holidays


I had such a great birthday. The celebration culminated last night and now it is time to recover. The actual day was fabulous. I went to town and got my hair done. I like getting highlights and hadn’t done so in a long time to decided to spoil myself. Got a nice cut and felt beautiful. Afterwards, I went to Starbucks to get a coffee and read a bit when one of my friends that was joining me for dinner texted me. She had gotten into town early, too, and needed to blow time. We live in the adjoining town about 25 miles away. She joined me for coffee and then we went to Ex-bf/bff house for me to finish getting ready. The  fun was ready to begin.

We headed back into town to meet the rest at the restaurant. We get seated and are waiting for the rest of the group to show up when an older couple walk in, each carrying a yellow rose. They come over to me, wish me a happy birthday and hand me the roses. I had no idea who they were. Then someone else came in with a rose, then another. Eventually, I realized that my friend and his girlfriend (she had stayed outside) were doing this. I ended up getting 50 flowers delivered to me by random strangers on the street. I had not expected (nor really wanted gifts) but everyone brought something. Ex-bff gave me a backpacking tent. R came and brought me a bottle of one of my favorite wines. My girlfriends gave me a journal, candle, travel mug, and a flask filled with rum. My kiddo came in after work and brought in a Baskin Robbins cake. The crew paid for my dinner (also not expected) and then we all had cake. I was real surprised to have a friend that moved away show up unexpected. She was in town and did some stalking to find out where I was. I felt so loved. I realized that I will never be alone here. I have family that are not related. Next time that I feel down or lonely, I know that I can call each of those people and probably others. After dinner, most went home but four of us went out on the town. We hit a few bars and the pool hall.

The next day, I went to Ex-bf house and we went down the river in our duckies. I will admit that we did fool around a bit. I was tired and took a nap and he joined me. He wanted to give me the physical attention for my birthday, too. I fell in love with him on my birthday three years ago. I did realize that I am truly over him though. My romantic feelings aren’t there for him at this point. I do still love him and wouldn’t mind if we found our way back to each other but I realize that until HE is emotionally healthy that I do not want him.  That was very eye opening for me.

I have continued to celebrate all week. My mom and sister came down to bring my nephew his things and we had a great time together. We even ended up at the same restaurant one night and the bartenders had ice cream brought out to me and everyone sang to me. If this past week is any indication, this year will be a great one. A big part of that is my attitude. I love that I am finally comfortable alone. I keep turning down dates because I have something else I would rather do. I have come a long way in four years. My divorce was final August 23, 2013 so I also celebrate my Freedom day during my birthday every year now.

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My life has been super crazy the past few weeks. I have a lot to share and blog about but right now my focus is my birthday. I turn 50 on Saturday. I don’t know why we focus so much on decades but we do. I have been thinking a lot about the last ten years. Ten years ago was one of the most difficult of my life. We had the year of the deaths and it was when my marriage really started falling apart. I got depressed again and really had no motivation to live. I changed jobs thinking it would help my marriage. It didn’t. I started drinking very heavily and was not sure if I wanted to go forward. My children did throw me a great birthday party for my fortieth. It is a great memory. They threw me a massive surprise party. I had friends and family from all over the country surprise me here at my house. We had a band, food, and overall a great time. That was my last good birthday as a married woman. My ex-husband was never much about celebrating birthdays so there were only a few even decent ones while I was married.

I now look back at the past ten years and remember all the heartbreak I had when my marriage dissolved and several more people dying that I cared about. It has been rough in many ways but, in others, it has been great. I now look back at my divorce as one of the best things that ever happened to me. It took me a long time to realize that but I sure have. Since the divorce, I have grown so much. I am now stronger and healthier and happier than I have been in probably fifteen years. I feel better than in years. I look great. I am stronger and in much better shape than I was ten years ago. I no longer feel like I need someone to take care of me. I find my own solutions to my problems. I have a job that a love, a complete new set of friends, and my kids love me. I am lifting weights again. I no longer have breathing issues or chronic pain. I am sleeping better. I have gotten used to being solo most of the time and it doesn’t bother me. I honestly feel that IF I end up with someone, they will be so lucky to have me. I am actually better emotionally than I ever have been in my life. It took fifty years to get to where I really and truly love myself and am confident and happy.

A couple of weeks ago, I was very sad that my birthday was coming up and I was going to spend it alone but now I am not. I had one girlfriend take the bull by the horns and now several of us are meeting at the local steakhouse. I will get 50% off my meal and then we will hit the town. My ex-bf/ bff is coming as well as several others. I am actually excited for my day again. I won’t be alone to ring in my next decade. I will be with people that love ME for me and accept me for ME. FIFTY is going to be a great year and I am like a fine wine, I am going to keep getting better with age.

