I had convinced myself that I was “over” ex. I had convinced myself that there is no way I would go back to him. Well, I think I was lying to myself. I am house-sitting for him right now. Lots of time ALONE in his house, with his things, with his dog gives me lots of time to think and it triggers lots of memories. Wow. We had so much fun together. We were so perfect together. I have never been so happy in my life. I have never had so much fun. No matter what we did, it was awesome. We skied, rode motorcycles, hiked, drank, got stoned, watched movies, cooked, shared holidays, played on the river, and so much more. I slept so well with him. I always felt loved with him. In fact, when I am with him now, I still do, though we haven’t been together since July.

Why did we not make it? Oh yeah, I remember. His baggage and inability to truly be happy. The man has so many issues and such low self esteem. He truly has no idea he is as wonderful as he is. He has had several women love him in his life. I don’t know why he cannot see it. It is so sad to know he probably will never be truly happy. He is seeing a new woman. I want him to be happy but from what I know about her, she is not the answer either. A woman will not make him happy but he keeps trying to find THE woman that will fix everything for him.  He is looking for perfect in every aspect. We all know that doesn’t exist. He did tell me in March of 2015 that I was the closest he would ever find to perfect and he still let me go.  In the mean time, there have been at least two women that loved him enough to take him baggage and all- me and his second wife. He was great to me. He loves my kids and they adore him. I have had them all tell me that they prefer him to their own dad. It breaks my heart to see him struggle so with happiness. So much of it goes back to his very dysfunctional childhood. I don’t know why through so much therapy, he has not been able to move on. It is very sad.

I have to let him go and continue my love life with out him. I cannot and will not go back to him though a piece of my heart yearns for us to be back together. I do and always will love him. He taught me what true love is. I learned to love me by seeing myself through his eyes. How do you ever get over that kinds of love? I don’t think you ever can. So, I will continue having him as my best friend and will do anything for him and he will do anything for me. My kids call him for advice and help. He will always be family, just not my lover. Oh well. It will get easier in time, right??????

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