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Last weekend, I went on a short ice cream date when I went to visit my son. My son was at an event so I figured I would do something. The guy talked about how much he hated various things and ended up making a very racist remark to me and then told me how he is not racist. I left that “date” once again wondering why I even bother anymore. I love my life. Most of the time I am not lonely. Do I really want to bring someone into my life that is going to take my time away from the things that are important to me? From what I have seen since I started dating it most men want to change us into who they want us to be. I am not “good enough” for them for whatever reason OR they are not right for me. I keep meeting men that are religious (even though I am very clear that I won’t date a religious man), crude,  or needy. Is it so much to ask to find a man that is non-religious. We are now a large part of the community. Is it so much to ask to find a man that can speak in proper English (most of the time), reads books, listens to music, is athletic and takes care of himself and cares for humanity? He doesn’t have to match me 100% but there are some things that are very important to me. I want him to have teeth. I want him to be well kept. I don’t want to be with a fat man that does not take care of himself. I walk almost ten miles a day for work. I also do karate 2 times a week. I hike on weekends. I kayak, I love football. I do drink but can have fun without it. I ski. I don’t want a partner that wants to sit on his ass and watch TV all the time, though I do love to watch television and movies. I read a lot. I would love to have someone to share books and discuss books with. I am very liberal so a Trump supporter does not fit in my life but many of them ask me out because I am cute. I am fifty years old but don’t look it. I am about 120 pounds trying to gain muscle mass but I want more than a physical relationship. I want to be physically attracted to my partner. It would be great to find someone to go to Comic Con with, as well as brew fests, film festivals, and wine festivals. I have gotten so I am comfortable going by myself. Is that a good or bad thing. I am finding that the longer that I am single and alone, the less tolerant I am of partner issues. Last weekend, my mom and daughter also came to visit my son. We had four of us trying to decide where to eat. I am so used to making decisions without anyone’s input anymore. I was really having a hard time with the indecision. Finally I just said that I didn’t care where I went. I would have a beer at one place and a margarita at the other. That was when my mom finally put in an opinion. For breakfast the next day, I just made a decision. Will I ever be able to let someone completely into my life again? One of my concerns with men I meet are ones that have never been in a long relationship because I am afraid that they will not be able to handle the changes of one. Am I becoming that person? Am I doomed to be my mother and single the rest of my life? I love who I am and how I am growing in independence daily but it scares me, also. There are days or moments that I am lonely sometimes lonely as hell. Days that I just want someone to love me. Today is one of them. Here is it Mother’s Day and I am all alone. I have three great kids but they are grown. I am no longer the focus of their lives, as it should be. The oldest had the morning with her boyfriend and is at home 300 miles away right now. The middle one that lives with me had to work today. The youngest hasn’t come home for the summer from college yet.  I have spent the day doing chores in my house but not as much as I should have. Most of the day has been spent paying bills and watching Shanarrah Chronicles. I started drinking margarita’s a drink ago. It would have been nice to not be alone today. Tomorrow is a quiet day but then Tuesday through Thursday, I go non-stop. I get up, go to work, and eat all day. After work, I either have my karate class or my atheist meeting. By Friday, I am usually exhausted so if I have no plans that night, I am actually usually relieved but going out for an hour or two after work is not a terrible thing. Saturday is my errand day if I stay in town. I also take an hour or two to sit at Starbucks with a coffee, a book, and my pup (outside patio). I really enjoy my Saturdays. Sometimes, I go on a hike or something like that instead.

I think I am just needing to accept being alone.It is so much easier and there are so many frogs out there. I haven’t found anyone worth my time in almost a year and he ghosted me after four weeks of telling me how much he liked me. I am not sure it is worth the risk and pain anymore. I can take care of myself. Financially is a struggle but it is getting better.  I refuse to let loneliness take over my life so I will stay busy and active. If someone decent enters my life, I hope I can accept him in.

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I am so heart broken today. We had a local twelve year old die from suicide last night. I know nothing about this boy. I do not know his family but we have friends in common. That is all not relative to my feelings. As someone that has battled depression off and on for close to forty years, I know how dark a place you have to be to take this step. I have almost been there a few times. I have worked on a plan many times. Today, I am glad that I never have made that decision but this suicide got me thinking about TWELVE.

Wow, TWELVE years old.  How does a child of such a young age reach this point?

I was thinking about myself at twelve. I hadn’t been depressed yet. My parents had separated and gotten back together. My older sister told me how my dad had cheated on my mom and she is the one that discovered  it. My dad was drunk most of the time. I didn’t feel he loved me. I felt betrayed by my dad and so angry at what he had done to my mom. I actually was angry at my mom for taking him back. We moved again back to the states and I returned to a school I had been at previously but it was a civilian school and I was a brat. I was extremely naive and sheltered in many ways and felt that I didn’t fit in. My former friends had matured and I was still so YOUNG.  My self-esteem was dropping tremendously. I was put in a back brace for my scoliosis which was embarrassing and uncomfortable. I was tiny. I was uncoordinated.  I was DIFFERENT but I was not depressed YET. This was in 1979. Times have changed.

