He’s ready to go…. I am talking about my youngest kiddo, my baby, my only son. Tomorrow, I drive him to a town four hours away to live with strangers in a strange town and attend college. I am happy and excited for him. I am proud of him. I am sure he will do fine and succeed. He has several friends going to the same school, two in the same dorm, one in the same room. That will make the transition easier for him but he has never really been away from home much. He is my buddy. He is my friend. He makes me laugh. I am going to miss him more than words can say. I would feel all these things no matter what but there is another aspect to my grief. It is a reminder of the end of the family unit my ex and I created. We got married very quickly so I always thought that after the kids were grown, it would be our time. We never had a honeymoon.  We hardly had time just the two of us. We even became parents nine months after the wedding. That wasn’t planned, it just happened. I know all that contributed to the end of our marriage BUT this is supposed to be OUR time. It is funny that there is no way I would take him back. I do not miss him at all BUT we are supposed to be doing this together. I am confused by my feelings here. They do not make sense to me. I do not want to be with him. I actually think he was a pretty crappy husband for most of our marriage and not a great dad once the kids were above the age of about eight. Why does this make me “miss” us? This was our goal when we had kids and now, here I am, taking the youngest off to college and he isn’t even around. He won’t be there. I was hoping he would come up for a bit as he only lives an hour away from the campus. Here I am doing this ALONE and he is living with another woman, whom I affectionately call the weasel faced bitch. She has treated my kids like crap so I can think she is a bitch. She has made things worse between my ex and I and caused issues with the kids but that is another post. So, tomorrow, I get up, pack my overnight bag and drive a beautiful drive to say good luck and I love you to my favorite man in the world. My son….I am proud of who he has become and am excited for his future. I wish him the best. I am going to miss seeing all he performances, knowing all his friends. Talking to him daily. Hugging him daily and hearing him tell me how much he loves me. I will miss him telling me how short I am. I will miss so much every day and will treasure every moment we have had so far and look forward to the next moments. I write this with tears streaming down my face, wishing that someone was here holding me telling me I am not alone and I am loved. Oh well. I am alone but I am loved by three young amazing adults that I helped create and raise. I guess my life has not been for nothing.

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