Hobbies


Last weekend, I went on a short ice cream date when I went to visit my son. My son was at an event so I figured I would do something. The guy talked about how much he hated various things and ended up making a very racist remark to me and then told me how he is not racist. I left that “date” once again wondering why I even bother anymore. I love my life. Most of the time I am not lonely. Do I really want to bring someone into my life that is going to take my time away from the things that are important to me? From what I have seen since I started dating it most men want to change us into who they want us to be. I am not “good enough” for them for whatever reason OR they are not right for me. I keep meeting men that are religious (even though I am very clear that I won’t date a religious man), crude,  or needy. Is it so much to ask to find a man that is non-religious. We are now a large part of the community. Is it so much to ask to find a man that can speak in proper English (most of the time), reads books, listens to music, is athletic and takes care of himself and cares for humanity? He doesn’t have to match me 100% but there are some things that are very important to me. I want him to have teeth. I want him to be well kept. I don’t want to be with a fat man that does not take care of himself. I walk almost ten miles a day for work. I also do karate 2 times a week. I hike on weekends. I kayak, I love football. I do drink but can have fun without it. I ski. I don’t want a partner that wants to sit on his ass and watch TV all the time, though I do love to watch television and movies. I read a lot. I would love to have someone to share books and discuss books with. I am very liberal so a Trump supporter does not fit in my life but many of them ask me out because I am cute. I am fifty years old but don’t look it. I am about 120 pounds trying to gain muscle mass but I want more than a physical relationship. I want to be physically attracted to my partner. It would be great to find someone to go to Comic Con with, as well as brew fests, film festivals, and wine festivals. I have gotten so I am comfortable going by myself. Is that a good or bad thing. I am finding that the longer that I am single and alone, the less tolerant I am of partner issues. Last weekend, my mom and daughter also came to visit my son. We had four of us trying to decide where to eat. I am so used to making decisions without anyone’s input anymore. I was really having a hard time with the indecision. Finally I just said that I didn’t care where I went. I would have a beer at one place and a margarita at the other. That was when my mom finally put in an opinion. For breakfast the next day, I just made a decision. Will I ever be able to let someone completely into my life again? One of my concerns with men I meet are ones that have never been in a long relationship because I am afraid that they will not be able to handle the changes of one. Am I becoming that person? Am I doomed to be my mother and single the rest of my life? I love who I am and how I am growing in independence daily but it scares me, also. There are days or moments that I am lonely sometimes lonely as hell. Days that I just want someone to love me. Today is one of them. Here is it Mother’s Day and I am all alone. I have three great kids but they are grown. I am no longer the focus of their lives, as it should be. The oldest had the morning with her boyfriend and is at home 300 miles away right now. The middle one that lives with me had to work today. The youngest hasn’t come home for the summer from college yet.  I have spent the day doing chores in my house but not as much as I should have. Most of the day has been spent paying bills and watching Shanarrah Chronicles. I started drinking margarita’s a drink ago. It would have been nice to not be alone today. Tomorrow is a quiet day but then Tuesday through Thursday, I go non-stop. I get up, go to work, and eat all day. After work, I either have my karate class or my atheist meeting. By Friday, I am usually exhausted so if I have no plans that night, I am actually usually relieved but going out for an hour or two after work is not a terrible thing. Saturday is my errand day if I stay in town. I also take an hour or two to sit at Starbucks with a coffee, a book, and my pup (outside patio). I really enjoy my Saturdays. Sometimes, I go on a hike or something like that instead.

I think I am just needing to accept being alone.It is so much easier and there are so many frogs out there. I haven’t found anyone worth my time in almost a year and he ghosted me after four weeks of telling me how much he liked me. I am not sure it is worth the risk and pain anymore. I can take care of myself. Financially is a struggle but it is getting better.  I refuse to let loneliness take over my life so I will stay busy and active. If someone decent enters my life, I hope I can accept him in.

Advertisements

Here in my small town, we have had an event every winter for forty years now.  Snowdown  is a zany crazy week and every year has a new theme. People dress in costumes and do silly things and lots of drinking. I started taking the time off work after my divorce and really enjoying the time.

There are some events that go on all week. One event that my family has done since my kids were little is Find the Silver Bullet. Someone hides a  6 inch bullet somewhere in town and clues are given on the radio five times a day. The prize package starts at $250 but as the week goes on more and more prizes are added. There have been years that it has been a couple of thousand dollars in prizes. Needless to say, I live my life this week scheduling around listening to clues. We have almost found it a few times. Three years ago, we probably stepped on it and my eldest was standing next to the lady that found it. My eldest won’t get here until tonight this year so I have been texting her and my son clues and I have been the one doing the physical part. I don’t think we are going to find it this year. We will see.

This year the theme is Black Tie Affair so people are dressed to the nine’s this year. Lots of wonderful suits. I love a sharp dressed man. I had to be different so this was me last night. I had so many comments and fun flirts. I spent most of the evening with BFF. I think he enjoyed all the attention I was getting.