Today’s kids have no escape from all these things at home. They are lucky enough to have the internet. In so many ways, it enriches our lives but the isolation can be so much worse now. I cannot imagine how I would have felt seeing photos of parties I wasn’t invited to all the time, possibly the bullying online, the boy I liked with the girl in the class. These things never go away. The experts state that cyber bullying is one of the reasons that death by suicide is rising among younger children. Add to that if the child is even more different. The child is gay or wondering if he is gay or trans or another member of the LBGTQ community. The child is doubting the religion of the family/community.  Coming out of the closet as a LBGTQ or even an atheist can be very difficult and scary.

We as adults need to learn to ask the kids in our lives are okay and truly listen. We need to not brush off their concerns and fears with “that doesn’t really matter.’ We  need to quit thinking and saying things like, what do they have to be depressed about? No, children, for the most part, do not have to worry about bills and other adult issues but their issues are real to them and are just as upsetting to them as ours are to us.

Right now, there are a few things that some parents are bringing to the school board in my town about LBGTQ and religious rights. I am not saying that this is the reason that this particular boy died by suicide as I do not know where his mind was. Only he knows, unless he left a note, why he made this ultimate decision. I hope for the survivors that it had nothing to do with these things as some of them were behind this school board issue. There is enough guilt for survivors as it is. I wish I could go back 24  hours and take this boy aside and tell him that it will get better and get him the help and support he needed. Unfortunately, none of us can do that and our small town has to deal with another young child death as well as another suicide.

Facts about suicidal thoughts in children

Suicides under 13

If you are thinking about suicide PLEASE reach out. I promise, it will get better.  If you suspect someone might be in crisis, reach out. People don’t say it unless they have thought it. You don’t want t be a survivor. Be a rescuer instead.

Suicide prevention

The first Christmas after I started my job in parking enforcement, my eldest daughter decided to start buying me socks for my stocking. The first year she bought me some Star Trek socks. 13bd_star_trek_tng_mens_socks

 

I wear a uniform at work and I usually wear shorts. When I would wear these, I would get occasional comments from people about them. On Fridays, I can wear a sports shirt so I always wear a Bronco shirt and Bronco socks. I always get comments on those, too. 20171201_143158.jpg

When I told my daughter, I guess she decided to make socks a tradition. She has continued to buy me socks. This year she bought me several fun ones, Justice League, Alien, and Wolverine. I have so much fun with these. Every day, I wear fun socks and I get comments from people of all ages. Kids, old women, old men, adults, young adults. I even had one lady a week or so ago thank me for wearing them. She said that I make people smile with my socks.  There are days that I get “I love your socks.” from dozens of people. I get told I am cool. I get told I am awesome. I get smiles and thumbs up. Yesterday, one of the delivery drivers in town told me that he is going to start calling me Socks so I guess I have a new nickname.

I am going to continue this tradition of fun socks. I told my kiddo yesterday that I need some Marvel socks. I also need to get some ankle socks for the summer that are fun but still visible. My Walking Dead ones that she got me are no show so they aren’t as fun.

In A Messy World posted this and I loved it. She didn’t tag people specifically but since I read constantly. Eighteen completed this year already, I figured I should to this..

BOOKMARKS OR RANDOM PIECES OF PAPER?

Definitely bookmarks – unless I cannot find one when needed. I never bend the pages.

STOP READING RANDOMLY
OR AFTER A CHAPTER/CERTAIN AMOUNT OF PAGES?

I rarely stop mid-chapter unless I am just not comprehending when I am reading due to fatigue.  I usually try and finish the whole book, even if I feel that the book’s getting boring. We never know how it may pan out, and  I feel that it’s respectful to finish what I started, particularly if I bought it. I’m always hopeful that it will get better, and I always want to read what happens in the end.

 DO YOU HAVE A CERTAIN PLACE AT HOME FOR READING?

I have several places I like to read at home. I read every night in bed, even if it is just ten minutes. It is part of my sleep routine. I will also read at my dining room table, patio, sofa, den. Anywhere I can get comfy at the moment and avoid distractions.

DO YOU EAT OR DRINK WHILST READING?

That depends on where and when and where I am. Unless I am eating with someone, which is rarely, I am always reading something. Even as a kid, it was the cereal boxes. I often eat while eating dinner or lunch. I will sit on my sofa and drink wine or tea when chilling with a book. In bed, nope, at least rarely.

MULTITASKING: MUSIC OR TV WHEN READING?

Nope, Books get my undivided attention. 

ONE BOOK AT A TIME OR SEVERAL?

I used to be a one book at a time person but now, not so much. When I was a one book at a time person, I was not a reader of many types of books and I would lose myself in the books. I cannot read two mysteries or horrors at the same time but I have learned that a novel with other genres going at the same time works well for me. My kindle goes with me everywhere, I always have one on my nightstand and sometimes on my work desk for lunch, instead of the kindle book. I think I have had up to five books going at a time. Just finished two this weekend.

 READING AT HOME OR EVERYWHERE?

