I realized today how sad things are with me and my husband. I remember several years ago, I would go out with girlfriends and listen to them complain abotu their spouses and be so happy that I rarely had anything to complain about. I wonder if we will ever get back to that. He made me laugh every day. He always made me feel so special. He would light up when he saw me every day. He would call me to say hi, hug me, snuggle me, etc. I don’t know when it changed but he gradually quit all those things.

I know I made my mistakes. I took him for granted at times but don’t we all do that? I got depressed again. That definitely wasn’t a choice. I don’t know how to make him understand that me talking about suicide wasn’t a way to manipulate him but it was real. I remember one incident when I was driving down the road and someone was passing someone coming my way. They probably should not have been passing a the moment as they could have been too close. I remember thinking that I should speed up so I could end it all. The only reason I didn’t that day is my son was sitting next to me. It would have been so easy and it would not have looked like suicide.

I honestly can say that I haven’t thought about hurting myself in months. I am getting better and now want my life back.  Is that asking too much? I sure hope when he gets back on Wednesday evening, he is happy to see me again. I want to be excited to see him again, not get a lump in my stomach every time I get off work wondering who he is going to be in the car that evening.

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