Well, I am sitting here with my son watching television on New Years Eve. The past two years I was with ex-bf. It is actually strange not seeing him at all today. We did talk and it is so nice to hear him so happy and in love, though I have to admit that I am a little jealous that he has found love and I am alone. I am sad that he was unable to find it with me. I guess I will have my puppy to hold all night.

I did have a great night last night with R. I wish we could have had it tonight. It would have definitely helped me get through this damn holiday. We ended up at one of the local hot springs and then his place. We had dinner and watched a movie. We snuggled and more and he held me all night. It was so nice to wake up still in his arms this morning. He is such a sweet, gentle, and kind man. It is really unfortunate that we haven’t had a deeper connection. Whomever he ends up with will be a very lucky woman. In the mean time, I will enjoy our occasional nights together and our support of each other and our friendship. I do love him but not in the way needed and he is the same way with me. Something is missing and neither of us know what. We have discussed how unfortunate it is that things haven’t changed between us. We both wish that we could change that. I do think that if he were to fall in love with me, I could possibly put down a wall and fall for him, too. Oh well, the wall is there to protect me. It would be real sad if what is keeping us apart is our both protecting ourselves. I never thought I could be with someone that doesn’t talk much but, though he is quiet, I am very comfortable with him. The way he looks at  me says everything. I know he cares about me. I know he finds me attractive. I know that he finds me desirable and enjoys my company. Oh well. I will enjoy what we have while we have it and look into those eyes and read them every chance I get.

Tomorrow is the beginning of a new year. I wonder what it will bring. I know it will bring challenges and rewards. I know it will bring tears and laughter. I know it will bring heartbreak and hopefully love. Thank you everyone for reading and commenting. I am glad to share and meet others going through similar things. We are stronger together.