Honesty


So many of my male friends are shocked by the #metoo stories and how many women they know with stories. Somany of them are asking what they can or should do, this is a good read regarding this.

 

#MeToo testimonies are flooding our social media feeds. For men, realizing complicity can be uncomfortable. On seeing this discomfort as a challenge.

Source: For Guys Reading #MeToo Testimonies — Courtney Martin | On Being

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I adore ice cream guy when I am with him but when I am not, I am constantly trying to talk myself out of liking him. I know in my head that he is not the right guy long term and it stinks. We so enjoy our time together BUT he is the most unsocial person that I know. He won’t even consider going to my game nights with me.  I thought it was just because he isn’t a gamer but then he also won’t even consider going to Rocky Horror Live. Again, I figured Rocky wasn’t his thing. I then invited him to a party for Halloween and he also said no, not his thing. He doesn’t like things with crowds or small talk. I spent the last ten years of my marriage wanting to do things and the ex wouldn’t. I am now comfortable doing things by myself but do I want to forever? No, not really. We did discuss this a little and I think we both know this  is a long term problem

He also is more broke than I am. I am not looking for a sugar daddy or a man to support me but one that can afford to do something occasionally would be nice. He also doesn’t seem to follow through on things. We were supposed to go on a trip to Moab. I told him that I wanted to go on a trip and he said that would be fun and asked if he could come along. I thought that would be great. Since he  knows the area, he started looking for a place to stay and we talked about options a few times. The trip was supposed to be last weekend. We didn’t go anywhere. We were supposed to go ice skating today. I asked him to find out when the open skate was since it was something that he really wanted to do. He checked less than an hour before it started. I live 45 minutes away so that was unable to be there. It is now seven PM on Saturday night and I am home alone. This is my third weekend in a row not doing anything. He did come over last Friday night but except for a few minutes after work a couple of nights this week, I haven’t had any time with him since. I guess I was seeing something that wasn’t there. I haven’t even heard from him since I told him that tomorrows time is not good for me. I wish he wasn’t so great when we are together but I know I need more than he is currently giving me. I don’t know if he will ever be willing or able to give me more.

In the mean time, I am receiving text from other men wanting to spend time with me, including BF/ex-bf. We actually had a night out last night. We talked about US. He is wanting to spend time together again.I had to tell him that I cannot let myself fall in love with him again if he cannot love me. He asked me why I said that. I think he is truly thinking about trying again. I will always love him. He has never hurt me. I trust him implicitly. My kids love him. He is part of the family. I am terrified to give us a chance again and told him so. I did stay with him last night and we snuggled all night. It felt like being home.

I think that I am going to stick with being single for a while and just see what happens. I really don’t want to answer to anyone or have anyone have any control of me and my activities. It is easier to be alone and make my own decisions an just enjoy my life with whom I want to be with when  want to be with them. I actually thought that there was hope with the ice cream guy and I am really disappointed that I was wrong but I would rather learn that now than after I am fully invested in him. Time to move on again.

As I walk the streets everyday, I have lots of things go through my mind. I don’t know why yesterday my reflection seemed to be how much I’ve grown. On Facebook, you can see your “on this day” in the past. I tend to look at these daily. Some are good, some are bad, many make me really see how far that I have come.  As I’m looking at these from four years ago, right after my divorce, I was struggling to eat, get out of bed, to go to work. I had done most of my crying before the divorce was final but I was terrified of being on my own.  I had grown so dependent on the ex because he thought he did everything better than me. I had quit trying to do things because it was easier to let him do things than to be criticized for doing things wrong. My self-confidence was in the toilet.  I never thought I could get a decent job because I gave up my career when I got married.  I never went back to college. I was a full-time at home mom for a long time. I loved being home with my kids.  I love the relationship I have with them now, probably due to that but I will always regret giving up my career.

Here I am four years later, I am feeling happier and  more self confident than I’ve ever felt in my life. I think when I first started dating that I was looking for somebody to take care of me. I no longer want nor need that. I’ve had men tell me that I was too strong and independent for them. Who would have thought that would be an issue for me four years ago. I don’t want a man that can’t handle my independence, that can’t handle my strength, that wants to be the man and take care of everything. I will never give up my independence again.  Now I’ve met a new man, the ice cream man, and he seems to really like my strength. I told him about other men saying I was too strong and independent. He said that he doesn’t see that. He likes it.

I am so surprised by my emotions today. R is such a wonderful man He owns a carpet cleaning business and even though we haven’t been a couple in so long, came over to do my bedroom for free. I actually asked him how much and he said he wouldn’t charge me. Today, he comes over on his day off and cleans my bedroom and my sofa and futon in the Bronco/TV room.

