Most of the time I am very happy with my life and content with not having a partner. There are times that I do miss it though and today I started thinking about what I miss and do not miss about being in a relationship.

Things I miss the most, the love, the companionship, the cuddling, the  good sex (that I had with B) but today I realized one of the biggest things that I miss. It has been substituted by B even though we haven’t  been together in months. It is someone to talk to about my day. Today was an interesting day at work. B knows stories about my job already so knows the personalities and things involved as I have shared with him for eight months. I really wanted to call and share with him today. I texted him to ask if I could as I knew since it was a Friday that he might be with the new GF. Sure enough, he texts me that he is spending the evening with her and how he just got a two hour massage from her. Since she has been trained professionally there, I am sure it was better than any massage I ever gave him. Not only is he not available, I am reminded that I was not enough for him. I just wanted to cry, though really only briefly about losing him, it was mostly the wishing I had someone that I was sharing these things with. I miss THAT about being in a relationship probably the most. Someone that knows your day to day events, coworkers, etc and can appreciate the highs and lows with you. I have other friends I can call and talk to but it isn’t the same. I could talk to my (adult) children but they can’t be my best friends. My mom doesn’t understand the loneliness and depression issues. She is a bit bitter against men. She would not understand me missing a partner for this aspect. There are other things I miss. I miss having someone to make plans with on a regular basis. I miss having someone that is my date pretty much all the time. I miss someone to help me with things without me feeling guilty.  I miss having someone to do the things I either cannot do or am afraid to do. I miss cooking and eating with someone. I miss having someone to celebrate  things with or cry on their shoulder, if needed. I miss having someone to spoil and be spoiled by for my birthday and holidays. I do have some people that would be willing to fill some of these rolls but with a partner, it is automatic and I don’t have to ask or schedule the time.

While I was thinking about things I missed, I also thought about things that I DO NOT miss. I do not miss someone judging my choices and telling me that they are wrong. I love being able to make my own decisions without someone criticizing them. I don’t miss someone treating me like shit and then getting mad when I am not turned on for sex later. I do not miss having a partner that would go days without a shower and/or brushing his teeth and then being angry that I didn’t want to snuggle or kiss him. I do not miss my partner becoming obese and expecting me to have the same physical attraction as I did when he was fit. I do not miss someone expecting me to do all the work because I was the woman while he sat on his fat ass and watched television. I do not miss having a “partner” that would not let me talk about things like religion or politics because we either didn’t agree on them or he wasn’t interested. I like a good debate. Sometimes it can get someone to change their mind but mostly,  I love seeing other points of view. I do not miss someone saying we cannot go have fun because there are chores to be done. I do not miss having to answer to anyone and being treated like I am less because either I am a woman or I earn less. I do not miss being talked down to. I do not miss being controlled. I do not miss being afraid to come home every night wondering what mood he was going to be in when I walked in the door. I do not miss my birthday or holidays being ignored or ruined due to a grumpy mood.  I do not miss someone being angry at me for having depression issues. I do not miss walking on egg shells.

Obviously, these were things with my ex-husband not B. I never had those issues with B. He always treated me well and made me feel loved and beautiful. The issues I had with the husband would not be there in a normal healthy relationship but they are definitely are reasons that I hold back. I am going to be picky as hell and if a man shows any of the tendencies of the husband, he doesn’t get a chance. I guess not having someone to talk to occasionally is  not as bad as being in a crappy relationship. I have my pups and my wine and my friends and my lovers. I don’t NEED a partner. I just need to occasionally remind myself of that.

Advertisements