A Black Tie Affair

We started out just having a drink and then went to watch Butt Darts. People take a quarter in their butt, walk backwards and drop it on a target or something. I didn’t watch much. We were busy talking to people and then BFF played wingman and got me a phone number of an acquaintance of his that we ran into.  We walked down the street and he went up to the Euchre tournament and I went to the Magical Musical Mystery Tour. Eventually, he came down there and we went to the Gong Show and then the 80s dance. I think the funniest part of the night was when we were watching the Gong show and some woman came up and grabbed my ass. By the time we left that bar, she had grabbed my ass and boobs a few times. Just another night at Snowdown.

I am excited that tonight, my eldest gets here for the rest of the week so we can play. Today, I will be on my own for most of the day. I am about to go put on my little black dress and tomorrow I will be back in my tails.

I have been spending a bit of time with ex-bf/bff  lately. It has been so nice to have time with him alone. I have missed talking to him so much. I have mentioned that he and his girlfriend broke up the beginning of July and he also lost his dog the same week. I was worried about him for a bit but he seems to be doing well now. He has been going to some personal growth retreats and he is really working on getting over his baggage. I sure hope that someday he can truly find happiness with himself so he can find it with somebody else. I will always love him but, unfortunately, I cannot go back to him, even if he asked. We did fool around on my birthday. It was nice to be back in his arms and kiss him again. It would  have been easy to open my heart back to him but I refuse to. As I have said before, I believe that love is a choice. I won’t give my heart back to him at this point and I have told him that. I choose not to love him like that again unless he is ready to let me in. Even then, it would not be a given. I would have to really think about it. He would have to earn me back.  I love how honest we are with each other. I love that I can tell him these things and he tells me that he still worries about hurting me when he is with someone else.

Last weekend, we went on a hike to a natural hot springs. Yes, we soaked naked. It was so nice sitting next in the hot springs with the cold river flowing by.  We have talked so much about our growth since we split up. I know the things he has done and he asked me what I have done. He also thinks that some of what I say is just words because I still occasionally say that I want a man. I have explained to him that those times are actually few anymore. I like my space. I love my freedom. So many times, I hear couples on the street and think to myself how glad I am not to be in a relationship. Even as few as a few months ago, I would sometimes get sad when I saw a couple holding hands walking down the street. Now, I really feel nothing. Not anger and pity, like I felt right after my divorce. I was such a cynic and was sure that they were all making a mistake in trusting and loving. I also, not longer feel sad because I am alone. I feel happy for them and hope it lasts. I do sometimes wonder if I will ever find that BUT it is truly not a concern anymore.

So, what have I done to grow? I have been thinking about that since he asked. One is that I spend so much time alone that I can think. Most of my workday, I spend thinking about my life and reflecting. I also blog here. This is so good for me. Not only is it journaling but I get feedback and see my feelings are normal and others feel the same way. I read LOTS of books and blogs. I am exercising not just at work but weight lifting again. I have loved that since I was a teen and haven’t done for years. I love how it makes me feel mentally and physically.  I am also spending more time with friends and reconnecting with people. My birthday helped with that. When you are content with your life and yourself, a partner becomes less important.

One of the things that I thought about the other day is WHY am  I so content alone right now? Of course, there is the standard, I can do what I want, when I want, without anyone having any say or worrying about being criticized for my choices and feelings as I did for years. My big AHA moment came the other day though. I had been dwelling on this for days and it just popped into my head. For the first time in my life, I am taking care of ME only. I am 50 years old and don’t need to take care of anyone but me and my puppies. Of course, I am still here for my kids but I am my priority for the first time. It is such a free feeling. I can go hike with my ex-bf, get naked and sit in a hot spring. I can go have beer with a friend. I can sit on my couch naked and blog. I can go to bed at 7 or at midnight. I can have ice cream for breakfast or dinner, if I choose. I am fifty years old and feel better physically and mentally than I did at 35. I am healthier. I am fit. I am sexy. I am beautiful and strong. I am independent. I am not lonely at all. I plan to continue growing and getting better with age. We all should.

The year of the divorce (2013) was the second year that Denver had a Comic Con. We had known about it the year before as a friend  of mine had had her photo taken with James Marsters and I was quite jealous but I really never thought that Con was a place for me. I knew it was something my kids  would enjoy and in 2014, when it was announced that Stan Lee was going to be there, I knew I would never be forgiven if I didn’t bring them. I had no desire to attend. I was going through the divorce. I really wanted to hide from the world but bought tickets. We drove over 300 miles to my mom’s in Denver and went to the convention center the next morning. I was sure that I was going to be bored senseless. I brought a book and money for wine. Little did I know that I would love my weekend. I hardly saw my kids and didn’t read at all. I ended up people watching the entire time. I even had a gentleman buy me a glass of wine and we spent a few hours talking. I sure needed that.

This weekend just ended out fifth Con. One child was unable to attend but the three of us that did go had a great time. We have become avid cosplayers and we all have our different things that we like to do at Con. My youngest loves to go to gaming and cosplay panels and hang with friends. I love going to celebrity panels and meeting the various celebrities. My oldest does the same as I do, for the  most part but spends a LOT more money on autographs and photos. I love getting to know that a celebrity that I like is a good person. Occasionally, we find out the opposite. My middle kiddo likes to people watch and meet people. She rarely meets celebrities or even goes to panels.

