I am so surprised by my emotions today. R is such a wonderful man He owns a carpet cleaning business and even though we haven’t been a couple in so long, came over to do my bedroom for free. I actually asked him how much and he said he wouldn’t charge me. Today, he comes over on his day off and cleans my bedroom and my sofa and futon in the Bronco/TV room.

We sit down afterwards and have some lemonade  and talk. He asks me about the ice cream man. That is what everyone has dubbed the new guy so I guess that is his moniker here. I told him a little as how well things are going. We chatted a bit and then he packed up his equipment and we hugged. I told him that I love him and for the first time he told me the same. I just started crying and told him that I know. I have always known. Damn, I am such a big baby. We dated for about four weeks in winter of 2016. I knew we didn’t have a future very early as he told me that something was missing and he didn’t  know what. We have had so many good times but we have never really been a couple. He is one of the best people that I have ever known. It is difficult to move on but it is time. He dated someone else for a couple of months this summer and I finally met someone worth giving a chance. I have met several of his siblings and adore them all. I guess there was a part of me that thought things would change. He kid loves me, too. I will always love him but for now, it is time to truly try and move on. I couldn’t kiss him when he was here. That is the first  time that I haven’t wanted to kiss him since we met in January of 2016. I hate emotions sometimes. I am the one moving on. I am crazy about the ice cream guy. I can see a possible future with him.

Why am I crying so much over R? Maybe I loved him more than I realized. Maybe, it is fear of our future as friend. Maybe it is fear of change. He has been here for me for so long. Maybe it is because, he hasn’t found someone and I want him to be happy. I feel like I am abandoning him. His kid is with the mom now and his dog is dying slowly. I don’t want him to be alone. I do love him and always will. I want to be with the ice cream man now. I think there could be a future. Why was it so hard to let R go today? I felt like we were breaking up. He wiped my tears away and hugged me tighter. Maybe he had become a security blanket for me.  I don’t know but I have been crying off and on since he left my house.  I want us both to be happy. Love is so damn confusing.

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