The Hate U GiveThe Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Wow, this book is so relevant to now. I listened to it on audible and I believe that it may be the best way to “read” this book. I think that people that read this book may understand others a bit better. It is not anti-cop but it is about a police officer that unjustly kills a young black man and the community wants justice. Just like in real life, the media tears the young man apart when he did nothing wrong when he was shot. The main character in the book was his best childhood friend and was with him when he was killed. The story is from her point of view. Her fear of coming forward, her fear of not coming forward. Her grieving the loss of her second friend in her arms. Her trying to stay together. He now fear of police officers though her beloved uncle is one.

I had no idea that a movie is about to be released until this week so my timing on reading this was perfect. I plan on seeing the movie this weekend while the book is still so fresh in my mind. I recommend this book to everyone. As a white woman, it hit me very hard. I could relate to the mom but, I am lucky with my white privilege, that I have never had to deal with the types of things the characters in this story do. Read this book. I hope the movie does it justice as I know many wont read books but may watch the movie. I think it is important for this dialogue to take place.

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I am so tired…….

I am tired of being strong…

I am tired of being completely independent…

I am tired of pretending that I am okay all the time….

I am tired of being alone…..

I am tired of having to do everything….

I am tired of pain, physical and emotional…..

I am tired of no one loving me….

I am tired of being rejected….

I am tired of not being held….

I am tired of not being kissed….

I am tired of not having someone to lean on….

I am tired of not having someone to discuss things with….

I am tired of not having sex….

I am tired of struggling…..

I am tired of going everywhere solo….

I am tired of having no one to do things for…..

I am tired of not being loved….

I am tired of sleeping alone every night….

I am tired  of pretending my life has a purpose…

I am tired of hoping that someday someone will care….

I am tired of crying alone….

I am tired of the only one happy that I come home is my dog….

I am tired of having no one to trust….

I am tired of having no purpose or meaning….

I am tired of seeing my life will never get better or change….

I am tired of trying….

I am tired of my life…

But I must go on, why????

Because I love my kids so I have to continue whether I want to or not and I do not have the courage to do stop.

My kids and I carpool to work a lot. We live thirty miles from Durango and all three of us work there. We have two cars currently so carpooling is often necessary. Sometimes we have to wait a couple of hours to start work or for the other person to get off work. Usually, the kids carpool as they both usually work nights but occasionally, I get the pleasure of one of the kids company. The other day was one of those nights. I got off at five, my son at eight, and the child at almost eleven. I volunteered to stay and wait for the boy. When I have to do this, I usually sit at the bar across the street and have a drink or two. The other night, it was a longer wait than usual and I ended up at the Starbucks for a while, reading my book and having a coffee a friend had bought for me earlier but hadn’t been made yet. After a little while, I decided to walk down the street and ended back up at the same bar I tend to go to. I got a table by the window, pulled out my book and had a beer. There was a musician playing that I hadn’t heard before and I was really enjoying that. I went from reading to just listening. I talked  a bit to the tourists at the table next to me. I watched a cute little kid playing on the sidewalk wearing a cape. I was just enjoying life and then it hit me. Six months ago, I was still uncomfortable walking into a bar by myself but that night it didn’t phase me. I have been going to Starbucks regularly alone and reading and having coffee on the weekends so that hasn’t been an issue in a long time. It is my weekly date with my pup. He gets a puppacino and a get a drink. I read, he gets love from strangers. Sometimes we do something else before or after but it time for me to read and relax away from home. I think this was the first time that I have walked into a bar/restaurant by myself and not felt awkward or lonely. I didn’t feel bad taking a table by myself. I was totally at ease. I think now that I could walk into any restaurant and have a meal by myself and not feel bad about it or feel that people were staring at me feeling sorry for me.

I have come such a long way since the divorce. During the divorce and for several months after, I could barely go anywhere much less by myself. My friend, Maria, and my kids drug me to a few places but I hardly went anywhere. When I was invited to go out with friends, often I would say yes but the anxiety would keep me home on the night of the event. I definitely didn’t want to do anything ALONE!!!! I didn’t want people to pity me or feel sorry for me for my husband walking out on me. I didn’t want to look pitiful. I didn’t want to be alone. The first couple of parties I went to alone, I cried either there or when I got home. This was at a friends house that I have known for years. When I went to my karate class the few times, I cried afterwards as it used to be a family class for us all. I struggled going to the Library grand opening when we built our new library though I knew just about everyone there. Maybe that was why it was so hard. Even going to my son’s school performances alone was hard. Now, I do  not even think about it. I just go where I want, when I want. I no longer think about what people think of me being alone. I even recently ran into someone I worked with years ago and he asked about my ex-husband. He had no idea we were divorced. That didn’t phase me. I just told him that we have been apart for over five years now.

I remember people telling me that it would get easier but I had no idea that some day I would be so comfortable with myself that I could do anything alone without it bothering me. I was not even like that prior to my marriage. I think my fifties are going to be great because for the first time in my life I am truly happy with who I am and with my own company.

I have not read the book but started hearing about this show when it came out last year. I kept hearing people say that it glorifies suicide but then I would see things elsewhere that stated it was a good show.  There are experts on both sides. Some of the criticism is that they did not do enough but not that they did this.  They have had many professionals helping them make this show. They are trying to open up discussion, which is a good thing. Being a person that likes to make up my own mind about things, I decided to watch the show. I will honestly say that I was a bit worried about it due to my history BUT I had to see what the uproar was. I was pleasantly surprised.

