depression


I figured since my last post was basically suicidal, that I should update. I made it through that night with lots of crying and very little alcohol. I felt that I didn’t sleep at all. I was so worried about the car and propane. My eldest had called during my breakdown and was very worried. She remembered how I was before meds and called her sibling at work. When the middle kiddo came home, they were so affectionate and the next day, they took over.

When I left for work, I told them to let me know when Amerigas showed up because I might have to make another phone call. I texted them a couple of hours later and heard nothing. I was such a mess at work but I will get to that later. Eventually, I heard from the kiddo. They had been on the phone with Amerigas for almost an hour. They told the kiddo that they hadn’t come out because someone in my canyon told them that THEIR driveway was impassable that week so Amerigas took all of my canyon off the deliver list. There are several things wrong with that. One, I was calling daily desperate for delivery and told them my driveway was clear. Two, this is a large canyon and I am on the sunny side. I have had grass growing while my neighbors across the street still have FEET of snow. There is a road everyone calls the back road that is barely passable year round. How dare they make delivery plans based on a neighbor. I spoke to five people and had two emails that week and was never told this. In fact, the second person I talked to asked me about access. I found out what was required – 12 feet wide- and told her that I would measure when I got home and that if the snow wasn’t melted enough to give the driver 12 feet, I would call, otherwise we were good. That was Tuesday. After my kid was on the phone for a while, the delivery guy called med and said he was on the way. He told the kiddo that we wouldn’t have made it through the night but now we have propane. As soon as the snow is gone, I am changing companies. That was ridiculous.

My meds finally came in the mail the next day. I will not go without again. When I got to work that next day, my boss noticed something was wrong and asked. I lost it. Next thing I knew I was sobbing and telling him everything. He told me that if I ever needed money for meds again, to let him know. My kids did the same, as did R. My boss offered to cover a short term Rx from the local pharmacy. I checked the tracking and found out that it was supposed to come that day so turned him down. When I was on the phone with USAA, he came and stuck $50 in my pocket. I had told him that I hadn’t ordered the meds cuz I needed food more. He told me to go buy something impractical for food and to enjoy. Maybe I will get a good steak. I took my meds that night when I got home and am back on schedule.

About the car, what a mess. So I called USAA the next morning and spoke to my adjuster. He said he had been reaching out to the body shop and hadn’t heard anything back from them. I talked to him for quite a while We got off the phone and he got to work. He eventually got through to the body shop but what they sent was not sufficient but he was going to keep trying. My car was supposed to be ready on Thursday. I was thinking that every day was costing me rental so I was not happy when I finally got a call from the body shop telling me one more day. Friday afternoon, I still hadn’t gotten the call and was starting to think I was going to have to go a few more days with the rental when they finally called around 1500. I left work an hour early at 1600 to get the car. I went to Enterprise first to return the rental. I immediately told them that I had scratched the car and asked what I needed to do. I had already spoken to my adjuster about it too. The sweet guy at Enterprise made my day so much better. I had rental insurance but I had messed up at some time and didn’t have coverage for a car that would get to my house so I was paying extra every day for the truck instead of a smaller vehicle that never would have made it with all the snow we got. He took that charge off and the money I paid for the upgrade went to the deductible. He said we are all good. I am not sure if I will have to pay the remaining $400 of not. We will see. He was wonderful. I have never had any problems with Enterprise. They took me to the body shop to get my car and R had paid my deductible there so instead of $2000 out of pocket, I only had the $500 for Enterprise. R had said something in a text earlier that my day would get better that afternoon but still cannot believe he paid my deductible. I know he will not let me pay him back. He gave me a couple of hundred in the past and he refused to take the check to pay him back.

Things worked out. I had people step up and offer to help and some helped. I wish when I am crazy with my depression that I can see that I cam not alone. I obviously cannot go without my meds. I hadn’t done so since I went on them but it really was a choice of food and meds. I am tired of being broke but I will get through this, somehow. One day at a time.

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I am so tired of things going wrong. I am slowly sinking more and more into debt but not because of poor choices Mostly it has been because of car issues and medical issues I have been trying to get a consolidation loan for a while but keep get turned down. I hit a deer in my car a little over a month ago. The only body shop that contracts with USAA locally couldn’t see my car for a month so I chose one that my boss uses. He is also a USAA member. It has been a month today that they have had my car. I have rental car coverage. On February 22, I got a call from Enterprise saying that the coverage was getting cancelled because the body shop had not sent info to USAA saying car wasn’t done. I called the body shop and they said they were having problems with getting parts but they would send information to USAA that day. Today, I get a call from Enterprise telling me I owe them almost $600 and need to return the car and that USAA cancelled coverage. I contact USAA and they never received anything from body shop. Body shop tells me they sent it and talked to Enterprise and not to worry about it. USAA tells me they have not heard from body shop. I hate the fuckin rental they gave me but it was the only car they had that could get to my house. I want my car back. Of course, with the several feet of snow we have gotten in the past month, I slid into chunks of ice and scratched the rental. So I have copay for 2 accidents and have to fight to figure out the shit with the bookshop/Enterprise/USAA. I know that USAA will cover the rental but I have to fix an error because someone is not doing their job.