Here I am sitting in my den with my dogs, alone, on a holiday. The kids are at work. There are events going on, of course, but I really didn’t feel like going to these alone.  This is such a family day. My friends are with their families and I have my dogs. I guess this is a good day to get some  things done around the house and get some blogs written.

It is funny how most of the time I am not lonely anymore. I am truly content being alone most of the time.  can do what I want, when i want. Read, watch TV, take a walk, ride my motorcycle. Eat dessert for breakfast. cook if I choose, I really do enjoy the freedom BUT there are times that it is super lonely and things that I really miss. I miss family meals. For twenty-three years, we had a sit down meal almost every night. We would laugh, talk, share our day, dreams, etc. I miss that so much that it sometimes hurts. Now I get that rarely. I eat by myself most of the time. I am most  lonely when my emotions are high. When I am super sad or excited about something, I miss having a partner to share things with. I miss having someone to run things by before a decision is made. I do not miss them telling me what I can do but advice and a helpful ear is definitely missed. I miss having someone to share fun and bad times with. I miss having someone that is my best friend in all ways. Good thing that my pup listens well. 😉

Today I am lonely. I wish I had someone to BBQ with, to drink a beer or two with. To snuggle with and watch fireworks. Instead, I am home….alone….. and will be until I go to bed. I tried to stay up and positive today but as the day goes on, it is getting worse. Oh well, this is now my life. I need to get used to it.

This day has always been such a difficult day. Before I was married, it seemed I was always alone during this holiday. When you are single, this is a day to remind you how alone you really are. When you are in a relationship, it can be good or bad, depending on the relationship and your partner’s attitude towards the holiday. My ex-husband was not a romantic man at all. He would give me a card from time to time. I think he gave me flowers a couple of times in our marriage. He told me he didn’t give flowers since his mother didn’t like getting flowers. I love getting flowers and let him know that very early in our relationship. I got to where I hated Valentine’s Day. I even got to where I dreaded our anniversary and my birthday (which I love normally) because I always felt neglected. He was a man that never seemed to appreciate anything that I gave him. It was difficult to give him gifts so I got to the point that I dreaded trying to give him anything. One of our last Valentine’s Days together, he came home, threw a single rose on the table as he walked by and told me “Here is your VD flower.” Such a romantic gesture. I just sank inside. Four years ago, I spent the day in divorce court. I couldn’t believe they did that on Valentine’s Day. I was a mess. That has definitely made the holiday more difficult.

Since the divorce, I have been trying so hard to get over the emotional damage from my marriage. My first Valentine’s Day after the divorce, I went skiing with a guy I had gone out with a few times. He made reservations at the restaurant at the top of the mountain to surprise me. He knew my history and he was so romantic that day and definitely made it easier. The next year, I was with the ex-boyfriend getting ready to go on a cruise. Last year, I was dating R. I don’t think we did anything special but this holiday has been better the past few years. Here it is again, around the corner and I am single as can be. I have been feeling a bit down about men and love and seeing all the ads for the local specials. I actually signed up for speed dating that night.

This afternoon, I received a message from A asking for a date for dinner on Monday. I said yes and that would be nice. He told me that since he had to work on Tuesday, it would be our Valentine’s Day date. I was very surprised. He does not know my history so it makes it extra special. I am confused though by his actions. One week, I feel he isn’t interested and the next, he does this. I think he is a very sweet man. I wonder how he actually feels about me. At least, I will have a nice dinner with a good looking man for Valentine’s Day and the speed dating the actual night should be interesting.

 

Well, I am sitting here with my son watching television on New Years Eve. The past two years I was with ex-bf. It is actually strange not seeing him at all today. We did talk and it is so nice to hear him so happy and in love, though I have to admit that I am a little jealous that he has found love and I am alone. I am sad that he was unable to find it with me. I guess I will have my puppy to hold all night.

I did have a great night last night with R. I wish we could have had it tonight. It would have definitely helped me get through this damn holiday. We ended up at one of the local hot springs and then his place. We had dinner and watched a movie. We snuggled and more and he held me all night. It was so nice to wake up still in his arms this morning. He is such a sweet, gentle, and kind man. It is really unfortunate that we haven’t had a deeper connection. Whomever he ends up with will be a very lucky woman. In the mean time, I will enjoy our occasional nights together and our support of each other and our friendship. I do love him but not in the way needed and he is the same way with me. Something is missing and neither of us know what. We have discussed how unfortunate it is that things haven’t changed between us. We both wish that we could change that. I do think that if he were to fall in love with me, I could possibly put down a wall and fall for him, too. Oh well, the wall is there to protect me. It would be real sad if what is keeping us apart is our both protecting ourselves. I never thought I could be with someone that doesn’t talk much but, though he is quiet, I am very comfortable with him. The way he looks at  me says everything. I know he cares about me. I know he finds me attractive. I know that he finds me desirable and enjoys my company. Oh well. I will enjoy what we have while we have it and look into those eyes and read them every chance I get.