I read everywhere except while driving but will use audio books from time to time. I go to Starbucks almost every Saturday, sit outside and read a bit. I read at lunch at work, I show up early everywhere and read a few minutes here and there. I have always been this way. Books are my best friends.

READING OUT LOUD OR SILENTLY?

The last time I read out loud, besides a passage here and there was the Harry Potter series as a family. 

BREAKING THE SPINE OR KEEPING IT LIKE NEW?

I try to keep my books as close to new as possible.

 DO YOU WRITE IN YOUR BOOKS?

Nope, never. I do not damage books.

I have come to the conclusion that I am too damn busy to date. In the past few weeks, I have had a total of three days with nothing on my calendar. Even if I had found someone that I am interested in, it would be difficult to find the time that would be fair to him or me. On the other hand, there is the part of me that knows if I found someone I was interested in, I would probably find the time.

I work from 8-5 every day and walk about 25,000 steps so I don’t tend to want to go out late on weekdays. If I go out on a weekday, I want it to be an early night. If I go out on a date, it won’t be a long one. It is good for an out with a first date but if things were to progress…….. well, maybe not so much if I want real time with the guy.  My schedule is nuts. Tuesdays and Thursdays I am in karate again. Three Wednesdays a month I have standing plans. Two of them are game night until 8 at the local winery and the other one is my Skeptic and Atheist Meeting. That leaves four nights and two days. I need time to do housework, time to chill, time for blogging, etc.  In the past few weeks I have ushered at the college concert hall twice, I have had dinner with a couple  of friends, The #Metoo march, movie with  my kid and R and his kid, and I am volunteering at the local film festival for the next few days. The next month doesn’t look as busy right now but my life is very busy and full.  I wonder if I can find the time if I find a real man that has possibility?

I wonder how others handle this. I love my alone time. I love my independence. I love being able to binge on a show with no guilt. I love being able to go in the kitchen and cook what I want when I want. I hate to be alone forever due to the fact that I have a life.

Here in my small town, we have had an event every winter for forty years now.  Snowdown  is a zany crazy week and every year has a new theme. People dress in costumes and do silly things and lots of drinking. I started taking the time off work after my divorce and really enjoying the time.

There are some events that go on all week. One event that my family has done since my kids were little is Find the Silver Bullet. Someone hides a  6 inch bullet somewhere in town and clues are given on the radio five times a day. The prize package starts at $250 but as the week goes on more and more prizes are added. There have been years that it has been a couple of thousand dollars in prizes. Needless to say, I live my life this week scheduling around listening to clues. We have almost found it a few times. Three years ago, we probably stepped on it and my eldest was standing next to the lady that found it. My eldest won’t get here until tonight this year so I have been texting her and my son clues and I have been the one doing the physical part. I don’t think we are going to find it this year. We will see.

This year the theme is Black Tie Affair so people are dressed to the nine’s this year. Lots of wonderful suits. I love a sharp dressed man. I had to be different so this was me last night. I had so many comments and fun flirts. I spent most of the evening with BFF. I think he enjoyed all the attention I was getting.

A Black Tie Affair

We started out just having a drink and then went to watch Butt Darts. People take a quarter in their butt, walk backwards and drop it on a target or something. I didn’t watch much. We were busy talking to people and then BFF played wingman and got me a phone number of an acquaintance of his that we ran into.  We walked down the street and he went up to the Euchre tournament and I went to the Magical Musical Mystery Tour. Eventually, he came down there and we went to the Gong Show and then the 80s dance. I think the funniest part of the night was when we were watching the Gong show and some woman came up and grabbed my ass. By the time we left that bar, she had grabbed my ass and boobs a few times. Just another night at Snowdown.

I am excited that tonight, my eldest gets here for the rest of the week so we can play. Today, I will be on my own for most of the day. I am about to go put on my little black dress and tomorrow I will be back in my tails.

Life has been a bit busy and crazy for the past few weeks. I thought about blogging many times and about many things BUT just have not been taking the time. I have 24 more hours with my son home and I have been enjoying every moment we have had together. I also have been doing a lot of reading and self reflection. One of the first guys I dated after my divorce was the most positive person that I have ever met. I asked him how he could always be so positive and he told me that it was because of this book by Tony Robbins that he read.

I have finally been reading this book after almost four years. I will go into it a bit in a later blog but I wanted to share one major thing that I have realized. I am GLAD that I have been alone mostly for the past five years. It has enabled me to grow. It has enabled me to learn who I really am. Time (and this book) have given me the ambition to set goals again. My life had been, for so long, all about our kids, our marriage, his career. Our kids are grown, our marriage is over and his career doesn’t affect me anymore. I have not been focusing on goals for years now. If I had stayed in the relationship with BFF or gotten serious with someone else, my focus would have become on them, their wishes, their lives, etc. This has been a great time of growth for ME and maybe, eventually, I will be able to let someone back in that fits into MY GOALS. I truly love myself and enjoy my own company. I am setting my own goals and have my own dreams now all because I have taken the time to get to know me- post marriage.

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