anxiety


My name is Wil Wheaton. I live with Chronic Depression, and I am not ashamed

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LuckyLucky by Alice Sebold

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Wow. What a book. This is the true story of the author’s brutal rape and her recovery. She is so brutally honest and the book was so detailed that I could not put it down. The description of the rape was hard to read in such detail but I think it was important for the book for the readers to be able to relate even a little bit to her story. Hearing how her relationships changed with her friends and family was difficult to imagine. One scene that really stood out for me was when she tried to get her father to understand what happened to her and why she didn’t fight more. People so often judge and blame the victim. In this book, she talks about that frequently and how she actually tried to protect others from their discomfort. She was lucky to have a lot of support and one teacher that helped her have the strength to face her attacker in court and actually convict him. This was a book of strength and courage. It was well worth the read

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I feel that I have hardly stopped since Snowdown. Last week was a recovery week and I was so tired and last weekend was catch up  at home. I have had a lot going on and have hardly had any down time at home. I hate when I have blog posts running through my head all day and I can’t get them down. I am going to try and get to some of the ones I have thought of the past couple of weeks. My big one was Valentine’s Day. It has never been my favorite “holiday” but I still always would have liked acknowledgement. Before marriage, it seemed I was always single on Valentine’s Day. Too often, a boy/man would break up with me just prior. During my marriage, I learned that the ex was not romantic at all. I would have been happy with a nice dinner, a flower or bouquet, anything even remotely romantic. He didn’t give flowers often because HIS MOM didn’t like getting flowers. I LOVE getting flowers and he knew this.  Occasionally, I would get a card or something but I learned to not expect us to do anything romantic for anything. I would suggest weekends away, even to somewhat local places so we could save money. I would suggest things all the time and he poo-pooed them all the time. The last few years of the marriage, it, of course, got worse. Six years before the divorce, our middle child was given a dozen roses at school by a boy that liked her. They were not dating. They were beautiful and I was so happy for her. We put them  in a vase and had them prominently on display. A few hours later, the ex came in, threw a single rose on the table and said, “here is your VD flower.” Wow. I just wanted to cry and shove it up his ass.

He filed for divorce on January 14th and here in Colorado, your first court date is one month later. Yep, I went to divorce court for a divorce I didn’t want on VALENTINE’S DAY. I still cannot believe they do that. There are some days that divorce court should not happen. I was a mess. I had a severe anxiety attack. The people in the courthouse sent me to Adult Protective Services downstairs to make sure I was okay. It was terrible.

Since then, I have tried to not let that day completely ruin Valentine’s for me. I could find a romantic man that enjoys doing things for his gal. My first one single was great. A guy I was dating and I went skiing and he reserved a table for us at the restaurant at the top of the mountain. I had no idea. He knew that I was having a hard time and he was so sweet. He and I were not ready for a relationship at the time. We were both the first dates after 20+ year marriages. We were good for each other and he helped me a lot. I hope I helped him. The following two years I was dating ex/bf bff and R. Exbff and  I went on a cruise right afterwards and R and I had a great date. They both gavve me flowers. Last year I was single but still received flowers from someone that was interested. I don’t know why but this year hit me hard. I was single and feeling very alone. Maybe because there have been no prospects since ice cream man. I have no idea. For the most part, I have been doing well but the days leading up to and on Valentine’s Day last week, I was getting grouchier and moodier. I cried a lot and just wanted someone to hold me. I had someone tell me to just ignore it but when yo are walking up and down main street with every window having ads for Valentines, every radio station, TV station ad is about love, it is hard to ignore. The person that told me this is basically a hermit.  I was so ready for the day to be over. I got off work and went to my car and see R drive up. He gets out of his car and tells me that he failed. He was holding a bouquet of flowers that he was going to put on my car anonymously.  He told me that he knew it was a hard day for me. I just wanted to cry. The man says there is something missing in our relationship and that is why we aren’t dating but it is obvious that he really cares for me. Why won’t he accept my heart? I would give it willingly. Oh well, he made my day better and I do know that he loves me, just not enough.