Tomorrow is the beginning of a new year. I wonder what it will bring. I know it will bring challenges and rewards. I know it will bring tears and laughter. I know it will bring heartbreak and hopefully love. Thank you everyone for reading and commenting. I am glad to share and meet others going through similar things. We are stronger together.

The holidays are such a difficult time for so  many people for various reasons. One of the hardest things during the holidays is being single and alone. We are constantly reminded of coupledom: Jewelry commercials, movies, songs, etc.  Except for my first Christmas after my divorce, this was my first one being single since 1988. I still had my annual party. I was the only one, besides the kids, that was single.  I made it through it even with my ex-bf bringing his new girlfriend. Fortunately, and unfortunately, I really like her. It makes it easier to be happy for him but also less easy for me to secretly hope they don’t work out and he decides that I am perfect for him after all. I really do not want him back but there are moments that I do, especially when I am lonely and that has definitively occurred this season. I was speaking to R today and he was talking about his loneliness this season. We decided that, even though we don’t belong together, that we will be there for each other during lonely times until one of us finds someone else.

I have actually done pretty well this season but do admit that I am not thrilled to see Valentine’s Day stuff already out. I am sure I will blog about that at some time. I haven’t had a boyfriend since R last March. I almost had one with P in October but that was disastrous. I am proud of myself this year though. I have only cried a couple of times and actually enjoyed myself a lot. I do wish I had someone to ring in the new year with but that is not going to happen and I am mostly good with that. I know that this probably will not last forever but then I look at my mother. She is almost 76 and has been single for over 20 years. As far as I know, she hasn’t had a date or sex since her divorce. I do not want to be that way.  I have decided this month that I am no longer actively looking. I am just going to live my life and see what happens but I do hope that this was my last lonely holiday season. I do not like being alone during this time.

 

I just do not understand people. I have never understood why anyone would even try to cause trouble for other people.

My eldest came home today, she was not real happy and told me briefly how she had almost come home last night and she would tell me about it later. After she got settled in, she sat down and told us all about her few days with her father, his girlfriend that he has supported and lived with for almost two years (from now on called wfb), his brother, fiance and her kids. First thing that was amazing  is she said that she didn’t have any fights with her father.  They fight all the time and have had some horrendous fights over the years. She enjoyed her time with her uncle and his new family. She stated that wfb was awful  to her and she tried so hard to be nice to wfb. They have had trouble in the past but my  DD had decided that she didn’t want to hold onto the anger anymore and wanted to make things better. DD told me that wfb locked herself in her bedroom every day for hours, didn’t participate in family events, and eventually told the ex-husband that he had to choose between her and his family and went to a hotel room on Christmas.

I am just shocked by this. Why would any person, any parent ask their partner to choose between them and the partners family much less kids? Ex-bf has a son that he is estranged with. If I ever had the chance to meet him, I would have practically kissed his ass to make him like me and to try and fix things with his dad. I would be the same with his ex-wife, mother, brother and sister. I did not have the best relationship with the ex-husbands family but I always tried to be nice and civil to them. I never would have expected him to make a choice.  I even encouraged him to fix things with a brother that actually treated me like crap for 23 years.  I always want those I am with and love to be happy. I know our kids are older but you would think that she would want him to be happy and fix things with his kids.

She went on to tell me how much her dad has changed and even told her that he made many mistakes in our marriage. By the time she finished, she had me in tears. I was sad yet happy that he finally admitted he made mistakes and he is working on himself. If he had just made changes a few years ago, we would have made it. Yes, I am happy now but I did want and expect to be married forever. He left thinking that the grass was greener and now he is in a toxic relationship with a controlling bitch that is isolating him from his kids.Even with as bad as things have been with us, I have still encouraged our kids to give him a chance and not turn their backs on him. I did love him and ideally would like us to be able to be friendly with each other again and he have a good relationship with the kids. He told our daughter that he would choose her over wfb, I hope that he does make the right choice. She told him that she will not go back as long as wfb is there. She also told me that she enjoyed her time with her dad. This sure has been an interesting development. Maybe there is a chance for civility with us all. This may be a huge step for him and his kids.

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