Season one is based on the book and season two is a continuation of the book. In season one, Hannah has died by suicide and left a series of tapes in the hands of a dear friend with instructions for him to have the people on them listen to them. Each episode is then the story of each tape. Some of the criticism is that her suicide was vengeance to people but I took it more as her suicide note. What is the difference? She was explaining why she reached the point that she did.  Some of the stories are  what would seem to be mild or nothing to many people and some of them are awful. As someone that has dealt with serious depression, sometimes the little things can add up. When you feel that alone and down, the little things can be just as bad emotionally as the big things. Eventually, you see what pushed her over the edge. This show is not easy to watch at times. There is bullying, rape, and suicide. There are many very graphic scenes. They do NOT gloss over the difficult subjects or scenes.  I feel this show is very real. So many of us forget what it is like to be a teenager and how they do not usually turn to parents about every little thing, if anything. We forget how much peer pressure affects kids. In the first season, we see kids doing bad things but you can tell that some of them they are doing it due to pressure to be accepted.

I just  finished season two this morning. This season is dealing with the after effects of  Hannah’s suicide and the events that led up to it. All the characters deal with it very differently. We learn so much more about all the characters and why they have made the choices that they have made. They deal so much with teenage angst and healing from the loss of Hannah and all the other things that happened in season one. I love how this show addresses how important friendship is and that we all do not have to go in the direction that is expected of this. Her death has affected to many people, not just the tapes left behind. We do not realize when we are that low how far our death will reach.

So many people have come out and said that this show glamorizes suicide but for me, I see the opposite. I see that it shows the negative consequences of suicide and how it affects people in our lives. There are probably people that shouldn’t watch it, especially alone. My middle child and I have both seen season one and I just watched season two. We have discussed it, we both have a history of depression and suicidal thoughts. I have actually been in the process of planning my death more than once in my life. I do not think this show is appropriate for young children but more of a show to watch for teens and older and possibly open up discussions with each other. We cannot continue to hide from the difficult subjects. We have to talk about them. We have to make it okay to talk about and ask for help. Overall, I am glad that I have watched this show and will watch season three when it comes out next year. It is a good drama that deals with difficult subjects and I do not believe someone is going to kill themselves because of a show. If someone dies by suicide after watching the show, the show did not make them do it, they already had problems and needed help. We need to notice other people and reach out if we think someone needs help. We need to look after each other, which I believe this show demonstrates.I am not a mental health expert but I do know that everyone is different and has different triggers. If you think this may be a trigger, do NOT watch it.

One thing I really liked in the last episode of season two was when Hannah’s mom found her list of reasons why not. She shared it with Clay and told him to always remember that there are more reasons for why not than why though Hannah didn’t see that.

Mother of suicide victim that works with 13 Reasons Why

Suicide Prevention

Suicide rates on the rise

I almost was one of these statistics. The last time that I was suicidal, my husband (at the time) would yell at me about being depressed. He never once said, honey, I am worried about you, let’s go get help. I was working on a plan. I was crying for hours every night. I was drinking to stop the pain. I even said regularly how I wanted to die. I was just wanting to hide from the world. I didn’t necessarily want to die but I didn’t want to live anymore. Living was too painful and I felt that my being around made my family unhappy. I felt like a burden due to my physical health issues (that got worse with stress) I was so close to acting on my plan and all he did was get angry at me and yell at me. I remember thinking how much better his life and my kids would be without me as I was so worthless. I felt that I wasn’t even worth helping when I was so down.

Please, reach out to people. Don’t get angry at them for being ill. Too many suicides. They are on the rise nationally. Too many people feel alone and worthless. It is a horribly dark place and, at the time, death seems to be the only way out.

Every time I hear of someone dying from suicide, I also hear people state how selfish the person was. To me, that is so offensive. A person that dies by suicide feels that they have no choice. Suicide and depression is something that we need to talk about regularly People need to educate themselves about depression and learn how to support people. One way is to take the QPR class. This is a class to learn to be a gatekeeper for depressed people. Question. Persuade. Refer. I took this class a few months ago with a bunch of friends. I hope I can save lives. I ask my followers too not judge the people with depression and educate yourselves. Maybe you can save a life or two but also remember that if someone you know dies by suicide, it is not your fault either.


Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest TrailWild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I did very much enjoy this book. After reading many of the reviews, I can see where the negative comments came from but I do disagree with them in many ways. After her mother died, it appears that she got depressed. That is how I can see why she threw away a good marriage and lost. She was lost. Yes, her deciding to hike the PCT alone with no experience was not a smart thing to do. She was very lucky that she ran into so many kind hearted people. To me, that shows how most people are good after all. She made many mistakes and was very lucky. Yes, she got off the trail many times but only bypassed in a few areas. She stuck with it though she was unprepared. I respect that she kept going with an overweight backpack, lack of supplies, and lots of pain. The critics need to remember that she was so young when this happened. We aren’t the smartest at that age. She learned a lot about herself and grew a lot on her journey. I don’t know what has happened to her since but I hope that she has found happiness and continued to grow in strength and confidence.

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My name is Wil Wheaton. I live with Chronic Depression, and I am not ashamed

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