Life is so interesting. If we really take the time to think and get to know ourselves and are honest with ourselves, sometimes we can actually figure out what is going on with us. I have talked about my ex-bf quite a bit. I have had such a difficult time getting over him and moving on. I have tried so hard to figure out WHY it has been so hard to move on. He is not perfect. I think he is adorable but he is not gorgeous. He has sex issues. He is moody and sometimes very judgmental. He is far from perfect but I fell in love with him. He taught me how to love and truly but loved but he also filled another hole in my life that I hadn’t realized until two days ago. He truly became family. We had so many days and nights with my kids that were what I always wanted with my kids and their dad. Laughter, love, true acceptance on who they are, fun. With their dad, there was always the elephant in the room or eggshells to walk on.

The eldest fought with her dad so much as she got older. She couldn’t stand “being favored” and how he treated me and the other kids. The middle kid is bisexual and gender fluid. Once she hit puberty, she was always a bit different. She would go through stages of doing things that she knew were not “acceptable” like wearing black lipstick. Her dad would get so angry about that and state that it reflected poorly on him for her to do things like that. He and his family have made it very clear how they feel about gay people and how that is a sin. She was daddy’s girl growing up and eventually realized that she wouldn’t be accepted by him or his family. The son, well that is a completely different story. Ex-hubby was a jock- football and wrestling. He was a  high school football coach for years. I think he expected his son to be like him but instead, we got a wonderful nerdy, awkward boy that had zero interest  in sports or his dad’s woodworking. Dad would force him to go work on projects with him and the boy would just resent it.

When we were married, I would try so hard to intervene with all these issues but they were always there. When we were getting the divorce, my son told me that his dad was always an asshole but I had never known it. It has been very difficult for me to see the kids have the relationships they have with their dad. When B came along, the kids all loved him and he loved them back. They all have told me that they wish that he was their father. I have seen him work on teaching my son how to work on computers. They built one together. He was patient with my son and actually let him learn. He has given them very thoughtful gifts that they have loved.  We have played games, gone  hiking, had parties, played video games, sang karaoke, gone to movies, etc. He has been a father to them for the past two years and we, including him, have all enjoyed it. I told him this the other day and he told me that he will miss it, too, and that we need to get together when they are all home the week after Christmas.

It has been good for me to realize that it is not really my personal relationship that has been so difficult to let go. I do love him but I really do not want him back, unless there were some BIG changes in a few areas. I am missing the family time the most and knowing how much we all will miss him and those times. I think this realization will help me to completely let go and move on. I truly want us all to be happy. All five of us. I hope that we can find a way to still spend time with B together occasionally. No matter what happens, the memories will always be wonderful and we all will treasure our family time with B.

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