Damn,  I am more confused than ever. Mr Perfect is NOT perfect. Surprise!!! I knew it was too good to be true. He is wonderful and thinks he loves me. He has almost said it many times in the past few days but keeps stopping himself mid-word as  he knows I am not ready for this. I have told him to be him and I will be me and we will deal with things. He is wonderful in most ways but, of course, at our age, carries baggage. Unfortunately, I am not sure if I can handle  his baggage at this time. Ex and I were so good together but he had baggage that affected his ability to have a normal sex life. I could have handled it because I loved him enough but he couldn’t handle it. By the end of our time together whenever we would be intimate, I  would see the hurt in his eyes that he was not completely happy with things. It is the same with Mr Perfect. Can I go through that again? Almost two years of not being able to help the ex figure things out. Two years of loving but never being able to completely satisfy him. It eventually broke my heart and I had to try and move on.

I meet Mr Perfect. It is difficult enough to accept possibly falling in love but he has very similar issues to the ex. In fact, that was the big thing that broke up his marriage of 20+ years. Can I do that again? When I finally do commit to someone,  I want it to be for the rest of my life. I am nearing fifty so we are talking about 30 years, on average. I have just learned to enjoy sex. Do I want to stop having it now? I have a couple of younger suitors that this is not a problem with. This is the first man older than me that I have been with since the ex and I broke up. I am not sure that I am ready to commit to no sex and vanilla sex at that for the rest of my life.

The ex-con and I have a connection. I would love to be able to play with him before he leaves in March. I saw him briefly tonight and he was so obviously happy to see me. When he hugged me, he picked me up and just squeezed. I know we could enjoy time together.  He mentioned being able to come to my house and doing things for me soon. He likes me and I know sex will not be an issue with him. I know there is not a future BUT there is an immediate future. He likes me. I am very attracted to him. I know we cold have fun. I am the only friend he has here and he leaves the halfway house soon. He will have freedom and we can actually spend time together. If I commit to Mr Perfect right now, I have to break his heart. If I wait until March, our relationship comes to a natural ending and he leaves here knowing he can have someone give him a chance and be interested in him, despite his past. He is so hot and is so strong and handsome and smart that I  enjoy being with him physically and I really have grown to care about him the past few months. I am not ready for that to end before we have had a chance to really spend much time together.

Banker guy is younger and sex would not be an issue with him. I don’t think there is even a remote possibility of a future with either of these men but they remind me that I can have a very active and fulfilling sex life, which I have never had before. At fifty, don’t I deserve that for a while? Dating back to back men with emotional baggage that affects their sex lives sucks. I am not sure I am up for that. I am not sure I am ready to give up intercourse. Sex sucked for most of my life. I have just learned to enjoy it. This is my only life. I want to enjoy it. If I were to commit to Mr Perfect and we don’t last, what if I cannot find good sex then, in ten years or so. I guess I need to talk to him and tell him that I am just not ready to make that step. I am afraid that I will hurt and lose him if I do this but I also want to be 100% sure before I commit the rest of my life to someone. I am not sure. This is what broke up his marriage. Unless, he can fix this, I don’t know if I can be with him, unless we could do an open relationship. I am not sure how I feel about that but I want sex and I want good sex and I want not only vanilla sex. I enjoy playing and having fun. I don’t think that he will be comfortable with that, based on the little time we had together last night. You can be  a gentleman out of bed and a bit naughty in bed. He has asked me to be honest with him. I have told him that I was dating other men. He knows about ex-con. It will be hard to be completely honest with him but he does deserve that. I think that we can eventually be a “couple”.Maybe sooner rather than later but I have to be sure. When I am with him, I am 90% sure. When I am not with him, that drops dramatically. Is it fear or reality at that time? I don’t want to hurt him and I definitely do not want to lose him , if he is right for me. Damn, life and love are so complicated. I love him but am not in love with him yet. He stayed with me last night and it felt so wonderful in his arms. Things are wonderful except the sex. Can I handle this? I am not sure. The next few weeks should be interesting . In the mean time, I  will continue trying to be happy and enjoy my life.

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