy pleasing the woman. My standards went up and now I love sex. I felt sexy and beautiful for the first time in my life, even while naked.

I am definitely not a prude and I am not going to go without if I am not with anyone. Does a man really want to know who I have slept with or how many? I am brutally honest. I am not going to lie about it so if they ask me, I will answer truthfully. I am not ashamed of my sexuality. It took me to almost fifty before I learned to enjoy one of the most natural things we mammals get to experience. Broncos fan asked a couple of things and I answered truthfully. I don’t even remember what it was but he jokingly said I was a slut. I said, “Yes, I know.” He stopped and said that he didn’t want me to be a slut. I wonder if he will be able to handle the truth if he keeps asking things. I won’t lie or hide things from him but I am also not going to volunteer everything. I told him not to ask anything he doesn’t want to know the answer to.

After the coffee/walk date on Sunday, Bronco fan texted me and told me that he had reservations about kissing me as he wasn’t sure what it meant. I texted him back and told him that it didn’t mean anything more than he liked me and is attracted to me. I told him that it didn’t change anything or any expectations and that I wanted to kiss him, too. We agreed to hang out and take it slowly.  Last night was really nice. I went to his place after work and he had made a dinner for us. We watched a show from ESPN on YouTube about John Elway and just chilled and talked while we ate.  After dinner, we started talking, cuddling and making out. As horny as I am, I am not pushing sex with him. If he struggles with what a kiss means, I can only imagine what sex would do to his confusion. I do not need him either running away because we have sex or declaring his love already. He is apt to do either. I always have an overnight bag in my car as I live 30 minutes from town. If I need to crash in town for some reason, I am always prepared but he doesn’t know that yet. I actually wouldn’t have minded just sleeping at his place last night as I got home real late and am very tired today but it is probably best.

We did make out a lot and discussed a bit about previous dating. I saw a tab on his PC open with Zoosk when he was setting up the show so that opened up conversation. I shared things that he asked but also told him that I will not lie to him so do not ask anything he doesn’t want the answer to. I won’t overshare either. I have gone on a lot of  first dates since my divorce, fewer second dates, have had a few short flings, one boyfriend, and a couple FWB. If he wants to know these things, he will be told honestly but I do not think I need to share voluntarily at this time.

I teased him a bit about being okay with kissing me. He said he changed his mind and that he was being the “girl” in our relationship. I quickly reminded him that there is no relationship at this time. We actually discussed a little about no commitment and no expectations. I am not ready to make a commitment to him and I mentioned to him about someone else asking me out on Monday. He said that it was okay and I told him he could do the same.

We are making plans for this weekend. I am not sure what but I do really enjoy being with him. There are things that I am not sure wouldn’t drive me crazy long term. We will see. He is a non-stop talker. I am not used to that but he is so kind, polite, and gentle. He is a good man and I forgive him for what he did on my birthday. He is just not sure what he wants and that enabled me to slow down and not screw up either.

This past week has been quite interesting. I was so upset after I was friend-zoned by Broncos fan on Monday night. My stress jumped up and my inflammation sky-rocketed. I was hurting physically and mentally all week. Broncos fan had said he wanted to be friends so I decided to just act like friends. He has applied for a job at our local post office and I saw something about them needing to hire a lot of people and asked if he had heard anything. He told me he hadn’t yet and asked if I knew anyone. I just happen to know the local postmaster and told him I would ask him to look at the application. I cannot get someone a job BUT I can bring their name to the bosses attention. We talked a few times over the week but not a lot. I did tell him that I wanted to talk in person so we set a date for a walk and coffee on Sunday morning.

In the mean time, I was feeling very lonely and horny and sad. My married guy set up a date with me on Friday night. I thought we were only meeting for a drink but I so needed some companionship. He had plans that night with clients and I had a party to go to and we were going to meet afterwards. I went to my event and didn’t hear from him. When I left, I texted him and his clients had cancelled and he had gone home and forgot about our date. I am done with him. I understand that I cannot be his priority but he forgot me. He apologized but I haven’t heard from him again. He was the only one from the past that I felt that I could still be a FWB with. Nope.

My weekend did have quite an interesting turn though. The event on Friday night was a VIP party for our local Brewfest. I splurge every year for this since my divorce. I love the event and there are a few people that I only see there. I am talking to my friends and these guys walk by me, one is quite tall and catches my eye. The other one sees me and asks if we have met before.  I will call him The Pilot. He comes up for this Brewfest every year so it is possible. We chat for a while but this was a short event as the big party was on Saturday all day. I left a little disappointed that we did not talk longer. He was cute and friendly. His son, the tall one, was nice, too but I was definitely attracted to dad. Saturday, I ran into them a few times and we talked a lot. Eventually, we decided to have a drink after the event and exchanged phone numbers. We met at a local bar that I go to frequently. He bought me a drink but after five hours of beer, I had no desire to drink anymore so we just talked for a while. It turned out that we were so comfortable with each other. At some point, we kissed and I asked if we could go back to his hotel room. I don’t normally do this but I sure needed the physical touch. We fooled around quite a bit but between his nerves and too much beer we were not able to complete the act but it was so much FUN. He made me laugh, we played, we snuggled. He asked if he could fly up again to see me. He walked me back to the bar where my kiddo drove me home and back in the next day for my coffee date with Broncos Fan.

That went real well. It was a little awkward at first but we are so comfy with each other. Eventually, we discussed what happened with us and he told me that even his friend chewed him out for what he did. He was told that he started things and was very flirtatious with me. I agreed with that and he apologized. We walked the river walk a bit, held hands and even kissed a bit. We went back to his car and had a very nice kiss goodbye after he asked me for a date. He is cooking me dinner on Tuesday.

So, I guess it is feast or famine. I now have a date with Broncos fan on Tuesday and we are going to “hang out” with no expectations or commitments for now and The Pilot is coming back on September 8th to spend the weekend with me. I wonder if either of these guys are my future. I am not going to rush either of them but they are both fun, cute, and obviously enjoy being with me. There are pros and cons of both of them. The pilot lives a ways away but can be here in a couple of hours and can whisk me away places. He was talking about Mexico the other day. I need a beach occasionally. He is a little younger but not much. Broncos fan has so many pluses. I will just take it one day, text, date at a time and see where things go.

I am so tired…….

I am tired of being strong…

I am tired of being completely independent…

I am tired of pretending that I am okay all the time….

I am tired of being alone…..

I am tired of having to do everything….

I am tired of pain, physical and emotional…..

I am tired of no one loving me….

I am tired of being rejected….

I am tired of not being held….

I am tired of not being kissed….

I am tired of not having someone to lean on….

I am tired of not having someone to discuss things with….

I am tired of not having sex….

I am tired of struggling…..

I am tired of going everywhere solo….

I am tired of having no one to do things for…..

I am tired of not being loved….

I am tired of sleeping alone every night….

I am tired  of pretending my life has a purpose…

I am tired of hoping that someday someone will care….

I am tired of crying alone….

I am tired of the only one happy that I come home is my dog….

I am tired of having no one to trust….

I am tired of having no purpose or meaning….

I am tired of seeing my life will never get better or change….

I am tired of trying….

I am tired of my life…

But I must go on, why????

Because I love my kids so I have to continue whether I want to or not and I do not have the courage to do stop.

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