There’s a part of me that wants more than anything for my husband to love me again and for us to be okay and then there is the other part of me that wishes I could just not care anymore and just live my life and be content, if not happy, the way it is. There are times when I look at him that I just love him so much that I cannot stand it. He occasionally shows me the man I fell in love with 19 years ago but it doesn’t happen very often. I find it so sad that we are together about an hour every day and hardly say 10 words to each other. This is during our morning and evening commute to and from work. We have that time that we could use to bond. In fact, when I took the job, he acted so excited we would have that time together.  Sometimes, I wonder if it was just that… an act. From the first day we started riding together, I knew it was not a good thing. He would just listen to the radio and not talk to respond to me. His excuse was he had been riding to work by himself for so long that he liked the quiet time and it would take a while to get used to us riding together. Well, it has been 15 months and nothing has changed. If we do talk, it is about the kids, money or work and he always seems annoyed when I try to talk to him. Now, I am just being almost as quiet as he is. It is amazing how alone you can be when you are with someone.  He does drop me off at my door and pick me up at my door for my office but I don’t know why. We have been working in the same building for 15 months and probably have had lunch about a dozen times together. We decided a while ago that we would have lunch on Tuesdays but either he has an excuse why he can’t or he wants to go earlier than I can go so goes with out me. I would understand this and not be so hurt if he didn’t have a standing lunch date with his best friend every Friday. He will hardly ever miss that lunch. Takes a long lunch, they leave the campus together and enjoy a nice leisurely lunch. It breaks my heart that I (or we) are not as important.  I feel that he blames me for all our troubles but these kind of things just push me away. He was in my office today and didn’t even walk by my desk to say hi. I just want the little things to show me that I am important.

It would be so much easier if I were content to just live the way we are and be content and not feel lonely but i am having a difficult time getting there. Like all human beings, I want to be loved and physical touch is so important. I want to laugh with someone, play, snuggle, etc. Instead, we eat together, clean together, argue occasionally, watch TV, and ride to work together. Other than that, we have so little to do with each other. What a sad existance for the both of us. I wish that I knew he wanted more but he seems to be fine with it. As long as he has his woodshop and I feed him, he is okay.

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