grief


Suicide rates on the rise

I almost was one of these statistics. The last time that I was suicidal, my husband (at the time) would yell at me about being depressed. He never once said, honey, I am worried about you, let’s go get help. I was working on a plan. I was crying for hours every night. I was drinking to stop the pain. I even said regularly how I wanted to die. I was just wanting to hide from the world. I didn’t necessarily want to die but I didn’t want to live anymore. Living was too painful and I felt that my being around made my family unhappy. I felt like a burden due to my physical health issues (that got worse with stress) I was so close to acting on my plan and all he did was get angry at me and yell at me. I remember thinking how much better his life and my kids would be without me as I was so worthless. I felt that I wasn’t even worth helping when I was so down.

Please, reach out to people. Don’t get angry at them for being ill. Too many suicides. They are on the rise nationally. Too many people feel alone and worthless. It is a horribly dark place and, at the time, death seems to be the only way out.

Every time I hear of someone dying from suicide, I also hear people state how selfish the person was. To me, that is so offensive. A person that dies by suicide feels that they have no choice. Suicide and depression is something that we need to talk about regularly People need to educate themselves about depression and learn how to support people. One way is to take the QPR class. This is a class to learn to be a gatekeeper for depressed people. Question. Persuade. Refer. I took this class a few months ago with a bunch of friends. I hope I can save lives. I ask my followers too not judge the people with depression and educate yourselves. Maybe you can save a life or two but also remember that if someone you know dies by suicide, it is not your fault either.

 

Advertisements

Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest TrailWild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I did very much enjoy this book. After reading many of the reviews, I can see where the negative comments came from but I do disagree with them in many ways. After her mother died, it appears that she got depressed. That is how I can see why she threw away a good marriage and lost. She was lost. Yes, her deciding to hike the PCT alone with no experience was not a smart thing to do. She was very lucky that she ran into so many kind hearted people. To me, that shows how most people are good after all. She made many mistakes and was very lucky. Yes, she got off the trail many times but only bypassed in a few areas. She stuck with it though she was unprepared. I respect that she kept going with an overweight backpack, lack of supplies, and lots of pain. The critics need to remember that she was so young when this happened. We aren’t the smartest at that age. She learned a lot about herself and grew a lot on her journey. I don’t know what has happened to her since but I hope that she has found happiness and continued to grow in strength and confidence.

View all my reviews

My name is Wil Wheaton. I live with Chronic Depression, and I am not ashamed

I am so heart broken today. We had a local twelve year old die from suicide last night. I know nothing about this boy. I do not know his family but we have friends in common. That is all not relative to my feelings. As someone that has battled depression off and on for close to forty years, I know how dark a place you have to be to take this step. I have almost been there a few times. I have worked on a plan many times. Today, I am glad that I never have made that decision but this suicide got me thinking about TWELVE.

Wow, TWELVE years old.  How does a child of such a young age reach this point?

I was thinking about myself at twelve. I hadn’t been depressed yet. My parents had separated and gotten back together. My older sister told me how my dad had cheated on my mom and she is the one that discovered  it. My dad was drunk most of the time. I didn’t feel he loved me. I felt betrayed by my dad and so angry at what he had done to my mom. I actually was angry at my mom for taking him back. We moved again back to the states and I returned to a school I had been at previously but it was a civilian school and I was a brat. I was extremely naive and sheltered in many ways and felt that I didn’t fit in. My former friends had matured and I was still so YOUNG.  My self-esteem was dropping tremendously. I was put in a back brace for my scoliosis which was embarrassing and uncomfortable. I was tiny. I was uncoordinated.  I was DIFFERENT but I was not depressed YET. This was in 1979. Times have changed.

Today’s kids have no escape from all these things at home. They are lucky enough to have the internet. In so many ways, it enriches our lives but the isolation can be so much worse now. I cannot imagine how I would have felt seeing photos of parties I wasn’t invited to all the time, possibly the bullying online, the boy I liked with the girl in the class. These things never go away. The experts state that cyber bullying is one of the reasons that death by suicide is rising among younger children. Add to that if the child is even more different. The child is gay or wondering if he is gay or trans or another member of the LBGTQ community. The child is doubting the religion of the family/community.  Coming out of the closet as a LBGTQ or even an atheist can be very difficult and scary.

