anger


So many of my male friends are shocked by the #metoo stories and how many women they know with stories. Somany of them are asking what they can or should do, this is a good read regarding this.

 

#MeToo testimonies are flooding our social media feeds. For men, realizing complicity can be uncomfortable. On seeing this discomfort as a challenge.

Source: For Guys Reading #MeToo Testimonies — Courtney Martin | On Being

Advertisements

I’ll never forget April 20th, 1999.

Source: Thoughts on Vegas, and Why Men Keep Doing This – Be Yourself

This is a real good read on what is going on with men in our society. I highly recommend The Mankind Project to help our men.

I am trying so hard to not be negative and not distrust but it is so hard for me.

Ice Cream guy and I were supposed to be together on Friday night. I have a friend that I occasionally go out with for drinks on Friday night.  Two weeks ago, I didn’t join him and his wife (also a good friend) to be with ice cream man. I haven’t hung out with this friend in a while and wanted to catch up. I asked ice cream guy if he would mind us joining the other friend for a short while. If he had said no, I would have been okay with it. He doesn’t drink but has also told me that he is regularly a DD for his friends and was okay in bars. He had met my friend briefly a couple of weeks ago and wanted them to get to know each other, The other guy (Coke dealer) and I have been friends for 31 years. I met him and his wife before they knew each other at the same time.  We have maintained this friendship. Our families are close. He is like a brother to me. He looks out for me and my kids and I am there for him and his family. I didn’t want to stay long but thought it would go okay. Boy, was I wrong.

I had thought the wife was coming also until the last minute. She ended up going to one of their kids as she was in crisis AGAIN. Ice Cream guy shows up, the guys talk for a minute but my guy is very quiet. Coke guy goes to restroom and ice cream guy says this isn’t his scene and was very cold. Friend came back, ice cream guy leaves minutes later and won’t talk to me. I freak out. I cannot date someone that won’t talk to me, that just walks away upset and won’t tell me why. Friend tells me to go after him. I did but he told me to leave him alone and kept walking. I went back to bar and proceeded to cry. Coke guy asked if he was the problem or the bar but I had no idea what triggered him. I tried calling him but his phone was off. I finished my beer and went home and cried for hours.

I texted him good morning on Saturday and he finally responded. He stated that I did nothing wrong. He had spent the afternoon looking at finances and was upset about his income.  He said he needed the weekend. So I texted him back and told him I would give him his space. I haven’t heard from or contacted him since.

There is a part of me that wants to just say to hell with him. He was a jerk and unreasonable to not talk to me.  I also know that it is hard to make it here financially and he really wants to stay here. He is having a hard time finding a decent place to live that is affordable. Having me in his life has definitely complicated matters. He actually found a place a couple of weeks ago but told me it wouldn’t work because WE would have no privacy. I know how men can internalize these things and how money can be such an issue. He actually has told me that he has had gals break up with him in the past because he didn’t make enough.  I don’t know what is going to happen now. I do know that if this continues with us, he needs to know that for me, what he did the other day was way to hard for me to deal with. I need communication. If he had just said, I had a rough day and cannot handle this I would have understood. I will not be with a man that just shuts down like that when upset. I did that for years. Never again.

As difficult as it is, I will not contact him until he contacts me. No good morning, no good night, no how are you? There is part of me that wants to just close off my heart to  men completely now. It hurt so much the other night. Is it worth it? I am not sure. My playing the field with guys with no thought of a future was not painful at all just lonely at times. I guess I will wait and see for now and give him a chance, if he wants it. If not, I will continue taking care of myself and enjoying life.

I live in a small Colorado town where everyone is connected to everyone. If you do not know someone, they know a friend of yours. We have very little crime and most of it is minor stuff. That changed in November 2012. We had a thirteen year old boy disappear. He was a grade below my son. They were not friends but went to school together. So many of the kids hang out at the library after school and both the boys did. Dylan, his brother, and mother had moved away and Dylan was forced to come to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with his dad. He disappeared the day after he got here. He was supposed to hang out with friends and never showed up. Our community went into a stressed state. There were assumptions that Dylan might have run away to try to get back to his mom. We were all hoping that he was okay but we were also concerned about our kids. For a period of time, no one was letting there kids out of their sight alone. We didn’t know if he had been abducted (or worse) or had run away. Quickly fingers started pointing at the dad that he had done something to Dylan. I do not know either of the parents but it just saddened me to think that people were so fast to blame the dad. The parents accused each other. They ended up on Dr Phil. Eventually, this wasn’t mentioned dailly BUT it was in the back of our minds. I had such mixed feelings about it. I wanted it to be the dad because I hated the thought that we had a crazy in our town that took the kid BUT I also  didn’t want it to be the dad. How sad to live with killing your child. How sad to kill your child. The more time that passed, the more the accusations to the dad grew. I kept thinking how terrible it was if he were innocent. His life was ruined no matter what. If innocent, no one would ever believe that. If guilty, well, that is the unthinkable to me.

