I thought things were getting better in my marriage. We had had a great holiday season. I thought things were turning around. It had been sketchy for a while but I never wanted to give up hope. I believed in love. I believed in marriage. Most of all, I believe in promises.

I was in a great mood and the husband came home and directed me into the bedroom. I thought he was going to do something romantic, instead, he told me that I was going to be served in the next couple of days as he had filed for divorce that day. Not only had he blindsided me with this. He had hired an attorney with the most vicious reputation in town. He claimed he didn’t know her reputation but I didn’t buy it. I know he had to have asked someone who to hire. I felt so betrayed on so many levels. The holiday was a lie. He hired Deb. He had been talking to her for almost 18 months so almost two years was a lie.

There were so many things that were done in that time frame that I wouldn’t have gone along with had I known that he was leaving me. We traded in MY car for him to get his BRAND NEW dream truck and I was given a car that was not what I wanted. We got rid of our pool table. Those are a couple of the things I just cannot seem to get past. The car he left me with was such a lemon. I ended up having to replace the engine less than a year after the divorce and then last year had another 2000 to put into it. Those expenses have hurt me terribly and sent me into debt. I cannot help but resent the fact that he has that stupid truck and I had that car. It was totaled last summer so it is gone. At least, I do not have to get in it and think about it daily but I do miss that pool table often.

I did love him at one time and believed in love, marriage, and mainly promises. I do not break promises. I still get angry that he wouldn’t fight for our marriage. I resent that he used my atheism against me yet he was the one breaking his religion by getting a divorce. I had nothing but my word and my love for him keeping me fighting for our marriage for the final eight years that we struggled.

I did cry for months, every day. I worked at the local hospital that he had worked at for sixteen years. We live in a small town so people know each other, especially the medical community. Since we were both in medicine, we knew so many of the same people professionally. It was so difficult to go to work and have people daily ask how he was, tell me to tell him hi, etc. I would always break down in tears. This lasted for easily two months. I went through the stages of grief, including anger. It would have been much easier if he had moved out but I couldn’t afford an attorney and he stayed until the divorce was final almost nine months later. He did so much damage to me and the kids in that time frame. I imagine that I will share much of that as time goes on.

By the time we got divorced, my self esteem was in the gutter, I never thought that I would have sex again. I didn’t think I was even pretty, much less beautiful. I didn’t think anyone would ever love me again or I could love again. When we met, I was active duty Army and had great self confidence. It is amazing what verbal abuse and living with a narcissist for 23 years will do to you. I had been suicidal in 2008 and probably part of 2009 but I was at least healthy enough mentally that I didn’t go down that path again. In fact, I remember one night telling him that he was NOT  going to kill me. I would live through the divorce and I would be okay. I was determined to not get suicidal again and I have not. I have had moments, very brief, where I have felt like I might go down that road again but I have endured and survived.

I was blogging prior to his filing about my depression and he took it all as an attack  and reflecting poorly on him so that blog is gone. I hope to be able to release these things again as they are healing for me and I did have several people tell me how it helped them. I have survived and am stronger and healthier than I have been in ten years. There is life after divorce. It is not always easy. Financially, I struggle (a lot due to that lemon car he gave me) but I am happier. I am allowed to be me without being criticized. I can go do things without feeling guilty leaving my partner sitting on the sofa watching television and getting fat. I do miss having a partner but, honestly, he wasn’t a partner for many years prior to him blindsiding me. He had been planning for years. I am sure he was stashing money. I would not be surprised if he had had a girlfriend at the time. Those things do not matter anymore. I am happy now. I am not sure he is. I am not happy that we cannot speak anymore and I cannot let go of anger towards him yet. Most of it is from things he did that affected the kids negatively. I know my anger affected my relationship with ex-bf. I have got to learn to let so much more go before I can be serious with someone. If he can quit hurting the kids, that would be much easier.