Before I was married, my mother started having a party during the holiday season. It was always so fun so when I had my own family, we continued the tradition in our home. The party has varied every year from being just a couple of people to having fifty people come and go throughout the night. We have had parties that were mainly little kids to now, mostly adults and college age young adults. My kids have grown up with this party as have many of their friends. It has become such a tradition but at times has been overwhelming and I think about not doing it the following year.

Since the divorce, I have continued the tradition but it has been a struggle. My kids haven’t always been here. The eldest wasn’t here this year. My sister and mother came down the first year and helped me out. It definitely helped having some family here since it was my first time hosting it without a spouse. The last two years, I had Ex-Bf with me. This season has been such a struggle for me and I actually had considered cancelling the party earlier this week, until Ex-bf told me that he wanted to come and bring his new gf. I had invited him and told him he could bring her but didn’t expect him to say yes. Suddenly, I had a party that one person had said they were coming to having a reason to have it again. I just really wanted a date for myself but that was not to be. It was my first time hosting this shindig on my own and I was nervous about meeting her.

Last night was the party and the snow had come in, our road wasn’t plowed and I couldn’t find anyone to do my driveway so I thought no one would show up. Instead we had a nice small gathering. Two girlfriends and their husbands, another girlfriend and her daughter (who is a friend of my son), my son’s best friend (my other son by love), and my ex-bf and his new girlfriend. We had such a nice visit. Music, rock band in the back room, food, liquor, and laughter. I really liked the new girlfriend but it was sure difficult seeing him with her. When people left, they all said they look forward to next year, as always. I had been thinking all week that maybe it was time to stop this tradition but I just cannot do that. I always feel so good after the gathering. This year, all but my sons best friend, we were all atheists and we toasted to all the holidays of the season. It was nice to get to know the one husband I didn’t know previously and laugh with my friends.

I did miss having my eldest here and having someone to be my partner but my kids were amazing. We worked so hard yesterday and the party was perfect again. I am glad I went through with it and am proud of myself for sticking with it and not crying over the past relationship that is over. I am glad that she came. I hope she saw that I am not a threat to them and how much my kids love him and he loves my kids. I hope she sees that he is our family and can handle that. I can handle not being with him as long as he and I can still be friends. It was not as bad as I expected last night and it will only get easier from here.