This being single thing is so difficult. I am okay with it most of the time. I am content by myself. I have my own interests. I love quiet time to read, watch what I want, be myself without worrying about what anyone else thinks. I love the freedom to be with R on one night, A another, the married one on another and banker man on another. Not that that really happens but I CAN. I can flirt with whomever I want whenever I want. I can kiss a random stranger when drunk and not get in trouble.

On the other hand, there are moments where I am miserable by myself. I feel lonely. I feel like I need someone to be with me during some occasions. I never seem to know when I am going to be hit with that “I need someone”moments. When I get into one of these moods, I want a partner. I want someone to hold me at night. I want to wake up with that same person in the morning.

I think I treasure the first paragraph because I am afraid of falling again and getting hurt again. There are several men in my life that if given a chance, we could possibly have a future.  I have gone out with A, R, and the banker several times. They are all nice guys but there is no future with any of them. I enjoy being with them. There is definitely chemistry with all of them, especially the banker and R.  R and I have been involved for a year now. They all have let me know that there is no future so I have not let myself get attached romantically. I have just been enjoying the time I get with them when it happens. The married one is amazing but obviously there is no future there. These guys are all safe BUT they will never fill my needs. As I said, most of the time, I am fine with this. Friday night, I was hit with a moment of loneliness. I was out with the ex and his gf, my daughter and two other girlfriends.  We were having a great time but by the end of the night, I was so down and so lonely. I was the only single one there. It was a big event here in town and so there were a lot of couples. I ended up in tears.

I am not actively looking right now. I am not sure I want to be but I also know that I don’t want to be alone forever. What a conundrum I am in. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to lose my freedom. I want a partner but I also want to be able to make my own choices. How do I get past my fears and insecurities? How do I ever truly trust again? How to I learn to be with someone again. I tried that with the ex-bf and letting him go has been next to impossible. I am a flirt and am flirted with a lot but I have also set some high standards for a true partner. Are they impossible to meet? Possibly. I want someone with my religious and political beliefs. I want someone who can love my children and they him in return. I want someone with amazing chemistry. I want someone FUN. I want a real smart man. Smart is sexy. I want someone who wants to travel. I want someone that is happy and can be happy with or without me.

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