As I sit here tonight and think about where Robin Williams had to have been to do what he did, it breaks my heart. Here is a man that brought so many of us to laughter and tears with his performances. Most of us smile when we hear his name though for him, life must have been dark for him to take his own life. As we find out more information, maybe there will be a reason that makes some sense to people but so many will say things like, that was a selfish act. How can he do that to those that love him, There is always hope. Why didn’t he get help. It never is that bad. Just smile and it will get better. It is a matter of attitude. Etc. I know because I have heard all those things. Many times directed at me when I was in my darkest times. If you haven’t been depressed and seriously wanted to die, you have no idea how lonely it is. The first time in my life that I truly wanted to die, I was about 14-15. My parents had gotten divorced and I was so alone. It was not their divorce that caused the depression, it was my mental health. The divorce was a bit of a trigger for that time. I don’t blame anyone but I just didn’t want to live. My life had fallen apart. We had been a happy family, for the most part. My dad moved away, my sis moved away, we moved to Denver. I hated the city. I hated leaving my friends. I buried myself in books. I didn’t want to live. I truly went to bed every night for a couple of years praying that I wouldn’t wake up and would be disappointed when I woke every damn day. I didn’t want to live but didn’t have the COURAGE, yes courage, to end it all. I was afraid I would fail as I felt I was doing in life. Failing to kill yourself is a pretty big failure to think about when you want to die. I couldn’t do that to my kid sister and leave her alone. I was all she had left. I started making terrible decisions- drinking, partying, ditching school, etc. I ended up leaving Denver to go live with my dad in the Philippines. One of the reasons I made that decision is when I went to visit him for Christmas, I convinced him to take me to a counselor. Gary is still in my life to this day. He saved my life back in 1983 and I love that man.

I have had other minor depressive episodes in my life since then but another major one a few years ago. It started with a death of a loved one, then another, then another. It continued all year. My marriage was falling apart and I just wanted to die. I researched what med combinations to take. What not to take. I contemplated driving off one of our beautiful mountains here in Colorado many times. I started drinking heavily and quit wearing my seatbelt. I knew, once again, I probably would not have the courage to do what I felt was best for me and my family. When you are down that much, you really feel they would be better off without you. I cried every day for months and was barely functional. I don’t know how I kept things going on the outside when inside, I was dead. I finally went to get help again when I got very close to a car accident with my son in the car. I thought for a moment how quickly and easily I could have ended it with someone else’s carelessness. All I had to do was nothing. Not try to get out of the crazy driver’s way. If my boy hadn’t been in the car, I don’t think I would have done anything, but I loved him enough to want him to have a chance at this thing called life, so I veered out of the way.

Before  you go judging someone for being so depressed that they actually have the courage to kill themselves and not be afraid of failing that, too. Feel sorry for them and try to help the next person out. Depression is not anything we enjoy. It is the darkest most lonely thing you will hopefully never feel. Most people can “pull themselves up by their bootstraps” but not all of us can. Some of us truly get to the point where we don’t see any hope of things getting better. Right now, in my life, I am happy again but I know that I can slip again. I am very aware of my signs and what to do if they start creeping up again. I just hope that when it happens again, I have the strength to do those things. It is the hardest things to do when all you want to do is crawl into a hole and die. Trying to find a reason to live is not easy for people like me. My stubbornness got me through my divorce last year. My initial reaction was to slip again. I briefly thought about dying but then spoke to my doc, increased my meds, and actually told the ex that I wasn’t going to let him kill me. THAT is what kept me going last year. Not that I thought he wanted me dead but I did know his life would have been easier without me at that time. He and the kids would have moved on without me. He could have been angry at me forever for doing that to him and the kids. I wasn’t going to give him that. I decided my best revenge was to get through it and be okay. Here it is a year later and I am more than okay. I am not depressed anymore though tonight I am saddened.

 Maybe Robin’s death will open more people up to talk about suicide and suicide prevention. Maybe, this blog will stop one person from telling someone to suck it up. That just makes it worse, BTW. We already feel like failures. Things like that just emphasize that. If I could be like everyone else, I wouldn’t feel so down, I would be able to suck it up. We feel like failures, worthless, unlovable and that the friends and family will be better off in the long run without us. That is what it feels like. We know that initially, there will be sorrow but it won’t last as we are UNLOVABLE and not worthy of their love. Please, let the people you know that you love them, and if you truly suspect someone needs help, don’t just say that to them. Take them to the doctor, don’t leave them alone, call a suicide hotline to get advice. Don’t get angry at them for their feelings. Once again, it makes it worse. We already feel crappy. Love one another and don’t judge.

RIP Robin. I loved you and wish someone had been able to help you though your darkest days. If there is an afterlife, I hope you are happy now. If there is not an afterlife, you are definitely not suffering anymore, you are part of this beautiful cosmos and you will not be forgotten.