anger


My name is Wil Wheaton. I live with Chronic Depression, and I am not ashamed

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I am so heart broken today. We had a local twelve year old die from suicide last night. I know nothing about this boy. I do not know his family but we have friends in common. That is all not relative to my feelings. As someone that has battled depression off and on for close to forty years, I know how dark a place you have to be to take this step. I have almost been there a few times. I have worked on a plan many times. Today, I am glad that I never have made that decision but this suicide got me thinking about TWELVE.

Wow, TWELVE years old.  How does a child of such a young age reach this point?

I was thinking about myself at twelve. I hadn’t been depressed yet. My parents had separated and gotten back together. My older sister told me how my dad had cheated on my mom and she is the one that discovered  it. My dad was drunk most of the time. I didn’t feel he loved me. I felt betrayed by my dad and so angry at what he had done to my mom. I actually was angry at my mom for taking him back. We moved again back to the states and I returned to a school I had been at previously but it was a civilian school and I was a brat. I was extremely naive and sheltered in many ways and felt that I didn’t fit in. My former friends had matured and I was still so YOUNG.  My self-esteem was dropping tremendously. I was put in a back brace for my scoliosis which was embarrassing and uncomfortable. I was tiny. I was uncoordinated.  I was DIFFERENT but I was not depressed YET. This was in 1979. Times have changed.

Today’s kids have no escape from all these things at home. They are lucky enough to have the internet. In so many ways, it enriches our lives but the isolation can be so much worse now. I cannot imagine how I would have felt seeing photos of parties I wasn’t invited to all the time, possibly the bullying online, the boy I liked with the girl in the class. These things never go away. The experts state that cyber bullying is one of the reasons that death by suicide is rising among younger children. Add to that if the child is even more different. The child is gay or wondering if he is gay or trans or another member of the LBGTQ community. The child is doubting the religion of the family/community.  Coming out of the closet as a LBGTQ or even an atheist can be very difficult and scary.

We as adults need to learn to ask the kids in our lives are okay and truly listen. We need to not brush off their concerns and fears with “that doesn’t really matter.’ We  need to quit thinking and saying things like, what do they have to be depressed about? No, children, for the most part, do not have to worry about bills and other adult issues but their issues are real to them and are just as upsetting to them as ours are to us.

Right now, there are a few things that some parents are bringing to the school board in my town about LBGTQ and religious rights. I am not saying that this is the reason that this particular boy died by suicide as I do not know where his mind was. Only he knows, unless he left a note, why he made this ultimate decision. I hope for the survivors that it had nothing to do with these things as some of them were behind this school board issue. There is enough guilt for survivors as it is. I wish I could go back 24  hours and take this boy aside and tell him that it will get better and get him the help and support he needed. Unfortunately, none of us can do that and our small town has to deal with another young child death as well as another suicide.

Facts about suicidal thoughts in children

Suicides under 13

If you are thinking about suicide PLEASE reach out. I promise, it will get better.  If you suspect someone might be in crisis, reach out. People don’t say it unless they have thought it. You don’t want t be a survivor. Be a rescuer instead.

Suicide prevention

Tonight was another disastrous first date. I met this one on POF. He actually read my profile and his profile looked hopeful. We chatted for a couple of days and I took the bull by the horns and suggested we meet for coffee or a drink. He said a drink sounded good and we set the day for today. This morning, I wake up with a message from him that he waited for an hour LAST night. Boy did I feel bad though he is the one that messed up. We decided to still meet tonight so after work today, I rushed over to the winery for a nice glass of wine and a date.

He got there early (a plus), he was clean, polite, kind, had his teeth. Not the best looking guy but not bad either. I know opinions of looks can change when you get to know someone. We both ordered a glass of wine and the conversation started. I made the mistake of asking about his kids and how long since he had been divorced about five minutes in. I thought those were simple questions. Tell me about your kids. State a number of years since divorce and then move on to a new subject. Instead, the rest of our ninety minutes was spent learning about his marriage, details of fights in the marriage, and how awful she is. He did ask me one question. What happened to my marriage? I told him that I really didn’t know. I was surprised with the divorce and it didn’t really matter.

He went on to tell me about how she has full custody, he hasn’t seen the two younger kids in years, and there is a restraining order against him from her. These things are all based on lies though. He did nothing wrong. Supposedly, he has been plotting to kill her and the kids.  He went into details about fights they had and how she is turning the kids against him. I think this man needs to take more time before he dates again. He and I got divorced the same year and I do not want to talk about my marriage or ex hardly anymore much less let it monopolize a date. If his ex really is that nuts, I don’t want to be around all that negativity anyway. I think it was another first and last date. I just see too many red flags and negativity