We sit down afterwards and have some lemonade  and talk. He asks me about the ice cream man. That is what everyone has dubbed the new guy so I guess that is his moniker here. I told him a little as how well things are going. We chatted a bit and then he packed up his equipment and we hugged. I told him that I love him and for the first time he told me the same. I just started crying and told him that I know. I have always known. Damn, I am such a big baby. We dated for about four weeks in winter of 2016. I knew we didn’t have a future very early as he told me that something was missing and he didn’t  know what. We have had so many good times but we have never really been a couple. He is one of the best people that I have ever known. It is difficult to move on but it is time. He dated someone else for a couple of months this summer and I finally met someone worth giving a chance. I have met several of his siblings and adore them all. I guess there was a part of me that thought things would change. He kid loves me, too. I will always love him but for now, it is time to truly try and move on. I couldn’t kiss him when he was here. That is the first  time that I haven’t wanted to kiss him since we met in January of 2016. I hate emotions sometimes. I am the one moving on. I am crazy about the ice cream guy. I can see a possible future with him.

Why am I crying so much over R? Maybe I loved him more than I realized. Maybe, it is fear of our future as friend. Maybe it is fear of change. He has been here for me for so long. Maybe it is because, he hasn’t found someone and I want him to be happy. I feel like I am abandoning him. His kid is with the mom now and his dog is dying slowly. I don’t want him to be alone. I do love him and always will. I want to be with the ice cream man now. I think there could be a future. Why was it so hard to let R go today? I felt like we were breaking up. He wiped my tears away and hugged me tighter. Maybe he had become a security blanket for me.  I don’t know but I have been crying off and on since he left my house.  I want us both to be happy. Love is so damn confusing.

I have been spending a bit of time with ex-bf/bff  lately. It has been so nice to have time with him alone. I have missed talking to him so much. I have mentioned that he and his girlfriend broke up the beginning of July and he also lost his dog the same week. I was worried about him for a bit but he seems to be doing well now. He has been going to some personal growth retreats and he is really working on getting over his baggage. I sure hope that someday he can truly find happiness with himself so he can find it with somebody else. I will always love him but, unfortunately, I cannot go back to him, even if he asked. We did fool around on my birthday. It was nice to be back in his arms and kiss him again. It would  have been easy to open my heart back to him but I refuse to. As I have said before, I believe that love is a choice. I won’t give my heart back to him at this point and I have told him that. I choose not to love him like that again unless he is ready to let me in. Even then, it would not be a given. I would have to really think about it. He would have to earn me back.  I love how honest we are with each other. I love that I can tell him these things and he tells me that he still worries about hurting me when he is with someone else.

Last weekend, we went on a hike to a natural hot springs. Yes, we soaked naked. It was so nice sitting next in the hot springs with the cold river flowing by.  We have talked so much about our growth since we split up. I know the things he has done and he asked me what I have done. He also thinks that some of what I say is just words because I still occasionally say that I want a man. I have explained to him that those times are actually few anymore. I like my space. I love my freedom. So many times, I hear couples on the street and think to myself how glad I am not to be in a relationship. Even as few as a few months ago, I would sometimes get sad when I saw a couple holding hands walking down the street. Now, I really feel nothing. Not anger and pity, like I felt right after my divorce. I was such a cynic and was sure that they were all making a mistake in trusting and loving. I also, not longer feel sad because I am alone. I feel happy for them and hope it lasts. I do sometimes wonder if I will ever find that BUT it is truly not a concern anymore.

So, what have I done to grow? I have been thinking about that since he asked. One is that I spend so much time alone that I can think. Most of my workday, I spend thinking about my life and reflecting. I also blog here. This is so good for me. Not only is it journaling but I get feedback and see my feelings are normal and others feel the same way. I read LOTS of books and blogs. I am exercising not just at work but weight lifting again. I have loved that since I was a teen and haven’t done for years. I love how it makes me feel mentally and physically.  I am also spending more time with friends and reconnecting with people. My birthday helped with that. When you are content with your life and yourself, a partner becomes less important.

One of the things that I thought about the other day is WHY am  I so content alone right now? Of course, there is the standard, I can do what I want, when I want, without anyone having any say or worrying about being criticized for my choices and feelings as I did for years. My big AHA moment came the other day though. I had been dwelling on this for days and it just popped into my head. For the first time in my life, I am taking care of ME only. I am 50 years old and don’t need to take care of anyone but me and my puppies. Of course, I am still here for my kids but I am my priority for the first time. It is such a free feeling. I can go hike with my ex-bf, get naked and sit in a hot spring. I can go have beer with a friend. I can sit on my couch naked and blog. I can go to bed at 7 or at midnight. I can have ice cream for breakfast or dinner, if I choose. I am fifty years old and feel better physically and mentally than I did at 35. I am healthier. I am fit. I am sexy. I am beautiful and strong. I am independent. I am not lonely at all. I plan to continue growing and getting better with age. We all should.