We as adults need to learn to ask the kids in our lives are okay and truly listen. We need to not brush off their concerns and fears with “that doesn’t really matter.’ We  need to quit thinking and saying things like, what do they have to be depressed about? No, children, for the most part, do not have to worry about bills and other adult issues but their issues are real to them and are just as upsetting to them as ours are to us.

Right now, there are a few things that some parents are bringing to the school board in my town about LBGTQ and religious rights. I am not saying that this is the reason that this particular boy died by suicide as I do not know where his mind was. Only he knows, unless he left a note, why he made this ultimate decision. I hope for the survivors that it had nothing to do with these things as some of them were behind this school board issue. There is enough guilt for survivors as it is. I wish I could go back 24  hours and take this boy aside and tell him that it will get better and get him the help and support he needed. Unfortunately, none of us can do that and our small town has to deal with another young child death as well as another suicide.

Facts about suicidal thoughts in children

Suicides under 13

If you are thinking about suicide PLEASE reach out. I promise, it will get better.  If you suspect someone might be in crisis, reach out. People don’t say it unless they have thought it. You don’t want t be a survivor. Be a rescuer instead.

Suicide prevention

I feel that I have hardly stopped since Snowdown. Last week was a recovery week and I was so tired and last weekend was catch up  at home. I have had a lot going on and have hardly had any down time at home. I hate when I have blog posts running through my head all day and I can’t get them down. I am going to try and get to some of the ones I have thought of the past couple of weeks. My big one was Valentine’s Day. It has never been my favorite “holiday” but I still always would have liked acknowledgement. Before marriage, it seemed I was always single on Valentine’s Day. Too often, a boy/man would break up with me just prior. During my marriage, I learned that the ex was not romantic at all. I would have been happy with a nice dinner, a flower or bouquet, anything even remotely romantic. He didn’t give flowers often because HIS MOM didn’t like getting flowers. I LOVE getting flowers and he knew this.  Occasionally, I would get a card or something but I learned to not expect us to do anything romantic for anything. I would suggest weekends away, even to somewhat local places so we could save money. I would suggest things all the time and he poo-pooed them all the time. The last few years of the marriage, it, of course, got worse. Six years before the divorce, our middle child was given a dozen roses at school by a boy that liked her. They were not dating. They were beautiful and I was so happy for her. We put them  in a vase and had them prominently on display. A few hours later, the ex came in, threw a single rose on the table and said, “here is your VD flower.” Wow. I just wanted to cry and shove it up his ass.

He filed for divorce on January 14th and here in Colorado, your first court date is one month later. Yep, I went to divorce court for a divorce I didn’t want on VALENTINE’S DAY. I still cannot believe they do that. There are some days that divorce court should not happen. I was a mess. I had a severe anxiety attack. The people in the courthouse sent me to Adult Protective Services downstairs to make sure I was okay. It was terrible.

Since then, I have tried to not let that day completely ruin Valentine’s for me. I could find a romantic man that enjoys doing things for his gal. My first one single was great. A guy I was dating and I went skiing and he reserved a table for us at the restaurant at the top of the mountain. I had no idea. He knew that I was having a hard time and he was so sweet. He and I were not ready for a relationship at the time. We were both the first dates after 20+ year marriages. We were good for each other and he helped me a lot. I hope I helped him. The following two years I was dating ex/bf bff and R. Exbff and  I went on a cruise right afterwards and R and I had a great date. They both gavve me flowers. Last year I was single but still received flowers from someone that was interested. I don’t know why but this year hit me hard. I was single and feeling very alone. Maybe because there have been no prospects since ice cream man. I have no idea. For the most part, I have been doing well but the days leading up to and on Valentine’s Day last week, I was getting grouchier and moodier. I cried a lot and just wanted someone to hold me. I had someone tell me to just ignore it but when yo are walking up and down main street with every window having ads for Valentines, every radio station, TV station ad is about love, it is hard to ignore. The person that told me this is basically a hermit.  I was so ready for the day to be over. I got off work and went to my car and see R drive up. He gets out of his car and tells me that he failed. He was holding a bouquet of flowers that he was going to put on my car anonymously.  He told me that he knew it was a hard day for me. I just wanted to cry. The man says there is something missing in our relationship and that is why we aren’t dating but it is obvious that he really cares for me. Why won’t he accept my heart? I would give it willingly. Oh well, he made my day better and I do know that he loves me, just not enough.