As time has passed, there have been many searches in the woods and at the dad’s place. Partial remains were found and his death was ruled a homicide. Occasionally, we would hear bits and pieces of the investigation but I never thought an arrest would be made. That changed today. Mark Redwine was arrested for the murder of his son. Maybe we can have some closure here in our small town. Evidence has now been released and it looks bad for the father. I hope they are right.

I wouldn’t want to be on this jury but I could be partial.  The thought of killing my child is so horrific that they would definitely have to prove it to me. My son was actually called in for the grand jury but was dismissed and didn’t know this was the case he was almost on. I just hope that this is the end of the story and the mom and brother can finally move on to their new normal.

#JusticeForDylan

Last weekend, I had a bad emotional breakdown. I had plans that went to hell and triggered this all. I was supposed to go work for a few hours and then meet a friend at the river  and play for a few hours. Earlier in the week, I had posted on Facebook that I wanted to play this weekend, either hike or paddle. This friend had said, sure. I was so excited to hang with him and get on the river. It was hot and muggy (for Durango) this past week and I had been looking forward to the cool water. When my alarm went off, I looked at my phone and had a text from my friend cancelling. I was bummed but not heartbroken until time passed. One of my feet was real sore so I didn’t feel that hiking was a wise move and you don’t play on the river alone. I asked my kids and they, of course, said no. I decided to just ride in with the kiddo and do my work when she was at her job. As we were driving in, I just lost it. I started sobbing and feeling sorry for myself. I sure hate when I get that way. For the most part, I am so happy now but when I cannot find ANYONE to go do something, I feel alone. I also have been so worried about the kiddo. She has been battling depression and suicidal thoughts for years. When I asked her the other day where she thought she would be in twenty years, she said dead. Well, that was NOT encouraging. She has no goals or dreams. I don’t know how to help her. She sees a doc occasionally. She is on meds but still has no oomph. I can barely get her out of her room except for work.  She has been through quite a few jobs in the past couple of years but for the most part has always been working. She lives with me and is supposed to pay a measly $300 in rent, her car payment, her car insurance, and her part of the cell phone, She is 22 and has chosen to not go to school at this time. Until last fall, she was having no problem covering her expenses but then her depression and anxiety got in the way and she lost a good job. She did a no call no show because she didn’t know how to deal with something going on there. Ever since then, she has been getting further and further behind in what she owes me. I won’t support her and  cannot support her. Due to her issues, I am starting to sink financially, too. She started a new job about six weeks ago and was told it would be 30 hours a week. With that, she would be able to cover her expenses AND catch up but they have not been giving er even close to that. Instead she has been working about ten hours a week. Not even enough to cover her bills, not including rent. I have been stressing about her mental health as well as my finances. I am trying so hard. I have a side job that is earning me $60-80 a week. It has helped a lot. I started this the same time she started her newest job. I have been telling her for weeks to talk to her boss about her hours but she wouldn’t do it. She hates confrontation. I try to  not let her know how much her situation stresses me out as I don’t want to push her over the edge. As I am sitting there crying, I am thinking to myself that I am pushing her with the breakdown which makes me feel worse. I have no one I can talk to about her situation. I cannot talk to the dad. We do not communicate at all. Everyone has so many words of advice but basically they do not understand her mental health.  I am feeling alone. I really wish I had a best friend here. Not having a man would be a lot more bearable. I dropped her off at work and pulled myself together for my PT job but was down all day. I did get some encouragement as she did finally talk to her boss and had about thirty hours this week. If she can keep this job, things will look up and she seems to like this one. I hope that things are looking up and we can turn things around. I am  hoping I can get out of this funk that I am in.

I never thought that watching someone else’s break-up would devastate me so personally but I was wrong. My best friend (ex-bf) and his new girlfriend broke up about ten days ago. I cried for two days. I am just absolutely heart- broken for him. He loves her so much. They were going to go back east to meet his family and she was in the process of moving in with him when she broke it off. He was stunned and I am struggling.

After a couple of days, I realized two things. I was heart-broken for him. I thought he had finally found what he was looking for.  He was so damn happy and I so wanted that for him. The second thing I realized was they gave me  hope. To have her walk away so suddenly when things were so good, makes me have less faith that I might find someone. I truly believe a lot of what happened to them was cold feet for her but he is so angry and hurt that he says he doesn’t want to try if she decided she wants to.

I do not understand. We are all in our fifties. She admits she loves him. He loves her. Why the hell are they both so damn stubborn and not willing to work through the issue. I am done crying over them and will be there for him so he won’t withdraw from the world. I sure wish they could work things out. I loved seeing him so happy. Now, I get to worry about him.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2016/06/my-world-would-be-so-different-if-you-were-still-alive/

Next Page »