anxiety


Last weekend, I had a bad emotional breakdown. I had plans that went to hell and triggered this all. I was supposed to go work for a few hours and then meet a friend at the river  and play for a few hours. Earlier in the week, I had posted on Facebook that I wanted to play this weekend, either hike or paddle. This friend had said, sure. I was so excited to hang with him and get on the river. It was hot and muggy (for Durango) this past week and I had been looking forward to the cool water. When my alarm went off, I looked at my phone and had a text from my friend cancelling. I was bummed but not heartbroken until time passed. One of my feet was real sore so I didn’t feel that hiking was a wise move and you don’t play on the river alone. I asked my kids and they, of course, said no. I decided to just ride in with the kiddo and do my work when she was at her job. As we were driving in, I just lost it. I started sobbing and feeling sorry for myself. I sure hate when I get that way. For the most part, I am so happy now but when I cannot find ANYONE to go do something, I feel alone. I also have been so worried about the kiddo. She has been battling depression and suicidal thoughts for years. When I asked her the other day where she thought she would be in twenty years, she said dead. Well, that was NOT encouraging. She has no goals or dreams. I don’t know how to help her. She sees a doc occasionally. She is on meds but still has no oomph. I can barely get her out of her room except for work.  She has been through quite a few jobs in the past couple of years but for the most part has always been working. She lives with me and is supposed to pay a measly $300 in rent, her car payment, her car insurance, and her part of the cell phone, She is 22 and has chosen to not go to school at this time. Until last fall, she was having no problem covering her expenses but then her depression and anxiety got in the way and she lost a good job. She did a no call no show because she didn’t know how to deal with something going on there. Ever since then, she has been getting further and further behind in what she owes me. I won’t support her and  cannot support her. Due to her issues, I am starting to sink financially, too. She started a new job about six weeks ago and was told it would be 30 hours a week. With that, she would be able to cover her expenses AND catch up but they have not been giving er even close to that. Instead she has been working about ten hours a week. Not even enough to cover her bills, not including rent. I have been stressing about her mental health as well as my finances. I am trying so hard. I have a side job that is earning me $60-80 a week. It has helped a lot. I started this the same time she started her newest job. I have been telling her for weeks to talk to her boss about her hours but she wouldn’t do it. She hates confrontation. I try to  not let her know how much her situation stresses me out as I don’t want to push her over the edge. As I am sitting there crying, I am thinking to myself that I am pushing her with the breakdown which makes me feel worse. I have no one I can talk to about her situation. I cannot talk to the dad. We do not communicate at all. Everyone has so many words of advice but basically they do not understand her mental health.  I am feeling alone. I really wish I had a best friend here. Not having a man would be a lot more bearable. I dropped her off at work and pulled myself together for my PT job but was down all day. I did get some encouragement as she did finally talk to her boss and had about thirty hours this week. If she can keep this job, things will look up and she seems to like this one. I hope that things are looking up and we can turn things around. I am  hoping I can get out of this funk that I am in.

I never thought that watching someone else’s break-up would devastate me so personally but I was wrong. My best friend (ex-bf) and his new girlfriend broke up about ten days ago. I cried for two days. I am just absolutely heart- broken for him. He loves her so much. They were going to go back east to meet his family and she was in the process of moving in with him when she broke it off. He was stunned and I am struggling.

After a couple of days, I realized two things. I was heart-broken for him. I thought he had finally found what he was looking for.  He was so damn happy and I so wanted that for him. The second thing I realized was they gave me  hope. To have her walk away so suddenly when things were so good, makes me have less faith that I might find someone. I truly believe a lot of what happened to them was cold feet for her but he is so angry and hurt that he says he doesn’t want to try if she decided she wants to.

I do not understand. We are all in our fifties. She admits she loves him. He loves her. Why the hell are they both so damn stubborn and not willing to work through the issue. I am done crying over them and will be there for him so he won’t withdraw from the world. I sure wish they could work things out. I loved seeing him so happy. Now, I get to worry about him.

and I felt great!! If you have read my old posts, you would  know what a mess I was. I was suffering from chronic pain for years. I thought that I was going to be in pain every day for the rest of my life. Getting older  scared the hell out of me. I was depressed and suicidal. I was actually working on a plan. I had started getting better when the ex-husband filed for divorce. At that point, I remember standing in my bedroom  door and telling him that he was not going to send me there again. I had come too far at that time and did NOT want to go backwards. It has been a long and difficult journey but I am healthier both physically and mentally than I have been in probably fifteen years.

The person I ran into was my former therapist from when I was going through the divorce. I haven’t seen her in a few years. Last time I saw her, I was having anxiety attacks for the  first time in my life. I  was such a mess. The divorce wasn’t over yet but I only got eight free sessions and couldn’t afford to go back. The next year, I chose not to. We talked for a bit and I filled her in on the past four years. She told me she couldn’t believe how good I looked. She actually stated that I look ten years younger. We finished our conversation with a hug and the tears started flowing.

As I walked away, I realized how good that felt. She was the person that I had shared everything with and I was able to honestly tell her how happy I currently am. I had nothing negative to tell her except the normal money and worry about your kids stress. It is so nice to have that be the only thing that I worry about.