I am not a person that normally likes crowds but it is so different when you are in a crowd of nerds. It is funny how polite everyone is. Everyone is just enthralled with others creativity. We talk to so many strangers. I love seeing all the different fandoms and have developed a lot of new ones due to Con.When you bump into someone at Con, both of you apologize profusely. You do not hear about fights. You are much more likely to get a random hug than a scowl. Due to Con, I have embraced my nerdiness. I plan on sharing some of my Con experiences here, too. I definitely have some new loves after this year. None that are relationship bound but actors that I will follow after finding out what amazing humans they are. I will share in a later post.

When I was pregnant with my son,  I had a very vivid dream telling me he was a boy. I never officially found out with my kids but was right every time. I was so nervous about having a boy. I had no brothers, my mom had no brothers, my grandmother had no brothers. No one to help me. My mother in law and I had very different views so I didn’t go to her for advice for my kids. I already had two girls but everyone assumes you want one of each. I did NOT. I was terrified of boys. My grandmother had told me that they were born nasty. I had all girl things already. Another girl  would have been easier.

Sure enough, fall of 1997, I gave birth to a bouncing baby boy. The most difficult difference of him being a boy was diaper changes. Nope, not getting peed on, the girls did that, too, but no one told me to fold it down so he would wet his clothes and not his diaper.

He was a sweet baby and adored by his sisters. They spoiled him rotten and for the most part, I honestly didn’t see any true gender stereotypes with him. If anything,  my second girl was my “boy”. He grew into a very sweet boy. He didn’t have a temper. He was caring, kind, and smart as a whip. He never had much interest in the sports. I am sure that was difficult for my ex-jock ex-husband.  I do wonder how much of it was the boys personality and how much of it was the lack of his dad going out and doing things with him.. He never tried to play catch or other “boy” things when he was young. The boy did play flag football for a few years and then tried football again in seventh grade but decided sports were not his thing. I do admit that it was even a little difficult for me. I love football but now and glad he didn’t play much. I was hoping he might do track or something like that. He is built for it but he had no interest.

He became an avid reader very young and that continues to this day. He developed into a nerd and geek and is very proud of who he is. He is well liked among his peers and the community. He is a hard worker. He has done theater, band, and choir. He did tap and ballet with one of his sisters when he was very young. He started violin when he was four

One day  in seventh grade, he decided that he wanted to wear a suit. He has worn a suit and tie almost every day since. He even carries a briefcase. When I asked him about this, he told me that he does better when he dresses well. . He joined choir  in high school though he hadn’t sung since he was about five. He joined so he could have a teacher he had known all his life. He joined band because the same teacher asked him to. This same teacher told me that he would make sure my boy made it after the divorce. He was a great mentor to him and is a father figure to all three of my kids. Now he is finishing his first year of college as a music education major and is going to be singing in Carnegie Hall in June. He is well groomed and polite. I love watching him when he doesn’t know and I see him holding doors, handing girls his coat if she is cold, carrying things for people.  He is such an amazing young man and I am so lucky to be his  mom. He loves board games and D&D and anything that makes him use his brain. He has a great group of friends that are also very respectful and kind.

I had to laugh last year when I got into his car and he had Pavarotti blaring and he was singing along. He had a solo the year before doing an opera piece with the marching band and this week, he is performing in an opera at CMU.  He is a unique young man.

There have been very few ways he has been a “typical” boy. Even though he was not an athlete, he still had the boy smell. He also does not share details of his life like his sister’s do. So many times I find things out via his friends. He may not share or talk much but he sure shows me how much he loves me and the girls. We are all so lucky and we all admit that he is the favorite. (Not that I really have one). He just left today for the end of spring break. Last night, I thanked him for coming home and he told me that I made him. I responded that I did not do that. He told me that by me being here, I did. I sure love that boy and look back now, wonder how and why I was so scared of a boy.

The Tapioca Miracle Demo Recording! by Daniel Kazemi — Kickstarter

via The Tapioca Miracle Demo Recording! by Daniel Kazemi — Kickstarter.

I received an invote to this event from a friend of mine, Eric Coble,  on Facebook recently. I figured it had something to do with a play he had written but took my time going to the event page. When I went this morning, I was so excited to find that he has co-written a play that is trying to go to Broadway. There are steps they have to do and fundraising is, of course, part of this. I am hoping that the more people I share with, he can get the money needed. You can donate as little as $1 and every dollar counts.

Eric and I went to college together here in Colorado. He is a Durango High School graduate and then graduated from Ft Lewis college. He is a great guy, good friend, loving father and husband. I am hoping that I can help him reach this goal by not only donating myself but trying to get others to donate something. Please, help support the arts. They are so important to us all.

 

The Portable Atheist: Essential Readings for the Nonbeliever
The Portable Atheist: Essential Readings for the Nonbeliever by Christopher Hitchens

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Some of these essays were great. I may have to read the books where they came from. Ii especially liked Bertrand Russell.

View all my reviews

Next Page »