Awaken the Giant Within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Destiny!Awaken the Giant Within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Destiny! by Anthony Robbins

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I was recommended this book to me several years ago by a friend. He was the most positive person I had ever met and I asked him how he was that way. He was going through a divorce and things in his life were quite difficult but he was always happy. He told me that this book transformed his attitude about life.
It has taken me a while to actually sit down and read this book but this was definitely the right time. For many years, I was a wife and mother and all my goals and dreams involved my husband and kid. Five years ago, that all ended and my youngest graduated from high school a couple of years later. I am finally ready to focus on me and my goals again. I don’t think I realized that until I read this book. I have been thinking about goals and dreams now and am making plans. I have broken a lifelong habit of picking my skin. Tomorrow is two weeks since I picked and I actually have not had a hard time in days. I am no longer a picker. I have tried to quit all my life. Quitting smoking was easy compared to this. Suddenly, after reading this book, it has been easy to quit.
I highly recommend this book to anyone that is wanting to make positive changes in their life. I will continue to work on the assignments in the book and continue to grow and follow my new dreams and goals.

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How to reduce shootings

I don’t go into politics very often here though it really is a big part of my life. The older I get, the more I am into politics and the effects of the decisions of Washington DC. The massive shootings are one that just get harder and harder to accept. We have got to make changes. In the past couple of weeks, we had a shooting at a school in my area. A 21 year old white man went into the school acting like a student. His plan was to go into a classroom and kill everyone in it. He went to a bathroom to get geared up and a boy walked in. He shot that boy and then went into the hall and ran into a girl. He killed her. The teachers locked down all the classrooms so he was unable to just walk into one. He wandered the hallway shooting doors and then finally shot himself.  A year ago, the FBI questioned him because he was posting on web sites things that were flagged, including discussing obtaining guns for a school shooting. They didn’t find any reason to charge him with anything and a month before he did this, he LEGALLY bought the gun he used to kill the kids. This one hit way too close to home. I knew kids that went to that school. I know a teacher at that school. I have known her most of her life. I was a mess until I found out that she was okay. Our entire community was stressed as numbers and stories circulated. My co-workers son in law is SWAT and was on the scene. Our schools all had added security. Two (yes, only two) innocent kids were killed.

Why can’t we be sensible about guns in this country? Why can’t we get help for people that need it? If someone posts on the web about shooting up a school, they should NOT be able to legally buy a gun. Yes, I know he may have been able to get one anyway but why make it easy? The week before this happened, a boy was caught in the town I work in with a a gun and a list of names. Luckily, someone knew what he was planning and called Safe2Tell. Who knows how many lives were saved. I knew a kid in Vegas and know many people that had loved ones there.  I don’t know about the rest of you but I am tired of this. I am not anti-gun but I am ready for us to get sane about them. I do not want to go back to our “normal”, I am ready for us to make a change to help prevent these things from happening so often in our country

I have been reminded of why I fell in love with ex-bf. I have told him that I am not just jumping into a relationship with him again. I told him that I am scared to.

Last week, we went out for Halloween. I absolutely love Halloween and he doesn’t. He still dressed up. We were Danny and Sandy from Grease. We went out for dinner and then for drinks. We discussed when to go in for the night and he took my hands and told me that he knows how important it was for me so we could stay out as long as I wanted. I was staying with him that night. It was the first time in over a year that I was staying with him. I was looking forward to snuggling and his company. We have always been so good together.  When we got back to his place, he drew me a bath and lit candles. While the water was running he massaged my feet. He had James Taylor playing. When I got in the bath, he massaged my shoulders, back, and neck and then he read me love poems.

Damn him. I thought that I was over him. I realized that night that I am not. I felt like I had gone home. I am not jumping into a relationship or commitment with him. I told him last night that I trust him with everything except  my heart. He wants to know how to fix that. I told him time. It took us over a year to break up. We have been apart for 15 months and it is just like nothing changed. I am so comfortable with him. This is going to be interesting. I am ready for the ride and to where it goes. I wonder if he can really truly love me this time. I know he loves me but can he get to where he needs to be to stay with me?

I’ll never forget April 20th, 1999.

Source: Thoughts on Vegas, and Why Men Keep Doing This – Be Yourself

This is a real good read on what is going on with men in our society. I highly recommend The Mankind Project to help our men.

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