Enjoy Every Sandwich: Living Each Day as If It Were Your LastEnjoy Every Sandwich: Living Each Day as If It Were Your Last by Lee Lipsenthal

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I actually liked this book but was not sure when I read reviews that complained about the woowoo- new age stuff in it. I looked at those parts like I do religion. If it helped him, good, as long as it didn’t hurt anyone else.

This book was written by a doctor after he was given the terminal diagnosis of cancer. He talks about living life to the fullest and how the most important thing in the end is love. He does talk about past lives an astral projection. There are so many things to think about when you are dying and he did a good job of being very open with this book an how real things were with his wife, his kids, and even his parents. He shared about how he would use things like meditation to help him through this treatments. He tried to keep a positive attitude and live his life to the fullest while he was dying. That is all we can do as we are all dying. None of us know when. Some of us do know how- or think we know- things happen. I try to read many books of choosing your views to help me remember these things. Life can be very difficult at times but we need to remember that it can always be worse. If we have our basic need met and friends and family that we love and that love us, what else can we really need? Nothing. Everything else really is a want. Live your life, enjoy your life and don’t let the little every day things ruin your day. You do not know what tomorrow holds and if you hold onto the sadness, bitterness, an anger, you are less likely to see the good and also more likely to get ill.
Sorry for the ramble. Overall, this is a good quick read about positive attitude towards life and worth the reading time.

View all my reviews

Tonight was emotional for me. Actually, all week has been emotional. I hurt my leg last week and I do not do well being laid up. I had my gum graft on Monday so was laid up from that. I have been chatting with a couple of guys on line and thought I had a date set up on Thursday and then I didn’t hear from him. I thought I had been ghosted again. I was feeling sad and lonely last night. (Turns out I misunderstood him and he will be in town next week. ) I haven’t had a boyfriend in two years. I am quite lonely and craving physical attention.

 

So tonight, being at a celebration of life was just the kicker. I didn’t know Bob well. I wish I had known him better. He was good friends with BFF so when we were hanging out a lot, we would occasionally have a night with Bob and his girlfriend. They hadn’t been together for a super long time but it was so obvious that he loved her and she loved him She stood by him for the year of his dying and was so good to him. She had asked me to come tonight so I did. I sat there and listened to people talk about Bob and his family. His love for her. His love for life. I ended up crying a lot more than I expected to.

I have seen a lot of death in the last ten years but this is the first time that I actually wondered what it would be like at mine. Does anyone ever really think about that? How you will be remembered. Who will cry when you are gone. Who will miss you. What they will say about you. I know that it would be different for me now than it would have been when I was married. I have expanded my friends so much. I feel so much more love in my life and I hope I bring happiness to others as Bob did to the people that were there tonight. I hope that before I go, I can have a love like he had at the end. So  many of us never truly think about these things. We, as a society, like to hide from the reality of death but we are all dying at some time. We shouldn’t deny it any more than we should dwell on it. We should face it but also enjoy our lives because we never know when our time is up. Bob died 51 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer. Before that day, he thought he was a healthy man. His life changed in a moment. I am glad I went to the celebration to be with my friends and give them support. I wish I had known Bob better. I hope I can help my friends through this time. Now, I just want to go snuggle with someone besides my pup, but he will have to do.

I feel like I am rambling tonight so I am going to sign off and try to meditate or something. I just had to share this rambling with my followers.

Next Page »