I truly believe that to an extent loving someone is a choice. I know there were a couple of times in my marriage that I made the choice to continue loving or try to love the husband again. I know when my eldest was 2 (she is almost 26 now) I was ready to leave him. We had been in Illinois for a year and things were not going well. We were dirt poor and struggled so much financially. He has been gaining weight like crazy. We had bought our first house. I loved out neighbors and home but his commute was about three hours a day. His parents lived four hours away and they expected us to come “home” every three day weekend. Our daughter would get car sick anytime she was in the car for over thirty minutes and I could tell when we got there that they had no desire to see me. I would be lucky if there were even a dozen things said to me all weekend.  My father in law and I had NOTHING in common. He is a male chauvinistic pig that treats his wife like crap and I knew that my mother in law didn’t approve of me. I was raised Catholic and was an atheist. I was a city girl and never fit in. They also lived in a town of about 700 people so there was nothing to do. I would sit there in the house, feeling unwelcome, every time we went.  I eventually told my husband to go on my drill weekends so they would have time with him and our eldest and not feel like they had to fake it with me.

The husband and I kept drifting apart. He was exhausted from working all the time. I was exhausted from being a full time single mom basically since when he would get home it was almost bed time for the kiddo.  We were struggling financially on top of everything else. I was lonely. Except for our next door neighbor, I was lonely as hell and I couldn’t stand Illinois. It was too freakin hot in the summer and you didn’t leave your house in the winter. I was used to Colorado where there was so much to do. There was no place to hike and all the things to do in the Chicago area took money. I was miserable but he was mostly happy. He was near his mom and several of his siblings. I had no one except for my Army buddies. I so looked forward to drill weekends I actually had a couple of guys in my unit that I could have had relationships with, if I hadn’t been one to keep my promises.

On our daughter’s second birthday, my mother and his parents all came out to visit. That weekend almost destroyed our marriage. Our daughter was real ill. I tried to hard to make his mother part of the family. I even tried to let her have time alone with my daughter while my mom and I went out together. She took everything I did wrong and went and told my husband that I was being awful to her. She lied to him about things and he believed her. He believed that I made fun of her for being fat. He believed other things she said. I truly, to this day, feel like she was trying to break us up. I spent the next nine months planning on leaving him. We were coming to Colorado the following Christmas and I was going to stay with our kid and not go back to Illinois. I had made plans to get away from what was going on. In that several months, I debated leaving and in the beginning, hated seeing him when he came home daily. We were in such a bad place but I ended up deciding to try and fix things for all of us, especially for our kid. I made a conscious effort to fall for him again. I started looking for the good and ignoring the bad. Eventually, I was in love with him again.

When we first meet someone and fall in love we only see the good. We get butterflies when we think  of the person. We get excited to see them. As we get to know someone, we start to see the other side. We fall out of love when we quit seeing that the good out weighs the bad. I told my ex-husband that if he chose to, he could love me again. He was so focused on the negative, that he forgot the positive in our relationship. At one time, we enjoyed each other. We had fun together. We loved each other. When he started focusing on only the bad, he fell out of love. I truly think that if he had chosen to focus on those things, he could have loved me again.

I see the same thing with ex-bf. He loved me but there was one area that was a mess. I truly believe that was the reason that he had to let me go and quit loving me. I couldn’t fix this one thing so he had to let me go. He even admitted that he was hoping he could find the woman that could fix this issue for him.

I think R cannot love anyone because he is so dedicated to being a great dad. The mom can’t stay here. She keeps going from relationship to relationship so R is the stability in the boys life. He knows that he needs to be a dad first and that is why he cannot find love. He almost admitted this to me recently. He told me that maybe he needed to wait until the boy was grown before he could have real relationship.

How much of loving someone is a choice and how much is not? I believe that a lot of it is intellectual. We rule someone out based on so many things. What makes is truly be in love with someone? I would love to hear your opinions on this.

 

 

 

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