How to reduce shootings

I don’t go into politics very often here though it really is a big part of my life. The older I get, the more I am into politics and the effects of the decisions of Washington DC. The massive shootings are one that just get harder and harder to accept. We have got to make changes. In the past couple of weeks, we had a shooting at a school in my area. A 21 year old white man went into the school acting like a student. His plan was to go into a classroom and kill everyone in it. He went to a bathroom to get geared up and a boy walked in. He shot that boy and then went into the hall and ran into a girl. He killed her. The teachers locked down all the classrooms so he was unable to just walk into one. He wandered the hallway shooting doors and then finally shot himself.  A year ago, the FBI questioned him because he was posting on web sites things that were flagged, including discussing obtaining guns for a school shooting. They didn’t find any reason to charge him with anything and a month before he did this, he LEGALLY bought the gun he used to kill the kids. This one hit way too close to home. I knew kids that went to that school. I know a teacher at that school. I have known her most of her life. I was a mess until I found out that she was okay. Our entire community was stressed as numbers and stories circulated. My co-workers son in law is SWAT and was on the scene. Our schools all had added security. Two (yes, only two) innocent kids were killed.

Why can’t we be sensible about guns in this country? Why can’t we get help for people that need it? If someone posts on the web about shooting up a school, they should NOT be able to legally buy a gun. Yes, I know he may have been able to get one anyway but why make it easy? The week before this happened, a boy was caught in the town I work in with a a gun and a list of names. Luckily, someone knew what he was planning and called Safe2Tell. Who knows how many lives were saved. I knew a kid in Vegas and know many people that had loved ones there.  I don’t know about the rest of you but I am tired of this. I am not anti-gun but I am ready for us to get sane about them. I do not want to go back to our “normal”, I am ready for us to make a change to help prevent these things from happening so often in our country

So many of my male friends are shocked by the #metoo stories and how many women they know with stories. Somany of them are asking what they can or should do, this is a good read regarding this.

 

#MeToo testimonies are flooding our social media feeds. For men, realizing complicity can be uncomfortable. On seeing this discomfort as a challenge.

Source: For Guys Reading #MeToo Testimonies — Courtney Martin | On Being

I’ll never forget April 20th, 1999.

Source: Thoughts on Vegas, and Why Men Keep Doing This – Be Yourself

This is a real good read on what is going on with men in our society. I highly recommend The Mankind Project to help our men.

I am trying so hard to not be negative and not distrust but it is so hard for me.

Ice Cream guy and I were supposed to be together on Friday night. I have a friend that I occasionally go out with for drinks on Friday night.  Two weeks ago, I didn’t join him and his wife (also a good friend) to be with ice cream man. I haven’t hung out with this friend in a while and wanted to catch up. I asked ice cream guy if he would mind us joining the other friend for a short while. If he had said no, I would have been okay with it. He doesn’t drink but has also told me that he is regularly a DD for his friends and was okay in bars. He had met my friend briefly a couple of weeks ago and wanted them to get to know each other, The other guy (Coke dealer) and I have been friends for 31 years. I met him and his wife before they knew each other at the same time.  We have maintained this friendship. Our families are close. He is like a brother to me. He looks out for me and my kids and I am there for him and his family. I didn’t want to stay long but thought it would go okay. Boy, was I wrong.

I had thought the wife was coming also until the last minute. She ended up going to one of their kids as she was in crisis AGAIN. Ice Cream guy shows up, the guys talk for a minute but my guy is very quiet. Coke guy goes to restroom and ice cream guy says this isn’t his scene and was very cold. Friend came back, ice cream guy leaves minutes later and won’t talk to me. I freak out. I cannot date someone that won’t talk to me, that just walks away upset and won’t tell me why. Friend tells me to go after him. I did but he told me to leave him alone and kept walking. I went back to bar and proceeded to cry. Coke guy asked if he was the problem or the bar but I had no idea what triggered him. I tried calling him but his phone was off. I finished my beer and went home and cried for hours.

I texted him good morning on Saturday and he finally responded. He stated that I did nothing wrong. He had spent the afternoon looking at finances and was upset about his income.  He said he needed the weekend. So I texted him back and told him I would give him his space. I haven’t heard from or contacted him since.

There is a part of me that wants to just say to hell with him. He was a jerk and unreasonable to not talk to me.  I also know that it is hard to make it here financially and he really wants to stay here. He is having a hard time finding a decent place to live that is affordable. Having me in his life has definitely complicated matters. He actually found a place a couple of weeks ago but told me it wouldn’t work because WE would have no privacy. I know how men can internalize these things and how money can be such an issue. He actually has told me that he has had gals break up with him in the past because he didn’t make enough.  I don’t know what is going to happen now. I do know that if this continues with us, he needs to know that for me, what he did the other day was way to hard for me to deal with. I need communication. If he had just said, I had a rough day and cannot handle this I would have understood. I will not be with a man that just shuts down like that when upset. I did that for years. Never again.

As difficult as it is, I will not contact him until he contacts me. No good morning, no good night, no how are you? There is part of me that wants to just close off my heart to  men completely now. It hurt so much the other night. Is it worth it? I am not sure. My playing the field with guys with no thought of a future was not painful at all just lonely at times. I guess I will wait and see for now and give him a chance, if he wants it. If not, I will continue taking care of myself and enjoying life.

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