Wow, so I guess I double blogged. The same topic two times in a row. I guess this has been weighing on my mind.

Letting him go is and has been difficult. We broke up the first time, March 2015. We have been back together as a couple and as FWB off and on until July. I have dated a lot since we broke up the first time. I even have had a couple that I thought could develop into something more but they never did. He, on the other hand, has not dated as much. He was sure that I wouldn’t move on as long as we were being intimate but one of the times we broke up, it was because I met R and thought there was a chance of something special. Obviously, that didn’t happen. I love R but not in the same way. We will never have what B and I had. With B, I had a best friend, a confidant, a fantastic lover. I had a man that truly taught me how to love and receive love. He showed me that I am beautiful and fun. He boosted me from an insecure 47 year old divorcee to a strong independent single woman. I learned to enjoy sex for the first time in my life.

When I was younger, I had terrible daddy issues. I never felt my dad loved me. I didn’t think that a man could ever love me so I slept around looking for love. Obviously, that doesn’t work but I was young and stupid. I had a terrible habit of falling for men that were showing tendencies for addiction or cheaters. When I met my ex-husband, I was so wanting to have a family and a marriage that would last.  I did not want to be my mother- divorced in my 40s with nothing. I knew with every man that I had been serious with that it was probably not going to go well in the long term. The ex-hubby was kind and not an addictive personality. He didn’t show controlling issues right away. His parents were still married. I was STUPID. I told myself that here was a good man and I was so prone to throwing away the good ones, I told myself that if he proposed, I would marry him. I got married to a young man that I knew for five weeks. Neither of us had met any of our family members but I was sure that he was what I needed. I did not love him the way I should have but I needed to be with a good person. I grew to really love him, though the sexual attraction was never really there for me. (The story of the guy before him may be shared someday. ) My family was worried until they met him. They all loved him. Things were good for a short while but I was horrified when I met his parents. If I had met his dad prior to the marriage, I never would have married him. Unfortunately, we got pregnant right away so I was willing to do anything to keep our family together. We went through a lot. He changed when we moved nearer to his family. He turned into his dad. He became controlling, verbally abusive, hateful. I truly regret marrying him. I love my kids dearly but if I had to do it again, I wouldn’t. After twenty three years of trying to be the best wife ever, giving up my career to be this wife and take care of our kids, he walked out on me. I am sure he was cheating with someone. He criticized everything I did for years and, according to him, the divorce was all because of how awful I was.

I had so much healing to do after the divorce. When I met B, I had improved a lot but he helped me get back into the strong  independent woman I was prior to marriage. He has never done anything awful to me. We just do not belong together as much as we care and love each other. This is why it is so hard to move on but I will. I will never settle again. If I ever commit myself to someone again, I want what I had with B- a friend, confidant, lover, supporter, a partner in life, etc. I learned what I need and want and he has helped me set very high standards for any future partner. I think that is why it is so hard to completely move on. What are the odds that I will find that again when it took until 47 to find him. I would rather be alone most of the time than settle. Currently, I have a couple of fantastic lovers that cannot fill the other roles. That is okay for now. Maybe I will find that again, maybe not.

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