My life has been super crazy the past few weeks. I have a lot to share and blog about but right now my focus is my birthday. I turn 50 on Saturday. I don’t know why we focus so much on decades but we do. I have been thinking a lot about the last ten years. Ten years ago was one of the most difficult of my life. We had the year of the deaths and it was when my marriage really started falling apart. I got depressed again and really had no motivation to live. I changed jobs thinking it would help my marriage. It didn’t. I started drinking very heavily and was not sure if I wanted to go forward. My children did throw me a great birthday party for my fortieth. It is a great memory. They threw me a massive surprise party. I had friends and family from all over the country surprise me here at my house. We had a band, food, and overall a great time. That was my last good birthday as a married woman. My ex-husband was never much about celebrating birthdays so there were only a few even decent ones while I was married.

I now look back at the past ten years and remember all the heartbreak I had when my marriage dissolved and several more people dying that I cared about. It has been rough in many ways but, in others, it has been great. I now look back at my divorce as one of the best things that ever happened to me. It took me a long time to realize that but I sure have. Since the divorce, I have grown so much. I am now stronger and healthier and happier than I have been in probably fifteen years. I feel better than in years. I look great. I am stronger and in much better shape than I was ten years ago. I no longer feel like I need someone to take care of me. I find my own solutions to my problems. I have a job that a love, a complete new set of friends, and my kids love me. I am lifting weights again. I no longer have breathing issues or chronic pain. I am sleeping better. I have gotten used to being solo most of the time and it doesn’t bother me. I honestly feel that IF I end up with someone, they will be so lucky to have me. I am actually better emotionally than I ever have been in my life. It took fifty years to get to where I really and truly love myself and am confident and happy.

A couple of weeks ago, I was very sad that my birthday was coming up and I was going to spend it alone but now I am not. I had one girlfriend take the bull by the horns and now several of us are meeting at the local steakhouse. I will get 50% off my meal and then we will hit the town. My ex-bf/ bff is coming as well as several others. I am actually excited for my day again. I won’t be alone to ring in my next decade. I will be with people that love ME for me and accept me for ME. FIFTY is going to be a great year and I am like a fine wine, I am going to keep getting better with age.

Last weekend, I had a bad emotional breakdown. I had plans that went to hell and triggered this all. I was supposed to go work for a few hours and then meet a friend at the river  and play for a few hours. Earlier in the week, I had posted on Facebook that I wanted to play this weekend, either hike or paddle. This friend had said, sure. I was so excited to hang with him and get on the river. It was hot and muggy (for Durango) this past week and I had been looking forward to the cool water. When my alarm went off, I looked at my phone and had a text from my friend cancelling. I was bummed but not heartbroken until time passed. One of my feet was real sore so I didn’t feel that hiking was a wise move and you don’t play on the river alone. I asked my kids and they, of course, said no. I decided to just ride in with the kiddo and do my work when she was at her job. As we were driving in, I just lost it. I started sobbing and feeling sorry for myself. I sure hate when I get that way. For the most part, I am so happy now but when I cannot find ANYONE to go do something, I feel alone. I also have been so worried about the kiddo. She has been battling depression and suicidal thoughts for years. When I asked her the other day where she thought she would be in twenty years, she said dead. Well, that was NOT encouraging. She has no goals or dreams. I don’t know how to help her. She sees a doc occasionally. She is on meds but still has no oomph. I can barely get her out of her room except for work.  She has been through quite a few jobs in the past couple of years but for the most part has always been working. She lives with me and is supposed to pay a measly $300 in rent, her car payment, her car insurance, and her part of the cell phone, She is 22 and has chosen to not go to school at this time. Until last fall, she was having no problem covering her expenses but then her depression and anxiety got in the way and she lost a good job. She did a no call no show because she didn’t know how to deal with something going on there. Ever since then, she has been getting further and further behind in what she owes me. I won’t support her and  cannot support her. Due to her issues, I am starting to sink financially, too. She started a new job about six weeks ago and was told it would be 30 hours a week. With that, she would be able to cover her expenses AND catch up but they have not been giving er even close to that. Instead she has been working about ten hours a week. Not even enough to cover her bills, not including rent. I have been stressing about her mental health as well as my finances. I am trying so hard. I have a side job that is earning me $60-80 a week. It has helped a lot. I started this the same time she started her newest job. I have been telling her for weeks to talk to her boss about her hours but she wouldn’t do it. She hates confrontation. I try to  not let her know how much her situation stresses me out as I don’t want to push her over the edge. As I am sitting there crying, I am thinking to myself that I am pushing her with the breakdown which makes me feel worse. I have no one I can talk to about her situation. I cannot talk to the dad. We do not communicate at all. Everyone has so many words of advice but basically they do not understand her mental health.  I am feeling alone. I really wish I had a best friend here. Not having a man would be a lot more bearable. I dropped her off at work and pulled myself together for my PT job but was down all day. I did get some encouragement as she did finally talk to her boss and had about thirty hours this week. If she can keep this job, things will look up and she seems to like this one. I hope that things are looking up and we can turn things around. I am  hoping I can get out of this funk that I am in.

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