In the mean time, we have had several FEET of snow and I finally can get up my driveway and dug out my propane tank Sunday night. I have been parking at the bottom for weeks and walking up. I was at 5%.. I contacted Amerigas and asked for a delivery. I immediately got an email saying I would get a delivery the next day. Here it is Wednesday night, I am on zero and no delivery yet. I have contacted them yesterday and today and was told I would get a delivery. I called the corporate office tonight hysterically crying and told her I needed propane. If I don’t get propane, lines will freeze that I cannot afford to fix. She had NO information about deliveries. I had an email and 2 phone calls. I was told yesterday I would get a delivery last night or first thing today. I was told this afternoon, that I would have a delivery today. She did not understand why I hadn’t had a delivery yet. The driver called and asked if I could make it till morning as he was 90 minutes away. He told me he was calling his boss and promised a delivery in the morning I was sobbing. I hope it really happens. I turned my heat down and am grateful for electric heaters and dogs for heat.

One more thing, I am one three regular meds.. One is a med for my heart murmur. I haven’t taken it in almost 3 months because I couldn’t afford to buy it but the other that I ran out of was my antidepressant. I have been off of them for over a week now. I have been crying all day and am struggling to keep it together. The only reason that I am keeping going is I promised my kid that I won’t do anything. I truly wish that I would just drop dead. I won’t kill myself but I am so fucking tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am tired of struggling financially. I am tired of being alone. I am angry and resentful towards my ex. I gave up everything to raise our kids and support his carrier. Now he is getting remarried, has a good career and I am struggling to fucking eat. I wish that I could just stop existing. I don’t want to do this anymore. It takes so much for me to get up every day and face another day of struggling but I will continue. I sure hope that someday my life gets better. I am lonely, I am broke. I am tired. I often wonder if it is worth it.

I had so many plans for this weekend but I barely got off the sofa. I did get some things done but never left the house and barely got dressed. I sure wish that I could just end this funk that I have been in.

As the year is coming to a close, I cannot help but realize that another year has passed ALONE. January 8th will be the beginning of my 7th year alone except for the few marvelous months with the ex-bf. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being just friends. I am tired of FWB which is why I haven’t had sex since I was in Arizona the beginning of November. Is is so much to want a relationship.. Is it too much to want to be loved and be in love. I won’t settle to have it but DAMN it, I miss it.

The pilot and I decided that the distance was an issue and have decided to be just friends. It sucked to have that discussion but it was needed. It is a shame that things were not different with us. He is so much fun. I could have gotten attached to him. In the mean time, R is confusing the hell out of me. He came over the other night, we talked, snuggled and fooled around but I told him that I cannot and will not have sex with him as friends anymore. He was fine with that. I have made it very clear with him where I stand. If he wants to give us a chance, all he has to do it say so but he won’t. He invited me to come over and spend new years with him and his son tomorrow. I told him that really all I want to just spend a week in bed drinking and feeling sorry for myself for not being lovable. He texted me back that I am loved and I told him but not completely. He replied, “more than you know” Now what the fuck does that mean. If he is in love with me, why doesn’t he say it. If he isn’t then he needs to quit saying things like that.

There is a part of me that wants to just give up and be celibate forever but then there is the other part of me that wants to continue trying so I signed back up on Match today. I have never paid for Match before but POF and OKCupid have had the same men for five years. It was time to look at possibly a new set of men. Of course, Broncos fan, R, and a couple of other men that I have gone out with are there. I hope that it is not as bad as the others were for me more recently.

In the mean time, I need to get my ass off the sofa for more than work and karate. I need to work on decluttering the home so I can sell this place ASAP. I need to find another source of income so I can start getting ahead financially.

I hope that 2019 is a better year for me. 2018 has had its moments but for the most part, I am so glad that it is over.

I am so tired…….

I am tired of being strong…

I am tired of being completely independent…

I am tired of pretending that I am okay all the time….

I am tired of being alone…..

I am tired of having to do everything….

I am tired of pain, physical and emotional…..

I am tired of no one loving me….

I am tired of being rejected….

I am tired of not being held….

I am tired of not being kissed….

I am tired of not having someone to lean on….

I am tired of not having someone to discuss things with….

I am tired of not having sex….

I am tired of struggling…..

I am tired of going everywhere solo….

I am tired of having no one to do things for…..

I am tired of not being loved….

I am tired of sleeping alone every night….

I am tired  of pretending my life has a purpose…

I am tired of hoping that someday someone will care….

I am tired of crying alone….

I am tired of the only one happy that I come home is my dog….

I am tired of having no one to trust….

I am tired of having no purpose or meaning….

I am tired of seeing my life will never get better or change….

I am tired of trying….

I am tired of my life…

But I must go on, why????

Because I love my kids so I have to continue whether I want to or not and I do not have the courage to do stop.

I was so excited about Bronco Fan but didn’t want to be. We chatted a lot early last week. He even tracked me down in town one day to see me.  We talked quite a bit about things we wanted to do in the future- camping, Mexico, Broncos games, Hockey games.  I was very good about not texting him all the time. I was trying to walk the fine line of not enough and too much. I really thought that there was a chance of a future with him.

He left town on Thursday to go to Denver to close on the house he was selling up there. He was supposed to get back on Saturday and his last text to me was that he would contact me Saturday when he got home to discuss dinner on Sunday- which was my birthday. He never wrote again. I didn’t text him until Sunday Morning to ask him if we were still having my birthday dinner together. He texted back that he would not make it and was still in Denver.

Last night, he called me and told me that he realized that we are in two different places. I want a relationship and he is not ready to date. He asked if we could still be friends. I so wanted to yell that I have enough fucking friends but I didn’t. It really hurt me that his switch changed so damn fast. He assured me that it was him and not me but I have heard that from others. I am tired to being rejected and told it isn’t me. I am so glad that we never had sex. I had thought we might on my birthday night. Oh well.

Two weeks ago, I was perfectly fine being alone. Why the fuck did I answer that message and open up to someone again? Now I am feeling lonely again.

 

I have been accused a number of times, mainly by family, of being way too open on Facebook. I decided years ago to be my authentic self. I am no longer going to hide my feelings or be who I am not. I did that for many years when I was married. By the time I was divorced, I had been depressed severely for years, suicidal and definitely not myself. Before he filed for divorce, I started the journey of healing. I started blogging. I started meds. I was seeing my doc regularly about my depression. During the divorce, I remember telling him that I was NOT going to go backwards.

I have shared so many details here and on Facebook. I know it is not always pleasant but I feel that when we share the unpleasantness also, we can possibly be helping others. I know how it feels to feel alone. I want my friends to know that they are not alone. Over the years, I have had many friends tell me how my openness has helped them with their divorces or other times of stress but last night, I truly felt that it has paid off. I had an ex-coworker contact me. She and I were not overly close but I always liked her a lot. She is a bit of a loner and introvert and does not make friends easily but there is something about her that drew me to her at work. Except for an occasional message now and then, we haven’t had any contact in many years. Last night, I got a message from her saying she needed to talk to someone. My son and I were having an evening together and were about to start a show but I told him it would have to wait, someone needed me. She called and we talked and cried and I was there for my friend. She told me that she felt alone and was so glad that I was there for her. I was told that the reason that she felt she could reach out to me is my openness on Facebook.

Being alone is sometimes hard but we all need it from time to time but being LONELY is another thing and there is nothing lonelier than being alone when you are in crisis. I wish I could do more for my friend than listen but I will stand by her during her time of crisis and be a friend that is needed. I will always be there for someone in need and I will continue to be an open book, good and bad. I truly believe that it saves lives.

Suicide rates on the rise

I almost was one of these statistics. The last time that I was suicidal, my husband (at the time) would yell at me about being depressed. He never once said, honey, I am worried about you, let’s go get help. I was working on a plan. I was crying for hours every night. I was drinking to stop the pain. I even said regularly how I wanted to die. I was just wanting to hide from the world. I didn’t necessarily want to die but I didn’t want to live anymore. Living was too painful and I felt that my being around made my family unhappy. I felt like a burden due to my physical health issues (that got worse with stress) I was so close to acting on my plan and all he did was get angry at me and yell at me. I remember thinking how much better his life and my kids would be without me as I was so worthless. I felt that I wasn’t even worth helping when I was so down.

Please, reach out to people. Don’t get angry at them for being ill. Too many suicides. They are on the rise nationally. Too many people feel alone and worthless. It is a horribly dark place and, at the time, death seems to be the only way out.

Every time I hear of someone dying from suicide, I also hear people state how selfish the person was. To me, that is so offensive. A person that dies by suicide feels that they have no choice. Suicide and depression is something that we need to talk about regularly People need to educate themselves about depression and learn how to support people. One way is to take the QPR class. This is a class to learn to be a gatekeeper for depressed people. Question. Persuade. Refer. I took this class a few months ago with a bunch of friends. I hope I can save lives. I ask my followers too not judge the people with depression and educate yourselves. Maybe you can save a life or two but also remember that if someone you know dies by suicide, it is not your fault either.

 

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